No help for gays' mums in Ulster

Stark

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/news/northwest_weekly/story.jsp?story=516043

By Brendan McDaid

A LANDMARK survey has found almost zero support for Ulster mothers who find out their son is gay.

A study carried out by the University of Ulster found that while up to 15 per cent of all local mothers will find out at least one of their children is gay, there was no support or advice structures in place.

Post-graduate student and Derry mother Cathy Falconer conducted the research after being told by her own son that he was homosexual.

Ms Falconer said readily available advice services would help dispel old myths and give mothers confidence to deal positively with what she termed a "painful, confusing and tense" time for the whole family.

Ms Falconer surveyed a group of mothers as a result of her own experience.

Mothers across Ulster were found to be suffering from similar symptoms including pent-up worry, concern, a barrage of stereotypes of homosexuality.

Almost all mothers mentioned a complete absence of support and advice in coming to terms with the news.

Ms Falconer said: "My son, Barry, was 17 when he told me he was gay. That was four years ago. I was totally devastated. I was literally falling apart."

"I didn't know any other mothers whose son was gay.

"I had nowhere to go to for advice. I was basically just left on my own to get on with it."

Ms Falconer added:

"That was the reason I started doing the research. The mothers I talked to were all brilliant, and they were very, very glad to talk to me.

"When I interviewed them, I found that every one of them had gone through something similar to what I had."

Mrs Falconer has now devised a 'coping strategy' model as a result of her research.

Dr Mary Jenkins, supervisor at the University's Magee campus, applauds the Ulster woman's initiative.

Dr Jenkins said: "There is almost nothing in print on this subject in Northern Ireland.

"Cathy had no local research resources to call on when she went out to conduct her interviews.

"Most of the background texts for the topic derives from outside, often from America. This piece of work is breaking new ground."

Ms Falconer said many mothers had been forced to confront their own often erroneous impressions about gay people, wondering how family and friends would react, worrying about their sons' health and future happiness and how society would perceive them.

She said: "Education and support must play a vital role in alleviating concern, instilling confidence in families and ending ignorance that haunts the question of people with a gay lifestyle."

Ms Falconer has now come up with a new model STAR (search, tolerance, acceptance and readjustment).

"I thought my son's life was over because he was gay. It's not something you necessarily want to celebrate but at the same time it's something I have managed to come to terms with.

"We're on track again and our relationship is probably deeper than ever.

"Because this has happened it makes you stop and wonder what's going on in other peoples' lives and not be quick to judge," Ms Falconer said.