exclusion

LegacyUser

I'm a very quite person when with people I don't know too well...so basically I'm always quiet. In college, I used to go online at lunch time while the rest of me peers went to the canteen. This year, the group has been smaller, so I've started going to the canteen aswell...but I can't eat in front of them, I just sit and listen to them rattling off crap about their work and their weekends, I only partake in the conversation when asked stuff, I wouldn't start anything.

I feel excluded. They talk about where they went at the weekend, what they did, what they drunk. I don't go out because I don't drink. Well, I say because I don't drink, but it's other things too like I wouldn't know where to go, what to do when I get there, and it'd be a hassle to try and get there in the first place, and to get home again.

I tell myself that I don't want to do the things they're doing, but in a way I kinda do. I want to be a "typical" student and go out and get rat-arsed at every possible chance....but I'm scared...I fear I'd be in the way if I went out with them.

A girl in the group, her 21st is comming up and she's invited everyone since the group is so small. She gave out the invites last week. She asked me today, in passing, if I was going to go...and I froze...I couldn't think of how to answer her...what excuse to make up to get out of it...so I just said "dunno" and she went back to talking with the bloke she was with. I feel like such an asshole for the answer.

Next year the group will be back to normal, and it'll be back to me sitting at a computer while everyone else goes to the canteen.

I've never ever been out socially with them, and I feel like such a ****ing eejit when asked "what did you do at the weekend" only to answer "nothing" everytime.

koneko

Sounds like this 21st is the perfect chance to go out with them and get to know them a bit. If it goes well, you could make it a regular thing.

Try not to think about these things too much. If they really didn't want you there, they wouldn't have invited you and she wouldn't have asked if you're going. It'll be a laugh. What have you got to lose?

Kersh

Koneko is right. They would not have invited you if they thought you were a serial killer. Go to the party, get her a card, and hey presto, an introduction, and an excuse to say hi. Sit with the group and pick up on a conversation you can contribute to, and start talking. Buy a round of drinks, that will help too. But go to the party.

misswex

I'm with the guys on this one:

Seems like you just need to head out with them, this party seems perfect so you should definitely go!! I know it will probably be hard for you to get the courage to do so but once you've got over the fear of it, you will see that you actually had nothing to fear at all

Good luck with it all

Red Alert

Yes go to the party, it's the only way.

HarryD

Yeah go to the party.
Maybe try a few drinks ?
I find if I'm a bit nervous about the company I'm with a few beers sorts it out.
The aul tongue starts to loosen up and the aul thoughts begin to flow.
Great for socialising.. yer never stuck with nothing to say

Although don't get hammered ;-)

gerkiely

Get a grip. Its only a party. If you relax about going you will be fine

blondie83

I'm a very quiet person too tedrick, but I find going out with people is a great way to get to know them, cos a fter a few drinks you will really start to relax and chat to people. Don't be worried about getting drunk, because if you are, the chances are everyone else is too! I know this party must seem like a huge thing if you never go out, and don't really know the bunch, but honestly I think that if you go you will be glad you did. 21st parties are generally a lot of fun, and you will be chatting one to one with a lot of people, which is a lot easier than speaking out in a crowd. Like someone else said, the best thing to do is to buy a round as soon as you get there. Then just pull up a seat beside someone, and either join in, or strike up a conversation with them. Ask them about what they're drinking, or tell them that you don't normally drink, and ask their advice on what they think you should get - that sort of thing. Hope you go, and have a good time!:D

dam0cles

the second poster hit the nail on the head, you are thinking about these things too much. what you have to ponder, consider and reconsider, they just do. it's not a failing, it's just the way you are. there are possibly some confidence issues at play too, which is something you will have to work on yourself.

there is no quick-fix.

go to the party, but only if you feel comfortable doing so. if you force yourself to go, and it goes badly due to you being tense and feeling out of your depth, which is very possible, then you will feel worse and it could set you back further. don't use alcohol as a crutch, because that's a downward spiral and whenever you are without alcohol you'll feel like clark kent without the superman suit. by all means have two drinks or so, since you don't drink much, any more is probably risky. it's very easy to go too far when you aren't used to it, and should you do so, and then something makes you uncomfortable with the surroundings, you could freak altogether.

consider going to the party for an hour or two, say some hellos, give the birthday girl a card or a present, when she's sober enough to remember, have two drinks and chill out for a while and then leave. ease yourself into it, you'll see that it's not nearly as hard as you think.

when you are at the same events, even for two or three hours, as the rest of the group are, you'll be more involved in the conversation without even trying. you'll know what and who they are talking about, despite not being there when things get messy, and will be able to see what's funny about what they are discussing, etc.

don't be afraid to say your two cents, though it may take a while for you to get the confidence. just believe that what you have to say is interesting, i'm sure you know people that have nothing whatsoever worthwhile to say, yet can barely keep their mouth shut.

it can and will take time for you to get further integrated into the group because you'll find that at certain levels it's almost political and everyone plays a certain role. you have been playing the role you currently fill for a while and it will take time for people to see you in a different light. the whole process is gradual.

also, don't feel that wanting to spend time on your own is weird or subversive behaviour, some people are more suited to it than others, it's perfectly normal. don't neglect to follow interests that you have, even if they are solitary activities, and this will almost inevitably lead you into contact with like-minded individuals.

BrianD3

Sounds like you could have Social Phobia aka Social Anxiety Disorder aka Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have a bit of this myself. It sucks. Do a google search for "social phobia" to learn more. I haven't time to post more on this right now, I'll try to get back to this thread some other time and post some more.

BrianD3

Kersh

And dont forget, let us know how you get on, If you go, and you should, even just to hand over that card.;)