terminator 3

spooiirt!!

Transcript of a Madtv sketch: "Terminator 3: The Greatest Action Story Ever Told"

Cast:
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Bryan Callen
Jesus Christ - David Herman
Wise Man #1 - Phil LaMarr

On the screen we see a clear night sky filled with stars, one in particular being very large and bright.

TV Announcer: Unto this world, a child is born.

Camera pans down onto a small village. We see that the date is December 25, 0000. There is a strange kind of lighting is zapping around in between two small buildings. Suddenly the light forms a large silver sphere. A naked man hunching over appears and the sphere disappears. The man stands, and we see that it is Arnold Schwarzenegger. AS scans The Three Wise Men, who are coming towards him, and finds one man wearing a robe in his size.

Wise Man 1: Enjoying the night air, my brother?

AS: Your robes -- give them to me.

WM1: I come bearing many gifts, but I assure you my robes are not among them.

AS: What are you? Some kind of wise guy?

WM1: Well, actually -- yes!

AS punches WM1 in the face.

TV Announcer: He's back! Arnold Schwarzenegger is the The Terminator in "The Greatest Action Story Ever Told!"

We see AS again, now wearing WM1's robes, scanning around for Baby Jesus. He sees a sign on one front door that reads, "No Vacancy," and another that reads, "Gone to Nazareth."

AS (Putting on sunglasses.): Asta la vista, Baby Jesus.

We now see that it is 33 years later, and the full-grown Jesus is preaching to a bunch of people after handing out food.

Jesus: Alright, alright, settle down. Did I make enough? Good.

AS enters from behind J, carrying a gun.

J: Back to my sermon. Blessed are the --

The crowd screams as Roman soldiers come to arrest J, and scatters. J turns to AS.

AS: Get down!

J ducks, and AS begins shooting the Roman soldiers.

AS (Offering J his hand): Come with me if you want to live.

J: What are you doing?

AS: They were going to arrest you.

J: I know.

AS: And crucify you.

J: It's supposed to happen.

AS: What are you? A glutton for punishment?

TV Announcer: In the beginning, there was Arnold.

AS and J are seen walking and talking.

AS: I'm a cybernetic organism; living tissue over metal endoskeleton. My mission is to protect you.

J: I appriciate your concern, and I realize you've traveled a great distance. But there's a plan, a master plan even, and I can't explain it to you now, but you must, you MUST stay away.

As J finishes his sentence, AS targets the soldiers, and aims to shoot them. As he pulls the trigger, J points the gun towards the sky, and the soldiers are saved.

J: And you cannot go around killing people!

AS: Why?

J: Because it is one of God's Commandments; thou shalt not kill.

AS: Why?

J: Because it is a sin.

AS: Why?

J: Because it's not nice!

AS: Why?

J (to God): Forgive him, Father. He is a robot from the future.

TV Announcer: Thou shalt not miss this movie. Now, come, witness the miracle!

We now see J and his Disciples at the Last Supper.

J (Standing): Brothers, my time with you is almost over. But for now, let us eat.

AS bursts in. He scans the room, finds Judas, realizes he will betray J.

AS: Eat this!

AS shoots Judas.

J: You just don't get it, do you?

AS: You have been targeted for termination.

J: I already told you! I'm supposed to die for the sins of mankind!

J brings Judas back to life.

AS: I'm programmed to protect you.

AS shoots Judas again.

J: STOP! STOP KILLING JUDAS!

AS: But he's going to betray you.

J: I know! Look, look, I've got a LOT on my mind right now, and you're REALLY starting to stress me out, OK? OK?!

J brings Judas back to life again.

AS: Pontius Pilate at 10 o'clock!

Everyone turns, and AS shoots Judas again.

J (Going for AS): Give me that thing!

TV Announcer: This Christmas, the meek shall inherit the action.

We now see the bottom of the cross, with J crucified on it, being dragged along, and people crying. A soldier moves, and we see AS standing next to an old woman who's crying.

AS: Don't worry, he'll be back.

AS puts his arm around the old lady, who begins sobbing again.

AS: What?

TV Announcer: Terminator Three! The Greatest Action Story Ever Told! Bless this film.

The end

exiztone

Hmmm, this is just the dialogue and isn't all that funny.
I remember it was aired on Tarrant on TV a few years back, I'm sure you could find the clip on Kazaa or Google. It would definately beat it in text form.

quank

oh, ders actually a film clip of this?
yeah i agree, wasnt that fulfilling

spooiirt!!

ah well, what can you do.

UnrealQueen

i thought it was funny !:D

Rabies

J: What are you doing?

AS: They were going to arrest you.

J: I know.

AS: And crucify you.

J: It's supposed to happen.

AS: What are you? A glutton for punishment?

Got a laugh from me.

pyramid man

very crass.


bad use of a humourous moment.


not immune to bad posts yet apparently.