Flirting

LegacyUser

OK here goes

I'm going out with a girl, and I can't help feel that she is flirting all the time. This is driving me insane and it may becoming a wedge between us. I wish I could stop feeling so jealous when ever a guy starts chatting her up or whatever.

In normal circumstances, if my g/f did this when I was around I'd hover around or put my arm around her, you know, almost like marking my territory or whatever.

In this case the flirting is happening online. I might be in the same channel and it's going on. I can see it, but I'm only seeing some of it. She's being pm'ed and it could be going on in other channels too.

I don't know what to do about it at all. I've tried telling her how it makes me feel, but I get the feeling that that is driving the wedge in even more. I love her dearly and I tell her this too. I've tried doing nothing and just staring at the screen watching it. I've tried to explain to her that it's happened to me in real life too. An ex of mine used to do it standing right next to me, while completely ignoring me(sometimes I feel like the same is happening now)

I want to be strong, and say to myself that I've nothing to worry about, everything will be fine, and that I'm just making an ass of myself(which no doubt I am). But at the same time, probably because I'm low self esteem, I find myself tearing my hair out, majorly freaking out about all this. I should be able to handle it, I'm old enough now ffs to be able to, but I simply can't

Talking to her about it doesn't seem to be working. Most girls online seem to get chatted up handy enough, and she'll go along with it, hardly even realising that it's flirting at all really.


So has anyone any idea what I can do. I don't want to break up with her over it. I want to stay with her. But I'm having difficulties. Is it just a matter of me trusting that she won't go off with someone else and leave me sitting here?

Senor_Fudge

the 3 billygoats gruff VS FlirtingHelp

Dave

How is she flirting on IRC? Unless she's making arrangements to meet up with people i'd say it's only a bit of harmless fun. It's the internet, and if she leaves you for someone she met on an irc channel then really, flirting isn't the real issue in the first place. If you don't trust her on an irc channel then how will you trust her if she goes out by herself. When will it stop. Being overprotective is just going to drive her away. It's IRC for god sake, imo there's nothing really to be worried about except your own insecurities.

Beruthiel

ARM - try to refrain from commenting if you have nothing valid to say

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/announcement.php?s=&forumid=127



FlirtingHelp - if she is flirting where she knows you can see it, then it's probably nothing for you to be worrying about and it's just a bit of harmless fun

Walls

The majority of users of IRC are teenage boys, so if even one female comes on line they beseige her with innuendos, double entendres, and so on.

Your gf has therefore two options. She can insist that she is treated with respect and with common manners, on the grounds that (a) she's seeing someone, thanks, and can't flirt on line and (b) she is her own person and should not be spoken to without her status as a fully empowered young woman with her own integrity being taken into account.

Are we laughing yet? Cos we should be. She's just being polite to other users, she quite simply won't be able to stay on line if she doesn't handle them well. There's no mention in your post that she flirts anywhere else, so if its just IRC I really doubt you have much to worry about.

seamus

Originally posted by Walls
Are we laughing yet? Cos we should be. She's just being polite to other users, she quite simply won't be able to stay on line if she doesn't handle them well. There's no mention in your post that she flirts anywhere else, so if its just IRC I really doubt you have much to worry about.

She's not going to enjoy IRC very much if she spends the time telling people to leave her alone.

As Walls says, most people on IRC like to think they can charm the pants off any girl who enters the channel with their sparkling reparteé.

Most people PM in IRC to chat without the noise. You need to trust your gf, chances are if someone makes an inappropriate comment/approach in IRC, she'll quickly tell them where to go, just like she would in real life.

Wanting to know what other men are saying to your gf is allowing your own insecurity to take control of you. She's going to speak to other men when you're not around. Men and women can speak to eachother without there being a motive behind it. Besides, most non-single women are immune to telling if a man talking to her likes her. The amount of women I've seen who've become shocked when they find out 'x likes you'.

Don't get me wrong, all single men are trying to crack into your gf. But she's not going to tell them all to feck off, she's still interested in being friendly. But if you can't trust her (or think she's weak enough to be surruptitiously (sp?) seduced by other men), then you're better off breaking up now, and saving yourself a lot of worrying over nothing...

Havelock

I am the poster boy of messing up relationships by being too overprotective. Trust your girlfriend, if you can't your not in a healthy relationship, I have messed up too many of my past relationships, by hating the girl's male friends who fancy her. I kept forgetting they fancied her before we were going out, but she choice me, so I had nothing to worry about. She is with you for a reason, remember that.

Typedef

Dump her.

If you have explained your position about how the online flirting is making you feel bad, and she persists, then she doesn't give a toss about you and you're being nothing more then a doormat for her.

Simple, chuck her if she needs to get her jollies from IRC virgins and can't understand why it's contrary to a relationship with a man, to flirt with other men, despite her 'partner', explaining that this undermines him in the relationship.

In short, she's not worth the time, is a waste of your life and is best dumped in the most malovalent way you can think of.

Kick her ass to the kerb!

DUX

FlirtingHelp, you are such a lucky guy! Now you can start flirting with other girls without feeling that sense of guilt
And the if you get lucky with some of those and go further than the simple "flirting", you can still blame your girlfriend for not having listened to you at the time you told her about your feelings and say that this would have never happened if she didn't start flirting around in the first place :-)

I think you should start doing the same thing that she is doing and see how she feels about it...... then you will have a better picture of how much she really cares about you.

Good luck.

The_Goose

She know how this makes you jealous and she s loving it!!!!
you should flirt too, own medicine and all that!!!!

koneko

The internet is full of flirtation, it doesn't mean anything. She's not arranging dates with these guys or cheating on you. Jealousy is not a good thing. She might think you're a big jealous stalky weirdo and dump you.

Typedef

Originally posted by koneko
She might think you're a big jealous stalky weirdo and dump you.

Yeah right.

Kick her ass to the kerb, if she's flirting with other men and not giving a damn if you care about that or not, she's clearly a slapper, and is best used and forgotten ... in that order.

Seraphina

you're so bitter Typedef

Treora

If it looks like it is going to breaking point and you just have to make sure, then the next time you can guarentee she will be IRCing just go out to a cafe and reinvent yourself for her pleasure. Then you can take it as far as you want and test her motives/ morals. It will take a little time and alot of style and if she finds out and comes back at you then tell her IRCing is just a bit of fun - lighten up.

qwertyphobia

It's your feeling of jealosy that are the problem deal with them before you end up as bitter as Typedef

DriftingRain

Now in some ways I do agree with typie...If he has expressed his feelings towards her on how it makes him feel and she still does it then there's something more to it than just flirtation.....

Another side...Maybe she does it in front of you cause she wants to show you she's not doing anything behind your back. Jealousy will only get you into trouble. All you can do is try to spend more time with her outside a computer life....

If you don't have trust what do you have? Trust is the bottom most important line to keeping a healthy relationship!

Good Luck with deciding what your going to do.

~DR~

Walls

Not sure I agree. He doesn't say how long they are going out. This would let us know whether or not they are in a 'serious' relationship where such demands would be reasonable.

If they've known each other only briefly, ie under six months, then his problems with her flirting are exactly that, just his. I'd say the fact that he posts in an internet forum about his relationship problems regarding trust, before actually discussing it with the party involved, say more about the original poster than anything much else.

Gordon

Original poster - surely, if you truly loved her you would let her do as she pleases. Isn't to love someone - to be able to let them go? Anything else is simple coveting of the precious things.

LegacyUser

are u sure its all her? a few points for consideration

1) girls are nice, friendly and unless shes cybering its not out of bounds. You can be someone else in a chatroom- its rarely serious. She could even be taking the mick. Girls in relationshiops where they are being fulfilled do not delibratrely flirt r chat ppl up. It could just be natural. Think.....was she like this when u first met up?

2) she could be looking for advice on your situation- or any situation for that matter.
"but she can talk to me" I hear u cry. while thats sweet, pretty much: Tuff. we girls cant always do that- what if its to do wit u, what if its something /someone u have no idea what/who they are?

If you dont trust her, then u dont deserve her. And if you're so jealous and delusional u will end up hurting her.

For all we know u ARE hurting(abusing) her- and are just trying to seek pity. I dated some ppl like that, one in particular. if thats the case ur an awful person and she needs to dump u.

On the offchance u are actualy one of the decent ones out there, u need to let it go. Or flirt to- when the tables r turned she mite stop- or you'll see its harmless fun.

I wouldnt do that purposefully to my b/f, but thats me. And I'm not ur g/f.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies guys

I guess this means that it is my problem and I'm going to have to deal with it. I guessed that already, but it seems that now I know for sure.

To answer some things asked, and to clear up some stuff.

"The majority of users of IRC are teenage boys" - Walls
if it was teenage boys that she was chatting to I wouldn't be stressed out about it. It's the guys around my age that bothers me

"you are such a lucky guy! Now you can start flirting with other girls without feeling that sense of guilt" - DUX

I'm afraid that I would still feel all that guilt. As a great deal of our relationship is through the internet, I felt like it was our place(I'm explaining this terribly) and it annoys me that they are having as much contact with my g/f as I am. Well almost. We live quite a distance apart you see.

"Maybe she does it in front of you cause she wants to show you she's not doing anything behind your back." -DriftingRain

Well not really in front of me. I see her chatting to guys some times but as I was saying it's where I can't see it(other channels, pm's) I'd be chatting to her she'd crack up laughing (I can see her on cam), and I from her body language, I get the feeling that it's more than just funny stuff. I'd ask what's so funny(but in a nice way) and she'd reply "oh nothing, nevermind", to brush me off

"This would let us know whether or not they are in a 'serious' relationship where such demands would be reasonable." -Walls

Yes it is a serious relationship. And it's not all about being online together. The distance between us means that we can't meet up too regularly. And when you say "such demands would be reasonable", are you talking about my demands? And anyways, I'm not demanding her not to chat with people. I'm just trying to get her to understand the way it makes me feel.

"I'd say the fact that he posts in an internet forum about his relationship problems regarding trust, before actually discussing it with the party involved" -Walls

I have discussed it with her. A fair few times. Each time she says that she understands what I mean, and how I feel. She says that she would be upset if I were to flirt with other girls online. So she says that she'll try not to do it again. Which means she'll stop doing it in front of me for a little while then go back to it again

"surely, if you truly loved her you would let her do as she pleases." - Gordon

I can see what you are saying. And that's what I try to do, until it cracks me up and I say something to her. But... what if it pleased her to go off and sleep with other guys, should I go along with that?( I know that's an extreem example I'm just trying to make a point) Also, if she truly loved me, couldn't she respect how I feel about this?

I have to make this clear. I've no probs with her chatting to men on the net, or in person. It's the flirting that I do have problems with. Simple things like telling them that she has a boyfriend. "Oh I thought he knew I had one, doesn't everyone in that channel?" when it seems to me that it's obvious to me that he's hitting on her. Maybe Seamus is right: "most non-single women are immune to telling if a man talking to her likes her"


So, even though I've typed up this lengthly reply and my feelings on this seem to be fairly clear, I'm going to keep up the relationship... if she'll have me and put up with my horrible flaws. I was talking to a friend of mine about this and he's helped me to think about it in a diffent light. So thanks for all the help.

Gordon

Originally posted by FlirtingHelp
"surely, if you truly loved her you would let her do as she pleases." - Gordon

But... what if it pleased her to go off and sleep with other guys, should I go along with that?( I know that's an extreem example I'm just trying to make a point) Also, if she truly loved me, couldn't she respect how I feel about this?

In that case you dump her. You will still love her right, because you love her apparently?

The case is not whether or not she loves you. Does she love you?

JohnnyBravo

dude chill the feck out what are you being uptight about thats right NOTHING if she cheats on you she cheats on you you being this completly over the top possesive ejet is going to make her do it even more

Wolf

Who does she go home with?










++END OF STORY++

lili

she is in that way, so if you love her you have to accept her as she is.