Breaking up with someone

LegacyUser · 15-12-2003 6:19pm #1

Hi there.

I've been going out with a girl now for 2.5 years and it's come to a stage that I'm no longer interested in it. I feel the spark has gone from the releationship and that it has run it's course. This is leading me to beleive I am wasting time.

The thing thats stopping me breaking up with her her is that I can't stand to hurt her. I know she loves me as I used to love her. I think I feel like this because I was in a relationship about five years (which only lasted a year). This girl dumped me and I felt like sh1t after it. I was hurting for a long time after it. Since that experience of hurt and pain I realise I havn't the guts to hurt someone like that.

Now the tables have turned and she is in my position. I know her well enough after 2 years to know that she will feel the same as I did when I was dumped.

She knows nothing about what I'm feeling inside at the moment. I'm sure she thinks I feel the same about her as I did when we got together but I don't. I bought her a huge Xmas present at the wkend (well bigger than any present I've got her in the last two years) and I know that the reason I got it is because I feel guilty for the way I'm feeling.

Anyway I'll stop rambling. In a nutshell I can't break up with her cos I don't want her to feel like I did all that time ago. But I fear that she will. She is a really nice person and a brilliant friend. What do I do or say?

embee · 15-12-2003 6:29pm

You have to be honest with her. Discovered lies will hurt her ten times more. Dont let your past experiences cloud your judgement on how this scenario should be handled. You did say that she is a great person and a brilliant friend, so there is possibly a friendship that can be salvaged out of it.

You should also try to avoid the horrendous cliches....

"I love you, I'm just not IN love with you"

or

"It's not you, its me"

Also, dont do it at Christmas. Its probably the worst timing and itll destroy it for her. leave it the two weeks or so til after Christmas.....

angelofdeath · 15-12-2003 6:49pm

gees, tough break man, but if you're not happy in the relationship ya gotta come clean with her, its inevitable you're gonna hurt her feelings but it has to be done, but yeah i agree with embee don't do it around the holidays, give it a few weeks

skipn_easy · 15-12-2003 6:53pm

The other posters are right. Wait a few weeks at least after the holidays. As for not wanting to hurt her, its better that there's no lies between the two of you. I'm sure she'll be grateful that you're honest with her in the long run. There's no way you can break up with her without hurting her if she still loves you, so you're best to do as openly and honestly as possible and be there for her as a friend to help her through it. Its a cliche, but time is the only way she'll stop hurting (as I'm sure you discovered yourself).

uberwolf · 15-12-2003 7:33pm

hey, you might even find that the few weeks you're giving it will allow you time to reflect on what you're doing and prevent you making a mistake.

if not, be gentle & firm.

tinkerbell · 15-12-2003 7:56pm

Try not to break up with her during the holidays, and if you do end up breaking it off, don't say that you've been thinking about doing it for the last few weeks, because that'll make it even harder for her. Leave it for a while, and make sure it is what you want to do.

15-12-2003 8:06pm

Just think about this, ultimately, staying with her for that reason will hurt her in the long run since you'll eventually break up with her anyway. If you break up now, just be honest and respectful, and tell the truth. Yes, you'll hurt her, but a lot less than if you drag it out for another year.

Better for her to hurt now and be able to move on with her life. I'm sure if you were in the opposite situation you wouldn't like to stay with you out of pity.

Bit the bullet & do it. It's the best in the long run.

uberwolf · 15-12-2003 8:25pm

Originally posted by p
Yes, you'll hurt her, but a lot less than if you drag it out for another year.

I think the majority of responses are merely suggesting not ruining xmas forever on the girl, let it a week or two into the new yr. If he's been with her that long he'll have no bother granting her that.

smiles · 15-12-2003 10:35pm

Breaking up with some who you still care about but not in the same way will always hurt them, but just try to be honest, it's brutal and you two will need time apart to figure out whats happening.

<< Fio >>

Capt'n Midnight · 15-12-2003 10:42pm

Originally posted by embee
Also, dont do it at Christmas. Its probably the worst timing and itll destroy it for her. leave it the two weeks or so til after Christmas.....

Don't forget that Valentines is not too weks after - not a good time to break either...

Woden · 15-12-2003 10:56pm

look you have to just go ahead and do it. theres never going to be any "good" time. its gonna suck no matter when you hit her with it. And would you prefare to lie your way through xmas pretending that you love her and acting like everything is ok and then after xmas when she says how long have you been feeling like this you say well about a month or so but i didn't want to tell you till after the holidays to save her feelings. she'll hate you for that.

you've just got to get yourself a pair of balls and go for it. i don't mean that in a bad way as you've got a tough thing to do ahead of you.

Good luck with it.

data

sionnach · 16-12-2003 12:36am

yeah, what data said. As regards things to say to justify the break up, in my opinion you never really need a big reason to break up, if you've just lost that "spark" inside when ur with her well then that's reason enough. But whatever you do tell her, tell her the truth and you can have nothing to feel bad about, you can part with a clear conscience

ferdi · 16-12-2003 12:43am

heavy.

i've never had to do it so i cant give advice.

however, having being dumped on numerous occasions i'd have to say....

...just tell her and then get out of there asap because i always felt really embarrassed and self conscious and 'naked' at the moment of getting dumped and i didnt want to be around the person who just dumped me so just get out of there as quick as you can for both your sakes.

PHB · 16-12-2003 1:52am

I've another suggestion.
Don't break up with her.

Tell her how you are feeling and ask her what she thinks is a good idea.
I went through the same situation as you a while ago, and I just bailed out after a year and a half, worst mistake of my life so far. Talk to her, let her know the story, and try work it out. Every relationship has its ups and downs, what if this is just one of your downs? Don't throw away two and a half years unless you're 100% sure!

][cEMAN** · 16-12-2003 2:05am

Nah man I gotta disagree. Dragging a relationship on thinking "well maybe it'll feel like it did at the start again" will just end up messing you both up. You'll more than likely end up either questioning yourself and end up down a spiral of self hate or end up hating each other for staying in a relationship that's going nowhere but down hill.

Get out while you can still be friends. I don't believe in clichés when it comes to this. If it's true, say it. If you can't be honest with them then just walk away without saying anything, because if you can't be friends you obviously don't want a friendship afterwards. You have to maintain a level of honesty with friends and that would be a bad situation afterwards if you don't end it soon.

PHB there's another way out of that - tell her how you feel but say that you want to break up anyway. Remember the old saying - if you love them let them go if they return they're yours but if they don't they were never yours to begin with. Tell her you want to end it but stay good friends. If you find that spark rekindling after a few months or a year, nothing to stop you going for it again if you're still good friends.

LegacyUser · 16-12-2003 4:54pm

Thanks for the replies.

I guess the best policy is the truth. Is it best to give her space afterwards or what?

uberwolf · 16-12-2003 5:40pm

Originally posted by Hopeless
Thanks for the replies.

I guess the best policy is the truth. Is it best to give her space afterwards or what?

you gonna leave her xmas safe? also yeah a litttle space is best bet, give both of you time to adjust to the change

Dr Pepper · 16-12-2003 6:04pm

I would have to agree with PBH. If you're not entirely sure, leave it a while. It could just be a dry spell (or even just a phase for you, nothing got to do with her at all). I've had the same thing myself with a certain girl when you can't at all see the point.. and been more in love with her than ever a month or two later!

Maybe it would be an idea to go away for a weekend, spend some time, just the two of you, have a laugh and see how you really feel after that..

Good luck (if u want to break up with her, there is no easy way.. Just to save you the effort of thinking about it!):rolleyes:

LegacyUser · 16-12-2003 7:15pm

Originally posted by uberwolf
you gonna leave her xmas safe? also yeah a litttle space is best bet, give both of you time to adjust to the change

Yeah I am. As I said I really wish I didn't have to hurt her and so I don't think Xmas is the best time to do something like this.

As for giving it time to see will it work out, well I've been trying to over the past month (it isn't a new development or anything) so that ain't working.

LegacyUser · 16-12-2003 7:21pm

Well, i drank a beer or two decided to send her a text message, we're finished. I told her i didn't want to see her again because it would upset me a bit much.. but that she could send me my christmas present if she had already got one, no point in wasting.

Anyway, i feel good. Im a free man and gonna have some real fun this christmas, a proper crimbo!

Woden · 16-12-2003 7:32pm

Originally posted by Hopeless
Well, i drank a beer or two decided to send her a text message, we're finished. I told her i didn't want to see her again because it would upset me a bit much.. but that she could send me my christmas present if she had already got one, no point in wasting.

Anyway, i feel good. Im a free man and gonna have some real fun this christmas, a proper crimbo!

You finished with a girl you've been going out with for two and a half years by text, how low is that (i guess you never did get those pair of balls i mentioned) and then you had the audacity to tell her to send on your xmas present if you had already sent it.

your either a wanker or a troll or possibly both

angelofdeath · 16-12-2003 7:44pm

well there'll be no friendship salvaged out of that i fear, that is about as low as you can get, i was broken up with by text message once, and it was the worst thing ever, its like she didn't even respect me enough to tell me to my face, to give me some sort of explaination, worst thing you could've done hopeless:(

Typedef · 16-12-2003 7:46pm

Originally posted by Dataisgod
your either a wanker or a troll or possibly both

I'm guessing one of the internet virgins wormed his way out of the woodwork.. had a thought and trolled under a different name.

It sorta comes in spurts... little **** that is, soon they'll roll over in their own wet patch and go to sleep.

Lex_Diamonds · 16-12-2003 7:46pm

Yep, you dropped the ball on that one. Or rather, your ball has yet to drop. You better ring before the hitman thats coming gets to you.

tinkerbell · 16-12-2003 8:47pm

well if you broke up with her by text message, then she is so better off without you.

or else you're jus trolling.

LegacyUser · 16-12-2003 9:10pm

I dunno who posted that message but it wasn't me (I'm the one who started the thread). Someone obviously trolling trying to undermind the integrity of the annonymous option in this forum.

Crash · 16-12-2003 9:33pm

Only two classy ways to break up, face to face or by writing a letter (which can be a rather nice way to be broken up with). text is low. msn is worse.

tinkerbell · 17-12-2003 10:00am

people actually break up over msn?! my god ... that is jus sad. Text is such a bad way as well to end a relationship.

Hopeless - since that was some troll pretending to be you, if / when you do break up with her, tell her to her face, even writing her a letter is taking the easy way out. And make sure she has access to a hasty exit, because after you tell her those words, she is gonna want to be away from you as quick as possible.

Sorry to say it, but it's the way it'll prolly go. Give her the space she needs, and you may be able to have a friendship. If you do end up getting with someone else, don't rub it in her face, etc, because it'll prolly take her a while to get back to normal again. I know you probably know this already and don't need me to tell you that, but some guys do rub it in if they've gotten with someone else.

Woden · 17-12-2003 7:10pm

Originally posted by tinkerbell
And make sure she has access to a hasty exit, because after you tell her those words, she is gonna want to be away from you as quick as possible.

Thats not necessarily true, she probably won't just run away as soon as she hers the news, i think breaking up from a long term relationship is somewhat different from breaking up with someone you've been going out with for a few weeks/months your lifes are just so much more intertwined she might not want your there in her life one minute and then out of it the next. you'll have to respect that or pretty much anything else that is her wishes after you drop the bomb.

patch · 17-12-2003 7:26pm

Be honest hopeless... you've never had a girlfriend, have you?
This is the same fool who was on recently. Feckin' Troll.

star gazer · 17-12-2003 7:37pm

To be fair patch i think someone has used the hopeless' unreg tag to troll this thread. It certainly looks to be too inconsistant to be the same person, the benefit of the doubt must go to respect the person with a tough sounding problem.

tinkerbell · 18-12-2003 11:17am

Originally posted by Dataisgod
Thats not necessarily true, she probably won't just run away as soon as she hers the news, i think breaking up from a long term relationship is somewhat different from breaking up with someone you've been going out with for a few weeks/months your lifes are just so much more intertwined she might not want your there in her life one minute and then out of it the next. you'll have to respect that or pretty much anything else that is her wishes after you drop the bomb.

No, I'm jus sayin that it could go that way. If you've been going out that long, and suddenly you hear that kind of news, you're gonna want to be alone to get your thoughts together. That is all!

Woden · 18-12-2003 12:13pm

fair enough its possible alright and he should be ready to give her space of thats what she needs.

my bet is if she still really loves him she will be very shocked and won't want him gone anywhere unless he's being a bit of a muppet about the breakup

uberwolf · 18-12-2003 6:53pm

it could go either away, just be aware of the possiblity and keep it in mind so you can react according to how it looks like she wants.

Gordon · 18-12-2003 7:24pm

Patch, please be aware that the announcement smiles and myself have added at the top of this forum applies to you also.

Cabaal · 18-12-2003 8:56pm

Originally posted by Capt'n Midnight
Don't forget that Valentines....

Whatever you do, DON'T break up with her using a txt message
I believe its the most evil thing anyone can do to some-one.
edit: anyone check the IP of the troll to confirm?

btw ][cEMAN** if binary is lame why do you put it in your sig?

][cEMAN** · 18-12-2003 9:26pm

Ironic humour. Did it work? tee hee

Sarky · 19-12-2003 2:00am

Originally posted by crash_000
Only two classy ways to break up, face to face or by writing a letter (which can be a rather nice way to be broken up with). text is low. msn is worse.

PM is worst.

Peace · 19-12-2003 2:12am

FFS , quick and fast.....surely your partner desreves that?

I don't mean "you're dumped".....just stop stringing em along....do it....strap on a pair!

Amz · 19-12-2003 2:32am

Originally posted by Sarky
PM is worst.

Don't forget over MSN or on IRC

Walls · 19-12-2003 9:34am

Just to take a quick straw poll, do folk ever break up by just not calling?

Its not that I'm a fan of it myself, but I have had it happen to me (not particularly enjoyable, really). I wondered how was it viewed by others?

Beruthiel · 19-12-2003 9:45am

Originally posted by Walls
Just to take a quick straw poll, do folk ever break up by just not calling?

yup
I had that happen to me once walls
all I could think of him was 'coward' so I was better off without him anyway
can't even remember his name now

smiles · 19-12-2003 7:03pm

Originally posted by Walls
Just to take a quick straw poll, do folk ever break up by just not calling?

Has happened to me twice.
Guess it just leaves you not knowing what went wrong.
Hurts.

<< Fio >>

Gummy Panda · 19-12-2003 9:39pm

Originally posted by Hopeless
Well, i drank a beer or two decided to send her a text message, we're finished. I told her i didn't want to see her again because it would upset me a bit much.. but that she could send me my christmas present if she had already got one, no point in wasting.

Anyway, i feel good. Im a free man and gonna have some real fun this christmas, a proper crimbo!

Not being bad mate but that is the worst way to break-up with someone. You could've had the balls to say it to here and final say goodbye and have closure.

Closure doesn't come from a text report saying delivered.

Walls · 20-12-2003 12:16am

Nah, when you hammer that last nail in the coffin in the dead of night, while they're still banging to get out...man, that's closure!!

Gummy Panda · 20-12-2003 12:20am

Originally posted by Walls
Nah, when you hammer that last nail in the coffin in the dead of night, while they're still banging to get out...man, that's closure!!

LMAO!!!

Quite true

billy the squid · 24-12-2003 3:38pm

Just a question If you dont want to hurt this person you must have some compassion have you tried different things with her or gone to different events with her to make sure that you want to break it of or did you just wait the month to see if the feelings you had when you met her return.

or are you spending too much time with her. another approach might be not to spend every day with her that will give you time to be with your friends and will give her the time to do the girlie things that she might want to do with her friends.. they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, dont know how true it is though.

one more question, has another girl caught your attention

DUX · 02-01-2004 9:44am

Just curious.....are you still together?

Sleepy · 02-01-2004 9:12pm

IMHO The most important thing in these circumstances is to leave plenty of space. Two of my best friends are ex girlfriends. Both of whom I left a major gap between ending the relationship and becoming friends with (again). You need to leave about 2/3 months between the ending of the relationship and the start of the friendship really, basically long enough for both of you to be over each other and possibly have started something new/had a fling / one-night stand since you've last seen each other...

Though, in the words of that infamous old Heineken ad, "sometimes ex-girlfriends are more than just ex-girlfriends" and in that dream position you end up with a fu<k buddy

Breaking up with someone

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