When to Intervene...It's a long one!

bugler

I apologise for the length of this, but I feel like leaving bits out just wouldn't convey what happened. If you even finish this you have my thanks, whether or not you have much to add. This may at the outset seem like another relationship issue..but it's actually more serious than that.

Over the last few months I was involved with this girl who I really liked for some time. She was always a complicated person, this I knew and I wasn't put off...she has family/personal issues. However, prior to us ever being together a very close friend of hers died suddenly. I didn't know the friend, or know much of their friendship, but from what I hear they were very close and it upset her grievously.

After we had been together a couple of times I let it be known that I liked her a lot, and wouldn't mind making a go of it together. She was unsure...and to be honest I wasn't surprised given her recent trials. So I backed off. But at the same time I was getting mixed signals..she'd still text me and so on. So things stayed casual. This continued til the day of my graduation...I'd hoped to see her that night, and happily over dinner I received a text from her, congratulating me and saying she'd see me later. To cut the story short..later that night I did see her. She was quite drunk, and the end result was that she told me we should finish things, as I liked her more than she did me, and essentially she wasn't prepared to stop seeing other people. I was crushed..and felt she'd been a bit harsh/tactless..not to mention giving me mixed signals.

I took it on the chin. Tried not to hold it against her, made an effort to be polite and chatty when we met. It was awkward. This coolness continued until just before Christmas, when on the last night of exams we met up on the night out (We share quite a few mutual friends). She was drunk...she apologised to me..I sort of did too to her, as though I was angry with what had happened I sort of came to realise that I'd never lost a really really close friend and though I might speculate how I'd react I just didn't know. She reiterated that she didn't really see things happening long term for us, but that she did care for me. We kissed. I stayed at hers that night.

The next day we got up, and thankfully there was none of the after-morning awkwardness that comes with drunken regrets. Though I would hardly have thought scoring each other again could have helped matters..it did somehow. Before I left she asked me if I was going to call her over Christmas on her birthday when she was abroad. I said I would, and I tried, but as we both sort of knew her mobile wouldn't work over there (it doesn't matter where) I never got through. Soon as she was back I texted her wishing her a belated happy birthday and so on. She responded, things were alright...

She called me after New Years sometime, we chatted, got on fine. She said she'd see me when we got back to college. I was a little confused I have to say. I was cautious too...she'd hurt me once and I didn't want it to happen again. We got back to college..she texted me one night asking me out for a drink, I couldn't make it. A few days later we met up in college by accident and went for coffee along with her roommate who is also a friend of mine. We had the coffee, talked, went back to her place, had tea...watched a video.

We're starting to get the focal point of the story now...hang in there.

I left her place and she had been asking was I going out that night (her roommate was). I said I might be..she said she had hardly a penny to her name and couldn't afford to. I went out for a few pints. Got a text from her off friend's fone asking me if I was going out. Went to the pub and met her. She was drunk. She started asking me if I didn't like her anymore..as she found me confusing and had got this idea somehow. I told her I did like her...we decided to go talk and ditch the idea of going to a club.

So we did...she said she had made some serious realisations lately, and she had a lot to tell me. She then went on to talk at length about how she found it hard to trust people...and how to be honest all she longed for was some stability. She also made a point of saying that she has never had a sober relationship in her life. Though obviously she had been with people while sober..they all seemed to be based on drunkenness. She said she wanted to try having her first sober relationship with me. I was happy. But she was drunk. We spent the night together..in the morning I asked her if she meant what she had said and she repeated that she did want to try us together. She seemed really happy, was very affectionate and we stayed together in bed until around 2 in the day. She left, I said I'd call her later (she had no credit...as she had no money...yet still she drinks...).

I put some credit in her fone through an ATM that night, and texted her telling her. Didn't get any response...thought it was delayed going in..it does that sometimes. I went to bed, but was awoken by a fone call at 1 am from her. She'd gone out again, and had left the fone behind. I knew at this stage that this wasn't good. She said she'd see me the day after.

I did see her the day after, when she texted me telling me she was in a winebar with a couple of friends and asking me to come in. It was 4 pm roughly. It would only be later when I learned that this was basically her 5th/6th day of drinking in a row. A doubly impressive achievement considering she had no cash. I went and met her, we talked away...she seemed ok...but deep down I knew that the fact she was drinking again wasn't good...this relationship was only a day old..and it wasn't sober.

She was leaving the pub to go home and get changed, I took the chance to get her alone and left with her. I asked her what was up with her...she basically said she didn't want a relationship..could hardly look me in the eye..accused me of being too controlling (remember two nights before when she had to ask if I still liked her?) and stated she didn't think we had much in common. I got angry and upset...I couldn't believe she'd done this again...this time much worse. She went on to say how this is why she "is a great friend but a bad girlfriend...I'm not trustworthy..this is how I am...I'm a drunk and I say things I don't mean..." among other things.

Ordinarily she is kind, generous and compassionate. But when she was speaking to me now she was cruel and insensitive, and was saying things she knew weren't true. I left her telling her that if she wanted to speak to me then to get in touch, but to do so sober. A day or so later I saw going into the college bar with a friend of her. I don't know how long they were there...but I'm fairly sure they weren't drinking tea.

That was almost a week ago. I haven't spoken to her since. I've seen her and her me, but we've just avoided each other, even at a close friend of ours birthday drinks.
I don't know what I'd say to her if we met, except for the fact that I'm fairly sure she's an alcoholic. She drank at least 6 days in a row last week, possibly more. When sober as I said she's a kind and thoughtful person. When she's drunk things seem like they can go either way...often tending toward a total personality change, making her vindictive and plain hurtful. She has also started driving away close friends of hers. She doesn't really tell her roommate, who would be seen as aher best friend, anything. Another friend of hers is leaving for home despite having come to live near her...she readily admitted to me the other night that she has basically ignored her. In my opinion she has surrounded herself with people who don't know her very well or care about her very much, and are only too happy to watch her drink herself into a stupor for days at a time.

I had a friend who killed himself before. We weren't very close or anything, but I know he had had problems with depression and then became an alcoholic, then killed himself.

I can't say in all honesty that I don't want to get back with this girl, and the thought that if she was sober this could happen has occurred to me, but I'd like to think that my main concern here is that she's ruining her life, and it could easily end in her death. I decided to ask some of our mutual friends what they thought of her drinking...I only got to ask one so far..who agreed she had a problem, but warned that if I was to put this to some of our other friends (who in theory at least should be closer to her) they'd deny it. I'm not afraid of speaking out with an unpopular viewpoint if I think it's right. I believe that if something wrong is happening before you, then you ought to do something about it if you can. This is true for strangers, this is doubly true for friends. Though I am angry and upset with this girl, I bear her no animosity, and even god help me, I still like her. I just don't think the "her" that comes to the surface when drunk is her at all.

I'm not going to ask any questions here. I realise my options are A) Do nothing. It's up to people themselves to realise their problems and deal with them. Tell some of her closer friends of my concerns...I don't know how they'll react. C) Just go to her myself and try and get her to get help.

I'd appreciate your input, and thanks for reading it if you got to this point.

mr_angry

Personally, I think you have 3 similar options:

1. Go to her yourself (preferably while she's sober) and tell her that you'd like her to discretely get help for her problem. Don't come on too strong. This will most likely be futile, but its worth a shot.

2. Find someone she respects, and try to get them to see your point of view. If the "advice" comes from someone she respects, then it might stand a better chance of getting through to her.

3. If the above fail, just steer well clear. If she wont accept advice, and she's continuing to drink, then I don't think there's anything else you can do, and staying involved will only likely drag you into a very messy situation.

I haven't really got much experience with this, so use your own discretion with that advice. The only example I can think of is a friend of mine who used to drink uncontrollably. One night, he was so bad, I had to carry him down the street, and ring my Dad to give him a lift home. My Dad didn't say a harsh word to him, but because he respected him, and didn't like him seeing him unable to stand, he admitted he had a problem, and sorted out his drinking.

Just keep your fingers crossed that deep-down she actually wants to be helped.

raphaelS

Originally posted by mr_angry
2. Find someone she respects, and try to get them to see your point of view. If the "advice" comes from someone she respects, then it might stand a better chance of getting through to her.

I am agree with Mr Angy and maybe try both 1 and 2: talk to her when she's sober and offer your help, this might be a huge task because I think that you should be every evening with her doing something else (video, movies, theatre,.. and no pubs!)...
And if it doesn't work maybe you can get in touch with her parents, sisters, brothers?!

Good luck anyway!

Raphael

tte

Im the only one who thinks this is waaaaayyy to much hassle and drama.
Seriously mate dont take offence but there millions a sober non boozed up college chicks out there.Get one of the good ones!

Beruthiel

If it were me, I'd run a mile
sorry
but you are not so involved with her yet that you can't do that without too much pain.
she does have a problem and she does need help, but you know well enough that this is something she is going to have to sort out herself and no amount of what you say to her will make the slightest bit of difference until she's ready to give up in her own good time.
if you stay with her your relationship will be much the same as you have discribed above, do you really want all that extra grief? relationships are hard enough to keep together as it is without all that extra stuff on top of it. We can wish all we want about how things will turn out when we like someone a lot, but reality is a different kettle of fish
I know it's not what you want to hear, but in the long run, you've got to think of yourself here

I am MAN

Pay less attention, get yourself out of it.

RUN RUN RUN

uberwolf

copy the above post to ur faculty chaplain? ur name omitted... ?
there- you don't have to deal with and you have no guilt.

tinkerbell

Like the others have said: RUN LIKE THE WIND!!!

Seriously though, I mean you ain't even that great friends with her, and she jus seems to be wreckin your head. You can try and get her to stop drinkin, but do you really think she's worth it? There are tons of more college girls out there! The thing is, do you want to stay friends with this girl? Stayin friends is okay but if ya get "involved" with her again, you'll prolly get hurt coz she seems to keep doin it.

Agent Smith

your right, thats a long one!


i second the "run like the wind"

Dempsey

Try to talk to her, but if she is unwilling go with option 3 there mate. Only so much you can do.

flogen

there is no question that she has a problem, her binge drinking and dependence on drink to express emotion is a clear sign that shes trying to avoid her issues but can only do so when shes too drunk to remember them.

The fact is if she wont get help, theres nothing you can do. i would recommend Mentioning it to her that you like her but are worried about how much shes been drinking etc etc, chances are she wont want to do anything, as her issues seem very deep rooted and it would be hard for anyone to convince her.
But if she does refuse help, or deny any problem exists, then you just have to move on. as was said before, if you stay around too long you'll get sucked in and your life wont be worth living because your emotions will be in tatters from the way she treats people close to her.
But dont feel guilty, you can only offer help, forcing it on someone is pointless, if she wants to drink, she can see all the doctors and psychologists in the world, and she'll still end up back in a pub afterwards.

Flogen

jerenaugrim

I'd say, get her when she's sober, have a talk with her, tell her exactly what you've told us. Then walk away. If she wants you, she'll get in touch. If she wants your help with the booze issue, I'd say ye don't seem to know each other well enough or long enough for you to take that on. I can see it's wrecking your head, but try to keep your attraction to her seperate from her issues. There are enough kind people out there for you. Having said all of which, I spent a couple of years going out with a girl with real issues, loved her madly, still do, and walked away eventually- had to. But I wouldn't change a thing. It was head- and heart-wrecking, it was brilliant, it was horrible, it had to end. You might have to go thru this. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember that your first duty of care is to yourself, and do whatever that tells you to do.

rs

I think I agree with the general trend here. Talk to her, and try to get her to seek some help. Then detach.

Usually, from what I've seen, this situation is the other way round. Girl tries to save alcoholic man. It almost always seems to go like this.

man continues to drink and use drugs.
man cheats on girl consistently.
man stays the same, or gets worse because someone is always there to look after him.
girl becomes total mess, has no self-esteem, and generally has miserable life until she leaves.

But it works both ways. Like anyone with a problem, she has to accept she has a problem and start to deal with it. Otherwise it's a downward spiral, and one that you'll most likely get sucked into if you stay too close.

Good luck

LegacyUser

(I'm a reg user, don't like to post reg'd in this case)

I've been in a relationship which was vaguely similar. I speak from hurt experience that the advice offered by others here is the best thing you can do - get away from this girl asap.

I understand how and why you're still attracted to her and care about her, but you're going to end up getting very hurt in this situation if you continue.

Get out, don't even try and remain friends. If you do, you'll get drawn back into it and get hurt more. Maybe you can be friends with her in 6 or 12 months time, but you can't right now. Don't try!

Like I said, I speak from similar experience here, but I know that you'll find it difficult to follow the advice - people always want to take the risk, make their own mistakes, that's fair enough. Just remember, try to detach emotionally. I advise you to start chatting up other women, join the gym, don't spend time thinking about this girl, there are plenty of good women out there (no, it's not a joke)

Good luck.
AC.