a few jokes to keep ye going

waffles · 13-01-2004 3:39pm #1

>There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get
an
>erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and and
goes
>to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally
>makes the diagnosis.
>
>"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad
news is
>that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no
>cure."
>
>The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure. "So
what's
>the good news?" he asks.
>
>The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but
there
>are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby
>elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
>
>The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going
>through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me.
What
>have I got to lose? Let's do it."
>
>So the doctor performs the operation.
>A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice
restaurant to
>celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a
>stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it
reaches the
>point of being painful. Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his
fly
>to relieve some of the pressure.
>
>Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and
>grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
>
>"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do
that
>again?"
>
>Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know
if I
>can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>An old couple was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor's office
when
>the nurse came out and said, "Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that he
needs
>you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample before
he
>examines you."
>
>The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said,
"What
>did you say?"
>
>The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly, "We're going to
need
>you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample, Mr.
Jones."
>
>The old man leaned forward and said, "What did you say, young lady?",
then
>turning to his wife next to him he shouted, "what'd she say?"
>
>His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear, "She said she wants your
>shorts!"
>
>
>
>A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She
>asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
you
>but I don't want to offend you."
>
>She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am
>and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and
hear
>just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or
ask
>that I would find offensive."
>
>"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on
me."
>
>She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
>1) you have to be single and
>2) you must be Catholic."
>
>The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic
>too!"
>
>The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
>
>He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on
the
>road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out. "My dear child, why
are
>you crying?"
>
>"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm
married
>and I'm Jewish."
>
>The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween
>Party."
>
>
>
>
>
>An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a
source of
>water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling
through
>the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a
>sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead
>of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers
>that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a
drop
>or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a
genie.
>
>"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
>wishes."
>
>"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
>genie!"
>
>"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
>
>The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
>right.
>
>"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
>
>***POOF***
>
>The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he
>is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
>
>"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
>
>"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."
>
>***POOF***
>
>The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold
>coins and precious gems.
>
>"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
>
>After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white
and
>surrounded by beautiful women."
>
>***POOF***
>
>The Arab is turned into a Tampax.
>
>The MORAL of the story is:
>
>Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Guide To The Male Vocabulary
>
>
>Statement: "Haven't I seen you before?"
>True Meaning: "Nice ass."
>
>Statement: "I'm a Romantic."
>True Meaning: "I'm poor."
>
>Statement: "I need you."
>True Meaning: "My hand is tired."
>
>Statement: "I am different from all the other guys."
>True Meaning: "I am not circumcised."
>
>Statement: "I want a commitment."
>True Meaning: "I'm sick of masturbation."
>
>Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
>True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
>
>Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."
>True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."
>
>Statement: "It's just orange juice, try it."
>True Meaning: "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."
>
>Statement: "She's kinda cute."
>True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the
head
>might be necessary."
>
>Statement: "I don't know if I like her."
>True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."
>
>Statement: "I miss you so much."
>True Meaning: "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look
>good."
>
>Statement: "Was it good for you?"
>True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."
>
>Statement: "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
>True Meaning: "Is my penis really that small?"
>
>Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."
>True Meaning: "Who the hell are you?"
>
>Statement: "Do you love me?"
>True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."
>
>Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"
>True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out
>sooner or later."
>
>Statement: "How much do you love me?"
>True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on
their way
>to tell you by now."
>
>Statement: "I have something to tell you."
>True Meaning: "Get tested."
>
>Statement: "I'll give you a call."
>True Meaning: "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than
see
>you again."
>
>Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."
>True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
>
>Statement: "I think we should just be friends."
>True Meaning: "You're ugly."
>
>Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."
>True Meaning: "Next!!!!"
>
>Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"
>True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."
>