history of the world part 1

waffles

history

quank

LOL excellent......


It was a sad time in the history of the world. A very sad one. Mother fought daughter. Eight-day old toddler fought toothless, on-the-way-out grandfather. It was bloody mayhem. Hector killed Hercules, kicking him in the nuts with his big toe. Then he too was killed, his onetime pal Achilles spiking him with a big javelin thingy. Cute hoor that Hector was though, he stabbed Achilles in the heel as he stood gloating above him, munching on some cereal. "Curse you Hector," Achilles cried, slowly bleed to death, saying every now and again, "curse yee too, infernal Coco Pops" as he bled.

funniest paragraph!

cant wait until Part: II !!!!!!!!!

" Sex! Christians! King Arthur! More Monkeys!!! "

Capt'n Midnight

Screw Jamie Oliver and his minging kitchen. Master chef Johnny Byrne is here to fill you in on all the tricks of the trade...



Secrets of the Master Chefs

* Use pretentious vegetables like asparagus with everything. People automatically think that a meal is haut-cuisine if there's at least one vegetable they haven't eaten in the last month included in the ingredients.

* Immediately after putting a dish in front of someone, feign embarrassment about forgetting the special ingredient. While they're distracted, rub your index finger and thumb on your right hand together just over their plate. It looks as if you're sprinkling a special garnish.

* Serving Vodka with a meal has the added bonus of killing taste buds and alleviating bad company. While this may seem odd, tell your guests that it's organic and/or that it "helps the coriander reduce…"

* Hit pots against each other while your guests are in "the reception area," then casually walk in there with wine in hand whilst checking your watch (which preferably will hang from your waist) and say something like: "Shallots should be done soon…."

* When somebody asks what something is and you don't know, the age old "just a little something" trick comes into play. For example: "John, what are these little white balls in the turkey?" Giblets, bitch. "Oh, just a little something I prepared last night before going to bed."

* Refer to wine as 'old world' or 'new world.' Keep expensive looking bottles so that you can fill them with plonk.

* Stuffing is stale bread crumbs and any combination of other stuff. Hence, "stuffing." For best results, add some red stuff, some green stuff and some yellow stuff.

* Desserts are far more aesthetically orientated than any other course. Keep the fancy plates till this course and the Viennetta will blow their minds. If you haven't got any fancy plates, get your guests to top up those glasses of vodka and tell them "dessert will be here….soon."

* Use as many foreign languages as possible. Be weary though, most people have a base of French. If your dish is "Hungarian," they definitely won't have heard of it. Hungarian sounds like Welsh if you're going to give it a bash.

* Invent quaint stories about how you found out about the dish you're serving. "I bought a rug from this linen farmer in the Peruvian hills and he wouldn't let me leave without giving me his favourite recipe for spring chicken. And thank God he did…."

* Nothing you cook is local. That would be so gauche. Everything is from obscure places. "The tomato sauce is from….Budapest."

* If something doesn't mix so well with something else, keep them at opposite sides of a large plate (and you don't have to include both of them on your own plate), and refer to the meal as "fusion."

* You don't use salt; You use "spices of the east."

* Similarly, it's not "starters", it's "entrée."

* A good host would never serve a meal without enough forks and knives. If you don't happen to have enough forks and knives, most people can be convinced to eat with their fingers on the condition that it's how you saw "the villagers in Slovakia doing it."

* Always have bread on the table. Regardless of how bad the meal is, it's sure to make great sandwiches…