fed up with boys being bad

LegacyUser

hey everybody, i just wanted to rant a little because this is doing my head in. nearly 4 years ago, when i was 16 i was raped... i think.. i was very drunk and all i remember is lying in the grass crying while he had sex with me. so im fairly sure i didnt consent to it. anyway that isnt the issue.

4 years on and im still not over it. for some reason i attract boys who only want me to have sex with me, and then **** off. its like im too eager to be needed and loved etc etc.

ive had other not so nice moments like when a big issues seller forced his way into my car and groped me. i dont understand why these things happen to me. i felt so guilty about rejecting my best friend that i slept with him,i know it sounds crazy but i didnt think i was good for anything else except sex, and i was too desperate for him to like me again.

im so confused and ive been really depressed since being raped. all my friends have drifted away because im not as fun and carefree as i used to be. no one has even bothered asking me whats going on, they just seem to bitch and lie about me.

im with my boyfriend for over a year and i enjoy sex for about 20 minutes and then i have to stop. usually then im really emotional and start crying etc. i think its really draining on my boyfriend that my head's so ****ed up.

i talked to my counseller only once about being raped but he's a man and i dont like to think of him imagining what happened. but i also dont want to go to a different counseller. i have no girlfriend to talk to about it. i wish i had someone who could relate to what happened to me or at least would just listen. no one seems to want to know and im going out of my mind.

i dont know why im typing all this i cant seem to get my head straight about anything these days.
sorry for rambling on

LegacyUser

Hi,

i cant say i know exactly how you feel, however i was sexually assualted by an older man a few years ago, i havent got over it, i did get counselling for two years and i have accepted what happened but i still cant go out on my own, cant stand being left in a room (waiting room etc) on my own with men, although i have dealt with it in a different way to you it has put me off sex altogether (im still a virgin) i dont like the thought of it, i like you dont have or didnt have anyone to turn to my so called friends didnt want to know, i now have no friends becuase i bcame withdrawn etc so basically noone wanted to know.

i would stop having sex with your bf when your feelings are obviously still very raw with what happened you. Does you bf know you were raped? perhaps just ask him to give u some time away from sex if he doesnt then he isnt worth it. u should respect ur body more with what it has gone through. i wd urge u to get some more counselling, i had mine with a male who was very good.

if i have been of any help let me know and ill try and help you some more

take care

Billy Turdhed

Hey I was going to whack in a reply up to my usual standard but not in this case....what about your parents ..can you talk to them

You'd be surprised how understanding they could be



WOT

LegacyUser

thanks for ur reply,

the friends who didnt want to know arn't even worth caring about. i know its hard i have to deal with my two best friend fecking off with any explanation when i opened up to how i was feeling.

my boyfriend knows about everything thats happened to me and he's been so good to me especially when it comes to sex. and i do enjoy it, just not for very long. i would like to be able to talk about it more. i feel like ive let myself down so much and i dont think i really deserve a person like my boyfriend.

i just want to move on and be confident and happy
thanx for ur reply

Beruthiel

fed up
would you not give the rape crisis centre a go and see if it helps you? I understand it didn't solve all of guest27's problems but perhaps any little help at all is better than nothing, and they do know what you're going through
the link below will give you the info required to get in touch with them

http://www.drcc.ie/

take care
anna

jesus_thats_gre

my boyfriend knows about everything thats happened to me and he's been so good to me especially when it comes to sex. and i do enjoy it, just not for very long. i would like to be able to talk about it more. i feel like ive let myself down so much and i dont think i really deserve a person like my boyfriend.

Beleive it or not, this is what real friend do. So dont feel bad or worry about him being there for you. Just realise that when you do eventually sort everything out and get your head sorted, you will be able to spend the good times with him. It will just make the both of you closer. If you feel like you do about him when things are bad, imagine how you will feel when things are good.

LegacyUser

Dear fed up

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad, but it is not that unusual after being raped.
There is a website called www.handbag.com, there is a thread on it "sex after rape" in the relationship form.
It explains what you are experiencing with you boyfriend (flashbacks) why they happen, how you can get over them and stop them happening.
They are very kind and understanding and it might be very helpful for you to read some of the posts and see how others have managed, felt and coped.

You are very lucky to have a boyfriend who loves you and cares about how you are feeling, (good choice there!) maybe when you understand why the flashbacks are happening it will not be so hard on either of you.

Your friends are totally unworthy and not very nice, you are so better off with out them, that don’t stop the pain of the departure I know!
You are right being raped changes you - as you say not so fun and carefree, but it is ok. For a while it defines you (even if you tell no one) but once you sort of understand it and decide there is no way it is holding you back, the joy does come back into life.

You will meet better friends who will want to be a good friend to you - like your boyfriend. Make sure to accept good friends and not push them away, in favour of the bad - who you will expect and know will disappoint you. And don’t take $hit from anyone.

XXX