The Only Contributor In A LD Relationship

senordingdong

Im in a bit of a bind at the moment. Im in a long distance relationship and im starting to feel like the missus is not doing her fair share.

90-95% of the time weve spent together over the last 9 months that weve been going out has been in her town. She has had acceptable reasons up untill about a month ago and since then nothing has changed.

Also, it seems i hold her with more priority than she holds me. She puts me second best to alot of other things that i would put her before when things are the other way around.

I do want to confront her about it but i dont want to fight with her...can anybody suggest a decent way to bring this up?

damnyanks

You have to confront her about it in some shape form or matter. May as well do it...

I guess next time you organise a night out or whatever ask her to your place. Say how your always going up to her place and that your current situation doesnt really allow for you to keep going up to her.

Or else find someone nearer she may not be as interested in you as you are with her (It does happen )

secret_squirrel

sounds like she starting to find the LD stuff too much effort. Sit down and discuss it, but be prepared to end things if she's not going to make the effort you and the relationship deserve.

BuffyBot

Im in a bit of a bind at the moment. Im in a long distance relationship and im starting to feel like the missus is not doing her fair share

LD relationships are notoriously hard to keep alive. While I'm hesitant to say it won't work (they can, and sometimes do), the vast majority don't last the course.

It seems to me that a long hard chat is in order where either one of you, or both, may want to end it.

arkles

hiya
im in the exact sutuation as u at present, only difference is the roles are reversed, tis she does all the running, i just sit on my fat ass and collect her at the train

this has all come to a head in the last few weeks she got out, took a break, whatever u want to call it, now she wants to be just good friends

last night i had a long chat with her about the situation, and i told her from now on there would be a complete role reversal, ie: i do all the running for awhile, she accepted my proposal

geez this girl left her family and friends 5 years ago to be with me, she moved 80 miles, got work in my local town, lived in a horrid rented room, now if that aint love what is ? she commuted up and down each weekend to see her family,etc

she moved back to her home town 2 years ago to do a course, ( but with hindsight she had enough of it) , she still commuted up and down every few weeks, she often mentioned what was gonna become of us, sure i said we will be grand, never thinking for a min all the hassle effort she had put into the relationship, to be fair twas easier for her to commute than me, but i didnt make the effort to at least meet her half way


so i guess u have to have the ould heart to heart, maybe she will see the light as i did, put it too her as twas put to me, either meet me 50/50 or end of relationship

Red Alert

Long distance relationships... they're great in principle, can sometimes work, but from experience they don't. Unless someone's only gone for a month or two - anything longer and well, a relationship without the same physical presence and closeless just isn't the same.

senordingdong

Well thanks for all the suggestions but can anyone suggest a way for me to bring up the ould heart to heart in such a manner that wont seem like me being bitchey and hence be a prelude to a fight?

arkles

well all i can say to u is that if she loves you trully, that she will listen, i seen the light at the 11th hour because it was put to me fair and square, no bull****,

if she cant take this type of discussion she is being selfish and maybe tis best that ye take a break and become friends for awhile, u never miss the water till the well goes dry.

if u want to take the suttle approach to test her out, make a date, then tell her two weeks (give her time so she can make arrangements to come to u ) before hand that u cant go meet her, make up some excuse why u cant go meet her, i think its ok to tell a fib in this situation as u need to find out her true feelings, if she wont come to meet u on the day of the date, or makes up an excuse u have ur answer got,

tell her ok thats fine i cant go to u for x reason, u cant come to me for y reason so i guess we need time on our own to see what we really want, or u could say whats in ur signature to her

if she does come meet you, wine her and dine her then tell her the truth that u are not able to do all the running anymore and that if she wants to keep what ye have alive she will have to put more effort into meeting u half way, say this nicely dont be narky, see how it goes, everything relies on her comming to u for the next date

no contact what so ever for awhile can make ppl see things in a different light

on a different note, a word of advise to all you lovebirds out there, from someone who has been there, women do not decide to take a break , get out of a relationship in a day/week, it will build up over time a year even, she will lose her love slowly,a gradual process, (oh she will give u hints but if u dont take them listen in time, then it may be too late) and then hit u with it down the road,

the problem then is she has had time to get over you and its a waste of time trying to get her to return/ love u, she has her grieving done ages ago, but u never knew that, now u have to grieve alone

why i tell this is i have been there and a warning to everyone if u have true love for god sakes cherish it, do everything u can to keep it alive, dont take love for granted.

senordingdong

Originally posted by arkles
well all i can say to u is that if she loves you trully, that she will listen, i seen the light at the 11th hour because it was put to me fair and square, no bull****,

if she cant take this type of discussion she is being selfish and maybe tis best that ye take a break and become friends for awhile, u never miss the water till the well goes dry.

if u want to take the suttle approach to test her out, make a date, then tell her two weeks (give her time so she can make arrangements to come to u ) before hand that u cant go meet her, make up some excuse why u cant go meet her, i think its ok to tell a fib in this situation as u need to find out her true feelings, if she wont come to meet u on the day of the date, or makes up an excuse u have ur answer got,

tell her ok thats fine i cant go to u for x reason, u cant come to me for y reason so i guess we need time on our own to see what we really want, or u could say whats in ur signature to her

if she does come meet you, wine her and dine her then tell her the truth that u are not able to do all the running anymore and that if she wants to keep what ye have alive she will have to put more effort into meeting u half way, say this nicely dont be narky, see how it goes, everything relies on her comming to u for the next date

no contact what so ever for awhile can make ppl see things in a different light

Well thats kinda the catch, this is just the way the things are and seemingly always have been so i think she may be completely oblivious to the situation as it is anyway.
But ill let you know how it goes all the same.

Red Alert

Do you know roughly what she wants? Ie. does she want to keep this relationship going or not? Secondly, do you? You need to have a good idea of the answers to both of these questions before the 2 of you set about talking about it.

Johnny Versace

I used to be in a LD relationship. We had the exact same problem, except it was me who wasn't making the effort.

She had moved back to Chicago, and I was in Dublin. I was supposed to wait for her to come back to Ireland (after a year.)

After a few months I realised LD relationships just don't work, and I started seeing someone else. I kept in contact with my "girlfriend", but only due to guilt. It was a half hearted attempt at keeping in contact.

She didn't know I was seeing the other girl, but she complained I was making a half hearted effort.

We eventually broke up.

...

Your girlf may not be cheating, but it does sound like the relationship may be heading in that direction... Sorry.

Typedef

Dump her.

You never know, she might be sleeping with somebody else.... if not... you don't have to do that whole ludicrous commute to dip your wick at the weekends.

Win win basically.

Chinafoot

Originally posted by Typedef
Dump her.

You never know, she might be sleeping with somebody else.... if not... you don't have to do that whole ludicrous commute to dip your wick at the weekends.

Win win basically.

awww and who says romance is dead??

nah but seriously i agree with typedef, although i might not have put it so bluntly.
you need ot ask urself what YOU want and if she's not making the effort i'd call it a day. long-distance relationships are hard enough, even with both ppl making the effort. maybe u should cut ur losses and look elsewhere.

Sleepy

Why do you assume that having a heart to heart with your girlfriend will result in a fight?

Fair Enough

I have to say, the only way to bring this up is, well, to bring it up. I did the long distant relationship thing for a while and felt the same way. Being a woman though, I just brought it up and now things have changed. We now live together in MY town.

I will say though, don't just bring it up in a row or something. She'll be less likely to start an argument if your honest about your feelings.

Best bet is to hide your anger and show your emotional side. She'll respect you more for showing your emotions than hidding behing your manly exterior.

A little secret about women is that they can't resist a man with emotion. If you cry she'll not only listen to what you're trying to say but she'll love you more for it too.

Best of luck!!:D

Sleepy

ROFL - cry? Over always being the one to do the train journeys...

tinkerbell

Three words - talk to her.

There's no point sitting around worrying about it. If she won't do the running to you, then you'll have to go visit her and have a chat about it face to face, and then hopefully you can sort it out.

Long distance can work if both of you want it to work.

Seraphina

Originally posted by Johnny Versace
I used to be in a LD relationship. We had the exact same problem, except it was me who wasn't making the effort.

She had moved back to Chicago, and I was in Dublin. I was supposed to wait for her to come back to Ireland (after a year.)

After a few months I realised LD relationships just don't work, and I started seeing someone else. I kept in contact with my "girlfriend", but only due to guilt. It was a half hearted attempt at keeping in contact.

She didn't know I was seeing the other girl, but she complained I was making a half hearted effort.

We eventually broke up.

...

Your girlf may not be cheating, but it does sound like the relationship may be heading in that direction... Sorry.

is cheating your answer to everything? :rolleyes:

senordingdong

Wow, thats a-lot of input.
Some things need to be cleared up, our relationship is grand...y'all are making out to be some sort of cold-hearted, cheating skank...its not like that.

While talking to her yesterday i vaguely mentioned the matter and she explained how her mother is abit of a pshyco and would not let her come to Dublin even half as much as i go to her town. I know that this is true but when it comes to the two of them arguing about it she always lets her mother win.
She basically (in my opinion) doesnt make a good enough stand against her mother on this issue and so her mother always wins.
I cant make her see my point of view on it....and thast the "issue" thusfar.

So if anyone can recomend a way of making her see things from my point of view that wont seem like me taking a stab at her it would be much appreaciated....instead if telling me that shes a cheating skank or something.

Sleepy

What age are you both? If you're both over 18, tell your girlfriend to cut the apron strings. It's not healthy.

senordingdong

Originally posted by Sleepy
What age are you both? If you're both over 18, tell your girlfriend to cut the apron strings. It's not healthy.

Apron strings....?.....i dont get it.

arkles

momma smurf
been there done that

senordingdong

Originally posted by arkles
momma smurf
been there done that

Nah...sorry, im still not getting this.

BuffyBot

I think senordingdong < 18, so I'm assuming his gf is, so her getting away from her parents (cutting the apron strings) isn't an option

senordingdong

Originally posted by BuffyBot
I think senordingdong < 18, so I'm assuming his gf is, so her getting away from her parents (cutting the apron strings) isn't an option

Wow! How ever did you guess? Was it the "dingdong"? DDid the "dingdong" give me away?

Yes he/she just hit the nail on the head....cutting the strings isnt an option for at-least a few months.

BuffyBot

Wow! How ever did you guess?

I think it was one of your other posts re: some medical issue. I think you said you hadn't left school

senordingdong

Originally posted by BuffyBot
I think it was one of your other posts re: some medical issue. I think you said you hadn't left school

Yeah that'd be a bit of a give away.