i feel so trapped

LegacyUser

please help me i dont know whats going on i dont know how to explain.
ive suffered from depression for the past 4 years, ive tried to commit suicid twice. the first time no on knew about it, the second time, it was brushed under the carpet after a week. ive been on antidepressants and i was seeing a counsellor for a year untill last week, when i called a halt to the whole thing. i cudnt talk aboiut what really mattered so i rambled on about my family every week which seemed to satisfy my counsellor but did nothing for me, so it was a waste of time really. i know i shudve taken it seriously but it was way too easy to yap about my family than things that really matter. i did try a few times to tell him about the problems i have with food, and he seemed to cast it off as unimportant, so i gave up.

things seemed to have revolved and im back where i started a year and half ago (when i attempeted suicide) i think about suicide all the time. the only thing stopping me from doing it is that it wud make my boyfriend sad, and also that my bitch of a mother wud milk it for all the attention she cud get. also if it didnt work id be screwed, im not a jump off a building bloody death type of a person. my boyfriend told me that if i attempted suicide again and it didnt work, people wud be a lot less likely to care.

its this that is driving me mental, now (i know this sounds crazy) i dont even have the 'comfort' of knowing i cud kill myself when things get too rough. i dont think im brave enough to continue on and i dont think im brave enough to kill myself ( please, please dont tell me how suicide is a weak thing to do, easy way out etc etc) so im trapped in this state of going mental. i keep cutting myself, my boiyfriend is the only person i tell about it. he thinks giving out to me will make me stop. i asked him for a hug the other day and he said 'not untill u stop cutting urself' but that doesnt help me at all, it just makes me hide it from him, he thinks everythings fine and its a big secret again with the one person i trust 100%.

im so confused. i cant go back to my counseller, maybe he wasnt right for me i dont know. my family are useless (with regards this type of thing anyway) at least if i die ill be out of everyones hair. i was a mistake anyway, my mother makes sure i know that. on one hand i want to keep going, i keep thinking that there are so many beautiful things i want to see, and i want to make a baby with my boyfriend, but its hard to see the good stuff that cud be lying ahead through all the crap thats swirling about in my head. i dont know what to do anyway, i have no more ways of coping left.

Caffine

your in the same situation friends of mine have been in and myself from time to time.

friends of mine would never take counsellers seriously but would always talk to me very openly, is there any of your friends who you would talk to about it hug you when you need it etc?

you could try explaining to your boyfriend and see if he will be there for you more, or if u dont want to do that find someone you trust and open up to them.

it might not seem this was but everything does get better, realising you should have taken the counselling seriously is a very good step, and down the line when your better im sure youll look back and be thankful you hung in there.

dont forgot theres always someone, even if its the samaritans or even the boards users

oh i should add my cousin killed himself on monday night, now he wont ever have the change to get better, dont make that mistake yourself, even if it doesnt seem worth hanging on it always is

tinkerbell

So sowry to hear you're feelin that way *hug*

I think the first thing you should do is change counsellors because he is doesn't seem to be helping you at all.

Second of all, don't ever think you were a mistake. If your mother keeps making you feel really down, jus ignore her, don't listen to statements like that about yourself.

Maybe you should go and talk to a different family member, maybe an aunt or an uncle or a grandparent that would give you the support you need? Or maybe even a neighbour? Do you have any siblings?

You need to be open with your boyfriend as well, he can't help if you keep everything hidden inside, and it always feels better to talk about stuff anyway - a problem shared is a problem halved. Sit him down and tell him everything about what it is that is making you so down. Or even if you can't tell him face-to-face because you'd either get upset or forget some stuff, then write it all down on paper and get him to read it. Maybe even give the same letter to your counsellor since you said that you haven't told him what the actual problem is yet. And the sooner you do this, the sooner your boyfriend and counsellor can help you solve the problem.

Your boyfriend obviously loves you very much so whenever you are feeling blue, try to remember that - at least you know that he'll stick by you.

neoB

Even if your mom seems or puts on the apperance she doesn't care, you tell her good about how you feel. She has to be told whether she likes it or not. That could help a bit relieve some things.
Like they said, change your couselor. Who wants some dope to help them that doesn't give two cents. You are there to talk about you, and it isn't selfish one bit. If it was to talk about your family, then all of you would be there. You want help and have made the effort, find someone that genuiney wants to listen and to help you feel better, than just wasting time and trying to soak you for cash.
Talk to your boyfriend. Tell him how you are really doing. Surely how much he loves you, he will want to help you. No one deserves to feel this way. Hopefully you have someone close to you you can talk to as well. Talking helps a lot with someone you trust, then it wont seem that they are going to backstab you. *HUGE HUG*
No one deserves to feel like that at all, no one. I wish you luck and hope things get a way lot better for you.

star gazer

Self harm is a very painful experience and yet for some people it gives relief in the short term. Looking into the act of self harm there must be something that you dislike intensely about yourself and the situation you find yourself in. The thing about talking to your counsellor/mum/boyfriend is that you need to trust them to be respectful to you when you tell them about your suffering. If they are going to throw it back in your face then that will not help you and it is not always the right time to talk about the suffering you go through. Trust your own instincts about when you feel right about being honest with them. If you couldn't bring yourself to trust the counsellor after a year then it's unlikely you would in the future. Maybe there is a counsellor out there that will be able to help you unlock and deal with the difficulties that push you towards self harm and suicide. Going through such intense pain and suffering does give you an important insight into life and if you can get beyond depression, it could be all worht while. I'm still trying to figure out whether it was worth going through my pain, but i have to believe that it will be. Avoid the situations that cause the most pain. Respect yourself and don't attack yourself for not being able to do the things that you think you should be able to.
*hug*

LegacyUser

thanku so much for all ur replies. i was afraid i was going to get a load of nasty 'ur only looking for attention' replies. so it was a really good surprise.

i cant talk to my mum about ANYTHING she is absolutely useless, shes as ****ed up as i am if not more, she is the most selfish person i have ever known. i talk to one of my sisters sometimes about things, like problems with my mum, but when there is really serious **** in my head i cant seem to formulate it into words. ive tried writing it down and thats helped a bit. im an art student so sometimes i go a bit mad when im painting, i suppose thats getting it out, but i really want to be able to form words about how i feel without using metaphors etc. i really want to be able to tell my friends about it, but they;re all pretty awkward about depression and things like that. most of my friends dissapeared or drifted as far as they cud since i tried to kill myself. so i figure covering it up is the only way to go if i want to keep the friends i do have. but covering it up doesnt always work and i end up getting awkward. argh.

i do feel like i have more understanding into people and life than a lot of my friends, but id rather be like them than feel the way i do today.

my counsellor did care a lot about me, he helped a lot with my family situations, but i think my pride got in the way of progress. it was mostly my fault. he didnt believ in pushing someone to talk, and im very good at acting perfectly normal.

ive been with my boyfriend for well over a year now, he's been with me through everything, he's heard me going on about my issues with food, my obsessions with my weight and my looks, problems with my mum, he's heard it all before, at this point he barely responds when i say i feel crappy. i think he needs a break from meor something, i think maybe im too intense (not in a gud way) to be with. i think about things way too much and i feel things way too deeply. my emotions always seem to be extremes of each other (its not bipolar though).

tinkerbell, im going to think about that letter thing. i dont want to seem self obsessed though, i get a little self absorbed sometimes.

caffine, im really sorry about ur cousin. i feel completely innapropriate, im so sorry.
my boyfriend is the only person i trust at the moment, my two best friends have ****ed off and betrayed me on an unbelievable level. i trusted these people for years, now im second guessing people and being suspisious of everyone, ive also started 'clinging' to my boyfriend a little which is pissing me off as much as im sure its pissing him off.

the main thing i didnt like about counselling was that when there were moments of silence, he'd stare at me and id get all awkward.

im just feeling like im floating about, and im disconnected from everything and everybody, like i dont have roots anywhere, or anything i can count on. when i think about whats in my head too much its terrifying. i just want to slip away

vibe666

i think you might need to try and find yourself a femaele councillor to start with. for a woman it can be very hard to open up to a man in the same way as she can with another woman, and i really think you need someone you can relate to.

also i doubt very much if your boyfriend understands how serious you are about your problems. you need to talk to him openly and frankly to get him to understand whats going on.

you need to know you're not alone too. i know it feels that way at the moment, but there are lots of people in similar situations, it's just a matter of finding someone you can relate to. maybe someone here can offer you a shoulder to cry on.

i also think your mother is doing you far too much damage too, and you would probably be able to cope better if you didn't see her for a while until you get your head straighened out. it sounds like she's dragging you down too.

and have a hug from me and my girlfriend too *hug* we've both been where you are at some point in our lives and lived to tell the tail, and I'm, sure you can too.

Crash

I think the letter thing is very useful. i know myself that a number of times when i've been down, even at times close to suicidal i've ended up writing letters to friends, family...things i needed to get out, whether its telling them that i'm sick of this and that or telling them how much i admire them for certain things. just things i cant get out. I know people in quite similiar situations to yourself. most of the people i know who go to counselling often just go and blab on about what seems like meaningless ****, not the personal stuff they feel but its only after they quit counselling that they notice that it does make a difference. I think its just the ability to go and talk about whatever with someone who won't interject for an hour or so that makes the difference.

Neil

Caffine

Originally posted by Trapped


caffine, im really sorry about ur cousin. i feel completely innapropriate, im so sorry.
my boyfriend is the only person i trust at the moment, my two best friends have ****ed off and betrayed me on an unbelievable level. i trusted these people for years, now im second guessing people and being suspisious of everyone, ive also started 'clinging' to my boyfriend a little which is pissing me off as much as im sure its pissing him off.

dont be sorry babe and shouldnt feel inapropriate, as i said a LOT of my friends have been through it, some had very good reasons and some not, but i didnt make deccsions on them because of there reasons and i wont do it to you, they needed help, so do u

tbh honest whats happening to you is almost exactly what happend to me and i only recently worked myself out of, my friends abandond me, i got very depressed started clinging to a friend of mine (thankfully shes a very cool person and is now my best friend ), i tried for ages to work myself out of it and it took a long time, i found it hard trusting ppl but iv found some thatll be there for me, a couple of weeks after i started college i got some new friends, really nice and understanding ones and its done me wonders.. im actually happy now

anyway tinkerbells letter idea is a good one, and you should obviously keep drawing, its what i do when im in a bad mood and it helps me alot, another thing iv done a few times is just to write everything down, really spill my guts, then just tear it up and throw it out, gets it out of my system

hope everything works out babe, if you need/want email me, dont think guest can see users emails so if u want it ask me and ill post it for you

Caffine

oops double post sorry

Zombrex

Originally posted by trapped
please help me i dont know whats going on i dont know how to explain.
ive suffered from depression for the past 4 years

I don't mean this to sound like a stupid question, but what happened 4 years ago? Why do you think you are suffering from depression?

You don't have to answer publicly, and I don't mean to state the obvious, but I have know 2 people who have suffered from depression, and they never actually though "why is this happing to me" they just kinda took it as just one of those things. If you know what happened or the reason things started going down hill at least that is something.

Originally posted by trapped
i cudnt talk aboiut what really mattered

I would definitely get a new counsellor and I know this is easier said than done, but try and tell him/her about what really matters. Shout it from the roof tops. Let go of the awkwardness and the shame you feel. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Hell, call the Samaritans from a phone box and shout down the line for an hour about everything you are pissed off about, your mum, your boyfriend, your friends. Let it out, because it will just stay inside bottled up eating away at you. You have nothing to lose because the alternative is nothing at all

And remember you are not a mistake. You are by far the most astonishingly remakable thing your mother and father have ever done. You, and your sisters, are the sum total of everything your parents have done and everything their ancestors ever did before them. You are the reason everyone behind you worked, struggled and survived. Your life is the most beautiful conclusion of a thousand generations before you. You are the reason for their existence, and they should be proud.

Look at yourself, look at your hands, at your feet, at your eyes, at your ears, at your hair and your skin. Feel wind in your hair and sand in your shoes. Feel the cold air on your lips and the warm sun on your face. You grew from a cell so small you could not even see it. You are the most astonishing, beautiful thing that has ever existed on this planet. Never let anyone tell you that you are anything less than what you are, a miracle. Your problems can be over come, your wounds can be closed and your spirit can sore.

I wish you luck.

tinkerbell

Hope you considered the letter idea, if you jus write it all down, not only will it make you feel better, but then you'll also have saved yourself the bother of having to repeat it to your boyfriend and counsellor.

Even if it takes quite a while - be it a few hours, days or even a week or two, keep writin stuff down until you feel you can't write anymore.

And if you are feeling low, go out and do somethin that will take you away from the real world for a while, be it goin to the cinema for a movie, or even goin shopping for presents. Sometimes when I'm feelin down, I do things like that jus to get detached from the normal day to day crap.

Maybe even decoratin the house with all the Christmas tinsel, etc. You'd be surprised how lilttle things like this can take your mind off things temporarily until you've finished writing everything that is bothering you down. After that, you can jus show it to your man and counsellor, and they'll be able to really get to the bottom of the problem, and get you back on track.

I know it's not easy, and I wish you the best of luck *hug*

LegacyUser

You sound just like me. I've been through it seems similar things as you have. Over the last couple of years I have tried to commit suicide on a number of occasions so much so that I couldn't actually put a number on the amount of times. On one of the occassions I was commited to hospital and I have not had the courage to go back to a counsellor for fear of being locked up, that was over three years ago now. My last attempt was in march. I just skipped work the next day as I was too physically weak from being sick to get out of my bed and went to work the day after as if nothing had happened. I have also cut in the past. I have a few scars still quite visible even though they are over a few months old. These are also in a place that people would not see. I am more of a leg cutter than an arm cutter. I also have had similar problems with eating. I lost a stone in a month once when I was so stressed out about alot of things happening in my life. I tried the bulimia thing for a while as well. In my family I was always brought up to believe that as long as you were thin everything was ok.

The above is just to let you know that I know how you are feeling and that you are not alone. When times are really bad I like to write. It gets everything out on paper and therefore they are no longer in my head. Try to look at yourself in a better manner, stop telling yourself that it's what other people think that matters. Your life is yours and yours alone. You get to fu<k it up and then fix it up as many times as you like. There are happy times I know this for sure and live for them. Try to remove yourself from your family. They are more than likely making you worse than better. I am out of my family house for a couple of years now and my situation has improved every year. I still get very down but it's alot easier to get through without the extra nagging from people who clearly didn't understand how I was feeling. You also have to start dealing with what is causing the problems. Post it here anonymous so that it will start you on the way to being able to talk to other people about it (boyfriend, counsellor..). Also I can see where you are coming from with the eating thing if you start to talk about it then they'll notice your eating patterns more. Thing is though if you sort out the underlying sh!te that is going on it will get alot easier to just eat and not think about it.

Let go with people and pull down the barriors and just cry or laugh or scream or write or anything.

hipchick

I agree with the letter, its a great way of getting what you want said out of you, the longer you keep it inside the harder it is to get it out....

I hope that you can feel better about yourself you are a very worthwhile person and try to beleive you are regardless of what anybody else thinks......The world needs more caring people like you!!

Take care of you
*Big hug*

scojones

this is sad.. seriously, you were a mistake and your mother makes sure you know that? what the **** kind of mother is that. she's a slapper. And your boyfriend is a dumb ass too. edit (probably not a helpful comment at this point sjones, better to error on the safe side, eh? - edit - Beruthiel)
You keep cutting yourself? we'll if you're addicted to pain i can see why... you've tried to kill yourself twice, thank god it failed both times. the undertaker doesn't deserve your parents money.

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for ur replies. feel very much better.
sjones, my boyfriend is wonderful, but i think maybe hes getting a little frustrated with the whole thing. he's the one who found me when i tried to kill myself the second time. its probably taken a toll on him too. im sure he just wants everything to be normal again.

my mother is a big problem too but i wouldnt go as far as calling her a slapper!
my parents are really really really good, just mymum has a lot of her own psychoticness to deal with. and they're in their 60's and im 20, so its a little strained sometimes.

wicknight, people can just get depressed for no 'real' reason. nothing traumatic has to have happened to justify it. i know lots of people who think'why is this happening to me?' its kind of a normal thing to think when ur depressed.

vibe,thanks for ur suggestion, i think maybe it wud be a good idea to change to a woman counsellor. there are things that my other counsellor kept bringing up that i didnt want to talk about.

thanks a million for all ur replies, i really appreciated it.

x

Beruthiel

donno if you've ever read the book

My Mother, Myself by Nancy Friday

it certainly helped me see my mother in a new light

LegacyUser

Trapped - have you tried regular excersice? I find it's a great way of keeping my depression under control.

Best of luck - you sound like a cool person.

dudara

Just remember that your mother may have made you biologically, but you make yourself. You have to reach inside yourself and find strength. I hate hearing young people talk about suicide like this, but I realise it is a reality these days. Three yound men from my hometown have commited suicide recently. I knew them all in passing as we shared a bus to secondary school, and while I don't think any of them would have set the world on fire, we'll never find out what abilities or talents they had.

As the previous poster suggested, an outside interest such as sport is great for diverting the mind and focussing it onto achieving something positive. Imagine gaining a black belt in a martial art, or finishing a 10km run. If you can acheive physical things such as those, other things will follow.

remember you steer your own life. So make it the life you want.

Typedef

You need to toughen up girl and less of this self-pity stuff.

I recommend you, do something radical to redress your disatisfaction with your life, something along the lines of leaving Home and perhaps getting miles and miles away from your mother and boyfriend[1].

Assuming you live in Dublin, take six months off and go and live in Galway, work as a waitress in a bar, go out, meet people and don't become emotionally dependant on another person.

You need to learn some more self reliance.


[1] Like you say, your boyfriend is your emotional crutch. This has to end, it's not healthy for him or for you having these 'intense' relationships where, if he were to end it all, you would no longer see the reason to live, that's extremely selfish, as you are basically saying to him, "break up with me and I'll kill myself"... that's a rather large and unenjoyable guilt trip to lay on someone, I'd say.

Get away from your current environment. Go live alone for a while, get a job, learn to enjoy your life. You feel trapped? So leave, go elsewhere.

Forget about the boyfriend, he's part of what's trapping you where you are, as is the rest of your family.

Just advice.

LegacyUser

my boyfriend isnt the real problem here. im not 'basically saying to him 'break up with me and ill kill myself'i never even implied that! and i am certainly not selfish.

in all fairness, my family isnt trapping me, its my mother and i cant afford to move out till next year, i am feeling a little sorry for myself, yes, because im having a really **** time. usually im really hard on myself so this is actaully a nice break.

i cant leave and go away somewhere for 6 months, and i dont want to either. its not like im floundering around helplessly, i am doing a very intensive course and im working really hard. i take care of myself really well. occasionally i have these setbacks and i get depressed and suicidal. beng depressed doesnt mean ur pitying urself.

i think typedef is being extra hard on me because i think he gets depressed aswell.

in all fairness u dont know anything about the rest of my family, i only mentioned my mum. seeing as they all live abroad, they're not exactly 'trapping' me.

The Second

can I just throw out a suggestion....

if you really want to die.. you must hate where you are and see no future in it...

"i cant leave and go away somewhere for 6 months, and i dont want to either"... you see a future. You just really are going to hate the next 6 months ... alot of people are in the same situation as you ... and I can understand how things like cutting yourself will help you survive the next 6 months... but you need to start living for the years to follow... you are in a situation that you don't enjoy .. you hate obviously... at least you have a boyfriend that is going to stand by you for that lenght of time...

I know you really don't want to hear this .. try to imagion a worse situation. If you can't .. then I sugest saying F*!K this to the next six months and getting a new life. Its not worth wanting to die over. This could be it!... this could be all you ever have ... you need to make your life something you want...

You need to take control of your own life.