outpour

RantAnyone

Here is my story

A number of months ago I broke up with my long term girlfriend. I felt that the relationship had run its course, that we had grown apart, changed all the usual and most importantly I felt i didn't love her anymore.

Now here is the thing, in the latter part of the relationship I was typically uncertain of my emotions, never exactly sure of how i feel and sometimes unwilling to commit to statements of love, perhaps my subconcsious telling me what I didn't already know.

Carrying on, the circumstances of the break up are something that I am not proud but nor will I not admit to what I did. the night before we broke up we attended our work christmas party and she was sick and had to come home. I basically came into the party already drunk and perhaps harbouring some animosity for her and refused to walk her the bus stop although she was sick and it was raining.

The next day I went up to her house and while she was some what sick i made the decision to break up with her and as a result broke her heart and is done in a number of these situations agreed to be friends. This decision may have been rash at the time, but i had spoken to a good friend of mine a week or two previously and I dropped in on another friend before I went up to her house.

For a number of months I was happy with my decision. I was very busy with college in the term after christmas and was looking forward to finishing as this is my final year and I have no plans at the moment for when I finish which is exactly what I want.

Over the course of those months myself and herself met up a number of times due to a large number of events for mutual friends which we have. I was uncivil at these events, indifferent and generally a bit of a wanker, perhaps as I didn't want to give any impression that I had changed my mind or to lead her on.

Despite how I have outlined myself above I wasn't deliberately trying to hurt her and I suppose I was dealing with it in my own way and as a result that is what transpired. Time passed the term passed and I was busy with college and work, we met up once or twice, for the cinema or a drink as friends. My behaviour at these outings was not much different then how i had prevously if at all. I was glad when they where over and I could head home or move on for the night.

About a month ago I learned through a number of circumstances associated with her job she was going out on a date with some body. A some what older guy as it turns out that is in the same line of work as her. I can't say I was particularly happy for her nor unhappy for her. What I was happy about was myself I didn't mind about this date, or that she was going out with this other guy and I thought this boded well for me even though I had not been off with other people. Also typing this i recall a time she mentioned she had been off in sligo and she may have been with a random guy but it didn't happen and I don't think that particularly bothered me either way. As I mentioned I was happy about these things.

Subsequent to her date I agreed to met up for a couple of drinks after work one evening. Her I learned about her date which again didn't bother to me I don't think, I did however learn that quite quickly before we even reached the pub that she had met a random guy in town one evening. This bothered me immensely due to insecurities I have about my looks and as she is quite attractive and how I don't think I could compete with that in a nightclub scene.

I believe that this thread will be full of cliches by the end if not already and that it has/is/will be the story of a thousand other men but who am I to break from tradition. I digress with my out pour and shall continue.

As I mentioned this bothered me for the reasons i have highlighted above, which may not seem completely clear but that is ok as they are not completely clear to me either but suffice it to say, deep insecurities.

So as this situation is happening, my final exams are also approaching rapidly and commence soon enough. My state of mind around exams each year is always similar, that is highly stressed. As you do each year I have left the study later and later however my marks are quite high, i have always seemed to get away with it but I do put pressure on myself to keep them at this standard as i want to obtain a first class honour which is looking unlikely, now i say this ever year but i will of course get my comeuppences and perhaps it will be this year.

Anyway with the pressure of the exams and such I felt the issues with my prior relationship also on me. Thoughts of exams, this random guy she met and her date and such weighed on my mind and the doubts began to creep in, i will elaborate on this in due course

Aha you say he finally gets to the point, he now thinks he wants her back, but its really only because shes getting on with things and maybe will go out with this other guy that now he may want her back, i say to this perhaps, perhaps not, if you recall i had no issues with the date originally and was happy with this. then you say its the exams the pressures of these makes you long for that which is comfortable for you which is your ex girlfriend who has been around for previous exams and got you through and again i say perhaps, perhaps not.

Or that you only long for now what you can't have, as soon as you realise you can't have her is when you want her back, perhaps, or that now that you realised you can't have her and that one of us has been off with some else means that only now will you begin to get over her. it is perhaps not normal when you break up someone from a 4 year relationship and when you get the bus home you pop into xtra-vision to pick up a film. so perhaps i didn't get over her and it is only beginning now.

It could be any combination of these things and one other thing which i think is a major contributor. Some of my issues with the relationship may have been that I had too much control in it. That it started out with two strong willed determined people but i broke her down and near the end she could be considered weak and I don't find that attractive in a person. So now that she has gotten over me (and to a large extent i believe she has) she is happier in herself, happier then she has been in a long time and she is once again strong and as a result i find her attractive again, attracted to the person she once was perhaps.

I spoke to her at length on the phone during the week as I was having a bad day and the next day she came down and we had food, well she had food i felt generally sick. She was somewhat pissed at me for confusing her when she is happy as you can imagine, but she typically makes things better when she is around.

I learned she had another date with this guy the day after with met up. I now had issues with this and also due to the fact that she may actually like this guy and before i dropped off to sleep I had thoughts that she could be off kissing this guy now while i was just lying there, thoughts like that generally mess me up.

We arranged to go out last night anyway and popped into the cinema, after which we went for literally a couple of drinks. I was enjoying her company for perhaps the first time in a long time and was openly flirtascious and brought in a cd i had made up for her to just generally show my appreciation for her being there for me. One thing lead to another and towards the end of the evening we ended up kissing and such, after a while we headed of home, our own homes that is.

That leaves me at today, in which we have been in communication and to which i recieved a lengthy email from her and we spoke on the phone. While she will admit a physical attraction to me, she doesn't wish to engage in anything else. I would not jump either at the thought of getting back with her as i wouldn't want to do anything rash and despite it not looking like this i wouldn't want to break her heart again but i would be willing to just see how things go. she is however somewhat interested in this other guy and her heart is telling her that i would be a mistake and that she doesn't like me in that way anymore. she also believes i will be fine after my exams and i'll just move on with my life then all i which i think is possible. however as it stands i am somewhat messed up by this and i am sitting hear typing and not studying close to the eve of my exams.

If you have taken the time to get through this it is appreciated as i had hoped this would serve to crystallise my thoughts by putting them into writing. comments will also be appreciated as long as its not along the lines of, get over it, pull yourself together or get the finger out.

RantAnyone

yawnstretch

Thanks for the Outpour - its refreshing to see someone get their thoughts out like this. I'm in slightly similar moment in my life - I too am about to do my finals (always get away with doing nothing and am fearful of not pulling it off on the final lap).

Anyway, I was in a 2 year long relationship up until Christmas too and although Ive had longer relationships this one meant the world to me. Anyway it ended horribly (for me) and 4 months later I still get depressed by it. She still sends me texts and its quite possible she regrets the way things worked out (she moved to Austria) but I havent forgiven her and I don't trust her even though she invites me over there all the time and has shown some care over the last while.

I dont seem to find anyone attractive since her and that coupled with the complete uncertainty of the next few years worries me both daily and nightly.

theres more to tell but I think this thread belongs to you! Anyway - just wanted to say thanks for your post and tell you you're not alone in your pains and stress.

Memnoch

Rant

sounds to me like she still has some feelings for you.. but she's protecting herself, she has to, you really hurt her bad last time around.

My advice may sound one-liner but its simple...

you need to think about what you want from this girl. At the very least i suggest you hold off till after your exams before "attempting" anything. This will ensure that you aren't just using her as a crutch to get through this difficult time.

If you ARE going to go after her again, make sure it is for keeps. This girl sounds like she wants security and commitment. Which the "older" guy in her job hints at. If you think you might just end up breaking her heart again, if there is any chance of this then you have no right.

just let her be happy as she can try to be. She loved you once and perhaps still loves you somewhat. But no one has a right to break someone's heart twice..

the first time you can claim ignorance,
the second time would just be plain greedy and malevolent.

neokenzo

I agree with Memnoch and I do believe most of us have been in that situation one way or the other.

You seem very confused as what you want from her and I think with your exams getting nearer, the pressure has somewhat made you maybe confused? My advice is, and I know its going to be hard, concentrate on your exams now. Try to block her in your thoughts for now. Then after your exams, think it throughly whether you want her back. Even if you do, she may not want you back. You had your chance and that is something you may have to live with.

keu

think your post speaks for itself, you've had a relationship experience and because you choose to look objectivly at it, you can see what you did right or what you didn't do so right, what worked or what didn't work..either way you have something to gain from this "learning experience".

I know it's so cliche, but as the song goes, You don't know what you've got til it's gone...relationships are always so much more appealing when they're over (or non comittal) when we step back we see the things that we might have taken for granted or realise what attracted us to that person in the first place, it just comes from having a new perspective.

So while you at this point of reasoning, consider what might be different next time round (a more mature next relationship) ..your also relatively young and im sure that in ten years time you will look back on this relationship and see it for the experience it was.

focus on your priorities right now and best of luck with your exams.

...btw, it's good to have your own space occasionally, gives us a chance to clean the slate and start fresh.

RantAnyone

Thank you for the replies

Yes i would agree that she is protecting herself, it makes sense. I would like to hold off until after my exams but i wouldn't know what to "attempt" as you say. She seems quite clear about what she wants and I would not beg unless I know for sure it was her that I wanted.

However I feel I can't hold off until after the exams. They stretch over a three week period and due to the prescene of this other guy I feel like i don't have the luxury of time, that she could slip out of what seems to be a very small grip at the moment and like my hand is being forced and I don't want to make a rash decision.

Yes I am worried that I could break her heart again and its something that bothers me. I'm not trying to mess her around or anything this is just the way it has played out.

I am finding it harder to concentrate as the exams approach and this may effect the outcome somewhat. How do people feel about someone defering there exams. It seems like a cop out to me? However I feel i would be in better shape to sit them next year that I would just be dealing with exams. I could start studying earlier and opportunity which i didn't have last year and it would not affect my career as I was taking a year out anyway. The only downside to this is that I would not graduate with my friends which bothers me.

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martarg

I am finding it harder to concentrate as the exams approach and this may effect the outcome somewhat. How do people feel about someone defering there exams. It seems like a cop out to me? However I feel i would be in better shape to sit them next year that I would just be dealing with exams. I could start studying earlier and opportunity which i didn't have last year and it would not affect my career as I was taking a year out anyway. The only downside to this is that I would not graduate with my friends which bothers me.

Well, you don't really know what you will be dealing with this time next year, so I would concentrate on the here and now, and have a go at those exams.... I agree with other people's advice that you should forget about love issues until after exams are over, and then everything will be a lot clearer in your head... she will not be an excuse or a crutch... on the practical side, three weeks is a long time, but you have four years' advantage, or disadvantage as things turned out :dunno: .... perhaps call her once in a while and try to gain time? but I would definitely not let it interfere with study, much less think about giving exams up for something you are not even sure about...

RantAnyone

thats true i don't know what i will be dealing with next year but regardless of how it goes i find it hard to believe i could be in a worse off position then i am now. I have lost both saturday night, yesterday and today to no study.

i spoke to the head of department today and also the person that deals with deferrals. the head of department is a very nice man and will support me regardless of my decision, they don't think i should defer but i couldn't bring myself to study. A weird sort of guilty calm has arisen due to what i think is my decision to defer. I hope i'm making the right decision. but i don't think i could put myself through exams at this moment.

i have also spoken to my ex-girlfriend today she doesn't want me to defer unless i'm sure about it. however i was trying to get her to seperate what she thinks is good for me and what is her guilt due to the fact that our relationship has effected my exams to a certain extent. however i am not trying this as a guilt trip which i hope she knows

keu

I deferred when I was 19, said I would take a year out and go back to my studies after a break.
a year later I gave birth to my daughter. Oh and I havent had the chance to go back full time since (not like I havent tried) although, I think working a full week, parenting and doing night classes for two years wasn't THAT bad.
that was ten years ago.

RantAnyone

well my plan was just to work part time, which i had planned to do anyway next year and take it easy up until christmas and then put my head down at a steady pace.

i don't plan on getting caught up in work or anything like that. i seem to have issues though and think it may be a good idea to talk to the college councillor or something. I'm confused though its a big decision and i don't want to regret it basically i don't know what to do

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Sleepy

"issues" are never a good reason to defer college. What's to say you won't have the same issues next year when exams are approaching? Or new ones altogether? Part of growing up is learning to deal with things, and that includes being able to put them out of your mind temporarily to get on with the important things. To defer the exams is an extremely stupid move imho.

ravenhead

Originally posted by Sleepy
"issues" are never a good reason to defer college. What's to say you won't have the same issues next year when exams are approaching? Or new ones altogether? Part of growing up is learning to deal with things, and that includes being able to put them out of your mind temporarily to get on with the important things. To defer the exams is an extremely stupid move imho.

I would have to agree with Sleepy on this one - It seems that the problem with your ex is just a release for what the real issue is - You're not really ready to deal with you exams & finishing collage!!!You have to think of YOUR future - If it's meant to work out with your ex then it will work out wither you do your exams this year or next.:rolleyes:

RantAnyone

thanks for the replies. i'm studying today anyway and at the moment i'm of a mindset to do the exams, nearly even regardless of the results. the first exams is tomorrow.

with regards to ravenhead, i may not be ready to deal with the exams, but i am completely ready to finish college, i will go back for post graduate study i think but not next year, i want that time for myself. I will miss college but mostly i'll miss the people. what is driving me at the moment is my very supportive ex-girlfriend, my family and my friends and the fact that i want to go out for the end of exams piss-up and graduate with my friends, and be guilt free that i didn't cop out

at the moment i think i would let myself down if i didn't sit them and that i would regret it. this may change as the day goes on but we will see.

Rant

ravenhead

Originally posted by RantAnyone
thanks for the replies. i'm studying today anyway and at the moment i'm of a mindset to do the exams, nearly even regardless of the results. the first exams is tomorrow.

with regards to ravenhead, i may not be ready to deal with the exams, but i am completely ready to finish college, i will go back for post graduate study i think but not next year, i want that time for myself. I will miss college but mostly i'll miss the people. what is driving me at the moment is my very supportive ex-girlfriend, my family and my friends and the fact that i want to go out for the end of exams piss-up and graduate with my friends, and be guilt free that i didn't cop out

at the moment i think i would let myself down if i didn't sit them and that i would regret it. this may change as the day goes on but we will see.

Rant

I'm really glad to hear that you're thinking of going ahead with your exams - you owe it to yourself to finish them & I guarantee that your ex will be very proud of you for going ahead with them. Hang in there -- It'll all work out.....;)

RantAnyone

well i sat the first exam the other day and it went pretty ok. the various college professors and stuff where glad i decided to do it as where my friends and my ex-girlfriend. i think i'll end up going through with the lot of them now though i wish there wasn't such a large gap to my next one as i have a tendancy to go off the boil.

thanks for all the replies folks i will keep you's informed

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daveg

Personally I would do one of 2 things. Either:

1/ Take time to decide what you really want. This is only fair to not only yourself but her as well. Your behaviour of being a wanker to flirting/kissing her is niether good for her or you. If you decide (100%) that you want her back then win her back. Tell her the truth and see if she wants to come back.

2/ Cut all ties. As I mentioned above your behaviour is neither good for her or you. Likewise hearing she is with other men is not doing you any good. In fact this is rule number 1 of a breakup imo - Do not fish for answers to questions that you really dont want to hear.

My tuppence. Good luck.

Chinafoot

i was in a similar situation. i broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and then when he moved on (very quickly) i did the whole analysing thing and decided that i wanted him back. he said he couldnt do it cos i broke his heart and he wanted to move on. while that hurt a bit i respected it and realised that there were valid reasons for us breaking up and it wouldnt be any different the next time and i'd probably end up hurting us both. so i moved on with my life too. i went to australia for a year and had teh time of my life. i got over it and while we dont really talk anymore i hope he's as happy as i am.

so i think u need to stop over-analysing things and dont let ur insecurities influence you. you broke up with this girl for a reason and you cant blame her for being afraid. focus on ur exams and then see how u feel bit if you do get back together please make sure its for the right reasons.......otherwise you'll both get hurt.

best of luck with th exams.

Steph