How to Ruin a Relationship

Walls

Lifted from P45 – This seem familiar to anyone else????

The following is a guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy relationships; they are truly multipurpose tools. This listing is for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied.

1. LIE. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married gets triple f*ck-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

2. AVOID SELF-KNOWLEDGE. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our talented researchers. When combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

3. BLAME the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

4. DISCLAIM RESPONSIBILITY. This is a little more complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as "co-dependency". The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing one's own desires and questions. This allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one's own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

5. PUSH. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts! It's a dog-eat-dog world, and you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily prosecutable.

6. PLAY on INSECURITY. This is an old favourite. Using sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f*ck-up tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar (or worse).

7. AVOID INTIMACY. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we're talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes -- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together". Substitute the words "sex" and "love" for each other often in conversations. Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want." Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2.
According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good "lines" fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other person.

8. DON'T TALK.Talking has been known to lead to REAL communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your f**k-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use clichés and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1. If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to do.

9. REMAIN technically faithful. For the ultimate meta-fu*k-up, remain faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize (figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster) for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.

UnrealQueen

I luv it:D it's brill:p

Johnny Versace

This post is too complicated for me

Trojan

Like we need help?

Sounds like a couple of ex's...

Dude111

Thank you for this list....

Its important to remember these IN A RELATIONSHIP

GLaDOS

Plan B: **** her sister

opinion guy

I believe I speak for many people when I say:
tl;dr

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

Premature ejaculation. End of.

Cookie_Monster

A swift roundhouse kick will end it nicely

PeterIanStaker

ScienceNerd wrote: »

Plan B: **** her sister

Plan C: **** her best friend.

ScienceNerd

ScienceNerd wrote: »

Plan B: **** her sister

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

Plan C: **** her best friend.

Plan both at once

Wibbs

Plan E, **** someone who claims her sister is her bestest friend. Cuts down on costs. Make a pass at her best male friend for full effect.

starbelgrade

How to ruin a relationship the easy way; get married. It is after all, a guaranteed cure for love!

Logical Fallacy

Plan F : **** her ma.

old_aussie

Thanks for those invaluable tips.

who the fug

Remove the gimp suit

Rookie mistake because once you let them out it is a bastard to get them back in

Walls

This is years old! I'm far more cynical by now.

PeterIanStaker

Logical Fallacy wrote: »

Plan F : **** her ma.

Plan G: go on Jeremy Kyle and admit you did

opinion guy

Plan H: **** her grandma.



.....I'll get me coat......

cherryghost

Plan H: Dig up a 6 year old thread.

And **** her ma too, I suppose.

Wazdakka

Plan Q..

Dig up a 6 year old.
/maddie

RobbieTheRobber

opinion guy wrote: »

Plan H: **** her grandma.



.....I'll get me coat......

cherryghost wrote: »

Plan H: Dig up a 6 year old thread.

And **** her ma too, I suppose.

Wazdakka wrote: »

Plan Q..

Dig up a 6 year old.
/maddie

Two plan H's and then straight to Q that should **** it up for sure

R0ot

Plan Z: Steal King Neptune's crown and blame it on Mr. Crab and finally get the secret formula to the crabby patty. :pac:

Brendog

shooting your partner in the face.

kylith

I've always found it easier to just end the relationship...

Brendog

kylith wrote: »

I've always found it easier to just end the relationship...

fin.

Sunnyisland

opinion guy wrote: »

I believe I speak for many people when I say:
tl;dr

what does tl;dr mean seen it around a few times

Sea Sharp

posted at 14:45 = fail.

Plan R: Brag to all her friends about how much you like masturbating.

opinion guy

realies wrote: »

what does tl;dr mean seen it around a few times

its intergeek speak for saying something is too long.

tl;dr = too long, didn't read

Sunnyisland

opinion guy wrote: »

its intergeek speak for saying something is too long.

tl;dr = too long, didn't read

Thank you opinion guy

GavRedKing

Do what a real man would do and not talk/txt/ring/see her for a few weeks, she should get the hint really.

Kimono-Girl

How to Ruin a Relationship= Go crazy? don't mind if i do!

Seriously though going crazy on their ass pretty much ruins it all :eek: