Wanna break up with my girlfriend when I go travelling

Jafar

Hey.

About a year and a half ago the girl I'd been seeing before left for a year. We broke up before hand and that was hard enough, let alone if actually being in a relationship with someone. We have since gone our seperate ways.

About a year ago (6 months later) I met another girl. I'm going travelling soon and I want to break up with my grilfriend before I go.

Am I being an asshole? Before I met her about a year ago, I was always going travelling and we both knew it. A few months back I freaked out because we'd become so close and I knew when I was away that I didn't want to be in a realtionship. I said there was no point in us carrying on because I'd been down this road and it only results in pain and suffereing.

She said can we not just take things as they come and see what happens. I said fair enough. Now I've since brought the "take things as they come and see what happens" up and it's clear she's no longer happy with that. I know by how thigns are that she's going to want us to stay together and all.

I really love her and I think she's great, but this is my adventure that I've been planning for 5 years. Also my head is still up my arse over lots of **** in my life and I want to be alone with time to take stock in a neutral situation without having to worry about what she's up to and **** did I forget to ring her. I don't know how many years I'll be away for and she wants to meet up with me to travel in about 6 months.

Am I just being an bastard or does any of that make sense? How the hell am I going to explain this...

mr_angry

Try actually talking to her instead of posting on Internet message boards.

Sheesh. I think I'm coming around to Mordeth's way of thinking...

Civilian_Target

Failing talking to her, you might get a better response if you posted on Personal Issues instead of After Hours....

ravenhead

You really should talk to her about it.. as you know from past experience it's not going to be easy but it has to be done.. Just think back to when your other g/f was leaving.. would you have preferred to have tried to carry on with the relationship while she was away?
You say that you love her & that ye get on well - so if it's meant to be then you'll met up when you get back ... explain to her that there's no point in her putting her life & feelings on hold for you while you go travelling...

Asok

Talk to the hoe.

tman

yeah, bitches have feelings too, y'know

whosurpaddy

tbh your talking about going away for years, and have no definite date set for return, i dont see the point in going on with the relationship.

but you need to be firm when your talking to her. you sound as though you've made up your mind, dont let her dissuadde you into something which you know will, ultimately be more trouble than its worth.

this would be better suited in PI btw.

Jafar

Sorry, can a mod move the thread or should I delete it?

Monty - the one and only

moved

Sleepy

Just tell her straight: you don't know when or if you'll be back so it's not fair on her. What's going to happen if ye stay together while you're travelling? One or the other of ye will end up ending the relationship over the phone and who wants that?

TwoShedsJackson

If you want to break up with her, break up with her.

I should start charging for all this advice.

Occidental

Originally posted by Jafar
I'm going travelling soon and I want to break up with my grilfriend before I go.

Originally posted by Jafar
I really love her and I think she's great

You see the problem here is that if you really loved her you wouldn't even be thinking about breaking up. From what you've said you sound as if your world rotates around you and that's the way you want to keep it. If you're terrified of women and their nasty habit of looking for long term relationships, that's fine. But don't try and spin some bull**** about she knew it would be this way and my heads fukked up to make yourself feel better about it.

You'll always know the truth of what you did and why you did it, so if you want to come here and dump your guilt then you're wasting your time. If you want to be honest with the girl, tell her you're too immature and need to grow up before commiting to a long term relationship.

Johnny Versace

You could just go travelling and let nature take it's course (there's a very very good chance you'll break up anyway due to not seeing each other FOR FIVE YEARS...)

But, the better/mature option would be to talk to her, tell her you made yourself clear at the start of the relationship, and you still feel the same way.

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Sleepy

Originally posted by Occidental
You see the problem here is that if you really loved her you wouldn't even be thinking about breaking up. From what you've said you sound as if your world rotates around you and that's the way you want to keep it. If you're terrified of women and their nasty habit of looking for long term relationships, that's fine. But don't try and spin some bull**** about she knew it would be this way and my heads fukked up to make yourself feel better about it.

You'll always know the truth of what you did and why you did it, so if you want to come here and dump your guilt then you're wasting your time. If you want to be honest with the girl, tell her you're too immature and need to grow up before commiting to a long term relationship.

Are you the spurned girlfriend? Otherwise I can't see any reason for that blatant flame...

PCgirl

If you love her ... take her with you or meet her in a few months once you have had time to yourself to think about life and stuff
if its meant to be then you'll find out quick enough

Beruthiel

Occidental

it’s clear from your post that perhaps something similar happened to you, the guy clearly stated that he informed her of his impending travel arrangements

please read the CHARTER regarding flaming other posters
B

hedgetrimmer

Originally posted by Sleepy
Are you the spurned girlfriend? Otherwise I can't see any reason for that blatant flame...

To be honest, I think she has a point, albeit harshly put...

The decision here is simple - be with the girl, take her with you, or go off and sort yourself out. If you have that much to sort out though, chances are you you're not ready for a fully committed relationship. And be careful that you are not running away from your problems - you can't do that, they always follow you.

If you love this girl, really love her, then by going, you can't expect her to wait for you. And to be perfectly honest, if the thought so ringing her every evening and worrying that she might be with someone else while you are away are in your head, then you don't hold much stock in the relationship - you don't trust her, and you couldn't be ar7ed even making a committment to phone her...

But the only one who can argue her side is her. But you owe it to her to *at least* be understanding and accepting of whatever decision *she* makes - she can make them too, you know

Jafar

Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? It sucks. Everything becomes exaggerated by distance including jealousy and insecurity. I've been there have you?

Not everybody thinks the same on this a friend of mine said(and maybe a subconcious self defence mechanism considering she actually knows us...

Oh dear : ( Tis true long distance relationships don't work. The first love of my life turned into psycho greeneyed monster despite years together when I went away and it took us 6 years to start talking to one another again! Long distance - bad! What a shame as she's a great gal and you two seem like a good couple, but you've been planning your travels for a while and unless she joins you, heartache of staying together will prolong things in longrun. This is the voice of my pessimistic experience speaking!

If you love someone set them free if they com back to you it's meant to be. I didn't make that up so maybe there's more than one opinion on the matter. At least I admit that I don't know everything unlike you who know's everything about love. Considering I have no idea where I'm going or for how long I'd rather go our seperate ways. This doesn't mean that we won't be together forever in the future.

I didn't come here and posted on the internet for the laugh or to "dump my guilt" to get advice perhaps from someone who may have been in a similar situation before or to hear impartial advice from other people. I've heard your 'opinion' on the matter and I respect it (though not you or the way you put it).

I think it goes without saying that when I talk to her she could react the same way and that is her decision to make. Maybe she won't want to be with someone who's so selfish and isn't willing to commit to relationship that for at least the next 12 -24 months will be carried out over a phone or email or random countries. Ideally I could just stay here because I love her but he damage that would cause would at least be comparable to the damage caused by not doing what my heart tells me to do right now.

Nobody's perfect and neither's anybody's love but at the end of the day this is about why I feel this way. I believe the reason is because of my intentions entering this relationship. My thinking at the moment is that I could break up with her, go away and regret it hardcore. Maybe she wouldn't even want me back after that and that's her decision but at least I would've done what felt right for me at this time.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Jafar
Have you ever been in a long distance relationship? It sucks. Everything becomes exaggerated by distance including jealousy and insecurity. I've been there have you?

I think you've answered your own question then, eh?

Johnny Versace

Jafar, stop feeling guilty.

You decided to go travelling a long time ago.

You explained everything to your girlfriend when you met her.

She was OK with it.

You are simply sticking to your plans.

...

And long distance relationships _do_not_ work. Been there, done that...

As I always say -

When you're 80 years old and dying, what decision do you wish you'd have made? Regret something you've done, don't regret something you haven't done...

ravenhead

Yes don't regret .... but maybe you'll regret breaking up with her -- would you have taken your ex g/f that left you to go travelling back?????

Jafar

I would have if things had worked out differently.

We both ended up going our seperate ways with different people. She's back now and we talk occassionly on email. We're both happy and I have no regrets.

ravenhead

But you say that you have strong feeling for your g/f at the moment - what's stopping you meeting up with her in a couple of months after you've had time to chill a bit?

whosurpaddy

Originally posted by Sleepy
Are you the spurned girlfriend? Otherwise I can't see any reason for that blatant flame...

agreed. i dont see why you have an axe to grind with this guy. what he posted seemed perfectly reasonable to me.

Jafar

Debt is what's stopping her leaving until next year at the earliest. By the time she's able to come over having saved cash and all I'll be headed Oz direction where she's already spent a year and can't qualify for the 1 year visa.

She could get a 3 month visa but that still leave another 9 months seperation once I get down that end of the world.

ravenhead

& do you HAVE to go travelling at this exact time? I don't mean not go at all but is there anything stopping you from delaying it a couple of months?

Jafar

Well it's been delayed at least 6 months to this point already.

I've also prepared myself mentally to hand in my notice this month after 5 years in the company, moved into a horrible but cheap house to save money and have been on movement footing with friends and family for a good while.

I don't see staying here as possible. Mainly because of my job and how I can't wait to stop doing this and if I'm without job and still here it means less money to spend while away.....so really I'm geared to go at the minute.

Occidental

Still think that if you actually love her you wouldn't be asking these questions. All the problems you've listed would be secondary, because keeping her would be your number one priority. Maybe love is a looser term with you and you find your version of love on a regular basis.

Sleepy

If ye're meant to be surely you'll get back together when you return.

Jafar

2 C's put together on top of each other can make a circle. Circles are great and what you should strive for.
2 O's put together also makes a circle. Except when they are seperated they are still circles and not dependant on each other. They can still form a circle at anytime and indeed they make a stronger circle.

Fortunitely this thread isn't a competition so I can say this without feeling like I've lost anything....I don't care what you think because you are wrong! (I would say "In my opinion you are wrong" but you obviously don't believe in such courtesy)

You might think that consonants are the way forward but you can't make words without vowels.

oq4v3ht0u76kf2

That last post about Os and Cs was incredibly incoherent. Top stuff.

Anyway, she knew you were travelling when you got with her so she knew the risk she was taking of getting in too deep only for you to leave. Perhaps she naively felt that you would fall madly in love with her and stay... now, maybe you've fallen for her but if she was really your "one" (or one of your "ones") then you wouldn't leave. Perhaps she will be your soulmate/one/whatever in a few years but obviously not now. That's nobodies fault and nor is there anything wrong with it.

But don't say to her "staying together wouldn't be fair on you, I'm doing you a massive favour". You're not doing her any favours, you're doing exactly what you said you would (and should) do. You have to tell her, and be completely honest with her, that you are going away and you don't want to be in a long distance relationship. Of course you'll still love her because you can't stop loving her overnight but you must let her know that you do not want to be part of an LDR.

And make sure she is under no illusion that you will come riding back from beyond the horizon in 6 months. Tell her you don't know when you'll be back, if you'll be back or who you'll be bringing back with you.

Finally, make sure you have incredibly lustfull going away sex.

ravenhead

Originally posted by Jafar
2 C's put together on top of each other can make a circle. Circles are great and what you should strive for.
2 O's put together also makes a circle. Except when they are seperated they are still circles and not dependant on each other. They can still form a circle at anytime and indeed they make a stronger circle.

Fortunitely this thread isn't a competition so I can say this without feeling like I've lost anything....I don't care what you think because you are wrong! (I would say "In my opinion you are wrong" but you obviously don't believe in such courtesy)

You might think that consonants are the way forward but you can't make words without vowels.

If you dont care then why are asking??? If you say we are wrong - what are we wrong about???

Jafar

My apologies Ravenhead. That randomly incoherent remark was aimed directly at Occidental.

I enjoyed talking to you today and I do appreciate your opinions and remarks.

I realise now that my post looks like a blanket rebuttal to all that dissagree with a certain way of thinking.

It's not.

I just don't care what Occidental think because their first post removed any respect I previously had for them.

I realise now you may share their views but at least you don't try and shove it in my face and that is a difference in approach rather than opinio.

Apologies for any offense.

ravenhead

Originally posted by Jafar
My apologies Ravenhead. That randomly incoherent remark was aimed directly at Occidental.

I enjoyed talking to you today and I do appreciate your opinions and remarks.

I realise now that my post looks like a blanket rebuttal to all that dissagree with a certain way of thinking.

It's not.

I just don't care what Occidental think because their first post removed any respect I previously had for them.

I realise now you may share their views but at least you don't try and shove it in my face and that is a difference in approach rather than opinio.

Apologies for any offense.

No offense taken ... & no i don't share Occidental's views at all ....

Typedef

So dump her, what do you need premission from the internet?

Dear internet.

I'm thinking of asking a girl out/dumping a girl/getting a(labotomy|sex change|life).

Do you think I could make it onto Riki Lake?

Signed
Blank.

Sir Digby Chicken Caesar

i think you should..

..nevermind.
..

isolde

Hi Jafar,

I'm just out of a very similar situation. I left Ireland last September and broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years recently enough. We said we'd see how things go, but deep down I think I knew I'd break up with him in the end. I loved him and I guess I still do to some extent and I understand exactly how you feel.. I understand that you love your girlfriend. I don't doubt it for a minute and I don't think that anyone can really understand the situation unless they've been in it themselves (sorry, I don't mean to be condescending but it's true).
It's a horrible decision to make because there's no right answer and you're taking a huge risk. Either way you will probably have regrets but sometimes these risks have to be taken and if it's meant to be, it'll come around again. That's what I believe anyway.

If you stay with her you'll end up resenting her for holding you back.. or vice versa. Sometimes it's better to get out of things before they go horribly stale.. while you're still friends and can salvage some sort of friendship from this. Circumstances are pulling you apart and travelling is something that you want to do. You're not wrong for wanting that. You need to experience everything it is that you want to experience while you can. If your girlfriend can be a part of that, then all the better. But if she can't, then you need to let go and each make your own way and have their own experiences as individuals.

I'm not ready to settle down but my ex-boyfriend was. Sometimes you can love someone so much but your needs and wants collide. Maybe some people will think that's not love then. Less than a year ago I would have said the same. Surely true love can conquer all and all that. But now I feel that sometimes you have to be selfish and do what's right for you, in order to be true to yourself and to the one you love. It hurt so much to break up with my boyfriend. I could never imagine my future without him. But I know in my heart that it was the right thing for me to do. There was no point looking back in 10 years time and resenting him for holding me back.

I could make a few points as to why you should stay with her. I know all of the arguments inside out at this stage. I went through them a thousand times. But I think in your heart you've already decided. I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy your travels.

~ isolde.

Shabadu

If you really want to make it work, maybe ask her if she'd be interested in going with you? Either way don't feel guilty, you never deceived her or promised her something you weren't going to give.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Beruthiel

behave Mercie!

Occidental

Jafar,

Excellent stuff. The O's and C's stuff is right up there with 'if you love someone set them free' and 'you can't get pregnant on your first time'. It's all bullsh!t, but if it makes you feel better then good for you.

PS: Here's one to try on the girlfriend. 'I really love you but I'm dumping you because I can't be arsed to put the effort in'.

Sleepy

Occidental, have you ever been in love? Because you seem to have a marvelously naieve opinion of it. Love can't conquer all. There are times when you can adore someone yet have to part company from them. I can't speak for Jafar's relationship here because I don't know him or his girlfriend, yet if he says he loves her I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he does.

Maybe going travelling doesn't seem like a big enough deal for you to break up with someone you love so if you'll allow me to make quite a stretch of an analogy, imagine if you were madly in love with someone. You want to have children with this person. They don't want kids full stop. Where do you go? Wear them down until they have a child with you and end up resenting both you and the child? Give into them and end up resenting them for the rest of your life? Sometimes there is no room for compromise in a relationship and you just have to part company, no matter how hard that is to do.

Occidental

Relationship 1:
I really love you and I want to have kids with you, but you’ve told me you never want kids.

Relationship 2:
I really love you, but I can’t be arsed trying to hold a relationship together while I travel around the world for the next few years.

Yeah, you’re right Sleepy. The two situations are so similar it’s untrue

Xterminator

Jafar

You only get one life. Do whats seems right for you. Dont betray yourself.

Be gentle, if is bad news for the lass.

For what its worth, I chose the girl.
Perhaps thats over simplifying things, but i understand your choice.

Finally as for O ... Are you a spurned lady??
Probably.
If not then you have consumed too many romance novels, your living in a different world, or your very immature.

Either way, this is the real world, and feelings are important, but so are other factors.

X

Sleepy

Originally posted by Occidental
Relationship 1:
I really love you and I want to have kids with you, but you’ve told me you never want kids.

Relationship 2:
I really love you, but I can’t be arsed trying to hold a relationship together while I travel around the world for the next few years.

Yeah, you’re right Sleepy. The two situations are so similar it’s untrue

QUESTION:How does:

"I really love you, but I can’t be arsed trying to hold a relationship together while I travel around the world for the next few years."

equal

"I really love you, but I told you before we got together I was going travelling, I've already delayed it for six months. It's not fair on either of us to try and hold this together while I travel around the world for the next few years so I think we should call it a day for now."

ANSWER: It doesn't.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by TwoShedsJackson
If you want to break up with her, break up with her.

I should start charging for all this advice.

i believe i have the copyright on giving helpful advice instead of teen angst bullshít...

thats a dollar thirty you owe me!

smiles

Occidental, you've given your opinion. browbeating him will not change what he says/thinks.

Any more flames and you're banned.

<< Fio >>

Typedef

Be straight out with her.

You intend to be off in other countries getting your jollies and while you went through the obligatory "I love you hunny-bunny" stuff that women require you to say in exchange for sex, now that you're on your way, you need to go through the motions of agonising over your decision.

So, do that, go through those motions, maybe get some breaking-up-leaving-you-for-ever-goodbye sex and do what it is you've been doing and going to do all along.

Everybody knows relationships are transitory these days anyway... it's better for the economy, keeps the birth rates low, the drones working hard and the women in work, where they should be.

If in doubt, watch 12 hours of MTV, before dumping her....
You're brain should be suitably brainwashed/de-evolved/saturated with pop pseudo-culture by then, that all you'll want to do, is go to IBIZA, return to Ireland, become a brain surgeon, a movie star and then Leader of a Federal Europe.

At that point you can explain to your "love"r that she could never be a Presidents wife and that's that, since your miles too good for her.

Then all you need do is cast her aside and jump on a plane. Better to be the one doing the casting then the one being cast right?

*sigh*