Cyber Widow??

Mrs Jingles

I need a bit of advice please cos I'm embarrassed to ask friends. Been with my b/f for 2 years. Things are pretty good most of the time but I have a bit of a insecurity problem (I'm not ashamed to admit). Anyway my b/f knows this and also knows that a quick phone call would ease my mind -make me feel a bit more 'wanted' but he's really crap at ringing. However he does spend a huge amount of time mainly at work - chatting and flirting with women on msg boards. I know this as I have seen some of the stuff . I'm getting a bit paranoid about this and have had many a row with him about it - but nothing changes and I'm sure he just uses email etc to communicate. So what do you think - should I just forget about this? I'd rather end the relationship than have the stress of this all the time. Any thoughts?

Lex_Diamonds

Get online and approach him pretending to be someone else. Then see how he reacts to you! Entrapment it may be, but you'll get the answer you are looking for and hopefully all of us here will get some entertainment into the bargain.

Caesar_Bojangle

you wouldn't happen to be my moth?

Zombrex

I'm getting a bit paranoid about this and have had many a row with him about it

I don't mean to sound harsh, but the you need to deal with your insecurity problem first, before you can know, for real, if you boyfriend is playing away or just messing around.

I think your insecurity will cloud any judgement you make, and the paranioa you feel could be making you see things that aren't there.

Anyway my b/f knows this and also knows that a quick phone call would ease my mind -make me feel a bit more 'wanted' but he's really crap at ringing.

Again, don't mean to sound harsh, but if he has to constaintly ring you to reassure you that he still likes you, well that alone would put a strain on the relationship. Don't forget relationships are supposed to be fun. It isn't really his job to make you feel less insecure. That is really something you need to sort out yourself. Someone can make you happier, but it should never be someones job to insure that you are simply happy.

If he is chatting and flirting on message boards I would say there is something wrong. By the way just because of what I said above, I wouldn't assume it is your fault. I don't know your b/f so I am not going to assume he is a saint or a sinner, but to be continuing to do this after you have told him it upsets you, it seems like he doesn't want to stop, which also implies that he is getting a lot of enjoyment out of it (possibly not in a good way).

If it truely bothers you that much, and he is not going to stop, I would end it with him. There is absolutly no point being in a relationship that is making you miserable.

But before you start a new relationship I would try and get your insecurity problem sorted out, because that is going to put a huge strain on any future relationship you have, and will mean your paranioa will cloud you from ever really knowing how your other half really feels about you.

JohnnyBravo

Crazy people

McGinty

I would agree with Wicknight, but also ask yourself this:-

Which is more important, Your happiness? Or being in a relationship.

I'm like you I can be insecure and I am working on this at the moment, but I am pleased to realise that my own happiness is more important than being with someone. Knowing and realising this gives me a sense of security within myself. Good luck.

Mrs Jingles

Originally posted by Lex_Diamonds
Get online and approach him pretending to be someone else. Then see how he reacts to you! Entrapment it may be, but you'll get the answer you are looking for and hopefully all of us here will get some entertainment into the bargain.

I had thought about it Lex_D but I really don't want to go down that route - I'm just doing what he's doing then.

hedgetrimmer

People flirt to increase their self-confidence and doing it online is a kind of safe environment, as when one disconnects, the "engagement" has ended and there are very seldom "real" meets or consequences.

I guess better he do it online than in real life.

But you have admitted your insecurities, and it is likely he has his too. Talk to each other about them. IMHHO, a relationship doesn't work when both parties are insecure about themsevles and, from the sheer evidence of this post, each other's committment.

TALK!!

Mrs Jingles

Originally posted by Wicknight
I don't mean to sound harsh, but the you need to deal with your insecurity problem first, before you can know, for real, if you boyfriend is playing away or just messing around.

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I am dealing with that issue Wicknight but because of this situation I sometimes feel I am taking two steps forward and one step back..

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I think your insecurity will cloud any judgement you make, and the paranioa you feel could be making you see things that aren't there.

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Again, don't mean to sound harsh, but if he has to constaintly ring you to reassure you that he still likes you, well that alone would put a strain on the relationship. Don't forget relationships are supposed to be fun. It isn't really his job to make you feel less insecure. That is really something you need to sort out yourself. Someone can make you happier, but it should never be someones job to insure that you are simply happy.

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--- He doesn't constantly have to ring me. I'm talking Once a day here (and I'm feeling very upset for just acknowledging that). Can you imagine going out with someone and feeling that you are very close and then suddenly you are apart - at work or whatever and he doesn't even bother to pick up the phone at all? It got to the point where I ended up ringing him (just the once) so I could talk to him then it would end in a row cos I'd ask him had he a busy day and he would say 'didn't get any work done cos I was on the internet'. That's where my insecurity is coming from.

Emboss

busted :mad:

Mrs Jingles

Originally posted by Caesar_Bojangle
you wouldn't happen to be my moth?

hmmmmmm

Mrs Jingles

Originally posted by McGinty
I would agree with Wicknight, but also ask yourself this:-

Which is more important, Your happiness? Or being in a relationship.

I'm like you I can be insecure and I am working on this at the moment, but I am pleased to realise that my own happiness is more important than being with someone. Knowing and realising this gives me a sense of security within myself. Good luck.

Happiness definitely - Being in a relationship had never been important to me. Now that I am in one I want it to be good and I want to feel secure and happy about it - otherwise what is the point in wasting my time. I'm a fairly easy going person, I very much enjoy my own company and do not have any great aspirations about 'settling down' so it's not as though he would be feeling trapped in any way.
My confidence and my belief in myself have come along way in recent years - but this is the one thing pulling me back at the moment.

Mrs Jingles

Originally posted by hedgetrimmer
People flirt to increase their self-confidence and doing it online is a kind of safe environment, as when one disconnects, the "engagement" has ended and there are very seldom "real" meets or consequences.


Oh I can certainly understand that it is good way of increasing confidence - where someone can either be their 'real' safe - or even maybe the person they would like to be. There's no harm in that.

I guess better he do it online than in real life.

I'd say he's probably quite good!

But you have admitted your insecurities, and it is likely he has his too. Talk to each other about them. IMHHO, a relationship doesn't work when both parties are insecure about themsevles and, from the sheer evidence of this post, each other's committment.

TALK!!

Talking - what I like doing and what he's afraid of...

hedgetrimmer

well maybe that there is the real crux of the problem and the online flirtation merely a symptom?

Victor

This sounds like the mother who complains her son never phones .. but doesn't phone him either.

Mrs Jingles

This sounds like the mother who complains her son never phones .. but doesn't phone him either.

No it's not like that at all.

JohnnyBravo

so whats it like

Mrs Jingles

Originally posted by JohnnyBravo
so whats it like

I believe one of my earlier posts explains this....

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--- He doesn't constantly have to ring me. I'm talking Once a day here (and I'm feeling very upset for just acknowledging that). Can you imagine going out with someone and feeling that you are very close and then suddenly you are apart - at work or whatever and he doesn't even bother to pick up the phone at all? It got to the point where I ended up ringing him (just the once) so I could talk to him then it would end in a row cos I'd ask him had he a busy day and he would say 'didn't get any work done cos I was on the internet'. That's where my insecurity is coming from.

---

I really think I just need to do is sit down and talk to him about all this.
Thanks everyone who gave me feedback - I'll take the good advice I was given.

koneko

[edit] Misunderstood what was said. Reading over it still gives me the same impression but obviously i wrong. Sorry original poster! [/edit]

Kali

koneko did you even read the original post at all? shes didnt meet him online and has been going out with him 2 years.

koneko

Maybe it's me but the way I read that it seemed more like a long distance thing and he wasn't ringing her.
If it's a case of seeing eachother after work and dating normally and he doesn't ring you during the day then get over it. Not a big deal. You see him after work anyway.

Kali, no reason to react with such anger though. It was a simple misunderstanding. Be nice

uberwolf

Originally posted by Mrs Jingles
I had thought about it Lex_D but I really don't want to go down that route - I'm just doing what he's doing then.

you'd just be doing what YOU THINK he may be doing.

in ref to ringing once a day:

Originally posted by Mrs Jingles It got to the point where I ended up ringing him (just the once) so I could talk to him [/B]

But in fairness if you do all the running and demanding of course he's going to pull away from that, its really tiresome for a bloke, sometimes we don't want to talk about it.

And what do you mean, "it got to the point where I ended up ringing him?", would you not normally ring him?

Atreides

Originally posted by Mrs Jingles
should I just forget about this? I'd rather end the relationship than have the stress of this all the time. Any thoughts?

Yes and every other relationship your ever going to be in. Really you don't like it because be talks to other woman on the internet? Jesus I say your fun on a night out.
You are at the moment talking to men, on the internet, should your boy friend be jealous, should he try and control every part of your life? Why should he give up a hobby and something that is a break from boring work, just because your insecure, If he goes down that route before long you wont be allowing him female friends.

Christ I don't know how anybody can be in a relationship without trust, and you look like you will never trust anyone. If he dumps you (which he should) it will not because of another woman, but because of your constant bitching and rowing with him over the internet and your own insecurities.

Silent Grape

Skanger you dont know the girl, or her boyfriend so u cant really be going about saying what he should or should not do.

'just' because she's insecure? 'just'? clearly youve never been seriously insecure in ur life. for me my insecurity sparked me being depressed.

of course the boyfriend isnt responsible for her being insecure, but if we take she is saying without trying to presume what underneath it all, and presume what the boyfriend is thinking, perhaps this man isnt being as caring and considerate as she would like.

'Jesus I say your fun on a night out'
please stop being a bully to make urself feel more accomplished.

mrs Jingles, forget about the boyfriend for a minute and focus on urself. because this isnt really about him flirting or whatever, its about u not trusting urself. try not to take it personally if he doesnt call u, especially if there is not prior arrangement that he said hed call or something. you cant control another person and the more u try the more he'll be drifting away from you.

i went through a bad depressed patch there bout a month ago, i got so paranoid about my boyfriend and his ex, i started trying to be like her, dress like her etc, such was my insecurity. in the end i went a bit nuts. for diferent reasons i ended up in hospital. there i started to learn how to take care of myself, be more independant,l please myself, and stop expecting other people to please me. my birthday was last month and none of my friends got me anything. usually i would have collapsed in a puddle of paranoia that everyone hates me etc etc, this time i said, okay, they were probly broke (which it turned out they were).

keep making urself happy, cos no one else is going to do that for u. next time ur boyfriend doesnt call or whatever, act like u dont give a damn, even if u do. ul; probly get acall the next day.

and take no notice of skanger.

Atreides

Just typical, paranoid female can't get over herself and its the boyfriends fault. Its her problem and he can't be in constant contact with her all the time. She's saying its his fault for being so inconsiderate not to realize she's high maintenance and making for feel bad for being so needy. Maybe he should give up his job and stay at home all day, so he won't be in contact with any of those evil women, yep that's the right thing to do. Btw you don't like your all that sane yourself.