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How to Ruin a Relationship

  • 27-01-2004 2:16pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,258 ✭✭✭Walls


    Lifted from P45 – This seem familiar to anyone else????

    The following is a guide of carefully tested methods for making mistakes in relationships. With proper application and ingenuity, these methods may impair or destroy relationships; they are truly multipurpose tools. This listing is for your consideration; no liability expressed or implied.

    1. LIE. This is basic and effective. To maximize bad results, lie about something important to the other person(s) and arrange to be caught in the lie in such a way as to produce maximum shock. Additional stress points awarded for keeping the lie going for a while before discovery, which increases the disorientation and sense of betrayal in the deceived person(s). Lying about sex gets double points. Lying about being married gets triple f*ck-up points. Creative lies of omission (i.e. "not telling") with fancy rationalizations and condescension get gold stars.

    2. AVOID SELF-KNOWLEDGE. This is more elegant than strategy 1, as it combines a bold sweep of denial with sorties of distraction aimed at oneself. This tactic is most effective when combined with tactics 3 and 4. Self-destructive or addictive behaviour has also been found very effective in avoiding self-knowledge by our talented researchers. When combined with an endearing attitude of helplessness, this strategy has been proven efficacious in attracting "rescuers" or "white knights" on whom one can then practice strategies 4 and 3, in that order.

    3. BLAME the other person(s). If anything went wrong, hey, it must be their fault, right? This eliminates the need for messy things like communication and negotiation, which can be embarrassing, particularly if one is using strategy 2.

    4. DISCLAIM RESPONSIBILITY. This is a little more complex than strategy 3, and often includes what is referred to as "co-dependency". The classic way to play this strategy is to cater to the partner(s) involved while repressing one's own desires and questions. This allows a good head of resentment to build up, and one can justify anger by saying one has done so *much* for one's partner(s) and gets no thanks, etc. In its most refined state, this strategy makes the other person(s) responsible for setting the direction, pace and content of the relationship, for which one can them blame them if one's own expectations or needs are not met. Using strategy 2 to avoid knowledge of these expectations and needs gets double points.

    5. PUSH. This is an art, albeit a crude one. When augmented with strategy 6, pushing can achieve spectacular negative results in even a short time. Remember, when pushing, only *your* satisfaction counts! It's a dog-eat-dog world, and you're a pit bull. Emotional and mental bullying can be as satisfying as old-fashioned physical coercion, and not nearly as easily prosecutable.

    6. PLAY on INSECURITY. This is an old favourite. Using sexual insecurity as a weapon and combining this with strategy 5 is a four-star winner. Attempting to control one's partner(s) by manipulating them through their insecurities is a sure-fire f*ck-up tactic. It's so much more delicate than simply beating them up, too, though the resultant emotional damage can be remarkably similar (or worse).

    7. AVOID INTIMACY. This may seem paradoxical; after all, we're talking about getting up-close and personal with as many hot bi babes -- er, ahem -- we're discussing achieving satisfyingly close relationships with a number of people, right? The trick of avoiding intimacy can be performed in several ways, but the easiest is to confuse intimacy with "rubbing slippery bits together". Substitute the words "sex" and "love" for each other often in conversations. Repeat the mantra, "If you loved me, you'd know what I want." Practice strategy 8 assiduously, supplementing it with strategy 2.
    According to the needs of the moment, figure out whether action or words are more likely to be ambiguous or misconstrued, and go with what gives you the most plausible deniability later. Some exceptionally talented individuals manage to give the impression of being intimate while successfully remaining stone-cold. Study sales techniques for pointers. People with good "lines" fall into this category, especially if the lines include explanations of how they truly *value* the other person.

    8. DON'T TALK.Talking has been known to lead to REAL communication if practiced carelessly. Communication will seriously impair your f**k-up progress, and in certain cases will halt or reverse it entirely. If you *must* talk, use clichés and quotations from popular songs as much as possible, or fall back on strategy number 1. If all else fails, make a safer-sex agreement with your partner(s) and then break it, contracting a communicable disease about which you do not then tell them. Double points for avoiding all discussion or negotiation of sexual matters entirely so that the "agreement" is wishful thinking and completely deniable. For a coup de grace, add strategy 6 and tell them it wouldn't have happened if they had been satisfying you like they were supposed to do.

    9. REMAIN technically faithful. For the ultimate meta-fu*k-up, remain faithful to your partner while breaking the spirit of whatever agreement you have whenever possible, keeping this knowledge bottled up to ensure maximum fear, shame and resentment. Some people win the grand prize (figleaf-and-stinging-nettle cluster) for self-inflicted suffering and wasted potential by managing to keep this strategy up until death do them part, concealing from their spouse the fact that they have been shamming happiness all these years.


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,190 ✭✭✭UnrealQueen


    I luv it:D it's brill:p


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,166 ✭✭✭Johnny Versace


    This post is too complicated for me


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,414 ✭✭✭✭Trojan


    Like we need help? :)

    Sounds like a couple of ex's... ;)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,771 ✭✭✭Dude111


    Thank you for this list....

    Its important to remember these IN A RELATIONSHIP :)


  • Moderators, Regional East Moderators Posts: 23,239 Mod ✭✭✭✭GLaDOS


    Plan B: **** her sister

    Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test



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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    I believe I speak for many people when I say:
    tl;dr


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,791 ✭✭✭Big Pussy Bonpensiero


    Premature ejaculation. End of.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,563 ✭✭✭✭Cookie_Monster


    A swift roundhouse kick will end it nicely


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭PeterIanStaker


    Plan B: **** her sister

    Plan C: **** her best friend.


  • Posts: 0 CMod ✭✭✭✭ Aylin Kind Ballerina


    Plan B: **** her sister
    Plan C: **** her best friend.

    Plan D: both at once


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  • Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,290 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    Plan E, **** someone who claims her sister is her bestest friend. Cuts down on costs. Make a pass at her best male friend for full effect.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



  • Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    How to ruin a relationship the easy way; get married. It is after all, a guaranteed cure for love!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,933 ✭✭✭Logical Fallacy


    Plan F : **** her ma.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,410 ✭✭✭old_aussie


    Thanks for those invaluable tips. :D


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,041 ✭✭✭who the fug


    Remove the gimp suit

    Rookie mistake because once you let them out it is a bastard to get them back in


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,258 ✭✭✭Walls


    This is years old! I'm far more cynical by now.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,072 ✭✭✭PeterIanStaker


    Plan F : **** her ma.

    Plan G: go on Jeremy Kyle and admit you did :D


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    Plan H: **** her grandma.



    .....I'll get me coat......


  • Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 17,150 Mod ✭✭✭✭cherryghost


    Plan H: Dig up a 6 year old thread.

    And **** her ma too, I suppose.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,467 ✭✭✭Wazdakka


    Plan Q..

    Dig up a 6 year old.
    /maddie


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,002 ✭✭✭RobbieTheRobber


    Plan H: **** her grandma.



    .....I'll get me coat......
    Plan H: Dig up a 6 year old thread.

    And **** her ma too, I suppose.
    Wazdakka wrote: »
    Plan Q..

    Dig up a 6 year old.
    /maddie





    Two plan H's and then straight to Q that should **** it up for sure

    Most self proclaimed free speech absolutists are giant big whiny snowflakes!



  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,473 ✭✭✭R0ot


    Plan Z: Steal King Neptune's crown and blame it on Mr. Crab and finally get the secret formula to the crabby patty. :pac:


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,976 ✭✭✭Brendog


    shooting your partner in the face.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 17,739 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    I've always found it easier to just end the relationship...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,976 ✭✭✭Brendog


    kylith wrote: »
    I've always found it easier to just end the relationship...



    fin.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    I believe I speak for many people when I say:
    tl;dr





    :o what does tl;dr mean :o seen it around a few times


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,593 ✭✭✭Sea Sharp


    posted at 14:45 = fail.

    Plan R: Brag to all her friends about how much you like masturbating.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 11,001 ✭✭✭✭opinion guy


    realies wrote: »
    :o what does tl;dr mean :o seen it around a few times


    its intergeek speak for saying something is too long.

    tl;dr = too long, didn't read


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 10,562 ✭✭✭✭Sunnyisland


    its intergeek speak for saying something is too long.

    tl;dr = too long, didn't read





    Thank you opinion guy ;)


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 53,267 ✭✭✭✭GavRedKing


    Do what a real man would do and not talk/txt/ring/see her for a few weeks, she should get the hint really.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 3,160 ✭✭✭Kimono-Girl


    How to Ruin a Relationship= Go crazy? don't mind if i do! :D

    Seriously though going crazy on their ass pretty much ruins it all :eek:


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