Help! Im stuck!!

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

First off, apologies in advance for the sloppiness of this post, but its well after 4am and ive finally gotten the balls to spill my heart out... (ive never done anything really like this before)

Anyway, to my problem. Lately ive been feeling pretty lonely. I wont go into too much details about my past but my current circle of gay friends is a small one and as im amazingly shy, I rarely go out socialising (there in lies the problem I guess). Ive only ever had a small group of gay friends and ive always been fine with it, however, in the past little while ive pretty much lost 2 of them. One was down to a large row and tbh, the result was for the best (ie the guy turned out to be a bit of an asshole and im happy hes no longer apart of my life ). The second on the other hand is something I regret very much. Someone, whom I only knew a short time, I grew incredibly close to. But, one night - months ago – we were in bed together and we got intimate (even though I said from the word go that I didnt want anything like that to happen as I predicted it would ruin the friendship, also I am in a relationship – oh btw, im not blaming him for what happened as I know it does take 2 to tango etc ). I cant even begin to describe just how much regret I have over this. We were like brothers, I really did love him. We are still friends now, but its not even a shadow of what we did have and this truly upsets me. Sry for the rambling here, ill just get to the point now...

I would really like to make new gay friends, but I dont really know how! I logged into gaydar for the first time in the best part of a year only to find (not really to my surprise) that its virtually 100% a sex directory (I remembered it as being only 95% when I last was on ;-p). If anyone has any advice it really would be appreciated and pls dont shout the obvious answer to me that I should just get out there and meet ppl, I cant stress enough how damn shy I am :$ (it took me hours to actually write this and this is from anon to anon ^^). Its not that I just wont meet up with ppl, the prob is just getting to know them enough to decide if I wanna meet up with them or not (I do prefer to find out just a bit about ya first before meeting u – however, often it ends quickly with soemthing like this >> - Im sry, im a lil confused here, why do I gotta tell u the size of my cock or indeed supply u with a picture of my cock – what assistance do u think this will have on our forming a FRIENDSHIP?!? :S)

Anyway, seems near impossible to just meet others that arent completely sex driven. (btw, im 21 just in case u needed to know) Im a decent ordinary kinda guy that simply wants to make friends with others similar to myself, someone pls assure me that im not the only one!!!

Thanks for reading...

swiss

I know this sounds obvious, but it looks like you're your own worst enemy here.

I rarely go out socialising (there in lies the problem I guess).

There is more than one way to meet new people, but you're going to have to interact with them in one way or another before you get in any way close or friendly with them. 'Socialising' doesn't necessarily mean going to bars and/or niteclubs. It could mean joining a club, perhaps in an area that interests you - for example sports, chess, film, theatre etc. It could mean getting to know your class (if you're in college) or your workmates (if you're working).

I also have to wonder a little why you're so keen to meet other gay people. Out of all my friends and casual acquaintances, only a relatively small minority are gay. I suppose this reflects overall population trends, but I find I share other interests with my friends other than who I like to sleep with :P. Perhaps if you got a little less caught up in finding gay friends and just concentrated on finding friends, you might not have so much to worry about.

As for your friend, well I'm not going to soften it for you, you screwed up. Ignoring the fact that it's usually not a good idea to sleep with close friends, you cheated on your partner. I'm not going to go into the morality of doing this, so instead if you haven't done so already I would suggest that you have a word with your friend and tell him pretty much what you told us here. Maybe things will go back to the way they were, probably not, but it's better to be honest with him about it - it's probably the least he deserves.

As for gaydar, I'm personally prejudiced against this website. Initially I thought it was fine, but after receiving message after message from guys just wanting one thing (and I'm not that good looking I assure you) I just figured that it turned into a sex website without even pretending to be anything else. I have met a few friends from the site, but not that many at all. If you feel like sifting the chaff from the wheat I'm sure you'll find a few people there that think as you do. For the most part however such people have stopped using that website.

LegacyUser

Hi swiss,

Yes it does sound obvious and yes your probably right ^^

Something i didnt note in my post is that i neither work or go to college, long story short, i was working for a company for a bit under 4 years and whist i made some friends from there fine, ya never really appreciate fully just how many ppl u meet from doing a couple of jobs and then indeed going to college. On the work end, i have no plan to work in the foreseeable future, its something i only wish to do if and when i actually desire to and as im lucky enough to have no money problems im not going to force it College is something that i would like to do on the other hand and when i am able i will indeed look into that. However theres a bit of time between that and now.... So ill take on board what you suggested about go joining a club etc, i havent looked into that very much but when i did it was slim pickin's :-d

You asked why was my focus to meet other gay ppl, well for the best part of my life ive associated with those older than me. Even as kid i found i got on better with my older brothers friends than my own. Im feeling now that i must be missing out on something (im guessing here) and so i am pretty much looking/hoping to meet others similar to myself. That said i would have no objection to getting to know others, but my preference would be people, regardless of gender, who are open minded about sexuality.

Yes it was a screw up what happened between myself and my friend. (oh btw - I would ask you to go easy on the "you screwed up" - believe me there isnt one guilty person here). That said, I did blame him pretty much for what happened, this is something i havent told him yet (but as he reads these boards and guess who txt me first thing this morning asking if i posted on boards!! lol he knows now!!). I cant help but feel that this whole thing is actually a lot to do with that, I must have been aware on some level that he would have read this... But i want him to know that i was wrong to blame him for what happened and i hope we can get things back to the way they were. I told him i felt a bit silly about all this! he replied "mmm, im not surprised..." lol, thats what i love about him, hes honesty (and knowing ur reading this, let me say to u, dont u ever change! Or ill have to hunt u down and kill u - oh, hes moving shortly, be sure to txt me the new address pls - so i can concentrate on the killing part gehehhe)

And finally, gaydar/gay websites in general really. I think this pushed me to write this post. As i said i hadnt used it in quite some time and i really couldnt believe it could get worse than it was. I was really annoyed that i wasted any time at all talking to ppl who were well aware that i was only after friendship/chat and not 10 minutes into any conversation and they wanted my pic and/or meet for shag?! (Im kinda old fashioned in the sense that i like to know the persons name before sending my pic blah blah and it doesnt encourage me any when they ask for my pic or number without even bothered to find out my name.... ^^ yeah there after friendship alright lol)

So there u go, i think i just wanted to have a rant as well and to hear that others had the same experience with such sites..........

newgrange

You could hang out for a while on the message boards at http://www.gaire.com
We have regular meet-ups, and people have made some good friends (non-sexual) from Gaire.
It's mainly gay, but 'straight-friendly'.
I'm newgrange there too, if you want to message me.

Rock Climber

Originally posted by swiss
it's usually not a good idea to sleep with close friends

That rule is often mentioned and is a good rule of thumb, but it's not gospel.
Like , if you are going to have any meaningfull sexual relationship with anybody you would want to be close to them.
The whole idea is connection unless it's a meaningless one night drunken stand.

As for Sad Twat, you've had a BF and you've lost him through your own actions.
If thats the friend you had the huge row with, shur thats no bother to you as you say yourself it was for the best.
Go with the swiss advice there and bite the bullet.
If you are having so much trouble relating to people to the extent that your shyness won't let you out then you will need some drastic solution to get over that.
Try hypnosis maybe or see a psychologist.
the latter could possibly be contacted through your GP or college doctor.
Theres an AA and a gamblers anonymous, why isn't there a similar group for shy people

RuggieBear

If you are into rugby (or sport at all)....i heard about this team on the radio the other day. I always found sport to be a very social occassion and a good laugh...

http://www.emeraldwarriorsrfc.com/

p

LegacyUser

hey all, thanks heaps for the posts )

Some different suggestions there too cheers

One or two misunderstandings in there tho. I didnt lose my bf, its a long term relationship and im still in it its somewhat an open relationship, altho i dont tend to sleep around really but the reason i choose not to sleep with my close friends is because something that happened in the past. It does seem that i cant sleep with someone close to me without my feelings changing and so, i value a proper friendship over a shag...

As for swiss's advice, ive already done it in terms of biting the bullet ^^ the friend whom i was very close to but am not anymore reads these boards so its not like anything is being kept hidden, all concerned know whats going on trust me (if i could only say one thing about myself its that im ALWAYS BRUTALLY HONEST heheh)

ixoy

If I may be so bold, I'd suggest one of the best ways to make new gay friends, if you feel the need to, is to go out with your existing gay friends and meet their gay friends. A lot of my friends who are gay are all friends, or frienfdly with, each other because we all got to know one another through various nights out. Chances are also that you'll have some thread in common with them. You certainly won't like them all, but there's the chance you'll like and want to get to know a couple. It's worked for me and I used to be quite the shy person (and am still very much not the one to initiate conversations with complete strangers).
Give it a shot and let us know how it goes.

moridin

phht, stop hitting on him ixoy.

Hmmm, emeraldwarriors were in the george on friday night, I was in there for a couple of hours. Barmen (well, the guys behind the bar) in football and rugby kit... I know someone who would have loved it, hehe

LegacyUser

football and rugby kits.......... ^^ *comes over all fuzzy* :$

monkeymagic

It may seem silly, but if you didn't want to actually join a club because you're shy why not see if there are any websites or chat rooms for people with similar interests of yours? I'm assuming since you're in a LTR that you don't mind being up front about your sexuality, so if they know and you meet like minded people who are gay also it may be another way to get to know people without having to launch yourself in at the deep end. Then again you could always try messaging people replying here if you get desperate lol

the_syco

Originally posted by Rock Climber
Go with the swiss advice there and bite the bullet.

Hehehe. I thought the bit about biting the bullet was funny, given the board, and all.

Anyhows, be sure to check out Gay Community News, outhouse.ie, gay-ireland, or a Gay Hiking club.

Or go searching for a club yourself.

The gay hiking club may suit you, as its a) a club b) mostly full of gay people and c) you'll get to know people (talking helps pass the time when hiking).