chew on this

13

hey folks!
i just felt like i needed to get this out..and perhaps hear other peoples viewpoints..forgive me if its all muddled..i dont know how im gonna start or even finish this! (fyi im 22 and male)

over the last few years (give or take 5..plus another 5 going back into family problems..okay half my life forget a few years!) ive gone through some amount of sht which i wont bother going into in any great detail, i have found it increasingly hard to relate to anything. you could say that i suffered from depression..questioning,over analysing,trying to understand things that can never be understood and in effect i pretty much threw a spanner in the works and left my dreams and expectations on the back seat. after high school i really had no interest in college or anything.. i was way too confused to know what i wanted, to handle anything really.

as a result i buried myself in the online world,making friends with like minded people & generally just stumbling along the rest of the time. i havent accomplished much in these few years.. its been more a journey of self discovery rather than a practical one. i met an italian girl who i fell head over heels in love with but we recently decided to breakup after a great 2yrs together..realising that however perfect we felt for each other it was time to let each other growup and all that. it hurts like hell sometimes but cest la vie. just taking the good with the bad atm..spending more time with friends again which is a good thing i guess.

right now there are times when i feel great, content, happy just to be and im slowly beginning to find the courage to take over my life and ive started to make plans for myself...but also there are times when i feel 'numb' in a sense..to the point where i feel like my feelings have been taken over by my mind, my self delusioned rationality and perspective of the world..and some awful stomach churning feeling like im completely alone, and that all this mess in my head will never make sense..and that scares me to the bone.

sometimes i wonder if other people feel the same way, in terms of numbness, i dont understand where my feelings have gone, or if ive just grown up and grown accustomed to them?? due to this, i oftentimes find myself questioning my own actions, especially in relation to women i get involved with, where i find myself getting closer to them,nearly like im just being pulled along...but not really feeling it, and i feel guilty and cant explain myself in fear of hurting the other person. i spose my heart atm, still lies with my ex,i guess that would partly explain things...new person...new everything etc..but i know it goes deeper than that. sometimes my life literally feels like a dream when i think back..in the sense that it really is a dream and not real.. (yes quite fubar i know..it could be all the schmokin too;)

lately ive become more extroverted, i find myself discussing things with people i feel i can talk to, no matter how screwd it sounds i just let it out and the feedback ive gotten has actually been quite positive, and it definitely helps me, feeling that someone knows me for what and who i actually am and i also feel like im forging more genuine relationships in turn. its weird..even friends ive grown up with and have known forever (or thought i had), its like a whole different ball game now, not just happy to hang around and kick a ball,have a few pints or whatever i feel a strange need to connect and better understand the people around me.

i guess things are taking a turn for the better, however slowly it may be,its a start..and thats something i havent had in a very long time. its hard to explain, but in some sense, i feel like my inner child is surfacing again..i mean, in the way a child looks at the world with hope and a sense of security,happy with the simplistic and in awe of the complex. with this, ive somehow gained an interest in my own spirituality, and have at times grasped something intangible that has left me calm and serene in a way words cannot convey. the other night for instance..i was dreaming away and felt something take hold of my hand..something invisible,just a feeling..i remember standing on a beach and walking slowly behind footprints that appeared before me in the sand which then led me to the shore where they disappeared into the water. i just stood ther looking across the ocean, and i felt a sense of belonging to something, everything, all at once,like the universe was as much a part of me as i was of it and you and all things no matter how insignificant..such a contrast from my usual isolation..and it was quite liberating to say the least.

im sorry im not actually asking much questions as such..im just trying to relate..i want to know if anybody knows what im talking about, or if im just going insane? (id wager the latter;P i want to know if anyone else has had these experiences,or if any of you know how i feel in general,and how you deal/dealt with those things. feel free to ask of me what you wish, til then i happily await your reply..

be good,
K

arkles

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f18/

Unpossible

there are so many parts of that which would describe me, (especially the g/f thing except mine was french)

tman

Originally posted by 13
right now there are times when i feel great, content, happy just to be and im slowly beginning to find the courage to take over my life and ive started to make plans for myself...but also there are times when i feel 'numb' in a sense..to the point where i feel like my feelings have been taken over by my mind, my self delusioned rationality and perspective of the world..and some awful stomach churning feeling like im completely alone, and that all this mess in my head will never make sense..and that scares me to the bone.

that's scarily similar to my own feelings:eek:

not sure if you should consider that a good thing or not:D

jackal

Jaysus,
sounds like you were spending waaaaaay too much time inside your own head. Life is for living man, not pondering everything.

To me it sounds like you were depressed for a long time. The cynisism, apathy and general kind of world-weariness is part and parcel of that. For whatever reason, the depression has lifted, and you are beginning to look around you and see the world for the mad place it is, filled with interesting people just as complex as you.

It sounds good that you are making connections with people. I think I know what you mean here, with the numbness. Previously, I bet you would have found it hard to drag up a memorable moment with your freinds. Sounds like you were only small-talking with people, scratching the surface. Making connections is a little risky, but the reward is fantastic.

The thing with the birds is fine. I dont know how serious the ex-relationship was, so I cant comment on that. The reason you are having trouble could be that you dont know who you are yet, as you are changing big-time. If you dont know yourself, it is very difficult to have a relationship. You would be better off to just get happy in with yourself and keep it casual with girls until you find you have figured yourself out a bit.

If you feel yourself slipping back into the old ways, please talk to someone about it.

Lay off the smoke for a while too... I know its nice, but it can really make you feel numb too if you are constantly at it, plus it will make you lazy in all aspects of your life. make it a special occasion thing, rather than your normal state.

Good work!

13

youve pretty much reitiretated my own beliefs, and subsequently hit the proverbial nail on the head:)

im okay about the relationship, obviously a bit remorseful that its gone and all that but nothing out of the ordinary. i feel lucky to have experienced it at all. also like you said, have pretty much decided to keep it kosher on the girlfriend side for a while til i get myself up and running again, having had that relationship taught me as much.

regards smoke growin out of it at this stage anyway, need to think clearly through this while, not put my head in the clouds again!

i guess in the end..i am realising things are making sense and that feels great.

i dont think you have really said anything i didnt already know myself, but its comforting to hear someones opinion on the matter. to know that im finally finding a path in this mess once and for all! and for that i thank you for replying:) be good