Competing With Boyfriends Mother

LegacyUser

hi everyone, i just need your advice on the subject! i fell out with his sister a few months back becuase she was bitching and spreading malicious rumours about me he knew and kept licking her arse to be quite frank, when I found out I went mad so he stopped talking to her then but shes has now managed to turn his whole family against me i can do nothing right so I am not prepared to try anymore, we have had words about it i am getting very stressed, I told him he cant be with me or his mammy. I didn;t say this to him but its as if he is having a love affair with her. I am competing with my boyfriends mother the whole time, it's mammy this mammy that, if i dont see him during the day etc hell be with his mammy this wouldnt usually be a problem but she doesnt like me and has made it clear i havent asked him to choose bcos i dont think its fair, however im getting sick of never seeing him while he takes mammy into town and everywhere i have seen him 2 days in the last 3 weeks, i dont know what to do any advice would really be appreciated

Janine

GuanYin

Yeah, pissing of a partners family is a clever thing to do.

Then, next time you have a fight and he's at home looking for comfort they say "well we never liked her anyway".

If he's not spending time with you, by all means haul him up over it, but getting competitive and posessive over someones family is just asking for trouble.

LegacyUser

The thing is I haven;t pissed them off, in the 4 years we are together I have been more than friendly with all of them, I bought them xmas presents, birthday presents everything. His sister did something terrible to my bf, something unforgivable so after that I decided if she would do that to her own brother then she isnt worth knowing, I cooled my friendship with her but still spoke to her but she decided to carry a huge chip on her shoulder. Im not trying to be possesive I just want to see him once in a while, he;s far to old to be going everywhere with his mother,

Lex_Diamonds

This mammy **** just isnt on. You said you didnt ask him to choose, well you should! Drag him by the ear kicking and screaming, give him a good spanking and you become his new mammy. The family need to cop on and stop sticking the oar in.

seamus

Don't try to compete with his mother. You won't win. Period. If you ask him to choose between her or you, then you turn everyone against you. He'll be pissed off with you for giving such a preposterous ultimatum. His mates will agree that you're a controlling bitch for trying to control his life. And his family will hate you even more.
(The above is not what I think btw, just what the groups of people will think of you.)

Try and encourage him to move out (in with you if you desire). Regardless of how mad he is about Mammy, if he's not living in the same house (and at least 15 minutes drive away), then suddenly it's no longer convenient to bring her shopping every time she wants. And spontaneous occurances of "Oh, we decided we'd go out to dinner, I didn't get a chance to ring you" will reduce to almost nil.
Failing that, suggets that you need to spend more time together, but never mention his family. Blame everything else under the sun for you not spending enough together, except his family. Of course, if he cancels a date, because his family aksed him to do something trivial at the last minute, then feel free to raise hell.

But the key is to not compete. You can hate his family as much as you want, and see they're all a bunch of pricks, but they're still his family. He still loves them.

If he asked you to ignore your family and to spend all your free time without them, would you comply?

LegacyUser

Seamus,

I have tried to encourage him to move out but all i got was 'no, i wont be moving out until i get married' its like talking to a brick wall, i get the lecture 'ive been living here all my life bla bla bla'

i have tried the 2 ways arguing over his mammy and not spending time with me & grinning/baring it but neither works, 2 weeks ago we had a huge row, i started it of course 'going on and on' (his words) he then told me that 'everything was in my head and they were my problems not his' he then decided to run my nose in it by spending EVERYDAY with his F*%$ of a mammy. He has to go home b cos he is tired yet he can stay up talking to her all night

You said: If he asked you to ignore your family and to spend all your free time without them, would you comply?

Yes I did, for 14 months I didnt speak to my brother bcos of my bf a skuffle that he caused, he stopped coming into my house (i live with my parents & family) for about 6 months and i accepted it i neglected my family for him but that doesnt matter. i know we have another huge obstacle in front of us, we have always had to work new years eve, but this year we both booked it off but all ive been getting it 'poor mammy has never been out new years eve' im at the point where i will dump him but i really dont want to bcos even after all he has done i love him so much but he is going to have to choose to spend new years eve with me or mammy there should be any contest shoudl there?

azezil

You seriously need to talk to him about this, tell him his constant references to his mother are making you uncomfortable, i used to talk about my ex's a lot till a partner told me to shut up, its only then i realised what i was doing

As for him spending so much time with his mother and not wanting to move out till he's married, how old is he? is him mother unwell? If not he really needs to cut the strings and get out on his own!

LegacyUser

we're both 25! No she isnt unwell, nothing wrong with her at all. ive told him time and time again, we row constantly about her but it falls on deaf ears i just dont know how much more i can take

Beruthiel

sounds a bit Norman Bates to me
it's damn unhealthy!
fighting over it won't help, you are not going to change his behaviour on this
I think you know what you have to do already, but perhaps you don't want to face it yet
so it's either leave or put up with it I'm afraid

LegacyUser

UNHEALTHY IS THE WORD ALRIGHT! But can I say that to him, bcos I think he would flip!!

see the thing is, he genuinely thinks he puts me first before her, he doesnt seem to think hes doing any wrong

DMT

DUMP HIM

IgnatiusJRiley

Any woman who wants to stop someone being close to his family isn't worth it. My advice would be for your boyfriend to dump you

koneko

Time to cut the umbilical. It's good when your man has a good relationship with his mother, I'd be worried if he didn't, but there comes a time when you leave the nest and start your own. He's 25 for fluck sake, does he ever plan on moving out? Tbh though he doesn't sound like he's too into you, and don't be surprised if he dumps you 'cause mummy dearest decided he can do better.

Fighting with the family won't make things better though, it'll just turn them against you more (which in turn will make him turn against you aswell).

The Sweeper

Run for the hills Janine...

There is nothing more formidible than the Irish Mammy. I've never encountered another race of women on this planet who so position themselves almost as their son's non-sexual lover. Even Italian mothers aren't as bad - they just disapprove generally and you'd better hope you can cook.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's the "me son, me poo-er son" crap that various Irish Mammies can come out with. And sure with a woman as devoted to him as that, what man would desert her for a girlfriend? (Why was Jesus an Irish man? He had twelve drinking buddies and his mother thought he was God.)

You're never, ever going to win vs. The Mammy, especially not from what you've posted up here. And the sister? For 'sister' read 'younger version of mammy'.

Forgetting your boyfriend for a moment, try to be as objective as possible about the rest of his family. How do you feel about them? Have they accepted you? Are you at war? And most importantly, if you're at war, who does the boyo side with?

If it's not you, then it never will be.

Cash your chips and find a man whose mother respects him as an independent responsible adult, and who delights in the idea that he might meet a nice girl.

Typedef

Originally posted by Minesajackdaniels
Cash your chips and find a man whose mother respects him as an independent responsible adult, and who delights in the idea that he might meet a nice girl.

No such thing as a PC mother, all mothers... even 'cool' mothers, try to run their male children's (and possibly female children's) lives.

Fathers, go to the pub, and don't give a toss.

This is the way of things.

Typedef

Originally posted by janineneedshelp
we're both 25! No she isnt unwell, nothing wrong with her at all. ive told him time and time again, we row constantly about her but it falls on deaf ears i just dont know how much more i can take

Christ.

What a wet. Why would you want him anyway... sounds as if you'd be doing the cleaning, the cooking and the tucking him at bedtime.

Best off to get him an action man and Barbie doll and leave him a note like this.

"Dear blank.

Gee, umm, I had a nice time coming over to play and all but, billy down the road has alot more toys... and I enjoy playing with him more".


It's best keeping these things on a level they understand, no?

seamus

Originally posted by Typedef
No such thing as a PC mother, all mothers... even 'cool' mothers, try to run their male children's (and possibly female children's) lives.

Fathers, go to the pub, and don't give a toss.

This is the way of things.

Ah, good old cynical Typie. It's most certainly *not* the way of things. My Mum has 4 boys and no daughters. She's delighted to see the back of us.

She certainly enquires into our lives, and offers advice (if asked for it) but is more than happy to let us get on with it.

Typedef

Yeah.... everybody's mother is the exception.

I'd just like to point out... I'm the only decent bloke...

Sort of like blade and vampires, me and blokes... you know,all their strengths... none of the weaknesses.. etc.

Yeah, I cook, clean and I'm considerate.... not like those 'other' 'bad' blokes.

Oh and did I mention that my religion is better then yours?

rar!

Billy Turdhed

Heres the plan Honey


Adore him ....wash his kex......believe everything he says... think he is next to God... prepare to die for him.... even if he treats you like siht ..have good grub ready for him... if he doesnt phone for a week roll out the red carpet for him when he decides to show up..



Then.AND ONLY THEN will you compete with his mother


PS try black stockings and suspenders... its cheating but it might work!

WOT

LegacyUser

Minesjackdaniels:-

In reply to 'Forgetting your boyfriend for a moment, try to be as objective as possible about the rest of his family. How do you feel about them? Have they accepted you? Are you at war? And most importantly, if you're at war, who does the boyo side with?'

I always knew from day one that they didn't accept me, his mother done nothing only give me dirty looks when she thought we weren't looking (Lucky for me my mam spotted her one day in town) I dont like them, I did try to but they manipulate him the whole time, when we were spending all the time we could together, his sisters & him had a "meeting" you know bcos poor mammy was depressed bcos he wasnt bringing her into town ot where ever she wanted to go, she wasnt herself at all. And he fell for it hook line and sinker and I told him at the time, that they were her daughters if they thought she was so "depressed" why didnt they cheer her up. He knows what they think, he knows when i am at his house his mother ignores me when he leaves the room and licks my backside when hes there. but apparently its all in my head. i do know what i should do but i really thought he was the one, i really ddi and thats what im finding tough. im just hoping that hell change. im not asking him to separate himself from his mother or family im just asking for time for us for our relationship but he then says im being selfish, 'poor mammy is on her own and has no-one ' i just dont know anymore.

Slutmonkey57b

The bloke is a loser. Dump him.


"Dear Loser.

I am going out on New Year's.

Have fun with your mammy, I hope she puts out for you.
I know I won't.

Yours sincerely

Your Ex."

The Clown Man

Hold on ... you want him to pick between you and his family?

If I was him you'd have gotten the boot long ago, with all due respect.

You should seriously calm the fork down and chill. He's always going to love his mother. So your fight is not with him but with the mother.

Why not do this:
Try to make friends with the mother.

Like no matter how tough it is, once you can make friends with her then it'll make your life an awful lot easier. If your BF likes you you can be 100% sure that the mother would be thrilled to turn around one day and find out that you weren't all that bad after all so her darling son was in fact, as always, totally right about you from the start. Wahey.

Just whatever you do don't start this "it's me or her" BULL and cop the **** on and see that he's always going to be his mother's son for **** sake.

This is not his problem, it's yours, so sort it, and leave the poor guy alone. You, my dear, are the one that needs to change.


Honest to God ye women are all completely insane. :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

The Clown Man:-

Have you read all my replies etc, cos you will or should have noticed that I am not asking him to chose, I wdnt do that, his family are his family and they always will be. Don't you think I have tried with his mother, I put up with walking round town with her (every day and in return get looks that cd kill), have put up with seeing her and have her put down everything i say, if i play with the dog have her take the toy away from him, have her shout at him to come back to her if we walk off by ourselves, her coming away with us, buying her presents and getting absolutely nothing in return. I have more respect for myself than to keep crawling to her, ive been there done that and things just got worse, she dictated what days we cd go away. WAHEY!!!!

i think you can try so much but at the end you have to have a bit of dignity dont you think i deserve it

The Clown Man

Well, if you think that you have tried all you can and there is absolutely no way in hell you can ever even find a way to even start to repair the relationship with his mother, then you are left with two choices;

1. Live on with the way you two are living now and hope that sometime they will have a bust-up themselves over it, or

2. Get the hell out of there and get somewhere you'd be happier.

The bottom line is that if you ask, hint, or otherwise that he should remove himself from his mother you will, in the end, get one simple answer; no, she's my mother.

So you would be doing your best, not by interfering with his relationship with her, but by letting him see how your relationship with her is rock bottom, and he should, all by himself, do something about it.

If he doesn't, then choice 2, above, looks the most suitable.

Typedef

Jesus H.

The guy is 25, and won't move in with his chick... he'd prefare to live with his mother..


Talks to corpse:
"What's that mother.... I have to kill her....."
"But mother... you know it's wrong".

Etc.

ferdi

Originally posted by janineneedshelp
the whole time, it's mammy this mammy that

he's obviouysly a loser, you need to get with a real man, send any photos of yourself to ferdi@dublin.com and i'll sort you out.

suppafly

he's obviouysly a loser, you need to get with a real man, send any photos of yourself to ferdi@dublin.com and i'll sort you out.

lol!!:D

Thorntree

Good on that Mammy. I gave my children guidance, independence, love, support, and whatever else was possible. My mistake was not demanding anything in return, like respect and loyalty.
Now they're in their thirties, back with me, free loading, whining, slobs, dumping whatever responsibility that they can on me. They waltz in and out as they please, slam doors, etc. One of them has some decency; the other is harsh and completely self interested. I was seriously ill for a while, and mostly had to fend for myself. Problem is there's a little baby, and it breaks my heart to see the little one struggle for love and acceptance. His mother lets me takeover a lot, but gets very threatened when she sees me bonding with the baby so it's a constant rollercoaster of heartache. So it really looks as if mother's have to be strong and demanding or children will walk all over us. (Not in ireland right now)

Nevyn

This thread is 5 years old, do not drag up old threads to comment on them.