friends

LegacyUser

Don’t know where to start. (long)

Best place is probably the beginning. When I turned seventeen I went through a really bad patch, I found out my mother had breast cancer just before Christmas, and I was starting the leaving cert. I kept this very close to my chest and didn’t talk to anybody about this, expect a friend, who I was particularly close to. I’ll be honest I was quiet innocent before all this happened, a real nice guy never say boo to anyone, never got in trouble, model student, but its fair to say I went slightly off the wall when all this started happening specially as my mother went through allot of treatment and was out of work for over a year. This wasn’t helped by the fact that a teacher in my school got it into his head to spread some pretty vicious rumors about my mother through the student body, which resulted in me kicking the **** out of a student I heard repeating them. It was only later I found out that the source was a teacher, and someone who basically I had confided in.

Anyway to the point, During this time I turn to my closest friend for support and found none, basically told it was my problem and sweet FA to do with him, I don’t know weather he didn’t want to get involved with something that may reflect badly on his with this teacher, just I got the feeling he was playing both sides of the fence. He knew about my mother, he knew how much this particular teacher had hurt me, and he knew the time I was having and just didn’t give a bollox, wasn’t there when I needed him. I kinda suppressed these feelings of betrayal towards him, as I didn’t need another problem, but it stayed with me, in the back of my head for along time.

Here where it gets interesting. Recently this particular teacher did the dirt involving the mother of one of our friends, and basically its ****ed him up as it did me. But this time around my friend’s response to the teacher has been completely different; he has shunned the guy complete and will have nothing more to do with him because of it. This is a mark contrast to what happened when I was on the receiving end. The only conclusion I can come to is that he was playing it strategically. When it was me he had something to lose by taking my side and potentially pissing off a teacher, but now that we have left school he has nothing to lose by being the “good Friend”.

So we all go off the college, the three of us, same college same course, and all of a sudden I find myself unable or unwilling to suppress these emotions any more. Hanging around them makes me depressed, even seeing them makes me depressed so I’ve cut off all contact with the two of them, and to be honest they don’t seem bothered, neither have tried to find out why I have, what’s more the second friend had become a real ass to me in recent weeks, almost as if he resented my presence.

Part of me just wants to have to out with them, but I feel that if I do that it’s the end of the friendships with these two, and we’ve been friends a long time just to throw it away without a word. So what should I do, If I do nothing then that’s it, the end.

secret_squirrel

have you wondered if they are annoyed with you because of your moods? They might have been giving you space to sort out your issues..it doesnt sound like you gave them any idea whats wrong.

Talk things out with them - what have you goto to lose, given the fact it sounds like you are barely speaking as it is?

And just remember we all do two faced things ocassionally, but one of the reasons you have mates is because you accept them for who and what they are. Ya slap them about (metaphorically speaking usually), or take the piss outa them for it for a while then for the sake of your friendship move past it.

I know when my mother died from cancer my mates were the only ones who got me through.

I thank god that I have a core of good mates that I have known since my early teens and before in some cases. Im 31 now..and they are still

logic

maybe your friend didn't really know how to deal with the situation and took the easy way out. It may have taken
a second instance of the teacher being disloyal to make
this friend realise that the teacher is a *****.

With all your problems building up inside, I'd suggest
talking to someone professional about it. Your in college now,
there should be a councilor on campus.......

ixoy

Don't be too hard on your mate. Some people are just really really crap at dealing with heavy emotional issues and someone confiding in them. It doesn't mean they don't care or don't give a damn, they just have no idea how to handle at it so automatically distance themselves from such issues - which seems to have happened here. I've seen it happen to others.

You, yourself, clearly need to talk about it still so I suggest taking advantage of student counselling services. And maybe you'll expand your circle of friends and meet someone who is able to handle such chats. It's no real reflection on anyone if they can't, it's just who they've grown up to be.

segadreamcast

You should probably give up on them and perhaps join a club on campus...make some new friends maybe?

Oswald Osbourne

Don't worry about it man. The only mates that are worth sh!t are the ones you who'll act like your family and stick thru thick and thin. By that I mean take this hypothetical : If you suddently turned your back on your immediate family (like you have with these two guys) wouldn't they at least try to find out why you've done it to them? Similarly a REAL friend would do the same thing - as opposed to acting all cool about it, blanking you and immediately getting on with life as though you never existed to them.

You're worried about ending the friendship by 'having it out' with them. But trust me (and I don't like saying this to you) unless they come to you (very soon!) and at least ASK you what the hell is going on with you for you to be acting this way to them then the friendship IS already over.

It's not your fault on this one. People here might sympathise with the other guys because you're currently acting like a jerk or because they mightn't know how to 'deal' with it. But if a couple of people don't value you or care enough about you and their friendship with you to even take you to task for the way you've been acting then you don't need them around.

And believe me I'm not into the whole 'woman thing' of 'testing' the other person but on this occasion the ball really is in the other persons court. Whether they choose to do something about it or not is one thing, but at least you'll have your answer as to how much of a friend they are.

LegacyUser

started of me thinking we all need a break from each other, now its like **** it. I mean i could be suicidal here (i'm not but i could) and i haven't so such as got a phone call, a how or you or whats the story. seems thats they have moved on and so must i.

jammy_dodger

To be honest, to me it sounds as if they don't like you at all and never really have. I mean if they're your mates they should most definitely be stickin with you through the bad times. not 'giving you your space'. Id say ditch em, if they don't care about your friendship. why should you care about theirs ???

LegacyUser

exactly, its all about what they want, i think i need find out exactly who i am, and no depend on others. At this stage i thing they just sued me to get themselves through college and never really gave a ****.

Its like what really brought this to a head was a couple of weeks ago myself and mate one where ment to go somewhere on saturday, we had arranged to meet up and everything. So that saturday morning i'm breaking my bollox running around getting everythign ready to go out, trying to get everything organised, gets to the time where ment to meet up, no sign of the guy, gave it couple of minutes and rang him, says sorry watching the match can't go. I mean a ****ign football match, thats not last minute or anything, ignorant ****e could have rang me to say he wasn't going to be there, instead of wasting my time. I just said **** it, this guy doesn't even care enough to pick up a phone, every time we arrange to go somewhere and he cancels i have to ring him like just before to find out hes called it off. this is in markered contrast with his behaviour to our other mates, constantly ringing to confirm arrangements, sometimes i get the impression that letting down one of the others is unthinkable to him.


Mate number two went through some heavy ****e involving his mother and stuff during the summer, and i was constantly there for him, inviting him out, going to his gaff, trying to get him out of the house abite, everytime we would go out i'd wait with him for ages at his bus stop and make sure he got home ok, even let him kip at my house afew times, basically trying to be nothing but a decent friend to him. Me get into college and its like he can't stand me and constantly hasseling me about making a show and "what will people think" and being a mean bastard all the time to me.

Sangre

Originally posted by billy no mates

Mate number two went through some heavy ****e involving his mother and stuff during the summer, and i was constantly there for him, inviting him out, going to his gaff, trying to get him out of the house abite, everytime we would go out i'd wait with him for ages at his bus stop and make sure he got home ok, even let him kip at my house afew times, basically trying to be nothing but a decent friend to him. Me get into college and its like he can't stand me and constantly hasseling me about making a show and "what will people think" and being a mean bastard all the time to me.

Im trying to get you to look at everything from a different perspective.

Maybe he thought you were hassling him too much, not giving him space or allowing him to breathe. I like my space and thats the first thing I give to other people.

Also maybe you do make a show of yourself, hes trying to make new friends in college and you could be looking like a mess. Have a shower scruff, and get a haircut.

IrishMike

Dont take it the wrong way m8 but ur friends sound worthless
If i were u id tell em everything that was on my mind
It will either sort itself out for the best or else not
Either way u will know where u stand with them
The crap that is going on at the moment will just do ur head on
Get it sorted and become better friends or else move on
Sorry but thats the way i see it

LegacyUser

More a case of hes quiet and reserved and i'm.. well not at all. constantly thinking people honestly care that i'm slightly mad as he put it. maybe he's trying to be his own man, maybe i remind him to much of something in his past, maybe he wants a rest start and pushing away those who knew him best can make him a new person, i don't know.

Miguel_Sanchez

Sometimes friends drift apart - especially when you go to college.

That's no help but it's true.

Analysing things too much can wreck your head.

hipchick

I think you sound like you care a little too much for your friends (not saying that its wrong but there has to be give and take) and have not received the same respect that should be given..in hard times your true friends rally round to help ease your pain not to inflict more on you.

I think you do need to get all your feelings out there even if it does hurt them but they need a dose of reality.

Friends do come and go but sometimes you meet a true friend that will be there for you when and if you need it and vice virsa.

But hell your in college now and there are loads of really cool people out there just waiting to meet you!

Good luck

LegacyUser

well i think its offically over at this stage. I thought going to college with afew mates would be an advantage, but its cause me nothing but pain. I just couldn't let things go on the way the where, couldn't go on feeling the way i do, pretending comething was there, when there wasn't. I felt such a fake.

I haven't said anything to them, and i don't plan to anymore. Better to drift apart and hold onto the few good memories we have together then face the reality that we where never really friends. honously rips me up to think its come to this, i grew up with one of the lads and i've known the other for eight years, when i think of all the crap we came through together, but somethings been missing ever since the events i described in the first post