unhappily in love

LegacyUser

ive been with my boyfriend for ayear and a half. i love him to pieces but we alays seem to be fighting, or on the brink of breaking up. he's been there for me through the worst timesin my life.

the strange thing is over time ive become more insecure about his love for me (ud think it would work the other way round - start off insecure and then build up trust) and he's very suspicious and jealous and overpossesive. ive just realised recently how little freedom i have in the relationship.

we are both very sensitive people, which doesnt help matters because we both get hurt and upset quite easily. i feel that lately he has lost respect for me, but im not sure how to explain why i feel like that.

im very confused. id be destroyed without him, and im sure he wouldnt do too well without me either.

but ive been with himsince i was in school and im in second year of college now, i feel like i need to move on, because our relationship seems to be stuck at the one level since we started going out.

i know a lot of our problems are my fault, i have a lot of issues and am seeing a therapist, and it does get tough sometimes.

right now im scared that we mightened make it through the next fight together. i do really love him. id like to suggest a break just to clear my head and reassure myself that im okay just being with me because i feel like im being way too dependent on him for emotional support and i know he feels drained sometimes.

anyway sorry for the rant. i really need to clear my head everything is getting way too confusing. i feel like im trapped inside this relationship (though i love him) i feel like i need a bit of space. how to explain this without hurting his feelings is another thing.

sorry again for the rant. any advise is appreciated

The Clown Man

Honestly, do you need advise?

I think if you read through your post you'll see that you've said it all.

angelofdeath

seems to me like hes taking you for granted, you should tell him that you need space and stop seeing him for a while and then when you and he realises how much you love each other and miss each other maybe you'll have a different outlook on your relationship and focus on all the good points, if its the real thing you'd be stupid to give up on it completely, every relationship goes through its bad patches, but hopefully you can work it out, good luck

Seraphina

Originally posted by SarahL
id like to suggest a break just to clear my head and reassure myself that im okay just being with me because i feel like im being way too dependent on him for emotional support and i know he feels drained sometimes.

then why dont you?
he'll understand if he knows you well enough and really cares about you.

Beruthiel

being in a relationship where you both are always fighting is harmful for both of you and not healthy – It does nothing for your self esteem and you are more times than not unhappy. This type of relationship doesn’t get any better, it normally gets worse. You know, it is possible to love someone and not be able to live with them, I think you know what to do already. You need to be with someone you are more compatible with, someone you don’t need to fight with on such a regular basis.
Being dependant on someone is not good for you or him, it weakens your esteem and puts unnecessary pressure on him, which in turn he will resent.
A proper relationship is based on two people being independent of each other for it to work. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet so you can respect yourself, this will not happen while you continue the way you are now.

MojoMaker

..and just to augment what Anna has said, what you are feeling is not love in the true sense of the word. At your age you lack the emotional maturity to differentiate between love and dependent cathexis. You need to break away or your emotional development will be stunted, sadly. Independence is the key to a fulfilling relationship and in every case where this is lacking, without exception, it cannot be called love, even though it may feel like it.

If he is jealous, possessive, and by the sounds of it paranoid, have you suggested that he should go see a therapist? Sounds like he might benefit a lot from some emotional advice from someone skilled in the art of spiritual growth. It is not your fault, so if nothiing else, learn to leave the blame behind you, that is one of the first steps you will need to take.

Dependence is the single biggest relationship killer and it takes serious effort to break it, and with some people you will never be able to break it. In those cases the only realistic choice available to preserve your own well being and emotional health is to move on.

Bear in mind that you have many years yet before you have the experience & maturity necessary to distinguish between love and infatuation/dependence/cathexis/need and to recognise true love when you see it. True love is not a feeling, it is a state of being.
The good news is time is very much on your side. Enjoy it Sarah!!

patch

Jaysus lads, I think your all being a tad harsh on the lass.
It doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, there is a chance that their just going through a rough patch.
That can happen you know! Perhaps if they take a break for a while they'll both get their heads clear? Then they can take it from there......

Beruthiel

well patch, we can only go on what sarah has told us

and to quote her

love him to pieces but we alays seem to be fighting, or on the brink of breaking up

now she hasn't mentioned how long this is going on (which would be helpful) however, I'm going on the assumption that is quite a long time - perhaps sarah can correct me on this one.

However, I am speaking from experience with regards to what it's like to be with someone you are always fighting with - and I'm so glad to be out of that one!

Typedef

Originally posted by SarahL
he's very suspicious and jealous and overpossesive. ive just realised recently how little freedom i have in the relationship.

You've just married/(gone out with) your father.

Welcome to the wonderful world of the Electra complex.

Dump him, but, find somebody else to fill the void (a rebound person).

This is the classical wisdom, but, nobody ever speaks of it, since it's not too PC.

*sigh*

star gazer

If there's friction, there is something that is unwelcome in the relationship. Ask yourself why you get angry (you've already done some asking), what you want from the relationship and how you can move to that point. If you keep fighting there is something that needs to be changed or maybe there is something short-term causing the 'patch' that will run it's course. inter-dependence is important in a relationship as much as independence, if you don't depend on your partner to to give you a little lift just by being together, what's the point in being in the relationship? Of course having your day totally dependent on the mood and activities of your partner isn't healthy and is very risky. Trust the combination of your head and your instincts to make the right choices.

LegacyUser

i really couldnt break up with him, i am in love, whether u think im too young or not (im 20) i have been infatuated with ppl before but we've been together for a very long time. if it is anything but love between us i dont think we wouldve lasted so long.

i think its mainly me thats the problem, im way too dependent and have somehow taught my bf to lean on me heavily too.

the arguing etc has been happening for quite a while, mainly due to me being upset my best friend dumping me. if something annoys my bf, he gets angry, then shuts up about it and doesnt mention it again. I HOWEVER need to talk long and hard about these things.

what do u think if instead of taking a break and suddenly tearing myself away from him, i could cool the whole relaitonship down a notch by not talking to him on the phone at least twice a day, by not running to him at lunch to see if he's free, and so on.

its a strange one though, he knows im too dependant on him, but when i go out separately with my friends from college he gets grumpy that he didnt get asked too, then more often than not i end up sitting in with him.

mojomaker i think im making him out to be worse than he is, and there is NO WAY he'd see a counseller unless he's the one who came up with the idea.

im also a little bit obsessive about his ex, who i unfortunately have to see in work every weekend. she is GORGEUS, absolutely the most beautiful girl and everybody loves her. i have a pretty low self esteem to put it mildly and i dont understand y he likes me better than her. then i get suspicious that he's just settling for me because she dumped him.

if i asked him to take a break there is no way he wouldnt think it was because of him. he'd take it very personally, even if i did explain how it would be good for our relationship. i dont want to give up on it altogether, we are great together most of the time. it jsut seems like there are too many extremes in the relationship, either we're about to break up, or we're incredibly happy together.

i dont think he trusts at all any more. i cant put a foot out of line, even if it has nothing to do with him. i mentioned how i might like to go travelling with my sister over the summer and he got all grumpy that id leave him for six weeks!

if he said that about himself i would be so chuffed for him that he got such a good oportunity. he says that if u really love someone u hang on to them and dont let them go. i say if u love someone u can let them go if its what they need and ur own needs shouldnt be so much at the forefront.

im very confused about the whole situation.

CivilServant

Originally posted by SarahL
i really couldnt break up with him, i am in love, whether u think im too young or not (im 20) i have been infatuated with ppl before but we've been together for a very long time. if it is anything but love between us i dont think we wouldve lasted so long.

i think its mainly me thats the problem, im way too dependent and have somehow taught my bf to lean on me heavily too.

Maybe you thought it was love originally but now it sounds like its comfortable, its what you know, you can deal with arguing rather than seperate for a while and get some perspective on things. You already know ur dependent on him so u gotta figure out what to do to be more independent. It's hard at first but independence is much better than being dependent. Better the evil u know, etc.

the arguing etc has been happening for quite a while, mainly due to me being upset my best friend dumping me. if something annoys my bf, he gets angry, then shuts up about it and doesnt mention it again. I HOWEVER need to talk long and hard about these things.

This is in fact normal. Refer to other threads for solution.

what do u think if instead of taking a break and suddenly tearing myself away from him, i could cool the whole relaitonship down a notch by not talking to him on the phone at least twice a day, by not running to him at lunch to see if he's free, and so on.

Once again be more independent, and don't go running to him everytime he wants you there. Don't u have a life with things to do? Keep urself busy with your own life and interests.

mojomaker i think im making him out to be worse than he is, and there is NO WAY he'd see a counseller unless he's the one who came up with the idea.

Have you seen big fat greek wedding. The answer is within

im also a little bit obsessive about his ex, who i unfortunately have to see in work every weekend. she is GORGEUS, absolutely the most beautiful girl and everybody loves her. i have a pretty low self esteem to put it mildly and i dont understand y he likes me better than her. then i get suspicious that he's just settling for me because she dumped him.

Well at least u don't have to worry bout him getting back with his old gf. If ur supicions are true, what would u do then? Would you leave him?

if i asked him to take a break there is no way he wouldnt think it was because of him. he'd take it very personally, even if i did explain how it would be good for our relationship. i dont want to give up on it altogether, we are great together most of the time. it jsut seems like there are too many extremes in the relationship, either we're about to break up, or we're incredibly happy together.

Well obviously duh! Ask for the break and see how he reacts. Then you can judge where to go from there.

i dont think he trusts at all any more. i cant put a foot out of line, even if it has nothing to do with him. i mentioned how i might like to go travelling with my sister over the summer and he got all grumpy that id leave him for six weeks!

I'd be pissed off too. Why don't u go travelling together if you love him so much?

if he said that about himself i would be so chuffed for him that he got such a good oportunity. he says that if u really love someone u hang on to them and dont let them go. i say if u love someone u can let them go if its what they need and ur own needs shouldnt be so much at the forefront.

This is true but it's always different when the shoe's on the other foot. You're getting the chance to get away and have a trip of a lifetime and he's well... stuck here doing what?

im very confused about the whole situation.

Don't be just listen to boards opinions, make up your own mind and do it. BTW 20 is still very young.

Typedef

Originally posted by SarahL
i could cool the whole relaitonship down a notch by not talking to him on the phone at least twice a day, by not running to him at lunch to see if he's free, and so on.

To be honest, that'd piss me off if I was your fella. Certainly, aside from being cheated on, there's nothing worse then having somebody fawn all over you. It's seriously annoying.

I don't know if you fawn all over the guy, but, the above, in 'itself' would drive me mental.

There's a difference between love and all that crap (which I don't subscribe to FYI) and hanging off of somebody.

Maybe it's just me, but, Christ, I'd back off a bit if I was you. I don't mean be a bitch, or cold or distant, but, you know, let the guy have a life ... outside of you.

star gazer

originaly posted by SarahL
i could cool the whole relaitonship down a notch by not talking to him on the phone at least twice a day, by not running to him at lunch to see if he's free, and so on.

Sounds reasonable, just remember any big change in behaviour will affect him and he may get even more suspisious.

MojoMaker

Correct me if I'm wrong but your boyfriend doesn't sounds too evolved Sarah. Certainly a lot less than you for starters. The way you have gathered your thoughts and presented them here and the very fact that you are spending so much time thinking over your feelings indicate you are considerably more mature than him.

Perhaps the dependence you sense is in fact quite the reverse. That is what I pick up from your postings...it just may not be obvious to you yet.

LegacyUser

i dont fawn all over him at all typedef it just so happenes that i rarely get to have lunch with my friends on my own because i ALWAYS See him at lunch. its not bad at all, but i want to be able to choose what to do for lunch without feeling guilty.

i think he is really dependant on me too but i think it stemmed from me.

typedef, its like our lives are one life. he tells me wverything he's doing and i do the same. i think of him constantly when we're apart. tbh i feel like im married 2 him.

civil servant, ur right about it getting way to comfortable. i dont really care any more about how i look in the morning, and i really miss all that excitment. but maybe this is better because im able to be more comfy?i dont know.

the whole travelling thing was because my sister has lived in the states for the past few years so i never see her. he knew how it would be innappropriate for him to be there as well.

i dont want to break up, or cause loads of stress by going on a break. so im going to invest more in my own stuff and my own seperate friends, instead of investing so much in him for my happiness.

ah i know 20 is still young, thats what everyone tells me anyway. my birthday was only a couple of days ago i feel so old!!

anyway, thanu all so much for all your replies
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