Am i screwed up?

hardbrass

Hi i am here to tell a story of my life. Most of you will problady find it boring and depressing but some times it really rips me apart and I don’t sleep over it and I would not talk to a shrink because id feel uncomfortable with it so I have turned to cyberspace.

I am currently a 22 year old student on the verge of finishing my IT degree. I feel I am very lucky to have ever gotten this far considering the sort of upbringing I had. I come from a family, the youngest of three children. Mentally retarded older brother, normal sister 10 years older than me.

When I was younger life seemed good. The first memory I have is of walking into my sisters room one day after hearing screaming, to find my mother and father standing over here with shoes in their hand and blood dripping from my sisters head. She had being bold in school that day and my parents had taken out their anger on her. From a very young age I too have always been severely beaten for any wrongdoing. Punishments ranging from leather straps to having my head held down in a basin of water to being stripped naked at about the age of seven and beaten with two bamboo sticks, all my parents doing.

Now in school and when i was growing up I was always in trouble, in school from an early age i was always a messer. I guess I was one of those people that it appeared was picked on by teachers but I don’t think I was. I think I asked for it any time I got it. However some teachers used to beat me in school aswell but I could never tell my parents because of fear of what they would do for me getting in trouble. At the age of about 16 my sister left for home and never really came back. At the age of about 12 I was as bold as ever despite the beatings. I remember sneaking out of my window at night to go and throw eggs and stones at cars in order to get a chase. This used to take place at about 2 in the morning and sometimes the police would come but never catch us. Sometimes we would drink ourselves rotten. My mate was in a similar category to me except his parents were alcoholics and I mean major league. After a while it was decided that I should join the altar boys in one of our town churches. I did this and stayed with them for about 6 years. It was the Franciscan order and there was never a hint of any sort of abuse with them or anything. Nice people really. When I was about 13 I left alter boys for Junior Cert. I did this but hardly bothered really. I was smart in school I just never tried and had no interest whatsoever.

Meanwhile I was getting suspended and constant beatings at home and the likes. Also older brother (retarded) got beaten from time to time. Sometimes my mother would do this sort of strange laugh when she would beat me. Really terrified me. My father worked in a job with a lot of pressure and took it out on us…I feel! Dont really know why they ever got married, there was no love there. Maybe once but who knows... However no one ever really suspected anything. I must have just come accross as this spoilt child because i used to be taken all over the world on holiday. By the time I was 16 I had seen more of the world than most people would see in their entire lives. Once home though I grew up with not much love or affection, maybe thats why I looked for attention in school?

This went on for a long time, I had a good time doing it really so thats why I kept it going for so long. Later on in life I then started hanging around with the wrong crowd, got in trouble with the law, nearly got locked up a couple of times. Everytime I was in court I had the best solicitor paid for by my parents and all my fines were paid for totaling about 5000 Irish pounds in total. Used to go off with different girls nearly everynight, always broke it off before it got serious. Am good looking, and still get a lot of attention from women but no one that I can get close with even though I want to. At about 16 started appearing in court. Shop lifting and the likes. Used to go in robbing with these people that were scumbags really. Was really terrified by my father. Used to run out of the house at night with him after me and climb up this tall tree to get away. Tree was cut down to my upset. Didn’t ever need to rob but just did it anyway and got good at it. However everything comes to an end and I was nearly locked up over it. I then went straight after that and did my leaving Cert. in a private college. I then had a relapse with the crime and ended up doing 3 days remand in Limerick. Luckily remand does not go on your record and I was in on a driving conviction anyway.

I was sort of scared going in because id heard all the stories but it was grand inside. Everyone just thought I was a joyrider, which was something along the lines I had been kicked in there for. Everyone in there was sound really, everyone sitting around telling stories, playing pool and smoking rollies lol. I had being remanded for sentencing but I got off it with because of college. That was a year ago but ive calmed down now and no more trouble.

I also don’t go home much anymore but I still miss the place. I think id cry if my mother died but im not sure. Father I hardly would really. Father is retired and parents have being going to mass constantly for about 5 years now, at least once a day. Father wont even say ’God or Jesus’ except in prayer. ****ed up really I guess.

I now can be resentful towards some people. I have to have a real confident cheeky girlfriend or else I will walk all over her and then dump her. I like swimming and surfing. I need to know should I talk to my parents and forget about the years before. I know my sister does but she is a bit ****ed up from it all I think. I know its important to get on with family or you wont get on with other people but I don’t like them I cant wait to move away to London soon, il be free then. Does anyone know what I should do? Should I face the parents or just leave them? I don’t speak much to my brother and sister really. Im tough, not much will bother me. I get depressed from this sometimes but I never show it and id never think of killing myself or anything like that, especially after doing 4 years in college lol. Im not looking for sympathy, just advice. I want to have kids some day, I will love them and my wife. I am pleasant and happy now. I can treat a woman right and I will for definite. Its nice to tell people this. Please help if you can. Thanks for reading!

P.S. Parents are not drug or drink users.

Boston

Moving to london won't change what happened, you'll just be running away from your problems. You need to face your parents in some way. Have them arrested if you think it will help. Lash out at them, tell them what you think and then go to london for a fresh start. One things for sure you can't just let them think that what they did to you was ok.

mrwyoming

you survived it all, enjoy tomorrow i guess.

i honestly can't relate to much an ounce of your issues, but can only respect you for coming out the other end (no serial-killer-instincts-in-tow). not being able to draw on any experience... except the thralls of common-sense, it would seem that maybe you do need to confront them at least once; or else it would pray on your mind for years to come. forgive and forget i guess, even if it's not mutual or reciporicated in the slightest.

Chinafoot

as clichéd as this sounds its true that what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.
if it was me i'd face them, if only to show them how different i am and how they didnt succeed in beating me down. your parents sound like bullies and all bullies want to do is put others down to make themselves feel better. you overcame that and proved that you're a better person than they are.

i wouldnt cut myself off from the siblings though. i mean they went through the same stuff as you, you could help each other.

fair play for coming through it all hope it all works out for you.

alleepally

The very start of your post showed your true feelings on the issue. It rips you apart sometimes and sometimes you don't sleep over it so it's an issue for you that hurts. You might think that moving away and leaving everything behind will be a solution but it never is. There is a saying "no matter where you go, there you are". The scenery may change but you don't. Why not sit down and write a letter to your parents and tell them the hurt you feel. That way, you can express your emotions without getting into a heated exchange in person. It could pave the way for a dialogue with your parents that can help you draw a line in the sand on the past for you.

Don't lose touch with your sis. You both came through the same things and she is the only one who can ever fully understand you.

Finally, there is no shame in seeking out a therapist who can help you work through any issues. You have been through a lot and although you appear to be a strong person, you will be stronger by allowing someone in who can help you.

Good luck for the future and best wishes to you. I hope you find peace.

begbie

Yeah, running away won't solve anything. Good luck with whatever you decided to do.

][cEMAN**

I think the question is more to do with what do you need? Not what they need. Do you feel you want to get something from them? Do you feel you need to show them up or show them you can get on without them? Are you looking for closure? Are you looking for a feeling of superiority or anything else?

Do you feel that if you don't confront them you'll always regret it? Do you feel there's some satisfaction you need to get from it? If so then do it - confornt them. You sound like you're free now and you can leave again if they try anything.

If however, you feel that you don't need closure and that you're happy enough with yourself to just live your life, then do so. Walk away. There's no need to drag something up if you don't benefit from it. Don't feel you need to do this for them. Do it for yourself and only yourself. Otherwise you won't accomplish anything.

Beruthiel

My parents (mother especially) used to use a wooden spoon and those little branches from the sycamore tree, sometimes the handle of a brush. They had no clue how to communicate with us, though you’re parents sound far worse, I have to say that by the time I hit 16 I hated my mother so much that I would have been happy were she dead, in fact I used to wish it.
I was resentful for a long, long time. At the age of 30 I read a book ‘My Mother, Myself’ by Nancy Friday. It opened my eyes to a certain extent and I saw my mother in a new light. I’m not saying I forgave her 100% but I accepted the fact that she had been brought up in an age where this is how she was taught to be a parent, compared to her parents, she probably thought she was doing pretty good.
It’s not excusing her, it’s explaining her to a greater extent. Yes she could have made a better effort, but I guess back then there were no parenting classes or books on the subject. It is entirely up to you how you decide to resolve yourself with this, perhaps you need to confront them, to get it off your chest. I never did, I resolved it in my own heard instead.
It is bothering you, so how about seeing a professional? They would get to know you and ye could decide the next best step for you. I would recommend the book I mentioned above, I know it’s about mothers and daughters but I believe the content would still be relevant to you.

hedgetrimmer

First of all, well done on survivng. You have been through a lot, and I admire you for having the courage to talk about, and having the courage to think about it.

I am not gonig into my own background, but this thing never leaves you per say. You leanr to cope with it, deal with it, and learn from it so that you may break the cycle and not repeat it yourself.

It really boilsdown to one question - do you want to see your parents? If you decide that you want to meet them, to say goodbye or whatever, meet them somewhere public - don;t go back home. As regards your siblings, they are still licking their wounds so to speak, give them time and they will contact you.

Time is what is needed. Focus on what you want, and don;t let them interfere with your hapiness. If they get left alone, that is where theit life choices have lead them. You make you own choices, become your own person.

Good luck.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by hedgetrimmer
Time is what is needed. Focus on what you want, and don;t let them interfere with your hapiness. If they get left alone, that is where theit life choices have lead them

indeed you are quite correct, I had forgotten - My parents did not speak to me for 4 years because of a letter she read which I had sent to my younger sister - I won't go into it, but it had not been very complimentary - anyway, they had 4 years to think and eventually got back in contact. Perhaps hedgetrimmer is correct on that one, give them some space to contemplate the error of their ways, though if you do this, you’ll have to tell them why first, otherwise they will live in denial as to your reasons for not being in touch.
Think about that though before you do it, as it would not help you to find out that one of them had passed away before reconciliation of some sort.
I know that sound like a strange thing to say considering what they have put you through, but it’s funny how death can affect us

pork99

The first memory I have is of walking into my sisters room one day after hearing screaming, to find my mother and father standing over here with shoes in their hand and blood dripping from my sisters head. She had being bold in school that day and my parents had taken out their anger on her. From a very young age I too have always been severely beaten for any wrongdoing. Punishments ranging from leather straps to having my head held down in a basin of water to being stripped naked at about the age of seven and beaten with two bamboo sticks, all my parents doing.

No offense meant but it was your parents not you who belonged in prison.

Sleepy

Stay in touch with your sister. You went through the same shit you can help each other.

Have it out with your parents. A good roaring, screaming match could well clear the air for you. If it doesn't, and your father turns to his old means of dealing with you, give him the hiding of his life. It'll give you closure on the matter and you'll be able to get on with your own life. I may be shot down for that advise but before that, let me explain my logic on this. All your life you've been beaten down on and you've take your agression out on yourself (by doing stupid things that got you in trouble). Take that agression and turn it back on the source and you might just rid yourself of it entirely.

There is nothing to help you get over being bullied like dishing out a kicking to the bully.

LegacyUser

I grew up in a similar environment. My father led the way in slightly over the top discipline. That beside my being (and later really feeling) excluded socially, left me heading away from home as an empty book. I went away to college, got a job, moved towns. I made myself independant fincancially and gave myself the physical space and time to make myself what I wanted to be.

Some might say 'doesn't that happen anyway?'. A social life just happens as well for alot of people. Some of them look down on people who don't have that or an experience of it and no-one to turn to. And then find it difficult to get one. The same goes for parents. People who now have children are having to pull themselves up to a standard (which you should do since it's an actual person that's being parented, not an intangable responsiblity or a status or an allowance).

But there's nothing wrong with going to another town. Go to a couple of them. But the biggest thing you will have to face is yourself. Stick to a town for a few years. Maybe not a single town but a small area. Call it home and learn to deal with people forming opinions of you over a time, people who never knew your parents.

Your sister is further along dealing with it than you are (I can only assume), listen to what she has to say. I've a sister 2 years older than me. She's got her own life in Dublin. I'm in Cork. I chose my own place. We stay in contact. I've learned to let go of things from her and about life in general. She knows where I'm coming from. It took her some time to settle down (she bore the brunt of what happened to us, she had a better social life and tore of in all directions at the first chance; she took this and that which culminated in her being clinically dead for two minutes in the states). But since we started talking properly, she's been a well of experience.

Basically there is no end to the road anyone's been put on, you can never arrive and be something; I've not forgotten but I'm fighting back at life. Having said that, I could have curled up and scrounged off this for life, using it as an excuse for never really doing anything. Ending up in the Joy, being paid to look for work by the State, never made real friends or formed actual relationships. What happened to me happened, but I know alot of people who've gone a long way with what they have; themselves, a healthy body and a reasonably good intellect. There is no way I'm being denied that because some guy doesn't know how to bring up children.

Humphrey

No offence again but your parents have paid for the best Lawyers to get you out of trouble, paid for private schooling, probably college worthing thinking about why they have done all this for you.....

hardbrass

Hey thanks for the opinons there, ive being considering some of them quite seriously especially 'Amoy' and Beruthiel.

I also hear what the others are saying about facing the parents. Well i did have a bit of a showdown with them last year at some stage. i mean a lot of history did come up and i said some things but to be honest i half felt sorry for saying them afterwards. Even though i dont like them i still dont seem to really want to hurt their feelings and the arguement resolved very little anyway. You see im not a mean bad person or anything like that. When i said earlier about us throwing stuff at cars we did just for the chase. We used eggs and really small pebbles because we knew they would not do any damage. We were strictly doing it for the chase, it wasnt anger or anything, i think it was just my way of escaping for a little while from the life i was in.

Its pointless argueing with the parents anyway. I mean anything like that my father just completly blanks out, switches off and i dont really know whats going through my mothers head. I think perhaps the best thing to do really is just move away to London, start my life again. My best mate and a couple of others are over there anyway and when il be over with them nothing will really matter anyway.

Im with a new girl at the moment since Sunday and i kind of like her quite a bit but already there is a voice in my head telling me to break it off and forget her even though i dont want to and id love to stay with her for a while until i could properly trust her and then maybe open up to her. I think talking to someone would help but id just be sort of embarrassed over the whole thing. And besides maybe im wrong and they were right, i was pretty uncontrolable when i was younger, maybe that was the only way to didipline me?

I already said i started shoplifting and i can remember hanging around the town doing it and i really hated being there. i didnt belong with those people but for some reason i just stayed doing it even though half the time i actually felt sorry for robbing on people. I did feel guilt!

So if i do just completly move away and maybe see a shrink in England and talk it over with her (would prefer a woman for some reason) maybe she would help me resolve my problems. All im looking for is peace of mind. Im not some lunatic or anything but i do feel turmoil in my mind from it all. Any ideas?

Sleepy

Open up to her, what's the worst that can happen? Absolute worst case, you get dumped and you move on. Which, to be fair, is extremely unlikely. What's more likely is that talking about your past with her will forge something of a bond between you both and will help you come to terms with it yourself.

Just my 2c.