Half-brother and the associated headmangle....

LegacyUser

This could be a long one, so please bear with.

I am a regular poster on boards, but for obvious reasons I dont want to post under my regular alias.

I started a new job in the New Year in my home town, and as I get a lift home with my mam every day, we talk about our day and how work is going etc. This one particular day I had been telling her about a work colleague of mine (I will call her Amanda) who had been ever so slightly freaking me out by staring at me and asking me all sorts of questions about my family. My mam was rather taken aback by this information, and told me to stay away from this woman, as she was apparently a bit 'bonkers' and generally dangerous to know. I thought nothing more of this and took her advice. However, it is difficult to avoid Amanda as she works in the office adjacent to mine and constantly stares at me. A few days after my mothers initial warning, Amanda came over to me and said "Do you know that your mother used to go out with my brother?". I was taken aback at her telling me this, so I just shook my head and said "Oh really...." She answered back in a sour tone "He's dead now."
This naturally enough freaked me, as the implication was there that my mother had something to do with his death. Later that day I told my mam about the exchange, and she told me that she 'needed to have a chat with me'. She dropped me home and came in for a cup of tea....

Her story was that she had gone out with Amandas brother 'Paul' for a while as a teenager, and she had been madly in love, sneaking out to see him in the middle of the night etc., against her parents wishes. It was really the stuff of Romeo and Juliet. She slept with him, and of course got pregnant. She was just 16, and in the middle of her schooling. It was a great shame of course to her family (both her parents were teachers and 'pillars of the community) and she decided that the best thing she could do is give the baby up for adoption. Amanda, Paul and that entire family pleaded with her over and over to keep the baby or hand it over to them, but my mam was aware of a history of mental illness in their family and was afraid to risk that. So... nine days after her 17th birthday, she had a baby boy. That was 1977. He was put up for adoption at 3 weeks old. My mam signed forms waiving her right to ever try and search for him etc. but that he was entitled to search for her and her records would not be withheld from him. Four weeks after the baby was adopted, my mams father died of a heart attack and she never made her peace with him beforehand.

She felt that Amanda was going to spill the beans about the baby and everything else, and perhaps put a spin on things that werent true, so she told us about the baby. Coincidentally, it was on his 27th birthday in January that she did tell us. She told me before my brother and sister, because it was convenient. My brother reacted in a very positive manner, insanely curious as to the whereabouts of this brother he never knew he had. My sister was less thrilled. I was sort of in the middle.

I had thought that that was it, and that all I knew was that there was a man out there somewhere who was my half brother. The idea of meeting him was never in my mind.

Last week, by sheer coincidence, he made contact with my mam. He had been searching since he was 21 and to no avail. On this occasion he was successful. He has already met her. Now he wants to meet me and my siblings.

Is it wrong of me that I feel some sort of resentment towards him? I dont know why it is that I do.... I feel like Mam is going to be torn away from us somehow.... And also... my father... He feels very marginalised by all of this and he wont talk about it. I feel like if I show willingness to meet this 'brother' of mine, that it will hurt my Dads feelings. It will probably hurt Mams if I dont..... I feel so sorry for my mam for what she went through at that age, and yet I am so proud that she made the right decision for herself at that time, and gave the baby away. But I really dont want to meet him. Not yet, anyways. I feel like it is too soon.

What should I do?

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Arghhhhh
Is it wrong of me that I feel some sort of resentment towards him?

no
it's a lot to take in and if you had more time to absorb it perhaps you mightn't feel like this, you have a lot to come to terms with right now, so take it slow and think it through.

however

remember, at some time in his life his adoptive parents have told him he's adopted. imagine, he's there thinking, why was I put up for adoption, who are my parents, where do I come from, do I have brothers and sisters, will they accept me, will they like who I've become. so many questions he needs answers to, and he desperately wants answers, that is clear from the amount of time he has spent looking for you. I know it's hard for you to meet him, but try, if you can, to put yourself a little in his shoes and see what it's like. He must be scared and aprehensive and has worked out every little scenario around in his head as to the outcome of these meetings. he is invading your space and must be highly aware of this. try to see the positive side in it, he is your half brother, you could like him, at least give him the chance to find out if that's possible. Maybe he just wants to see what you look like, if ye have any common features, etc.. he may go away and never come back, you won't know till you try. Keep in mind that he's another human being just like you with all the same crap running around in his head, this is as difficult for him as it is for you.

However,
as you are not ready quite yet, tell your mother that, tell her you need time to absorb it all and think it through, and then when you have, and are ready, you will see him. She will relay the message and he will understand.
He has had years to come to terms with this, you've only had 5 minutes.

I dont know why it is that I do.... I feel like Mam is going to be torn away from us somehow....

you need not worry, this will not happen, and I can only imagine what it's like for her right now. Excitement at the thoughts of seeing a child she had to give away and thought she would never see again, and fear that her present family will not accept who she is and what she has done in her past.


And also... my father... He feels very marginalised by all of this and he wont talk about it

I'm sure your mother told your dad about this before they got married? well I asume?
if so, then he took her on with this information and must have known that at some stage in the future this might happen

above all, take your time on this one, as I said already, think it all through and explain to your mother that you need this time so you don't have to rush a decision.
good luck with it
a

Victor

Originally posted by Beruthiel
I'm sure your mother told your dad about this before they got married? well I asume? if so, then he took her on with this information and must have known that at some stage in the future this might happen

Not necessarily.

I supect, but don't know that the original poster and his family are feeling that where they were once "one, whole", that now the lines are blurred. A friend of mine has two separate hafl brothers (i.e. his father has had children with 3 different women, one of whom had children with someone else) and while it is very complicated, they all accept each other. It is probably largely a matter of getting used to things.

Your father may feel that his "authority" is being usurped, that his "monopoly" over his wife is being impinged on. This is very difficult for most men to accept, that his wife was with someone else and had a child with them.

Also remember that your half-brother at the moment has not ever seen his blood family, he has no mother, no father, no siblings.

I think that thing will work out in the end. Take your time. Let your mother meet him first and let her tell each side about each other and then you can work together towards meeting up.

LegacyUser

Original poster here again.

Thank you for your replies so far.

I'm sure your mother told your dad about this before they got married? well I asume?

He knew alright. They were in the same class at school when Mam was pregnant, and it was in their final year of school, after all of this had happened, that they got together.

About my half brother - my mam told us that his adoptive father is dead and his adoptive mother is quite seriously ill. She also told us that he was a bit saddened to hear that his biological father was also dead. He doesnt have any other siblings bar us three, so I can imagine the feeling of elation knowing that he has found his blood ties out there. He has apparently asked every imaginable question about all of us. I cant help but feel afraid or worried or something. I am certainly on edge.

You made some good points about how he must be feeling anxious too Beruthiel. I must admit I hadnt really thought about how it all seemed from his point of view.

On the topic of my Dad, he clams up and leaves the room at the sheer mention of it. I wish he would even talk to us about it, but he wont. And we have this whole new thing about to happen in our lives and Dad will be on the sidelines, watching but refusing to take part.

One thing for sure - I am not ready to meet him yet. I am going to call my Mam and tell her the same... I just hope she understands.

Victor

Originally posted by Arghhhhh
One thing for sure - I am not ready to meet him yet. I am going to call my Mam and tell her the same... I just hope she understands.

Be careful saying this, your mother may feel you are judging her. Not wishing to put words in your mouth, but perhaps say that you aren't ready yet, it's a big change, but that you would eventually like to meet him.

Regarding your father, would family therapy or counselling be useful?

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Arghhhhh
He knew alright. They were in the same class at school when Mam was pregnant, and it was in their final year of school, after all of this had happened, that they got together

well in that case, it would seem that this has always bothered him but not to the degree where it stopped him from becoming involved with your mother and marrying her. It is a shame that he is not able to talk about it. Have you asked your mother how he is taking it?

He has apparently asked every imaginable question about all of us. I cant help but feel afraid or worried or something

it would indeed seem he is very interested in knowing you, I can understand him being curious

And we have this whole new thing about to happen in our lives and Dad will be on the sidelines, watching but refusing to take part

well as victor said, this 'finding you thing' is still all very new, but perhaps with time he will come around, and yes, would he be interested in talking to a counciller?

One thing for sure - I am not ready to meet him yet. I am going to call my Mam and tell her the same... I just hope she understands.

again, as victor said, be very careful of your wording, it is clear to me that you are a family that care a lot for each other, your mother loves you, she loves all her kids and will be very sensitive to your comments on this subject, she wants desperately for everything to be ok and shes trying her best to do the right thing by everybody. Remember what she did when she was 17 was probably the hardest thing she has ever done in her life and it has never left her mind, she has remembered him on his birthday, christmas, first communion, is he happy, sad, etc for her to eventually hear from him again is a miracle and a great joy for her.
As I said already, tell her you need time to digest all this new information and you want to work out all the possiblilties before taking it any further. You wish to take things slowly so that it all works out for the best in the end.

LegacyUser

Be careful saying this, your mother may feel you are judging her. Not wishing to put words in your mouth, but perhaps say that you aren't ready yet, it's a big change, but that you would eventually like to meet him.

Yes, this perhaps is a better approach. I am worried about saying anything to Mam - I can sense a certain tension between her and Dad about all of this. I am sure she probably feels completely torn.

With regards to my Dad seeing a counsellor, I think that is highly unlikely. Six years ago I went to see a counsellor due to depression and I was referred to a psychologist. My mam and dad both came with me to see him, but my Dad turned to me when we were leaving and said "Shrinks and psychologists are a waste of time and money, If you have problems, you should be able to find a way to mend things yourself."

My mam has asked me not to talk about it in front of my dad, but thats ridiculous. I have never had to watch my words around them, and he would know that we were being selective etc.

My own brother has decided to meet the new 'brother' next week and is urging me to go with him. My younger sister is urging me not to go at all. She has no interest whatsoever in meeting him which to me is extremely bizarre. She stated after she was told "he isnt my brother" and then afterwards confided in me that she wasnt interested in being a part of one of Mams 'mistakes'. I dont know how to react to that.... part of me wanted to slap the head of her for being such a brat, but I can see that she feels threatened etc.....

And then theres my Gran (Mams mother). She refused to see the baby after Mam had him, and didnt speak to mam until the baby was adopted out. She is very religious and very old fashioned and thinks along the same lines as my sister.

My mam I suppose is having the worst time out of it all... but I cant help worrying more after my Dad.

Victor

Originally posted by Arghhhhh
She stated after she was told "he isnt my brother" and then afterwards confided in me that she wasnt interested in being a part of one of Mams 'mistakes'.

Wait until she has her own 'mistakes', actually was your sister was a 'mistake' / 'accident'. There, but for the grace of God, go I.

Originally posted by Arghhhhh
And then theres my Gran (Mams mother). She refused to see the baby after Mam had him, and didnt speak to mam until the baby was adopted out. She is very religious and very old fashioned and thinks along the same lines as my sister.

Would your grandmother have preferred an abortion?

That said, people change over time. I never thought I'd here my mother say something (about a friend of mine and her fiancé) along the lines of "well she could just move in with him". Are mothers allowed say things like that?

Typedef

Don't feel too freaked.

My half brother & sister had no idea I existed until they were 10 & 12 respectively.

hedgetrimmer

www.adoptionireland.com

Please talk to these people. They are wonderful

mr_angry

This is one complicated situation alright.

If you want to try to make your Dad feel better, I'd advise trying to engage in some normal activities with him. Go to the football, or down to the pub to watch a match, or something. Try to let him know that all the things he's come to know and love about his family are still there, and that they wont be wrenched away by all of this. Just a reminder that some of the normal, regular family life is still there might be enough to loosen him up, for want of a better term.

LegacyUser

I think you should give him a chance meet him and see how it goes,
He probably doesnt want you to accept him as a brother but just to meet you and see what your like,
It is kinda hard growing up not knowing you origins not been related to any or your relations,wondering if you have brothers and sisters and wondering what your life would be like had you grown up with them and not as an only child.
No matter how good ur adopted parents are to you or how well u get on with ur family its horrible not knowing who they are

po0k

Originally posted by Arghhhhh
A few days after my mothers initial warning, Amanda came over to me and said "Do you know that your mother used to go out with my brother?". I was taken aback at her telling me this, so I just shook my head and said "Oh really...." She answered back in a sour tone "He's dead now."
This naturally enough freaked me, as the implication was there that my mother had something to do with his death.

I find this to be a very interesting story and just as a matter of curiosity, has your half-brother met his aunt Amanda?
How did his biological father die?

Obviously don't answer if you don't want to.

Puck

Pretty much the same thing happened to me when I was 13. Mine's a half-sister though. It's a bit of a head**** at first but it'll be fine in a while.

I was worried because it was like this stranger was going to come into our home and act all cosy like she knew us all our lives while to me she was just a stranger. I was also worried how it might affect my father.

Well she didn't act all over-familiar, she was really nice. Also my dad handled it great and was very nice to her. I was a bit surprised at how well he was taking it to be honest.

It all depends on what sort of person you get really. I got a lovely half-sister out of it but that's not to say that everyone does.

I'm just trying to say that it's absolutely normal to feel like you do. I did anyway.

jerenaugrim

Just take your time. You're obviously taking a mature, sensitive approach anyway. Fair play for that.
It's your Dad I'd worry most about. He's obviously having the most trouble dealing with this.
I think most families have a (potential) situation like this somewhere. A couple of years back, my Dad came to stay with me, we had a few pints, and he told me that his mother (who died when he was young, so I never knew her) had had a baby out of wedlock, to a different man, before marrying my grandfather. Not a good situation in 1940s Ireland. Apparently this child, my half-aunt, had been fostered out to distant relatives, then put in a convent, The morning after this revelation, Da asked me not to do anything, ie try to find this woman, who at that stage would've been old and not long to live. It still haunts me that I heeded him- what if she had our family features, what if she'd wanted to meet any of us? What kind of lonely life did she have (maybe a wonderful life, but still...) I guess what I'm saying is that these things happen, all families are way more complicated than is let on by the myth of the nuclear family. Don't know if any of that helps at all, but keep on as you have been treating this thing- sensitively, and compassionately- and you can't go wrong.
All the best to all of ye.
Jerry.

Delusional

A view of people from all sides of the triad. www.adoptionforums.com

Victor

In a way, isn't a half brother also like a half cousin? Would you feel threatened if a cousin came to stay, say for the duration of college?

po0k

Originally posted by Victor
In a way, isn't a half brother also like a half cousin?

In some technical blood-relative way, yes - kinda

Would you feel threatened if a cousin came to stay, say for the duration of college?

Most people have grown up knowing their cousins all their lives (at least the sort of cousin who would be close enough to ask to stay with you during college etc.), whereas a half-sibling you never met till recently is a totally different kettle of fish.

LegacyUser

Ok. Original poster back. Sorry it has taken a while to answer, but things have been busy.

There are a lot of things to respond to here....

Someone asked about my Nan and whether or not she would have preferred my Mam to have had an abortion - I am not sure, but I would say yes. Like a lot of the older generation, my mam has a blinkered view of life and society, and her reputation and image are fiercely important to her. I am sure that she perhaps may have wished for her to have an abortion, but never dared mention it in front of my Grandfather.

I had a look at adoptionireland.com - it was very helpful, so thanks a bunch for that.

My Dad is still hostile and uncommunicative about the whole thing... I attempted to sit with him and make myself available for him as support, but it somewhat backfired and he snapped at me about treating him like someone had just died.

I do understand that my half brother has a natural curiousity about us all, but I am more perplexed at myself and why I feel the complete opposite. Im a girl, and I have one brother and one sister. I am very lucky in that they are great siblings and even though we have our differences, in general we are very close. I really REALLY dont want to meet him. I have a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about it. My mam is eager for us to meet him, and cant understand my trepidation.

In answer to Syxpaks questions - No, he hasnt met Amanda. He isnt aware of her existence. Also, his biological father was killed in a car accident 15 months after the baby was born.

On the issue of cousins.... I cant equate meeting him with meeting up with my cousins. My mother is one of 13 children, my father one of 9. So... I have a LOT of first cousins. Around 50 in fact, and there is a cluster of us who were all born between 1975 and 1984, so we are all in our twenties and all very friendly. Some of them I literally lived with when I was younger because my mam and dad were so broke that we stayed with relations. The extended family, where everyone looks out for each other, is very important to me now. So much so that one of my best friends in the world is my 42 year old aunt.

LegacyUser

I hit enter before I was finished, so I shall continue.

I was saying - I am from a large family and it is unusual that I dont see a member of my family at least once a day or are talking to one of them on the phone etc. So, while this should be like meeting a cousin, its not. He is a stronger tie and my mam is more emotionally invested here. And yet, I still dont want to meet him. And its not a case of me not trying to accept this, cos I do accept that he exists and that he is my relative and Mamas son, but I dont accept that I should have to meet him or attempt niceties with someone who could easily just disappear again out of all of our lives. It could destroy my mam if he decided not to maintain communications with her. It IS upsetting my Dad to the point where I am afraid to talk to him. I am a Daddys girl and I have NEVER had a problem talking to him, but he has changed so much....

I am entirely stumped as to why I cant get over this mental block in my mind about him. I dont understand why I dont want to meet him.

Any thoughts at all, amateur or otherwise would be much appreciated.

Thanks also to the moderators here for letting me just vent... bizarrely hammering this all out on a keyboard and seeing it in text it makes it sort of easier to process.....

po0k

A problem shared is a problem halved, and you can pertty much be as open as you like here as know-one knows you

Anonymity rules.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Arghhhh
I am entirely stumped as to why I cant get over this mental block in my mind about him. I dont understand why I dont want to meet him

it all comes down to being scared of the unknown, you feel threatened in some way, the balance in your life, your dads life, has been knocked out of kilter, just give yourself time to think it through.
As you said, the worst that can happen is you don't see him again, do you not think that at some stage in the future you may regret not having met him?

Thanks also to the moderators here for letting me just vent... bizarrely hammering this all out on a keyboard and seeing it in text it makes it sort of easier to process.....

then keep posting till you have something worked out in your head, the advice here has been very good.

Going Demented

Last year i searched for my birthfather. I wanted answers. I was not looking for acceptance by him or siblings if i had any. I wanted answers. I was not looking for a family - i have one, those who raised me. I was not looking for a relationship but i would have offered friendship. For me personally too much time had passed (23 yrs) and i could not look at strangers as family, however i had to acknowledge that they were blood related to me. There is no bond and that's not something that is a given, that like any other relationship we have with people, is built in time.

I met my Birthfather. He partially answered SOME of my questions. I had a face to put to this person who had decided to have nothing to do with me over two decades ago. I could finally visualise him and have some answers and got rid of SOME of that God forsaking questions.

I met his wife. His wife is threatned by me. She got jealous, she behaved like a spoilt little brat in my presence. I explained to her i was not trying to take her husband away from her, i was not looking for a relationship, no ones lives were going to be altered. She decided to second guess me, decided she knew i was after him for financial assistance and to get him and my mother back together. I felt this was despicable of her to presume she knew me or my motives whether they were genuine or not. The reality was i would not take a penny off him and found it offensive when he sent me money for my birthday, i sent it back. I do not need money from anyone, friends, family, strangers or relative-strangers!. I would not dream of trying to matchmake my mother with someone she has not seen in 24 years. All i wanted to offer her was friendship. It caused problems in their marriage. I decided to back away, if i was causing problems then it was not worth it. So i totally pulled away, don't want to see them but will answer them if they e-mail/ call me. I am not being rude. I don't know how their marriage is going now but i do know she had the control of how my "reunion" went with my birthfather. He seemed a weak man but maybe he just wanted to keep the peace with everyone.

I am not someone to be threatened by. I am not looking for family. I am not looking for acceptance. I was looking for answers, i could of offered friendship. Your half brother is probably the same. Give him a chance.

There has to be some reason you don't want to meet him. I guess i don't understand it. But then again you have grown up with your biological family, you never had to look in a mirror and wonder if you looked like your parents, you never had to wonder was your natural mother thinking of you. And you never asked yourself "why was I given away but "she" was kept". Give him a chance. You might actually like him but you will never know till you meet him. If you don't get along then leave it at that, but meeting him cannot cause much harm. It will be 100 times more difficult for him.

hedgetrimmer

Originally posted by Arghhhhh
I had a look at adoptionireland.com - it was very helpful, so thanks a bunch for that.

Welcome.

And they are a very approachable bunch to. PM me if you would like contac details of someone to talk to you who may have had experiences not dissimilar.

Sleepy

You have my sympathiies Yaarrggh. It's definitely a head**** to find out these type of things.

You're not betraying your father by meeting your half-brother. Just be yourself around your dad, be the daughter he knows. It sounds like he wants "his life" back, so try give him a bit of that...

keep venting on the boards as long as you have to, it helps. There's something very therapeutic about vomiting your thoughts onto a screen. It's a part of why we all come here and sometimes, just sometimes, you'll find your own answer on the screen as you type it...