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The Lambast of the Messianic

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  • 07-04-2004 6:54pm
    #1
    Doctor Funfrock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭


    Through the darkness,
    is a sparkle of decency,
    a beam of goodness shining,
    through the evil of yesteryear.

    Out of the depths of sorrow,
    elevates a hallowed goodness,
    free of lust and criminality.
    Hark, the time is near!

    The reflection of a saviour,
    frequented to a clairvoyant,
    racing through dark fields,
    absorbs the goodness of us.

    Behold, the light is upon us,
    striking through the pain,
    and suffering, defeating our fears,
    the lambast of the messianic.


Comments

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    #2
    oeNeo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,299 ✭✭✭oeNeo


    That's beautiful


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    #3
    Doctor Funfrock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭Doctor Funfrock


    thanks oen :)


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    #4
    flogen
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 10,243 Mod ✭✭✭✭flogen


    what are you trying to write? the bible part 2?

    very very poor. If your 12, well done, any older, you need to work at it.

    Flogen


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    #5
    Kappar
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,114 ✭✭✭Kappar


    I thinks it's pretty


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    #6
    Doctor Funfrock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭Doctor Funfrock


    thanks kappar. maybe if flogen had more intelligence and less ego he would be able to understand it instead of criticising everything!


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    #7
    MojoMaker
    Registered Users Posts: 4,576 ✭✭✭MojoMaker


    I see this all the time with new writers, particularly poets for some reason. The passage is trying to be enigmatic for the sake of being enigmatic. That's not usually a good sign.

    However...the piece does indicate a certain familiarity with English, which is a solid platform upon which to build. I look forward to your next offering. If I can give a tip, make the next one simpler. Don't try to be the next Milton. Say what's on your mind, not what you wish was on your mind.


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    #8
    flogen
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 10,243 Mod ✭✭✭✭flogen


    no i understand it, i just dont like it. theres no progression in it, no inventivness. There is no need to write like that, it sounds like your trying too hard, as mojo pointed out. It doesnt sound at all natural.

    And for me to have ego, I'd have to say 'i can write better than that', which i didnt.

    You need to put some work into finding your own style.

    Flogen


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    #9
    Doctor Funfrock
    Closed Accounts Posts: 199 ✭✭Doctor Funfrock


    im not trying to appeal to the lowest common denominater here mate sorry maybe you should go watch american pie or something


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    #10
    flogen
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 10,243 Mod ✭✭✭✭flogen


    Nah, its only funny the first time.

    Its good to hear your not trying to appeal to the LCD... you shouldnt really be trying to appeal to anyone, hence me saying you should find your own style.
    The piece sounds laboured and forced, and theres no flow to it, nor does it seem to serve a purpose, as all art should.

    Flogen


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    #11
    Raphael
    Closed Accounts Posts: 8,880 ✭✭✭Raphael


    I'm afraid I'll have to agree with flogen here, I didnt particularily like it


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    #12
    gigglingrat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 315 ✭✭gigglingrat


    Its kinda...awkward. Or wordy...or SOMETHING. I dunno, its just hard to read, or maybe I'm stupid and tired.:D


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