Tech support

Tellox

1. When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee.

It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it

buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals,

dried flowers, and trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply

moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete

it at once. We're probably just testing out the email system.

4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain

your problems(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to

serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask

him a computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at

all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone

line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and

flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual

greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message, and

wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director

because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common

courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's

electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer

support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's

chair

with no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love

a good mystery.

11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a

setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything;

we

just love to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't bother

going.

We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times.

Print jobs frequently just disappear for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job

to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16 If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go

around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers.

We're

grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one,

eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.

18. Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!

19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on

this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your

computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your

dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were

designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the

mail

upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of crumbs, nail

clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on that

Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be

doing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing

about that computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional

expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support.

Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and

Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional

engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your

secretary

to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a

third party who doesn't know jack @#$# about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a

high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and

processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller

chunks.

God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print

queue.

28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a

computer question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the

grocery store on weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on

the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there

for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access

database flip out.

30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at

the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get

back to playing DOOM. We'll get right on it because we have so much free

time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all

day anyway.

malico

as a techie in a lareg organisation i have to say...
SOOOOO true. Expecially numbers 1 to 30

red_ice

as my sig says, im in that game too. Couldnt be more true, and funny when you get them calls..

The best one is...

<costomer>Hi, my modem wont work
<me>ok sir, have you got your cd with the drivers there?
<costomer>Yup!
<me>ok can you put it into your cdrom there and run the disk?
<costomer>Well, thats the thing, im not at the computer at the mo, i was just ringing to see if you would replace my machine.
<me>ok, no? Try calling me when your at the machine ok? k. Later
<costomer>Sorry about that
<me>Ahh its ok, im used to fools like yourself!

(total exaduration, but never the less you get the feel)

I have an example of 1-30 and it made me laugh to think about it

funny post

BigEejit

Originally posted by Tellox
Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.

Well .... that would be true if I wasnt fixing broken machines all day!!

Capt'n Midnight

I've worked in a call centre and have had home users ringing in saying
"I can remember my password, but what's my username ?"

After coming back from holidays I found that my password had expired so I could not log on. So I rang the internal IT dept and told them that. They asked me to send them an email... At which point I reminded them of the original problem..

"The Hold button is your friend."

quank

LOL so true and excellent
number 15 is best

red_ice

Originally posted by BigEejit
Well .... that would be true if I wasnt fixing broken machines all day!!

yup! broken machines like...

My graphics card is broken - k ill take it in and test it. Look here, a driver reinstall.

LegacyUser

1, 2 and 30, all the time

phoenix2181

I started of in tech support a couple of years ago myself, I still wake up screaming at night but the counselling helps somewhat...

But in all fairness some people who are "tech support" are just as bad as the callers ringing them.... our inhouse tech support are glorified answering machines...some regular punter just of the street with no clue about computers...

pyramid man

well i was working in a factory during the summer and the tech support people were abused so much. they were called for the smallest little things like " The computer wont Work"

"ok ok ok. Switch it on."

"ok thanks."

then everyone said that they did nothing but i find that absolutely impossible to believe because the main techie was out on calls all day.

it really sucks.

tba

Originally posted by pyramid man
...i find that absolutely impossible to believe because the main techie was out on calls all day.

it really sucks.

He probably wasnt, he just wanted to get a break away from the stupid, questions ie I cant find the shortcut to word on my desktop, .....oh wait I see it now.

ando

Originally posted by pyramid man
" The computer wont Work"

"ok ok ok. Switch it on."

"ok thanks."

thats actually happened to me a few times. Only last week I got a call to go out to a 'server down' issue. I went out and all I had to do was put the power cable in and switch it on :eek:

swiss

I've had far too many stupid calls to recount here, some of the ones I remember - as close to verbatim as I can recall are:

Member: Hi, I can't connect
Me: Okay, what happens when you try to connect? Do you get a specific error message or does it hang/stop at a particular stage?
Member: It says "no dial tone"
Me: Okay, have you checked your physical connections?
Member: What do you mean by that?
Me: Well, that there is a secure connection between your modem and your telephone socket.
Member: Oh, do I need a telephone line to connect?

For each call we receive, we must log the problem as part of a casebase - a database of known problems. Of course there was no entry for this level of stupidity, so I had to fill in a report on it :rolleyes:

Another I received was:

Me: [standard greeting]
Member: Hi, I can't seem to connect. Can you help me?
Me: Well, I'll certainly try.
Member: Okay, thanks! [hangs up]

I don't know what he expected me to do via telepathy.

Yet another

Me: [standard greeting]
Member: Hi, my screens gone black while using your software.
Me: Okay, is your PC still switched on?
Member: How can I tell?
Me: Is there a light on anywhere on your PC?
Member: [after a minute or two] Yes. There is one on underneath the monitor.
Me: What colour is that light? Is it orange? [At this stage I felt I knew what the problem was]
Member: Yes, a kind of yellow orange.
Me: Move the mouse.
Member: It's worked! Thanks!

Maybe the default screensaver should just be a big text box saying "THIS IS A SCREENSAVER j00 N00B"

Of course, I cannot fault all of our members. Some were so intelligent and knowledgeable, they had OS versions I had never heard of!
Such examples included

- Windows PX
- Windows 2000, Millenium Edition
- Windows 97
- Windows 2099 (Don't ask)
- Windows 89
- Windows 7 and Windows 8 (these were the numbers of the client software we supported).

Töpher

ROFLMAO

Havelock

Best one I had:

Me: Hi, how can I help
Customer:My printer won't work
Me:Ok, lets see if we can fix it, what does the computer say when you try to print
Customer:Nothing, just get a printer not found thiny
Me: Have you installed the software?
Customer:Yeah
Me:Ok, lets run through it.

(30 minutes walk through of set up program, settings etc)

Me: Still nothing
Customer: Nope
Me: And your sure it securly connected at the back?
Customer: yeap
Me: and pluged in
Customer: Oh!
Me: What?
Customer: You not going to believe this
Me: You didn't plug it in?
Customer: How'd you guess?

Or the guy who deleted his internet connection icon and I thought it was a co-worker taking the piss, so told him he'd deleted the internet. Hehehe. Poor guy is still on the run probably.

Standard Toaster

*shudders*


Customer: Ok...it now says "Press any key"
Me: Ok, go ahead.
Customer: Which one is the anykey.
Me: The key in the kitchen behind the cornflakes box.
Customer: ?....I don't understand!
Me: Here look, I'll send ye an email for your problem.
Customer: Grand.....(supplies email)
Me: Goodday


This is the link I usually send.

daveJAM

I can actually verify the last 2 that swiss posted because I was listening into those calls during training.

One of the best ones I've gotten is:

Me: (Standard greeting)
Cust: I cant get connected to Broadband!
Me: Ok and does it give a specific error message when it tries to connect?
Cust: Yes. It says; The modem has reported that there is no carrier signal!
Me: Hmmm! One moment please.
/me checks records, customer doesn't have a Broadband connection with [ISP]!
Me: Do you actually have a Broadband service?
Cust: How would I know that?
Me: Did you actually order Broadband from us?
Cust: Oh no! Is that why I can't get connected?
Me: Em yes, what made you think you had Broadband?
Cust: Well I have a disc that says Broadband on it!


Another great one was:

Cust: The modem has reported that there is no carrier pidgeon.

I came so close to telling her the infamous pidgeon story. I actually would have except that I could hear her husband in the background shouting "SIGNAL, CARRIER SIGNAL!"

Standard Toaster

Originally posted by daveJAM I came so close to telling her the infamous pidgeon story. I actually would have except that I could hear her husband in the background shouting "SIGNAL, CARRIER SIGNAL!"

LOL
Yeah, why do the "husbands" always get the wifey to ring in?