A poem I wrote

Babygirl

I wrote this last summer (I think it was last summer) after a trip to the national art gallery. Feel free to take it to pieces. I'd like to hear people's opinions of it.

6th Seal.

My world is burning
falling around me
My life is over
but I embrace it
I am the victim of slavery
I have nothing to lose

The sky is falling
The stones are splitting
but I embrace it
I am the lowest of the low
I cannot belong

God has forgotten us
Evil gets his revenge
but I embrace it
He will flush the pain away
He will erase me.

Draupnir

I like it to be honest, bit morbid though!

passive

i like it...it made me smile quite a bit...well done (smiling in an unhappy way of course though)

CuLT

one word: kool.

Lafortezza

Does nobody write happy stuff any more?

Chucky

I alternate between writing deep depressing stuff and writing love poems.

Suaimhneach

I like that because it is how I feel at times.

Good stuff.

BEAT

well, it is "okay"
for something with such strong feelings it ends too soon...if it is meant to be "deep" perhaps you should take what you have and elaborate more.
It doesnt quite move me, I read it without feeling that it made me think...and a good piece tends to leave you with that sort of feeling, understand?

keep it up though, show us some more.

Babygirl

Thanks moderator, though I won't pretend to like criticism, it is very refreshing to get a proper comment for once - "I like it" does not constitute as a proper comment. Come on people, I can take it - why do ya think I posted it on the message board in the first place?!

funktastic

ok it's ****e, happy?:cool:

Chucky

Now that's a bit harsh

Babygirl, who is the 'He' in the last two lines?

goo

"ok it's ****e, happy?"

The section's called creative writing, you could have tried creative criticism. Oh well, I'm sure you were joking.

Babygirl

Evil!