lost a friend..

Agent Smith

hello,
my name is joey and i have a little thing i'd like to get off my chest.


I went to work in romania with a school project 2 years ago. the project was to build a playground for a hospital.

i was 16 at the time and my first time away from ireland without my parents.

we leasied with the local school over there and they helped us in the work

now the local school kids were the same age as us, 15/16/17. they were great fun to work with and in the evening we went and played pool, discoed and hung around with they in there town. now one of the girls, monica was slightly older the the rest of the class( 18) and myself and her became great friends, not as in love or anything but a solid friend ship. after the two weeks past we went home and we all promised to meet up again, as people do when they are over sea's.

now myself and monica kept in touch via e-mail and by letters and phine call. i was even going to take a detour ( with out telling my felllow travelers untill i got to mainland europe,) down to meet up with her in galiti.
we had exchanged many emails regarding her trying to find me accomadation in galiti and travel and so forth. everything was going to plan, or so i thought

the last contact i made with monica was on the 17th of march, she sent me a st patricks day e-card and she and i were studing for exam's.


now i went into work last night with out a care in the world.



and at 11:30pm i get a message

RIchard: were you speaking to monica during the past few day's? wb soon k

ME: no i wasnt, is everything ok?

Richard:it's not joe, ive some real bad news, she died on thursday,... she hung herself.... i'm really sorry joe,cuz (because) your number was the last she dialed, hope your ok... talk to you tomorrow.



it turns out that monica had tried to ring me, ( i tink i had a missed call on thursday from a private number)

after she rang me, some time that day, she hung herself...


now if i was told that monica was killed in a car accident or had a brain tumor or died of cancer, i think i could have delt with it a little better.

i told no one at work, and phoned my sister for advice who told me to ring my mother ( at 6am) and explained to her.

now i'm sorry for rambling on but i really needed to get this off my chest. my question is, do people who commit Suicide know the pain and suffering that people left behind suffer? do they know the feeling of being told whats happened?

could they not stop and think, even for that split second, how many people love them and think of them fondly....


now i never told monica that i loved her, but i always thought that deep down she knew, not in a lustfull or mariagably sence, but as a friend who loved her enough to be able to talk to her, about anything and anyone.

Thank you, sorry for rambling on a bit but i needed to get this off my chest.

Karl Hungus

...? :dunno:

Beruthiel

Originally posted by agent smith
do people who commit Suicide know the pain and suffering that people left behind suffer? do they know the feeling of being told whats happened?

no I don't believe they think that far ahead, I imagine they are too wrapped up in their own depression to see past it a lot of the time. It's the type of depression that can weigh you down so bad that you see no way out of it. After all, if they were able to realise that at some point in the future things will get better, they would never take this step in the first place. This question will never be answered properly anyway, how can it? I know your first thought was probably, why didn't she talk to me if she was feeling so bad, after all, ye were good friends. Only she could have answered this question, but I believe oftentimes, they just can't or won't.
I'm sorry Joe, if you need to get more off your chest, post here or send me a PM.
I can't help you in any way, but sometimes it's better for yourself just to write down how you feel.
take care
anna

Agent Smith

to be honnest it just felt like a weight was lifted off my chest. i was at work when i heard the news and i was stuck there till 6:20 am, go home rang sister in oz and mum in spain and poste here. and after that i just felt that a great pain was lifted off me.


a group of us who were friends with her are meeting today to talk, if it's ok i'lll post later on tonight on how i feel.


i've never felt too "attached" to someone that it hurt when they died, my grandfather and grandmother on my father and mothers sides died when i was little ( 2 and 9) and when i was 9 i didnt really feel upset, just noticed the her chair was empty when i visted my aunts house in nerwy,
but this is the first person i felt for and she just did it without any hesitation it would seen,

and to be honest, i'm not only upset, but scared for some reason....

Beruthiel

Originally posted by agent smith
and to be honest, i'm not only upset, but scared for some reason....

being scared is probably not unusual, the reality of life just took a new turn for you, when people die older and of natural means, it's expected to a degree, Monica was young with her life ahead of her and she died by her own hand. Worst of all, it's impossible to answer the questions going around in your head and that's the most upsetting part.

vibe666

i came very close to suicide about 8 years ago, but i just couldn't do it. all i can say is that anyone who says it's a cowards way out has never been there. it's a horrible feeling inside thinking that death is better than living and you really don't think about other people when you're there and thinking about it.

you can't blame yourself for what happened. the chances are that things had been troubling her for a very long time and that the sad conclusion to her short life was inevitable. it sounds like she had a good time with you while you were there so try and concentrate on the fact that if only for a short time you did make her happy bedfore she died, and I'm sure she appreciated you for it.

just try and be grateful for the time you spent with her and not dwell on what happened, why or what you could have done to prevent it. those things can eat you up, and the only conclusion is that you will never know unless she left a note and you couldn't have done anything to help her unless she wanted to help herself.

i'm sorry for your loss, but just try and keep yourself busy and not dwell on it too much and you'll get through it a stronger person.

BuffyBot

now i'm sorry for rambling on but i really needed to get this off my chest. my question is, do people who commit Suicide know the pain and suffering that people left behind suffer? do they know the feeling of being told whats happened?

I don't know - I think it is as individual as the person involved. I guess some people don't give it much thought, and some know but in the state of mind their in the amount of pain they are going through outweighs it.

I can only guess at why your scared - perhaps your scared that you will become upset, and thet it will affect you. If that is the case, don't be scared. It's part of a natural grieving process and it is something which will help you over time. You've taken the first step by getting it off your chest.

Jebus Chroist man, sorry to hear that.
I'm told that those who committ suicide mostly feel calm in the hours or days before hand as they have decided.

Whatever it is that is eating them up inside matters less to them now than the fact that they are going to kill themselves as they believe whatever built up agony it is, will end.
Thats a potential relief thats self-consuming for them,it has the power to wipe out thought of all else.

This is why you must not think that they even thought about, or had any understanding of the hurt the suicide causes to those left behind, I believe they don't.
I know it's not a popular thing to say, but in my humble opinion it is an illness worse than anything physical because of its ability to mask itself, from friends and family.
It's an extreme form of pain release from that illness for them, an illness that is so consuming, it hides itself and removes in most cases the ability to talk about your problems.
I regard that as fact and the best way to cope with the event, as no matter what one thinks, if theres no visible sign and everything seemed happy the event was not a sudden impulse, it was planned and that is the horrible part of the illness of depression.
In such a case there is absolutely nothing that you could have done.

Of course it is scarey, you realise how human you are and how fragile and you are probably at a loss to explain why this has happened.
Grieve for sure and talk about it as much as you can or want to with your friends.Don't be afraid to laugh and joke about your times in Romania and remember as a wise man once said and as other wiser people often repeat This too will pass .

Gordon

I'm really sorry to hear that. Meeting up with your friends is one of the best ways to deal with this. Sometimes the emotions that are building up inside you can drive you mad if you don't release them. Being with friends that knew her and the situation would certainly lessen the pain of releasing these feelings. It helped me when a friend of mine died.

Good luck and don't be afraid to post back.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to hear about what's happened to you. My dad tried to kill himself about a year, and planned it all very carefully so that he wouldn't be found in time, but luckily was and survived. I talked to him quite a bit about what he was thinking beforehand and he explained about how organised and clinical he was about the whole thing.

Its a difficult thing to deal with because not only are you dealing with feelings of loss for a good friend and the realities of death, but also anger at the inconsideration of your friend, guilt that you didn't know what she was feeling and helplessness that you couldn't do anything to stop it. Well these are some of the feelings that I had anyway.

Its something that I've come to terms with but will never fully get over. I wish you the best in dealing with it, and advise you to talk to people about how you're feeling. Remember that nothing you're feeling is wrong and that you just need to work things out in your head.

Lainey

this is just a nightmare for you.. i agree with whoever said there was nothing you or anyone could have done.. the decision was made by monica.. you are faced with a different outlook on life now, from what you were used to.. and indeed it does make a big difference.. the only way i feel about suicide is def not that 'they took the cowards way out' but that they were so distraught and depressed that even death was better than living their lives and that is so sad.. but i think there was nothing you could have done.. the reason i think she rang you was not for someone to save her or she would have rang someone else but i think to hear your voice again.. this just shows how much she thought of you also...
i, for one, don't know how that feels to face that decision and i wouldn't try to imagine how the person is feeling.. this being said, the families and friends are left, like yourself, to pick up the pieces of their lives and try to understand..

a friend it happened to told me once that the only way he could get over the questions in his own head, even 2 yrs later, was to accept that there is nothing that could be done or now can be done, but tries to remember the person as they were before this happened..

easy for me to say as i havent' been there and i'd rather not be.. i'm glad you have your friends who also knew her to help you grieve..

if you need to talk pm me joe..

df001i6876

sorry to hear that . it take all kinds too make a world ,remember the good times
and don"t blame your self. you did the right thing .

senordingdong

Originally posted by agent smith

now i'm sorry for rambling on but i really needed to get this off my chest. my question is, do people who commit Suicide know the pain and suffering that people left behind suffer? do they know the feeling of being told whats happened?

could they not stop and think, even for that split second, how many people love them and think of them fondly....

This might not be what you want to hear but its something you HAVE to think about.

Do you know the pain and suffering Monica was going through?
Do you know how unbearable her life must have been for her to make the choice she made?
Do you have any idea how painfull it would have been for her to go on?

Cant you, and other people not stop and think, even for a split second, that she felt she was doing what was best?

There are two sides to every story Joe.

Puck

Very sorry to hear about your friend.

Depression is a sickness, depressed people can't really think rationally about what would happen if they killed themselves

It's a terrible tragedy to lose someone so close but try not to dwell on what you or anyone else could have done differently to prevent it, you'll go mad thinking like that. Celebrate your friend's life and remember her fondly, she died of a terrible sickness.

Victor

It's not your fault, if that is what you are thinking. I've been on both sides of the fence - of losing a friend (26, epilepsy) and of thinking to myself (while depressed) "Do i want to go on anymore?"

Based on what you have written above, you and Monica had an affectionate friendship - that I think is evidenced by the fact that she tried to phone you. Would you being there to asnwer that call have saved her, I don't know, but I don't think so.

I think you should try to do to celebrate her life, to remember her by. To share what she was like with your friends and family. To not do this now make make you feel guilty later.

Sometime in the future, no doubt you will again feel the pain of missing Monica. It will be hard to take.

Carpe Diem

df001i6876

Originally posted by senordingdong
This might not be what you want to hear but its something you HAVE to think about.

Do you know the pain and suffering Monica was going through?
Do you know how unbearable her life must have been for her to make the choice she made?
Do you have any idea how painfull it would have been for her to go on?

Cant you, and other people not stop and think, even for a split second, that she felt she was doing what was best?

There are two sides to every story Joe.

revenge by suicide /theres alot off that in this world we live intoday<true the people who do this only have a one track mind hell bent on make the person they love feel bad?they need help. The signs
are never notice till it done.I started work a 15 stove gas cooker factory< And made a friend for life tommy his name was great lad,I lefted stoves> 3years on after going from job too job .I met tommy again <I took some girl home from my local pub and whos there tommy with her sister> he got married .I did not stay with her sister . I move on .
I started work down pit, whos there tommy . Anyway i got married at 24. going out for drink after work, with the lads .whos there tommy.
we talk about life .good drinking parner tommy .He told me is dad had comitted suicide when he was a kid. Any way. life change . Could not carry on going out all the time . my wife was pregnant . and family come.before drinking parners .Years go by > me+the wife +kid go on hoiday, whos there tommy +wife+kids.Great time we all had>we keep in touch me tom, say hello at work in the pub. Tommy got Divorced is wife was seeing some one else .tom met someone else life gos on,Tommy comitted suicide His.exwife +girlfriend +kids+mother brothers mates Devastated.WHY since then. two off is brothers have also comitted suicide .Pure mother.depression.
Joe time a great healer .Don t let people get to you, not your fault.

LegacyUser

agent smith,

Sorry to hear about your friend, you must be having a rough time of it at the moment. Getting together with people that knew here sounds like a good idea. It'll help everyone come to terms with what's happened and move on together.

now i'm sorry for rambling on but i really needed to get this off my chest. my question is, do people who commit Suicide know the pain and suffering that people left behind suffer? do they know the feeling of being told whats happened?

could they not stop and think, even for that split second, how many people love them and think of them fondly....

Think of this way. If your friend had cancer and was suffering every day, and wanted to end her life, would you think she was selfish and should have changed her mind and gone on just for other people's sake? This is no different. Real depression is an illness, despite the fact most people think it's something you can snap out of.
Until you've been there you can't really understand it (and for your sake i hope it doesn't happen to you).

endanagle

i had a friend who hung himself seven years ago... i was only 17 at the time and he was about 2 weeks short of his 21st birthday...

this guy had loads going for him, had just bought some DJ decks got a decent job etc etc... its the usual story really - he had a lot to live for, as far as we were all concerned.

we had made big plans for his 21st and then a friend called ito me at work to tell me he had committed suicide - you can imagine just how much of a kick in the stones that was...

i can't pretend to understand why he did it, and yes it does hurt / make me wonder why he couldn't com talk to me or someone else about it, but I do know that in that situation, you feel utterly hopeless... like there's no way out.

all i can say is he had a lof pf things going on in his life with his family situation so i can only think that had something to do with it - but again I'll never know more than what I can guess...

of course we all miss him a lot, but, to rehash a cliché, it does get better... i still think about him a lot, as i expect you will for years to come, but i always have known that there must be a very good reason for it - no matter whether he felt that he could share it with me or not.

it does get better, you accept - even if you may never understand. hope you're ok, and its good that you have your friends - they help a lot

Enda
--

senordingdong

Originally posted by df001i6876
revenge by suicide /theres alot off that in this world we live intoday<true the people who do this only have a one track mind hell bent on make the person they love feel bad?they need help.

Where does revenge come in to it?

df001i6876

from the mind off a suicide bomber.
i seen a program on tv .
i don t know > wether this is what my mate had on his mind .

I can not tell you.its just figure off speech so on . Did not wish to a offend anyone.
ok

mr_angry

There's not much anybody can say to comfort you at times like this - the event just seems to consume your life for a period of time. The only advice I could give is to try to keep breathing deeply, keep going, and at some point in the future you'll be in a better position to understand and accept it. There's no set time-frame for that - don't berate yourself if you're still feeling this way in 6 months. My condolences on the loss of someone who was obviously a good friend to you.

Victor

Originally posted by mninoyb
Real depression is an illness, despite the fact most people think it's something you can snap out of.

I explain it like this: when "most people" can instruct the rain to stop, depressed people will be able to instruct the depression to stop.

yop

Sorry for your loss, was in the exact same situation 3 years ago. Best mate killed himself in shed outside back door.
I had my phone turned off but he rang me 10 minutes before he did it. He left me a message, was incredibly hard to handle, nearly pushed me over the edge.

I'm told that those who committ suicide mostly feel calm in the hours or days before hand as they have decided

He was so calm he got a hair cut, new clothes, wrote out funneral songs, notes, made phone calls.

Suicide is not selfish or revenge. In this case he lived with this issue for over 15 years, he could not take. He does not not have this hanging over him anymore.

Of course we all were upset and cross at him, BUT what he was going through must have been torture.
There maybe more to your friends suicide, it may eventually surface.

In the case of all of the 4 friends I have lost to suicide each have had a "reason" from the very small reason, to them was a mountain, to us it was solvable, but to the others that could not be changed

senordingdong

Originally posted by df001i6876
from the mind off a suicide bomber.
i seen a program on tv .
i don t know > wether this is what my mate had on his mind .

I can not tell you.its just figure off speech so on . Did not wish to a offend anyone.
ok

Fair enough, i just thought you mis-read my post.
No worries.

Agent Smith

thanks for all the surpport.


as an 18 year old, i understand there are times if feels like the worlds on my sholders, like the pressure i'm under for my leaving cert.

the pressure of the leaving cert feels like nothing compared to the pressure i felt for that split second that i read that message that richard sent me, telling me of the news about monica.

during the week, a group of 6 of us met in a pub in rathmines, to talk and see how we were doing.

i felt so much better as soon as i arrived and say richard in his chelsea shirt ( the match was on).
his first words were " i'm sorry joseph"

and looking around the table at teh other 5, daniel,even,paul,breffni and jill.
i could see in their eye's the same feeling that i had been dragging around with me untill that very point.
they all understood how close i was with monica, and how this was affecting me,

and then, after my pint arrived, we just talked, about romania, the year, leaving cert, my job, everything.

and it made me feel so much better. knowing that i wasn't the only one feeling this pain.

returning from the pub, i felt the pressure lifted.
i felt that i could deal with this, and that life, fate or not, had to go own and had to be lived to the best way that we can live it.

i know this sounds "cheesey" but as soon as i saw my friends, i felt free.

thanks again for your surport

Joseph
(agent smith)

Gordon

Nice one! It's not cheesy at all, I had the same experience with my friends, it's a natural thing.