my almost first story!!

Morpheus

never written much before, i attempted it once here on the old add on story thread.. a LONG time ago, but ive a new story in mind and i threw together a possible opening today on my lunch break to see what you all think... remember its a draft and i havent had much time to proof read it.... let me know what you all think, constructive criticism please!!


Oh yeah it IS sci fi so if thats not your bag, then tune out now!!!

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THE DREADNOUGHT

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The dreadnought coasted through the void,stars glittering on its coal black surface as it tumbled lazily into eternity.

Seemingly lifeless to look at, wrapped in darkness and shadow, a spark of energy flowed, a lonely subroutine was kept alive and worked on into the never-ending night. Using only one or two ancient sensors it scanned the emptiness.

Time passed, gradually it became aware of a miniscule change in relative gravity, it waited, gravity increased again, not enough to bother the slumbering master program but sufficient to rouse a neighbouring sensor array. Time flowed on again... finally the array returned its findings, photonic activity was increasing along with gravity, spatial density was also increasing, a number of seperate gravitonic anomolies were logged in general proximity to a massively larger source of gravity, a whole spectrum of photons were flowing past. The array concluded that the most obvious answer was a star system.

The subroutine concurred and its AI decided that it had the required data to proceed, it kicked another subroutine into life. This routine pulled the last of the power from the ships remaining emergency reserves and erected slender metallic arms into the heavens from all along the length of the ship. Motors down the length of these arms whined their protest as they began unfurling great solar sails above the ship.

Finally in its last gasp of life, the lonely subroutine called the master program to wakedness and gave its own power to the greater need...

Photons screamed towards the behemoth and smashed into the surface of the great sails, there they were sucked of their life, their heat and kinetic energy were turned into raw power and their sheer numbers on the massive golden sails began to cause a much needed drag-slowing effect on the ship.

Deep inside the engineering sector, hundreds of power nodes and terminals whined and hissed into being, dust covered consoles and readouts hummed to life. cold networks and connections began trying to communicate with each other. Drunkenly the master program awoke to find trickles of power become coursing tributaires and finally flooding through its veins, it screamed for more information even as it was carried into its databanks. It was time.

All over the ship systems and sub systems blinked in the darkness, signals passed from one to the other in a game of cyber chinese whispers, they all clamoured for an answer from the master program but with a thought it slapped them all into silence and submission. It communicated with only those systems it couldnt do without, all others were ordered to shut down again, it would take full power before it could deal with their demands on its resources.

More power came on line and the whole structure shook as its gigantic ionic impulse engines rotated into position and powered up waiting for the order to engage.

When at last the ship had dropped to less than half the speed of light, the master program decided to begin slowing for star system manoeuvering. An inaudible but teeth chattering vibration shook everything as the impulse engines commenced decelerating the craft, 150 gravities were recorded on board as the dreadnought started its final approach to the edge of the system.

Some weeks later, after much course alteration and calculation of possible approaches the ship slid into a high orbit around the furthest planet from the mother star, a tiny rock of ice and dust. It had taken this long just to get enough reserve power to begin even the simple fusion reactor cores.
Six of the ten mainline fusion reactors wouldn't start when asked, two reported fuel cell failures, but four of these were in damaged sectors and beyond repair.

The massive stellar hyperion drive, drained of fuel, would work only with some intervention from outside the ship.

Maintenance droids worked for a few days on the two fuelcell problems and finally with six reactors online, enough power was available to start the complex life support system.


All along the murky airless corridors and maintenance shafts deep red and green light plunged into the darkness as diodes, terminal screens and emergency lights winked into existence. Massive bulkhead doors silently juddered and slid open as power surged through their motors, force shields punched across halls in damaged areas where the interior was exposed to space, cutting them off from sections that would soon try to hold an atmosphere

funkymonk

enjoyed this intro. Piques my curiosity what ..happens next etc?... keep it up

bahairy

"All over the ship systems and sub systems blinked in the darkness, signals passed from one to the other in a game of cyber chinese whispers, they all clamoured for an answer from the master program but with a thought it slapped them all into silence and submission."

It's good. The writing is lyrical, especially if you have just recently started to write. Somethings that you might need to take care of,

Your sentances can be a bit too long and cumbersome(above), and as such it can require too much effort to read, and the reader gets lazy.

Sometimes things are overexplained, leave ambiguity - its more inticing.


Well done.

BigO

good work young man nice keep it up and you will do well in your leaving cert!

projectmayhem

very nice work.. and i am a sci-fi fan. reminds me a bit of cowboy bebop (the anime), but i don't know why.

as mentioned before, the only problem is shortening the sentences, so as to not loose the interest of the reader. either way though, good luck with the rest of it!