ex/ new bf problems/ confusion!

Silent Grape

hey everybody, i think i just need to get this off my chest.

ive broke up with my bf of a year and nine months, two weeks ago. the relationship had gotton stale and boring and claustraphobic.
i was confident that a short break from each other would have it enormously. i needed to reclaim my independance and be ok on my own.

i have to admit, that i have quite a thing for a guy in my class in college, and this sort of forced me to look at my relationship critically. i havent liked anyone else apart from my ex in nearly three years, so i think this is a sign of how downhill the relationship is going. i do still love my ex, but in a different way.

ANYWAY, of course now me and the bf are on a 'break', i find out that this guy in college feels veeeeeery strongly towards me too. WELL i ended up kissing him. dont get me wrong, im not a kiss slut or anything of the sort, i only kiss ppl i care about, and i wud never ever cheat on a bf.,

i do care about this boy a lot, but it sort of screwed up my plan of eventually getting back with my ex. now im really scared, because all my friends are my exs friends, but theyre more his, if u know what i mean?

i really like this other guy, and i like myself mroe when im around him, as said, i havent felt this way about neone new in a very long time.

argh its all so confusing! shud take things slowly with this new guy, letting my exbf wait for me to make my mind up about whats happening, or shud i tellmy ex that ive moved on and therefore, lose the chance of getting back with him??

i dont want to hurt anybody, but it seems inevitable. ive learnt from the past thatt trying not to hurt anybody always ends up with me getting hurt.

help!

DUX

Let me guess what is going to happen: within a month you are back together with your ex bf and the only one who will get hurt will be this new guy.
You obviously love your ex, this guy will be soon forgotten.... poor him, I wonder why women do this.... :-)

Good luck!

Typedef

Fortune favours the brave SG.

Go with whichever one is more interesting or better yet, go with whichever one is the better lover.

Yes this would entail scientific investigation of the other party's .... credentials.

But if you marry the boyfriend on hold, in twenty years time, you might end up sitting at home, waiting for the hubby to come back from the mistress' place, fanticising about your long forgotten Mr Mystery man.

Failing that, have the two suitors do battle, and whichever one survives is the more suitable mate.

DapperGent

Originally posted by Typedef
Failing that, have the two suitors do battle, and whichever one survives is the more suitable mate.

I like the sound of this.

You! Bring me the New York Times! You two! Fight to the death!

Faith

Are you sure you're not confusing love of your ex with comfort and safety? Staying with him is taking no risks. You keep your "Friends" (Who're not your friends if they forget about you because you broke up with your boyfriend), you stay with a guy you know for years, and are comfortable with, and everything stays rosy... if boring and "stale".

What makes you think things will get better if you get back with your ex? Chances are, soon you'll fall back into your old routine, get married just because it seems like the next step, and end up regretting it.

I'd say try it out with this new guy. See how it goes for a few weeks, and if you still like him as much when you get to know him properly. If you don't, give your ex a call. If you do, stay with the new guy.

What you need to ask yourself is this: Why did you break up with your ex in the first place? And why did you plan on getting back together again anyway? What do you think will have changed? Is it just security you're after?

Silent Grape

i think u hit the nail on the head there faith. i broke up with him because everything was too comfortable and boring, i was only staying there because it wud be too bothersometo do anything about it. this new guy gave me a jolt into actually actng on my thoughts.

im not making any rash descisions and im letting everything be very casual for the time being

i just thought some independance wud change the relationship. but ur right, it probably wud just slither back into the old ways.

i do really care about the college guy (cant be forgotton unfortunately, same class, every day, nine till 4) i really feel like my life has moved on so much from two yrs ago, that now ive outgrown the relationship.

Typedef

Stop agonising.

Get college-guy drunk and throw yourself at him.... you know you want to.

leonotron

I think you should leave your old guy behind and see how things go with the new one. But at least have the decency to tell your ex that you don't want to be with him, using the break excuse is extremely unfair to him and very selfish of you. Break up with him properly, if you feel in a few weeks you want to get back with then call him and ask him to talk. But making him wait while you make your mind up just makes you seem like a b1tch, think of his feelings.

loismustdie

i've been in literally the same situation as you where i got back with my bf because i thought i still loved him but realised i didn't so we broke up again and i made the right decisionl. you and your bf broke up for a reason and any feelings you have for him at this stage is because you were with him so long. he's obviously not the right man for yo and even if you don;t get with the guy in your class youshouldn't be with your ex either

jerenaugrim

No easy answer. People are going to get hurt anyway, but that's life. Just do...whatever.

Agent Smith

Originally posted by DUX
Let me guess what is going to happen: within a month you are back together with your ex bf and the only one who will get hurt will be this new guy.
You obviously love your ex, this guy will be soon forgotten.... poor him, I wonder why women do this.... :-)

Good luck!

women are evil?

Silent Grape

surprisingly enough im not actually trying to be evil here.
however i did just 'officially' break up with the old bf, i feel like ****e, he was really pissed off, it was terrible.

planck2

SG,

As the old saying goes sometimes you've got to be cruel to be kind but in the right measure. You broke up with your ex because you say you felt the relationship had gone stale. Now from what you say you ex was pretty pissed when you broke it off, cleary, as my good friend would say, he doesn't feel the same way as you or maybe he was bored to, and didn't want the hassle of trying to find someone else and decided to stick with what he's got. However at the end of the day you've got to ask yourself am I getting what I want out of this relationship, and in the long run look out for your own needs to a certain extent because if you stay with someone because you don't want the hassle of breaking up with them and looking for someone else and not because you love them not only are you going to hurt yourself emotionally you also hurt someone else that while you still like them you don't actually love them. So in the long term I think your right SG and anybody whose not your friend because you broke up with their friend is a tosser and should cop themselves on.

LegacyUser

SG,

Ok, so you felt the relationship was getting stale and boring. Did you talk to you bf about this?

Every relationship (even "perfect" ones) can fall into a rut, where it might seem boring and stale, but if you became aware of it why did you not do something to bring it out of the rut.

It can be very easy to take the option of dumping your bf and hook up with this new guy, but what happens if this relationship takes off and years later you find yourself in a similar rut? Do you dump this guy because its gotten stale and boring?

Strong relationships need nurturing and attention, you've both gotta keep the ship afloat. Sometimes you run into these situations, you both deal with them and learn from them and the relationship can become stronger.

Not referring to you here SG, but I read these type of threads and most peoples advice seems to be "if its not working then get yourself out of it and be happy!". While that may be all well and good, what would the advice be if someone was married and feeling this way, separate?

If the relationship is something special then work is needed from both sides to make it last. If its not special, then get yourself out of it and be happy

Kambika

I guess its normal that a relationship falls into a routine after a while (I can sing you a song about that). What I think is that you just needed some of that special attention that you get when you meet someone for the first time. Now that you got that you can go back together with your ex boyfriend. And in a few months time when you get bored again you gonna have to look for a new flink. If you have the feeling that you depend on your ex boyfriend and that your life is so unexiting, you are the only person that can change something about that, its not your boyfriends fault.
And what makes you think that new guy would be better than your boyfriend ? I bet your boyfriend gave you the same feeling when you met him the first times.

Typedef

Originally posted by un_r.e.g
Not referring to you here SG, but I read these type of threads and most peoples advice seems to be "if its not working then get yourself out of it and be happy!". While that may be all well and good, what would the advice be if someone was married and feeling this way, separate?

Actually yes.

It's called seperation and then divorce, if it doesn't work out... 'GOD' won't get you, it's just tough luck, get on with your life and don't feel guilty about doing what's right for you.

That's not a license to treat people like shit, but, at the same time, there's no thanks in being a self-derogatory put, down artist, coerced into continuing with a dead relationship out of guilt.

Guilt:

Down with this sort of thing.

Silent Grape

im 20, not 45 and married.
ive been feeling like this for months. of course i tried to fix things, and i talked to him A ALOT about it, to no avail. im not pinning the blame on anybody, it just happened, no one did anything to make it get crappy.

my life is very exciting, the relationship was not. im not comparing the two boys, i tjsut think its fairly important, that for the first timein three years i have feeling for someone else, as i am fiercly loyal when it comes to boyfriends.

yeh i did feel great when i first started going out with my ex, but now its gone ****e. so whats ur point? at my stage in mylife i shudnt have to 'work at' a relationship,

ANYWAY it doesnt matter now because we're broken up. he doesnt want any communication at all from now on. which is fine, (except we have to go to college and work together) but i dont understand how a person can be in love with someone, and then want no contact whatsoever. hopefully he'll come round and we can be friends eventually.

tinkerbell

You gotta understand it from his point of view - the only way he will get over you is if you give him space, and maybe then you two can be friends. Jus give him some time on his own without buggin him to be your friend, otherwise it'll mess up his head.

And if if wasn't workin out, and you tried to make it work and talk to him, well at the end of the day, if you're not happy, and you've tried, then there's no point stickin with somethin unless you truly want to.

daveg

SG you sound like the relationship with your ex had come to an end. Imo the only thing you are doing wrong is telling your ex your on a break. You need to finish it completely or go back with him. You need to decide which you want though.

Tbh it sounds like you want to string along your ex a bit till you decide what to do. This is not fair. You need to make a decision and tell him.

][cEMAN**

Originally posted by Silent Grape
ANYWAY it doesnt matter now because we're broken up. he doesnt want any communication at all from now on. which is fine, (except we have to go to college and work together) but i dont understand how a person can be in love with someone, and then want no contact whatsoever. hopefully he'll come round and we can be friends eventually.

Probably because he's really hurt and upset, and seeing you or hearing your voice will make him more upset.

I've was in a relationship once when I was younger, that one night when I saw her (I was still in love with her) I ended up drinking myself silly and throwing up everywhere. Seeing her made me physically sick. Not in a bad way, but in a "my heart can't hurt any more and it's causing a knock on effect of pain to my stomache" kind of way.

Just think of your relationship with this other guy now. When you hear his name, does your heart jump? When you hear his voice, or when you see him does your pulse race? Well think of how intense that is, and think of it in direct reverse. Pain, hurting, anger, depression. That's probably why he's not looking to speak to you right now.

I'll say this though - if he's any kind of mature person, after a while when his feelings subside, he will want to be friends with you again (for the sake of the 3 years even). If he doesn't. then he doesn't really understand that you have to move on, and tbh in that situation, he wouldn't have been the right person to settle down with. It's not a good idea getting into a long term relationship with someone who isn't mature enough to deal with it.

People move on - accept it. You didn't do anything wrong as you had already seperated and were honest about your feelings when you had your break. The fact that you met someone else just led to quicken the breakup process, but if it was inevitable it's neither yours or his fault. He will learn to accept that in time, or you're better off without him.

hedgetrimmer

Originally posted by Silent Grape
i dont want to hurt anybody, but it seems inevitable. ive learnt from the past thatt trying not to hurt anybody always ends up with me getting hurt.
help!

Am going through something similar myself (6 yrs r/ship). People get hurt - this is not me callous, this is part of life. YOU have to make the decision that is right for YOU, irrespective of others. That may sound selfish, but the only person who can live your life is YOU. The alternative could be, for example, going back to the ex, realising 4-10-20 years down the line that you should have broken up back when, and having missed opportunities, etc etc

If the decision is right for YOU now, make it. People can deal with their own stuff, and you cannot be the comforter for your ex - that is what dragged me back before.

Silent Grape

thanks a million for ur replies. its definetly over, and im taking it nice and slowly with this other person, it has only been a couple of weeks after all.

i do miss him and think about him and im getting reall lonely and confused, but u have to go with ur gut in these situations.which is what im .hopefully doing.

thanks again

x

Silent Grape

oh dear lord he found out about me kissing new boy.
now there is zero chance of us being vaguely friends, let alone eventually getting back together (in the far far distant future, ie, im not stringing him along)
he went mental.

i really love him and care for him, i really REALLY didnt want him finding out about this, i was very careful who i told but somehow it got back to him.
he is so jealous and so possesive and untrusting. we've had many a fight about him not trusting me. now he thinks he has 'proof' that im untrustworthy. even though we were on a break. he called me a bitch.

im currently shellshocked. i think ill write him a letter or soemthing but i dont want to badger him. also, fromthe way he treated me when he called me im not even sure if i want any more communication either

sigh

Trojan

Sounds like you need a hug girl, no worries, sh!t happens. You're not going to get back with the guy now, and it's a sharp clean break. Painful but quicker over.

Your boy feels like sh!t, to be fair you can't really blame him for being a tad upset now

Maybe you were untrustworthy or not, but forget about the "on a break" (I don't think you should ever say that to him) . I think "breaks" should be made illegal, they cause more trouble... I think that if you were, you were probably untrustworthy due to his lack of trust more than any other reason. It was ending anyway.

It's painful now, but time heals & maybe you'll end up talking to him and getting closure sometime - depends on how mature you both are.

jerenaugrim

Forget about him, girl. Too many of us men are possessive idiots like that. Ispeak from experience. Mea culpa. Let him off.:dunno:

Silent Grape

yeh ur right. i only said the break thing to himbecause i wasnt able to bring myself to actually end it properly. and yeh im sure i shudve taken it a bit slower with the other person. going on a 'break' caused us trouble before i shudve known.

anyway im feeling a bit better about it now, im sure id feel terrible too if i found out he was with some randomer. i wudnt freak out at him about it tho.......\

anyway, thanks again for all the replies

m
x

Woden

well you have no official right to freak out about anything he does now though as your broke up with him he can go off and score all the randomers he wants, on the other hand he's quite allowed to get upset if your off with other people as he still cares for you and wants to be with you so obviously thats gonna hurt thats the rules

have you considered your on the rebound at all? do you think you'll look back on your current relationship with this guy in 6 months time if/when its all over and god that was such a rebound thing?

i say move on from you old relationship its over (you should have had the balls though to tell him that originally instead of leaving him hanging with the hope you'd get back with him and as a result keeping your options open at the same time which is nice for you but not for him) and good luck to you with the new relationship

data

planck2

you go data. this man knows what he's talking about.

Typedef

Yeah... rebound is a distinct possibility.


Scratch that... high probability.

Try not to get suckered into being fiercely loyal to your rebound college guy.

In fact if you have the following measurements... chuck the rebound guy and meet me for drinks

36,28,36...

Typedef:
muses on friends of his who are obvious rebounders

Silent Grape

well u already know about my need for sex.......so.......

Typedef

Know?

First hand evidence?

Before we proceed with this lurid internet flirt though.

Hourglass measurements?

Beruthiel

take your flirting to PMs Beths!

Typedef

Ah I don't know... since getting banned from PTH by Mr rebound or... his associated chick, the entire 'thrill' of the interweb has bled.

I'm trying for 2 for 2.

Silent Grape

sorry beruthiel, im just so happy that i CAN 'flirt'/beg for sex again




woohoo

bug

Ah I don't know... since getting banned from PTH by Mr rebound or... his associated chick, the entire 'thrill' of the interweb has bled.

this is a baseless comments without absolutley no insight and as such will be duly ignored, your'e access is there.

Silent Grape do what I did and move on to the better option.

this new guy gave me a jolt into actually acting on my thoughts

well it seems to me like you know you made the right decision from the start, and just needed to express them to get it together in your own head... much like I did, never thought it would be used against me..

Victor

Originally posted by Silent Grape
i wud never ever cheat on a bf.

You are not cheating if you are on a break.

Zulu

Originally posted by Silent Grape
surprisingly enough im not actually trying to be evil here.
however i did just 'officially' break up with the old bf, i feel like ****e, he was really pissed off, it was terrible.

Stringing him on isn't making life easy for him.
Cut ties, and go out with the new guy, it'll hurt, but so will everything else only worse.

If you REALLY love him - why would you want to break up? - you wouldn't.

Typedef

yawn

malico

shud take things slowly with this new guy, letting my exbf wait for me

**Hiss** **Spit**(Various cat noises)

Here's the answer to that part... if the roles were reveresed, would YOU like to be played, be strung along like a good obedient dog, waiting at hom to be fed, then eventually dies inside....


I'm guessing no.....

Silent Grape

i never said that malico, i dont know who did but it wasnt me.

anyway ive moved on, thanks again 4 all ur replies.

sorry to hear ur so bored typedef

Silent Grape

crap i did say that malico, but u left out the rest of the sentence so its all out of context!

as in ' shud i let my exbf wait for me to make up my mind about him' slightly different.


ANYWAY. as i said, ive moved on, thanks yet again