Another pathetic nice guy tragedy!!

talla

As a follow up to my post here , I received even more nasty news from the same person this weekend. Basically i got a text out of the blue from her saying she had started seeing someone else.

Now I could understand if it was some sort of revenge thing if I had called it a day with her, but I didn't. she just sent me an email and a couple of texts to me and said it wasn't working out and wouldn't take any calls or meet face to face. (for god sake we are both 27, this is something teenagers would do.)I just accepted her decision and I had no heart left to fight for her. I went through a lot in this 3 year relationship putting up with both physical and mental abuse from her. I've gotten hidings from her brother when trying to protect her from him, hes a total pysco. From constant breakups etc., she was a real attention seeker(it had all to do with her family situation and things that happened when she was younger and still up to this present day). I helped raise her child for 3 years to the extent i considered him to be my child and he considered me to be his father(hes 4 now). but what she said on saturday has really cut deep. i didn't need to hear that. i was taking each day one at a time, but how could anyone show so little respect for someone after 3 years?

i'm really close to cracking up at the moment, we've a huge dealine in work and i can't concentrate. i've been close to tears all day. i know the typical response from peoplew will be to go out get hammered and have a few one night stands but thats not me, i've never been that type of bloke(apart from the getting hammered bit ) its not a question of wanting to get back with her, i could never do that now. I just don't know what to do at the moment.
I know i sound like some pathetic emotional wreck but thanks for taking the time to read this.

ferdi

i feel fo you man, that sonds like a rough situation.

how do feel towards this girl?

from your post it sounds like you did right by her all along and then she throws it all back in your face by treating you like sheit.

this is a fudged up world, crazy women:(

edit/ women know they can control and minipulate men and some of they really use this to screw men over. do you think you were taken for a ride(and not in a good way)?

Zombrex

she is looking for attention and a reaction from you. normal people don't txt their ex to say they have shacked up with someone new. She probably feels guilty about how she treated you but instead of being able to apologise, she is directing the guilt into aggression towards you. She is angry towards you because you are the reason she feels guilty, even though you actually haven't done anything.

my advise ... text her back asking why in the world does she think you would care. then tell her she is a mean cowardly nasty piece of work and that you want to have nothing to do with her, so would she please leave you alone and stop sending pathetic texts. tell her to move on with her life and stop texting you everytime she gets laid, you don't care.

you will feel a lot better

dub45

Originally posted by talla
As a follow up to my post [URL=http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?.........

I know i sound like some pathetic emotional wreck but thanks for taking the time to read this.

Well first of all you are entitled to feel pretty bad and its important that you allow yourself to do so and that you not be hard on yourself. You are not a pathetic emotional wreck you are someone who has been hurt a great deal and theres nothing pathetic about reacting to that - its much healthier in the long run to allow yourself to feel 'bad' and sort it out.

It sounds to me as if it would be good for you to seek some help from a counsellor. You say you are under a lot of pressure in work and its hard to concentrate at least having a focused outlet for dealing with the break up of the relationship and the fall out from it might help to bring a bit of order to your life and maybe help with the additional stress of work.

silverside

that wasnt a very nice thing for her to do (I started to say something worse about her but edited it out). Some people will treat you like ****, there is nothing in the world you can do to change a person.

Don't give her the satisfaction of responding to her, just ignore her, go out on the piss with your mates and bitch about her, try and get some time off work and go away for a few days, clear your head, it will get easier with time. It must be hard when you have put a lot of effort into the relationship with her and her son, but try to draw a line under it and move on.

I've no magic formula but i've sympathy for you.

TOMSIE

Sorry to hear about your bad news, she obviously doesnt deserve anymore of your time. so i would just like to repeat the advice of the other post and mabeye see a councillor or a psycholoalist it was the best decision i ever made to go to one and i cherrish the bad times that forced me to go to one.

Also mabeye keep a diary write out all your anger depression loss hate youll feel better and mabeye you could keep this up as a daily thing.

From talking to psychologists i have found out that negative events like youres can trigger diseases did for me that combined with work stress so try anything that gets rid of the emontions.

Just one small bit of advice i found that i went swimming and to a steam room i got rid of work stress and i forgot about all my problems i think it helps being in a different element wish i could of being of more help.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by talla
I know i sound like some pathetic emotional wreck but thanks for taking the time to read this.

look
sh!t happens, sometimes without rhyme or reason. Most of us have been there. I have a couple of t-shirts meself.
You are going to feel like total crap for the next 3/6 months depending on yourself. It took me 6 months last time. You can't eat, your stomach feels sick, your head feels like it could explode at any minute. Accept that you are going to feel that way and decide right now that you will just take each day one at a time. Be especially nice to yourself, take up something you like to do and force yourself to do it. Yes, do go out with your mates and get hammered. If you have a friend living in another country, go visit!
Know also, that this feeling you have will go away, you just have to ride it out.
My one other piece of advice is, keep away from her, she sounds like a head melter and you are so better off without that kind of crap. Have no contact with her whatsoever. If you do stay in contact with her, you will prolong the ‘getting over her’ phase. Who needs that?!
Count yourself lucky to be out of it and know that you will find someone who will treat you better in the future.
take care
a

vibe666

i doubt there's anyone here who hasn't been shit on from a great height at some point in their lives. nobody can hurt you as much as the people you love. some people just don't know how to deal with complex emotions. even nice people make a mess of it sometimes.

i was going through a breakup of a very similar sort to your own, and we'd been getting on pretty well, and had slept together occasionally since the breakup, still friends too which was good, and it was kind of getting to the point where we were almost going to get back together.

then the morning after one of these encounters she leaves a note under my windscreen which she left there on her way home in the morning from spending the night with some bloke she knew. nothing about what had happened but she told me on the phone the next day when i called her she left it there on her way home in the morning, followed by this long silence waiting for me to respond.

people can be cruel.

the good news is, you will get over it. it takes time, and not much else, but it will take quite a while. it took me 2 years to get over that one, and another year to find someone i wanted to be with, but it's all a journey and you'll be a better person for it when you come out the other side.

Sleepy

talla, what wicknight says about her using agression to cover the guilt sounds very familiar. To my shame, I've done that in relationships in the past. Sending the text is a cry for attention but, from what you've posted, going back to her would be a massive mistake and I think you know that yourself.

If you're finding it that hard to concentrate in work, my advice would be to take a wednesday or thursday when it's a nice day off work (ring in sick if you have to) and just spend the day being nice to yourself: go for a swim, buy yourself a new shirt/DVD/CD, take a walk around St. Stephens Green/Phoenix Park, whatever floats your boat. Sure, go get hammered with your mates but just taking a day out for yourself at times can be as beneficial as going to a psychiatrist.

talla

Thanks for thr replies, to answer a couple of questions: I do still care for this person and maybe would even go as far to say love her but as I said after whats been and said and done in the last month, there is no way I could ever even have the stomach to look at this person, yet alone trust them again. And there is now ay my mates would let me. The diary sounds like a good idea, i might consider that. As for counseliing, been there and done that 3 years ago to get over my dads death, it doesn't appeal to me whatsoever. I find I run out of things to say, they try and bring you off on topics that you have no intrest or need in talking and find them to be a money racket and people become over dependent on them and use them as an emotional crutch(this is just my personal experience, I tried 3 before I gave up and decided to kop on and move on with my life).

I did let this person walk over me for too long and when I did stand up to her she got nasty. I know its just a question of keeing busy, moaning and bitching about her to your mates etc., its just the times at night where you play over in your head the last 3 years and ask yourself why. Anyway, thanks again for the reply. At the moment I can't see myself keeping in touch, I might ring o2 and see how easy it is to get my mobile number changed, god knows going to be fired at me next. Unfortunately I can't take time off work, not even a day until the end of May roughly.

Sleepy

Talla, it's called a sicky, sounds like you deserve one to me

The Corinthian

I would agree with Wicknight for the most part, but would not say anything in any return text about her being a “a mean cowardly nasty piece” as it would tend to invalidate the bit about you not caring.

Send her the following text then get on with your life:

“Thank you for the update, I shall alert the press to your changing situation”

Quigs Snr

Been there talla, still there at times in fact. Went through something very similar recently, and felt like I was falling apart, just about held it together in the end. But getting better. As outlined above, there is no magic wand, nothing people can say or do to make you feel better right now. Sorry. But in the weeks and months to come you will come to realise that the advice you have given, and in particular from Beruthial is spot on. It doesn't feel that way now, but I am in the moving on stage now myself, doing the things Beruthial suggested, have spent a lot of time re-accquainting myself with my friends (after 7 years I had neglected them somewhat), womanising (didn't have the heart for that at first, but now I see it as harmless fun, I'm sure that will wear off soon and it's only a phase, but right now it's fun and does wonders for the old battered ego which is inevitable when you get ditched), I am also taking trips away to visit friends abroad. In the early days I did a lot to my new house to use up my time productivley, took up cycling again and focussed on my soccer team for a while, now I have joined a gym again. Basically, doing the things that make me feel good even on off days when you get down, just forcing yourself to do it. Buying yourself nice things, I swear it has done wonders, you could say I am back to normal now and really enjoying life. Sure it does hurt to see the lying cheating bitch around the place with the slaphead /mr potatoe body double she left me for and still thinks I don't know about, but you know what, the way I see it now, shes missing out, she lowered herself, not me, I can walk tall head held high. I don't even think about her really these days. Life is good and you will realise it soon if you start doing the things that make you happy. Hard to do because when you are down you tend to wallow in your misery and almost will yourself to be miserable.

Oh yeah, and don't send her any nasty texts back, (watch yourself with a few drinks in you, cos you'll be tempted, leave the phone at home) I think you have the moral high ground here, small consolation that it is. Do not lower yourself. I had one contact attempt from the weasel I wasted so many years on and politely made it clear I would be expecting no more contact attempts ever, without losing it. Getting into a slanging match, no matter how deserved only makes you as bad as them, it makes it easier for them to justify what they did to you in the end and makes them feel better about themselves. Don't do it.

Lainey

“Thank you for the update, I shall alert the press to your changing situation”


lol.. very good.. its just the crappiest feeling ever but it will go too.. you need to distance yourself and move on.. very easy to say not to do i know, but you have your friends so yr lucky in that way.. sometimes not answering back at all is good idea. we tried this once when my bro ex was constantly texting him with her update on new men and found it infuriated her that you wouldn't talk.. on the changing of your number.. 20 euro.. new sim,, end of problem

talla

Ok cheers for the asvice everybody, i feel a bit better about myself today.

misswex

Hey glad your feeling better today Talla!!

Nothing really to add, think everybody has covered it pretty well!! On the texting thing, I think you can get her number blocked, it would probably be less hassle then changing your number!!

Good luck with it all, it will pass and you will find someone much better!!!

savemejebus

Hey Talla,

you seem to have gotten really good advice from everyone here so not much i can say except don't change your number for her, that's just giving yourself extra hassle telling new people etc., don't give her the satisfaction - just contact 02 and get them to block her number, and delete it from your phone book, then you can't contact her even if you want to

talla

Its a contract phone, so not so easy buying a new sim card. I won't be replying to her because as people have said, she will she she has got to me. I had already deleted her number previously, but its one of them numbers you can't forget. Also as far as I know, I think i remember reading this on the mobile forum last year sometime, you can someones number from calling you, but I don't think you can bar them from texting you. Someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

savemejebus

not sure, a friend of mine on meteor had a similar problem with an ex and he got all contact from her cut off, took a few weeks though and he had to send actual letters (not emails) - worth a shot though

Lainey

its crap.. do you think she will text again if you ignore her??????? i hate when i'm drunk cos you text people you have even deleted cos you remember the number..

dam0cles

From what you have said about her childhood and family background she sounds like a little bag of broken glass. No matter how hard you tried and how well you treated her, you would never have been able to change what and where she came from. It's her background that has taught her what to do in conflicts and that's to inflict as much damage as she can, and for as long as she can. She can't accept that you don't have a bitter angry streak, because everyone close to her does, and she's trying to draw it out of you. Walk away.

Keep it together in work, try and relax and let it take over, sometimes all the adrenaline driven energy can be put to good use.

Lainey

Originally posted by dam0cles
From what you have said about her childhood and family background she sounds like a little bag of broken glass. No matter how hard you tried and how well you treated her, you would never have been able to change what and where she came from. It's her background that has taught her what to do in conflicts and that's to inflict as much damage as she can, and for as long as she can. She can't accept that you don't have a bitter angry streak, because everyone close to her does, and she's trying to draw it out of you. Walk away.

Keep it together in work, try and relax and let it take over, sometimes all the adrenaline driven energy can be put to good use.

you are indeed a cool newbie.. very sound advice

talla

Originally posted by dam0cles
From what you have said about her childhood and family background she sounds like a little bag of broken glass. No matter how hard you tried and how well you treated her, you would never have been able to change what and where she came from. It's her background that has taught her what to do in conflicts and that's to inflict as much damage as she can, and for as long as she can. She can't accept that you don't have a bitter angry streak, because everyone close to her does, and she's trying to draw it out of you. Walk away.

Keep it together in work, try and relax and let it take over, sometimes all the adrenaline driven energy can be put to good use.

Damocles, i think you summed her up almost perfectly there.

Unpossible

I feel sorry for you talla, I suppose the only thing you can do is try to put it behind you. Continue with life try to move on, it will take a long time & it will be hard but you will heal. Someday (hopefully soon) you will find somebody else thats right for you, just don't let what happened taint your views on relationships/women causing you to become a b**t**d to the next woman that comes along

Stay strong

dub45

Originally posted by talla
Damocles, i think you summed her up almost perfectly there.

Book I read a while ago described such people as 'crazymakers'!

Havelock

Talla, hope you feel better.

talla

Still on a rollercoaster of emotions. I had a word with my boss this morning and explained the situation to her. She was cool about it, offered me some time off, but I turned it down cause it would be worse at home on my own. She took some of my workload off me and spread it out amongst the rest of the team, so thats a bit of pressure off me. I sat down last night and started a mini diary which i'll try and use to vent the hurt and anger. I also set myself some short and long term goals for myself to work to keep myself busy. Again thanks everyone for all the advice and word of comfort.

Macseamusa

i dont have much to offer in terms of adivce, but why not go on a short weekend break to say, scotland or anywhere out of ireland. grab a few good mates go on the break, loose urself over there( not just geting totally pissed but just relaxing and doing nothing)
ull come back home feeling more relax and ull be able to cope better with whatever happens next.

Red Alert

your boss sounds kinda cool i have to say. it really does suck now i know - i've been there done that. i basically had to move on a few years ago and i didn't see that the only way was to leave that relationship behind for once and for all. i felt terrible and didn't have all that much interest in anybody else. there's light at the end of the tunnel, try n go out a lot - even if you don't try scoring or anything, it'll just generally keep your spirits up.

take care,
R_A_

Typedef

From the sounds of it, it pretty much sounds like a blessing that this chick has called it off.

Constant breakups, constant abuse all centered around attention seeking you say?

And then she says she's breaking up and seeing somebody else?

I'd be throwing a party if I was you.

For you it's more the shock of it... the regret you didn't get in there first and the prospect of less regular sex, that's getting to you... also, the nagging suspicion that you should have been spending the last two months sorting yourself out with another chick, then any sort of real regret, at getting out of this particular situation.

Mighty_Mouse

To be honest I've seen a couple of these threads. Its an exercise in whinging and self-pity. Thats probably why you can't pull. If you get a little confidence and not be so worried about why being so nice and all you don't pull you might have some chance.

savemejebus

Mighty_Mouse you are way out of line, if you bother to take the time and read this thread, and the explanation in the other thread you would see that. talla didn't deserve to have this happen, and he's not complaining about being unable to pull, he's complaining about a spiteful bitch

dub45

Originally posted by savemejebus
Mighty_Mouse you are way out of line, if you bother to take the time and read this thread, and the explanation in the other thread you would see that. talla didn't deserve to have this happen, and he's not complaining about being unable to pull, he's complaining about a spiteful bitch

Not alone that but hes suffering huge hurt and loss, in this case not alone of a person he was close to but of a child that he helped raise.

No one chooses to feel this way! Its thrust upon us all sooner or later unfortunately

Beruthiel

Mighty_Mouse
if you are going to make a negative comment like that, the very least you can do is acturally read the mans comments to start with.
He has every right to feel the way he does, and he also has every right to post a thread up here so he can get it off his chest. This is what the PI forum is all about.
B

talla

Mighty_Mouse,
Where have I once complained in any of my posts about not pulling? The title of the thread was a tongue in cheek reference to the other thread on PI at the moment regarding "Nice Guys". This thread was not about self pity or looking for attention. I was looking for peoples opinion and advice. I thought puting my thoughts down in words was a lot better than walking around like a cold bastard pretending I don't have a care in the world and burying everything deep inside until one day it all explodes and you have a breakdown. I've been down that road before with the death of my father and I wasn't willing to go down that road again. If you have any specific problems with my post, read it then point it out to me and i will comment. But don't try and dare judge my frame of mind or anything about me or my persona without actually taking the time to read my post.

dub45

I think that talla and others who post in similar situations probably generate a lot of good advice for people with problems who choose not to post for whatever reason and thats a good thing in itself and should not be forgotten.

Intemperate posts dont help anyone and may in fact do quite the reverse. Theres a simple answer of course if the reader does not like the post or the thread all they have to do is stop reading.

jesus_thats_gre

Once ya know it was her problems that brought the relationship to and end.. At least you can go on with life not wondering did you do something to **** it up or cause her to go off you. Just carry on sulking over loosing her for a few more weeks and you will be grand..

Its important to realise that everyone gets burned someway over their life. Its not nice feeling betrayed or wondering was there any point in all the effort you gave towards her. Just realise than when you eventually pull through it you will be better off.

Mind you, you have had a harder run than most.

As for the message. She is trying to make you jealous or get a reaction. Don't ignore the messages or rise to them either. A polite reply that gives the impression you are realising that you are better off without her.