Friend in need

LegacyUser

Just found out that my closest friend hates college completely, thinks everyone in the year hates him and won't ever except him. Both of us grew up together, known each other since we where about 4 or 5, kinda both very similar people, both picked the exact same college course, neither of us have ever been with a woman, never shown much interest either (when I say been I mean held hands/kissed/slept with, basically any physical contact at all). Now he's telling me all this stuff about not being able to sleep at nights just wanted people to like and notice him, for who he is but doesn't have an ouch of self confidence, is fearful of rejection and doesn't know how to deal with people at all. Add to this the fact that I've adjusted to college extremely well and have made several friends and go to parties and shindigs and the like constantly and I'm having a great time, passing all my exams barely (the way it should be in first year), but he's getting worked up and stressed out because he's not getting like high 80's and stuff like he's used to. I have to admit it wasn't easy at the start of the start of the year and well we had a major break up which lasted the whole first term without ever talking to him, or anybody else in the year for awhile and then I just came out of my shell and started to interact with people.

He feels his family doesn't like him, but do love him, kind of odd but you know what I mean. I've never known him to be so demeaned have so little belief in himself, he honestly doesn't like himself and thinks(perhaps correctly) that if he doesn't like himself how can anybody else like him. His sisters think all of his problems stem from not wanting to except that he is gay, now he has never really asked himself that question before so he's at a lost to answer it, how do you know that you know gay if the possibility you might be has never crossed your mind. Thing is I don't think I'm 100 % straight myself, I think, not sure. I feel more towards him then I've ever felt for a woman, not physical but actual love, I think and maybe he feels the same and doesn't know what to do about it.

I go to college with no ambitions to make friends, with an I don't give a fuk attitude, and end up with a fist full of friends, he goes and makes and effort and ends up alone, and its frustrating because I can't tell him what to do, or how to change it, I think a little confidence is all he needs and not to be so fuking paranoid.

MojoMaker

Originally posted by worried
I've adjusted to college extremely well

Confusingly also posted by worried
lasted the whole first term without ever talking anybody else in the year and then I just came out of my shell and started to interact with people.

Brilliant adjustment :rolleyes:

Have you asked your friend out straight about his preferences? Even in a subtle fashion you must have discussed male/female relationships at some point during your teenage years, no?

moridin

Hmmm, a couple of issues here...

I think he's right when he says that if he doesn't like himself, if he's not comfortable in who he is, then he's going to find it hard to make friends and harder again to have a relationship with anyone.

I'd see that the first thing he should do (and that you can help him with) is to try to interact more socially with people - join some clubs and societies in college, get out and do something you enjoy... makes it a lot easier to talk to and get to know people if you have something in common!

As for the whole thing about being gay, I presume that you've discussed this with him if you know his sisters thoughts on it, or did she tell you herself? Have you talked to him and tried to find out what's at the root of all this?

LegacyUser

MojoMaker I really don't need sarcastic comments about this. I have adjusted extremely well to college, Just making the point that I Also had problems at the start of the year. I've tried to get him to socialize, I've always been the one that tried to get his to, but recently he's just seems cold,distant and wrapped up in his own little world on interested in mixing with people. Something's there that he's just not telling me, something sparked all this. I've never seen him this way and honestly I'm extremely worried about his mental health. He cut himself off at the start of the year from everyone and everything's, because that's what the head lecturer said to do, and I think now he's regretting not having a little fun.

Preferences: As I've said we both have zero experience in that way, so It's impossible to tell. Doesn't Help though if he is straight his family telling him he is gay and that all his problem will go away if he came out.

Placebo

you say he cut himself off from the rest of the year and yet you made friends with the rest of the year and yet YOU 2 still are best friends ? how is that possible, if he sits far away, go sit with him and let your friends follow, introduce him to your friends and get him into convos, talk about stuff he likes with them so he finds them intresting.

LegacyUser

As I've Said we had a bust up at the start of the year over something, only made peace over christmas. One of the reasons I didn't see this coming. I've tried to get him to mix with my friends, he thinks they all hate, but he has never really talked to any of them.

LegacyUser

Friend tried to kill himself last night, His problems go allot deeper then I ever imagined, I don't know what to do about it, its so hard to see him go through this and not be able to help, what should I do?

Delphi91

Get him to a counsellor ASAP, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming.

Anyone who attempts to take their own life has major problems. I read somewhere once that attempted suicide is a cry for help. He may not be able to vocalise it at the moment, but a counsellor/therapist should have the skills necessary to help him.

Can you talk to his family? Are they aware of his situation?

Mike

Silent Grape

y dont u ask him how u can help. tell him u are there for him no matter what. he's probably feeling like a giant burden so tell him how much u value him being in ur life etc etc. obviously he has to want to live for his own sake, not urs, but hearing 'i need u oin my life please dont die' is really important for a suicidal person to hear.

i hope it all goes well. encourage him to tell his family if they dont know. get help (if ur on the southside) from john of gods. u really have to demand it though.

gud luck.