Non Quake - funny

Monty - the one and only

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. The writers were
looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type
managers. Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, WA)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be
used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat
Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing
/3M
Corp.)

7. My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only
needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)

8. Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When
I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work
on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her
burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping
Executive, FTD Florists)

10. We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division)

11. We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12. One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be
soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)

13. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo
reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of
the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used
by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the
executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was
told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When
I
asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts"
(pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of
the
memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical"
circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked
the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send
to
my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days
later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words
which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in
company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company
policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from
the
Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

14. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo
from a large communications company:" Lucent Technologies is endeavorily
determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of
transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if
not supercede, the expectations of quality!"


This was a funny pickup line I read so I decided to add it..


Would you be offended if I told you your hair smelled good?
No
ok then would you be offended if I told you I was a midget!!!


Guy: Do I have to buy you a drink, or do you just want to keep the money?




Just some more funny stuff.

God is talking to one of his angels.
He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb and Don Juan were having a terrible fight. "I am the most beautiful person in the world," proclaimed Sleeping Beauty.
"No, you're not," answered Don Juan and Tom Thumb.
"I am the smallest person in the world," shouted Tom Thumb.
"No, you're not," said Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan.
"I've had more lovers than any person in the world," announced Don Juan.
"No you haven't" replied Tom Thumb and Sleeping Beauty.
Well, they decided that if the three were to get along, they needed a mediator, and decided that Merlin, clearly the smartest person in the world, would be ideal. Merlin agreed and summoned them all to his palace, where he announced he would meet with them one at a time.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and not a minute later came out beaming "I am the most beautiful person in the world, Merlin said so."
In went Tom Thumb and out he came as quickly as had Sleeping Beauty: "I am the smallest person in the world, Merlin agrees."
In goes Don Juan and in he stays, a half hour, an hour, an hour and a half later. Finally he emerges distraught, muttering, "Who the hell is Bill Clinton?"


9 Facts regarding Men & Women

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


why do Doctors slap the babies on the butt when they are born?
to knock the balls off the stupid ones..

A Matter of Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

And God Created Women

Adam was getting a little lonely in the Garden of Eden, so God came to
him and said that he would make him a partner. Adam, being somewhat
skeptical, asked what the partner would do for him.

God said that the partner would make him happy when he was sad and
raise his spirits when he was down. The partner would clean for him, cook
for him, provide him with children, and do many things to make life more
fulfilling.

Adam then inquired as to what it would cost him.

"Ah!" said God. "It will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam said that he didn't look forward to losing an arm and a leg, but what
could he get for a rib?

The rest is History.

---

This came from various sources and I did NOT type all of this. Enjoy




[This message has been edited by Monty - the one and only (edited 28-10-99).]