Constructive Advice wanted :P

ronano

Again i wish to use and abuse you fine people of boards.ie for advice on my current situation.

I've got few friends (4, which is how i like it to be honest) but alas one of my closest friends moved to the uk a few days ago. I could ring him up and within minutes be doing something where as with the others i always have to arrange the day before. It was handy because there is alot of friction within my household and it was handy for just getting out for a few hours. There is also the fact that i have no true drive to see my other friends or even my close friend i've only ever used them as a means to an end or relieving stress ( i realise that is mean but hey i'm honest).

I also move next thursday to a new house which is 40 miles from the city centre, which sucks obviously. One of my friends move back to Belfast in a month as well. My idea was to either go and live with a guy i know in brazil for a few months or get a job and move out. I am prone to social anxiety and depression so the whole distant thing kinda messes my head up a bit.


Any tips on keeping my head above water/future etc ?

ya i know i sound like an emo bitch

martarg

Hmm, so if I understand your problem correctly, half of your friends are moving away from you, and you are moving away from the other half... I don't know whether moving with this guy in Brazil would be a good idea or not, that depends on how well you know him and whether you really want to do that.... same as regards looking for a job and moving out, although that seems a lot less drastic....

But I think that in order to keep your head above water, now and in the future, you ought to start by revising your notions of friendship. If your friends were there just for you to relieve stress, either you need to find true friends, or stop looking at them that way. I have a long experience of friends vs. social life pals, and the social life pals who use friendship as a means to an end usually end up on their own... perhaps it is a matter of age (I cannot say I thought about any of this in my early twenties), or perhaps it is those other problems that you have... Everyone "uses" their friends at certain times up to some extent, but that is OK as long as that is not the only virtue you see in them, and as long as you are just as ready to be used by them....

Well, summing up, I think the real problem to sort out is that anxiety/depression/household friction, but I have not enough information to advise you on that... part B is, work very hard not to lose contact with any of your friends, try to see those who still live close to you even if you don't feel the drive, and call/write/visit the others once in a while...

Beruthiel

unfortunately, this is just part of life, people get older, move to other countries, get married, have babies, change their life style, whatever – all you can do, is get out there, perhaps go to the boards beers, poker nights, pool nights, make new friends, find an interest which takes up your time and perhaps helps you to meet new people - widen you social base so that you can save yourself from being in a position were by you loose one friend and it leaves you stranded. I’m afraid that it’s a hard fact of life that it constantly changes and things happen.
good luck

Zulu

I use to think that I only had a few (handful) of friends, and a load of acquaintances.
This was due to the fact that I moved as a child and was basically in 3 different social groups.

Then I realised that there is very little difference between an acquaintance and a close friend. It's all about your perception of them. Maybe I'm slightly confused. Maybe I'm very lucky. Maybe it's a little from A and a little from B.

Point is - that you should take your acquaintances into your confidence, give them a chance. You never know - maybe your new best friend is just a "drinking buddy". If you look at your buddies as objects with a set defined purpose, your missing the point.

ronano

Originally posted by martarg
Hmm, so if I understand your problem correctly, half of your friends are moving away from you, and you are moving away from the other half... I don't know whether moving with this guy in Brazil would be a good idea or not, that depends on how well you know him and whether you really want to do that.... same as regards looking for a job and moving out, although that seems a lot less drastic....

But I think that in order to keep your head above water, now and in the future, you ought to start by revising your notions of friendship. If your friends were there just for you to relieve stress, either you need to find true friends, or stop looking at them that way. I have a long experience of friends vs. social life pals, and the social life pals who use friendship as a means to an end usually end up on their own... perhaps it is a matter of age (I cannot say I thought about any of this in my early twenties), or perhaps it is those other problems that you have... Everyone "uses" their friends at certain times up to some extent, but that is OK as long as that is not the only virtue you see in them, and as long as you are just as ready to be used by them....

Well, summing up, I think the real problem to sort out is that anxiety/depression/household friction, but I have not enough information to advise you on that... part B is, work very hard not to lose contact with any of your friends, try to see those who still live close to you even if you don't feel the drive, and call/write/visit the others once in a while...

I've also realised that were i live now none of my friends live in the area so the onyl real problem with moving is that it will take longer to get into the city. My whole life i've lacked a want or drive and i've never wanted anything, that sounds weird i know but i'm just as happy now as i would be in brazil or moving out(well moving out is to reduce stress) just those two options would be more interesting. The guy i know in brazil is a decent guy and it would be funtimes and i've always had a thing about brazi/wales so i'd enjoy it. I care about my friends and they're good people however you can only talk so much to someone until it either gets boring and i've also got the feeling that i don't truly care about alot of their lives. I don't know how to change this and in part i think i have ti like that so i can retain control of myself. I don't want or think you can truly control people so i try and control the situation/my ability to give to others and i s'pose using them as 'toys' is my way of doing it. The whole anxiety/depression whatever i'm gonna try and get sorted out once again. My real problem is my lack of drive and caring about my future i think.

Originally posted by Beruthiel
unfortunately, this is just part of life, people get older, move to other countries, get married, have babies, change their life style, whatever – all you can do, is get out there, perhaps go to the boards beers, poker nights, pool nights, make new friends, find an interest which takes up your time and perhaps helps you to meet new people - widen you social base so that you can save yourself from being in a position were by you loose one friend and it leaves you stranded. I’m afraid that it’s a hard fact of life that it constantly changes and things happen.
good luck

I may have neglected to mention that my friends both return within 6 months so it's not a drastic change just a temp situation. I know i should of got proactive months ago and broaden my social interaction with people and there are 3/4 ppl that genuinely want to be my friend but i've rebuttled them.

Originally posted by Zulu
I use to think that I only had a few (handful) of friends, and a load of acquaintances.
This was due to the fact that I moved as a child and was basically in 3 different social groups.

Then I realised that there is very little difference between an acquaintance and a close friend. It's all about your perception of them. Maybe I'm slightly confused. Maybe I'm very lucky. Maybe it's a little from A and a little from B.

Point is - that you should take your acquaintances into your confidence, give them a chance. You never know - maybe your new best friend is just a "drinking buddy". If you look at your buddies as objects with a set defined purpose, your missing the point.

To me there is a wholesale difference between friend and acquaintance, i will take a few acquaintance into ym confidence as a test to see what happens. I am friends with this girl and it took me over a 18 months of knowing her and seeing her every week to finally call her a 'friend'. Thanks guys, i needed to air/write my problems with some objective as possible tips so thank you

martarg

I care about my friends and they're good people however you can only talk so much to someone until it either gets boring and i've also got the feeling that i don't truly care about alot of their lives. I don't know how to change this and in part i think i have ti like that so i can retain control of myself. I don't want or think you can truly control people so i try and control the situation/my ability to give to others and i s'pose using them as 'toys' is my way of doing it. The whole anxiety/depression whatever i'm gonna try and get sorted out once again. My real problem is my lack of drive and caring about my future i think.

Well, lack of drive and general apathy sound a lot like depression... perhaps if you take care of that, and also try to stop worrying about control, things will get easier... it is not that you cannot control people, but rather that you don't even have to.... if you give yourself, the people who are at all worthy of calling themselves your friends, will give themselves to you. With a little good will, things tend to happen naturally... I suspect that the reason why you find that talking to your friends gets boring after a while, is precisely that you don't care about their lives, and that is what sets friends apart from acquaintances. However, I think that once you have solved the root problem with stress and perhaps depression, you might take a whole different approach, and find that you never get tired of them... there may be times when you feel like being alone, and times when there isn't a great deal to talk about, but that has nothing to do with the relationship itself...