Three hillbillies n' stuff

Capt'n Midnight · 14-11-2003 8:05pm #1

Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas. One says, "Boy, my wife is so dumb. She is so stupid she went shopping today and bought an air conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!"

Then the other guy says, "Ah that ain't nothing. My wife's dumber than that. She went shopping and bought a washing machine." They all laughed because nobody around them had plumbing.

The third guy said, "If you think that's dumb, listen to what my wife did. I was looking in her purse for change the other day and I found six condoms. Hell my wife doesn't even have a penis."

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Paddy English man, Paddy Irish man and Paddy scots man are all sent to hell. As punnishment for their sins, the devil states that he must lash them with his whip 500 times but he will grant them all one wish in return.

Paddy Scots man is the first to be whipped. The devil asks what wish he would like to make. Paddy Scots Man asks to have a pillow put on his back. The devil lashes him 500 times and Paddy Scots Man leaves quite sore.

Paddy English Man is next. He asks to have 5 bed matresses attached to his back. The devil grudgingly grants this request and whips him 500 times. Of course Paddy English Man doesn't feel a thing and leaves with a big smug smile on his face.

Finally, it is Paddy Irish man's turn. The pissed off devil asks him, "So what would you like as your wish? I suppose you'd like 10 bed matresses stuck to your back?" Paddy Irish man replies "Na, I want that English bastard stripped naked and glued to my back."

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This bloke was walking down a country lane when he came across a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The bloke asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg. The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!" "Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked. "No, no," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!" "So that's how he lost his leg," the bloke asked. "Oh, no. And just a week ago, the wife's car slid off the road onto the railway track. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a goods train came through!" "So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said. "No, no." "Then HOW the feck did he lose it?" the man begged. "Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."

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A man is at work one day when he notices that his co- worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co- worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies sheepishly.
"So, really, How long have you been wearing one?"
"Well, ummm, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

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A Scotsman, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Scots man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Scotsman took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Scotsman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Scotsman started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

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Capt'n Midnight · 14-11-2003 9:00pm

A mother is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."

"OK," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, little girl, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers licence. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,"I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now."How in heavens name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly," I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

A woman desperately looking for work goes to the Tickle Me Elmo Factory. The personnel manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets that he has no jobs worthy of her skills. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personnel manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low-skill job on the assembly line. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties, and that she should be in at 8 a.m. the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The Tickle Me Elmo assembly-line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After listening to his screaming for 15 minutes about how bad the back-up on the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggests he show him the problem. Together, they head down to the line.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up from here to Kingdom Come. Right at the end of the line is the woman he had hired. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, takes two marbles, and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the new employee, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday."

"What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

An eight-year-old kid swaggers into a lounge and demands of the barmaid:

"Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."

"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asks.

"Maybe later," the kid replies. "Right now, I just want the scotch."

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Two rabbis were walking past a church and saw a sign reading "We'll pay you $2,000 to convert."

The first rabbi, clearly offended, arched his eyebrows and decided to look into the matter. The second agreed to stay outside.

Twenty minutes later the first rabbi returned. "Well?" asked the second rabbi. "Is it true? Could they really be offering money for a conversion? Did they offer $2,000 dollars?"

The first rabbi just frowned and replied... "2,000 dollars?... Is that all you people think about?"

This Jelly Bean walks into a bar and gets talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "'Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?"

The Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me" and off they went.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at JellyBean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood off and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are ****íng menthol!!!"

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It's a senior infants classroom on a warm summer afternoon.

Teacher: We are going to have a spelling competition this afternoon. Anyone who can spell a word correctly can go home early. We'll start with Mary. What did you do at lunchtime, Mary?

Mary: I played in the sand-pit.

Teacher: Mary, can you spell "pit?"

Mary: P . . . I . . . T?

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Tommy, what did you you do at lunch?

Tommy: I was playing with my toy car.

Teacher: Tommy, can you spell "car?" Tommy: C . . A . . R

Teacher: Very good, you may go. Now Johnny, why are you crying?

Johnny: (sniff) 'Cause Tommy and Mary wouldn't play with me at lunchtime, just 'cause I'm black (sniff).

Teacher: My my. That's racial prejudice. Johnny, can you spell "racial prejudice?

A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother
"Mom am I a real polar bear?"
"Of course you are" his mother replied.

The young polar bear asked his father.
"Dad, am I a real polar bear?"
"Yes, you are a real polar bear."

A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents,
"Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?"
"Yes" said his parents.

Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents
"Are all my relatives real polar bears?"
"Yes, they are all real polar bears" said his parents.

"Why do you ask?" asked his mother.
"Because," said the young polar bear,"I'm ****íng freezing"