Relationship Advice

LegacyUser

Ok this is prolly gonna be longish. Well basically ive been goin out with a girl for 8 months now, my first girlfriend, first love etc etc, lost my virginity with her, as she did with me, done an awful lot of cool things together, told each other we loved each other and really enjoyed my time with her. She lives about 65 miles away from me, can get there in an hour on a good day. Im just after finishing first semester of first year at uni in tcd and absolutely loved it, hardly went out for her sake and to make things easier on her. She's the particullarly obsessive and control freak kind, always txtin asking where im at and ringing at random times to try and catch me out etc etc. I always say to her u dont trust me but she says she does and that "id be the same" etc etc. WELL ANYWAY she's just awfully ungrateful i feel, i borrow my brothers car to go see her normally at weekends, for which i always fill her up with diesel and clean it out n basically look after it for him and entertain her and go out out cinema and stay at her house for a nite or wotever, which costs a ball of money and she never says thanks and just totally takes it for granted i think, and says crap like if u loved me it wudnt matter and all this nonesense. But anyways its gettin really tiring on me and every1 else around me, i really really miss going out with the lads, i can honestly say i have went out a few times behind her back w/o tellin her and i talked to girls but i didnt feel tempted and i really do like her but i just love telling stupid stories and talking ****e with my mates when im out. It'll be another year n a half before she's at uni. Everyone tells me im messing out on the best years of my life bla bla bla and im just totally ****in confused about this. Im a fairly logical fella normally but i just cant seem to get my head round what i should do. This is driving me insane atm, i just feel trapped or something and its my first relationship and if any of you wise old ppl can tell me any ideas then fire away, thanks in advance

Skud

I'm in a similar sitaution as yourself... My gf lets me go out though. You need time with your friends as you can see by sneaking out. Just tell her she's not the boss of you, you need to go out with friends etc and if there is a problem that she doesn't go along with this then she doesn't trust you and you shouldn't be together... You can sort it out and in retrospect it is a minor problem that has accumulated. Don't listen to what your freinds say, the best thing for you is what you want. She needs to know how you feel...

tinkerbell

A healthy relationship is all about maintaining balance, as well as trust.

You both need to be able to have separate lives as well as being a unit, or else you'll jus go insane (which you say you are goin now!) You need to see your mates without having to hide it, it ain't fair on you! If she's actin like that, then she doesn't trust you at all. Maybe she's jus really insecure or have you done something to make her feel wary of trusting you? If tiz the latter, then you'll jus have to work really hard to get her trust back. But if it's that she's jus really insecure, tell her that she'll jus have to trust you. By not trusting you, she's gonna drive you away anyway.

You'll have to talk to her about it. Get her to visit you at weekends instead of you always going up there, that ain't really fair on you either. Sounds to me like you're doing all the running, and it ain't healthy that she's ringing you all the time trying to "catch you out".

Originally posted by Skud
My gf lets me go out though.

Listen to yourselves! Men have fought and died for centuries to free themselves from the shackles of slavery and what do you do?

ugh I'm so disgusted

TheWolf

Sorry, couldn't resist

Seriously though, have you told her how she is making you feel? If you don't tell her, how is she to know your not happy? Might seem difficult, but really talking is the only way you can sort it out in the long run

tinkerbell

Originally posted by utility_
Listen to yourselves! Men have fought and died for centuries to free themselves from the shackles of slavery and what do you do?

ugh I'm so disgusted

I agree! If tiz come to the point where you feel you have to ask to go out without your other half, then there is a major problem, and it needs sorting out asap, otherwise tiz jus gonna get a hell of a lot worse in the long run.

Gummy Panda

Originally posted by utility_
Listen to yourselves! Men have fought and died for centuries to free themselves from the shackles of slavery and what do you do?

ugh I'm so disgusted

utility_,

I get more impressed with your posts everyday. You're right. I've seen friends go down that path and have experience myself until i realised what a twat i was being.

Don't ever give up your friends for a woman. The moment you do she will always be in control. Tell her that you can't run after her all the time. If she becomes unreasonable, blank her for a day or two. Let her know what she'll miss if she keeps up the control freak act.

Sleepy

It sounds to me like you already know what you have to do and you're here looking for a moral assertion that you're not being a bastard for dumping her. You aren't. She's being unreasonable, tell her straight out that any more of this nonsense will end it all. Put the ball in her court and if she can't behave herself, ditch her.

A little harsh maybe, but you can't be expected to ruin your college days over her insecurities...

yossarin

If you drag it out like you're doing but don't change the situation out of guilt then you'll resent her forever

Atreides

Hmm, in four years time your going to turn around and realize all she did was hold you back. Its very destructive when a relationship goes on longer then it should. You only get this chance once in your life, don't waste it. I'd put good money one her dumping you when she hits college if you last that long. Just strikes me as very very selfish. Do you really think you should feel ashamed for speaking to a.. omg another woman. Seriously dude this type of controlling isn't good. I know its though, first love is always a bitch on a guy. I don't know a single one of my friends that haven't been messed up by their first love.

usualsuspect

It's not a question of IF you will break up, it is just a question of WHEN and HOW.

I heard on the radio the other day that dumping people by text is the latest thing, because you don't have to put up with their crying on the other end of the phone, it leaves no written evidence (that could be pinned on a noticeboard or handed around to friends) and you can easily turn your phone off or buy a new SIM card if she doesn't get the message and leave you the hell alone. It also would help if she have any cute friends...you could start the ball rolling by confiding in them how bad you feel but she just isn't fulfilling your needs anymore, physically socially or mentally, maybe they will pass the message on to her for you and who knows maybe you'll get a shag out of it as well...good luck

][cEMAN**

From the sounds of it she might be feeling very insecure about herself and about men in general. When someone goes on like that they don't really love you, they just think they do. They're projecting their need to fulfill something missing in their lives onto a relationship and basing everything on that. The fact that she sounds so selfish/resentful of your wishes to go out would be a good indication of these problems raising their head.

It's simple - if you love her but she doesn't really love you and is just using your relationship as a crutch, it's going to mess both of you up in the long run. So say it to her straight. Just say "Hey I do go out of my way to make you happy, and you don't seem to be appreciative of that at all. You say if I really love you it wouldn't matter....well hey if you really loved me you wouldn't see the problem in every now and again saying thanks for things. Being in love means never having to say sorry or thank you, but it doesn't mean you don't do it - infact it makes it better when you say it when you don't have to. Also I need 'ME TIME'. I have friends that although 'us' is great, I need time with them as well. You can't hold me back from that. If you can't accept it then maybe you need to take a long hard look at wether you really do love me or if you are just using me".

If she can't accept you doing your own thing then the relationship is doomed, and if she's this selfish now, as said before, she will only get worse. Ultimatums are ****ty, but sometimes they're necessary to snap somebody out of a dream and let them see what's going on around them. If she does love you she needs to learn trust. If she can't trust you, give up completely because it's over already - you just both don't see it yet.

uberwolf

on top of the insecure thing or maybe part of it, is th efact that she's only in 5th yr?
so she young. you have college girls etc. Maybe you ought to go out, break HER rules, etc, and see what you make of it. and wat she makes of it. don't discard the relationship for the sake of it, but if she don't like the changes she gotta go.

p

Just talk to her, simply & calmly about the way you feel.
Say everything you just said there, and you should be able to work through it.

g'luck

Seraphina

from the girls point of view you've just hit college and she's still stuck in school.
you're gonna meet a ****load of cool new girls and she's worried. she sees them as competition and because they're older and in college feels threatened by them.

it's happened to me, my bf went into college and i was still stuck in school, it made me feel very insecure sometimes.
talk to her about how you both feel, explain you love her and you need space and all.
however if the controlling and semi stalking with the calling and texting to check where you are continues you really need to do something about it.

usualsuspect

From the girl's point of view??? WTF???

Seraphina

from the girls point of view, as in, how she might see things.

there may be underlying reasons for her acting this way, she probably doesn't mean to be so controlling.

on the other hand she may just be a pain in the ass, and there is no excuse for that kind of ungratefulness

/me shrugs

Agent Smith

dump her,



thats my 0.02€

iloju

Dear Questioning One:
Whether she is insecure or not is of no great consequence if she is simply ungrateful for all that you do for her. My boyfriend, for example, does so much for me and helps me when I need help, comforts me when I am sad, listens when I need to talk. I have to do the same for him, because that is what a relationship is.

Her insecurity is something she must work out for herself, and it starts with her believing in herself that she is attractive, fun, witty, and she has to know in her heart of hearts that she can keep her man. Then she has to do what is necessary to do so. Being she is a young 'un, she may have not learned what those things are. Part of them is saying thank you and I realize what you do for me and I love you for doing it, and I appreciate all you do, etc, even if she is having a bad day or something, if she'd just show a little gratitude. A little goes a long way! That's what I've learned in growing up; a relationship is WORK but well worth it! And I think I'd go mad if I didn't have my time alone. :ninja:

I truly hope that she can find it in herself to gain some self confidence and trust you, knowing that she's a good enough woman to keep you. A man cannot be stolen by another woman unless he wants to be. It would be wonderful if you two could make it work, because it's a rare treasure to find fulfillment and your twin soul in your first love...but it is rare. You may find out for yourself that means nothing was ever there...You can't keep forcin' something if it's just not right.

Now where have I heard that before??

swiss

Okay, well I haven't been in a huge number of relationships myself, but this is just how I see things. Firstly, I'm going to go along with pretty much what everyone has said here. Yes she is controlling. Yes, she sounds insecure and ungrateful. Yet, for all this, there are mitigating circumstances. For a start, do you still love her? From your post I certainly get the impression that you have strong feelings for her, but do you really still love her? If the answer is "yes", then this relationship can only really work if she loves you too. Otherwise, you really would be better off to dump her, because she won't reciprocate your feelings in the way you deserve, and you *will* fall in love again. If the answer is "no" then dump her, and dump her now. Yes it will probably hurt her, but it might get her to cop onto herself a little bit, and maybe make her a little more mature.

Now, I'm tempted to go down the ultimatum route as well. However, do not make any such ultimatums unless you carry the courage of your convictions. That is - if you make a stand and tell her that she cannot be so controlling and dominating you have to be prepared to dump her if she doesn't mend her ways.

Personally I think you just need a break from this girl, if only to clear up your head a little.

neuro-praxis

I started seeing my boyfriend when I was 15 and he was 17 - me in transition year and him in sixth. He then went to college and I went into fifth year, convinced that he'd meet a sexy older girl and drop me. Which he didn't.

I also didn't smother him and demand 100% of his time and attention. Plus, I wanted time to myself and my friends too.

You have to ask yourself if she's worth it. If she is, then sit her down and work this out. And be brutally honest and tell her where she needs to change. If she is willing to change, then stick with it another while and see how it goes. If she is unwilling to change then it's possible you need to end things.

Don't listen to people who say you're missing the best years of your life - people said that to me and my bf too (especially when I moved 200km away for a year) but they were wrong. We're engaged now and my college years were still the best of my life. Slutting around in college is not what being happy is about.

Sorry to be cheesy, but listen to your heart on this.

malico

I have to say I hate the controllign type! My most recent X was like that! Don't go out, don't talk to her, don't do that and blah...blah....blah

I could take it more that a month. I guess I got out safe! She's some other guys problem now, and keeps asking me back! Lucky guy.

she was 2 miles away, and yours is 65. My advice, honestly, tell her she's being too controlling. She doesn't love you if she wants to change and control you!

Hell, buy her a puppy! with the message "You can train him, not me.. Bye."

Send it by DHL, and ya don't even have to say it. Trust me, **warning** controllers become VERY VERY VERY physco and clingy.

][cEMAN**

Originally posted by malico
Hell, buy her a puppy! with the message "You can train him, not me.. Bye."

Excellent!! I must remember to pass that advice on - it's meaningful with a touch of tough love humour hehe

20 Times 20 Times

you would actually get away with it as well