Possibly messed up with the best thing that has happened to me

LegacyUser

Okay. I'll try to keep this short. I met a girl over the christmas and we immediately connected. I am really in to her and hope that things will progress. We've gone out with each other may be 7 or 8 times over the past few weeks. But, I have an issue with myself where I have a hard time showing my affection. Now, this is not a problem between me and her but with more with me in general. But she is viewing it as a problem with me and her as in may be I don't have any true feelings for her. Previous girl friends have said this to me in the past. I don't want to lose her over something that I can control and overcome.

Simple things like putting my arm around her or giving her a kiss can sometimes be a monumental thing, but once it's actually happening then that all goes away.

Now, the only thing is, she has also thought about it and sees my apparent lack of affection as me not wanting to be with her, which is so far from the truth its' not to be laughed at. I do want to be with her. Now I have an uphill battle, not only do I need to prove to her that I have feelings for her and how much I want to show them to her through affection, but I also have to convince her that this problem is with me. She doesn't want to look upon me as having to change for her, but the way I look at it I have to change for myself else this kind of thing will keep on happening.

Any advice would be appreciated, like how I should put all this across to her.

Victor

First time is always difficult - the precedent barrier needs to be broken. However, I think I can understand ongoing difficulties - at the moment I try to avoid contact with as many people as possible.

You think you are on to a good thing? Stick with it, explain to her that sometimes you have difficulty being close to people, that it is your personality, not this particular relationship - it's who you are, but that you realise that you really like her (like not love) and that you are trying. Explain that you would gradually like to develop the relationship rather than have a "boom and bust" situation. Ask for her to help - I'm not sure what this means in practice, but simply by asking for help, you are getting over part of the barrier. Try some roleplaying or fantasing with her

Finally, you don't need to do or be anything for someone else if you don't feel comfortable with it. This is not to say she is forcing you, but that a relationship has two or more sides.

PS At some stage, in private, hop her bones, without warning. She might appreciate it.

jonno

I agree with Victor with alot that he has said.

Explain exactly what is going on with you ATM and what the problem? And as Victor said ask her to help you with it and I guess she might appreciate your problem more if you do ask her for help with it. If indeed she feels the same about you as you obviously do about her then she will see this request for help as a step forward and that you do want to be with her.

Apart from that I can't think of anything else. Victor seems to have it covered. One thing. Talk to her about this ASAP as you dont want to leave her thinking. Girls can come up with some very mad ideas if you let them think;)

Good Luck

Agent Smith

again



TALK TO HER !





woman are scary beasts....


Remember, hell haith no fury like a woman scorned!

imp

I see someone's in the same boat as me...

I'm not quite sure what advice I can give except for this:

Do something. Not too long ago I pretty much single-handedly destroyed what would've potentially been the best relationship i've ever been in, just because of this problem. If, like me, you realise the times that you have an opportunity to show your affection and don't, then just bite the bullet and do it. You have to be able to take some initiative sometimes and do this. Also, as Victor et al said, talk to her about it. You have to assure her that there is nothing wrong with her and that you do like her (a lot, it seems) and that you want to change because she is that important to you.

Dunno if this helps, but that's my 2c.

}:>

Sleepy

Give her flowers at an unexpected time. Trust me, any idle tuesday will do. If she asks what they're for, answer "just cos" and smile.

Walls

Hello, a little offering from the women's camp here. Women are, when it comes to romantic problems, generous and understanding. If you explain to her that you have feelings of affection but would like time, space and a safe blanket to learn to express it in a routine matter, she will nod, grateful for being placed in your confidence and in all probability express her own such fears so as to extend her understanding. But by keeping her informed, she's unable to let her own dark interpretations of your behavior block any chances for conversation.

However, if you keep her in the dark as to your motives, fears and expectations, she will not have any other interpretation that to think "He's had his fun, he's going cold and distant so as to make me remove myself from the situation." So if you are serious about it, just talk to her. Her fondness for you will happily extend bridges between you and her to keep things going.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys and gal, this has been helpful to me.

Walls

No problem.

This topic has been mentioned before in other threads, so it would be interesting to get some feed back on what happened next. Let us know how things turn out.

Trojan

Originally posted by Walls
Hello, a little offering from the women's camp here.
<snip>

Bang on the money there from Walls (male perspective - this female perspective is correct ).

Sometimes I wonder about the use of giving people this kind of relationship advice - does it really help as much as one would hope? Maybe I'm just being pessimistic here: I think people have to go through several learning experiences similar to this situation before they can truly learn about how a relationship really works and what's necessary. We learn best from our mistakes.

That's the neg aspect. As for the positive - original poster, follow Walls advice and you're in a much better place.

Al.

Victor

Originally posted by imp
and that you want to change because she is that important to you.

Evolve, not change. She is not to manufacture you.

Walls

Originally posted by Trojan
Bang on the money there from Walls (male perspective - this female perspective is correct ).

Sometimes I wonder about the use of giving people this kind of relationship advice - does it really help as much as one would hope? Maybe I'm just being pessimistic here: I think people have to go through several learning experiences similar to this situation before they can truly learn about how a relationship really works and what's necessary. We learn best from our mistakes.

That's the neg aspect. As for the positive - original poster, follow Walls advice and you're in a much better place.

Al.

<blush> oh you.

I know what you mean with regard to giving advice. Folks ask for it, you have to believe that they are at least open to what you might have to say...but if there's no real way to know what use it is or if it is indeed regarded as of any real worth at all. Sure, time heals all wounds, in any case.

loismustdie

advice - show her this thread, if you're serious about someone don't avoid any communication and aim to be completely honest