soccor jokes

xern

Apparently Liverpool had first option on Christiano Ronaldo, then withdrew after discovering he was two footed, as there was no point in buying a footballer that Houllier couldn't play out of position.

England manager Sven Goran Eriksson spots a turd on the England training pitch with which he replies "Who's sh*t on the pitch?" Heskey replies "I am Boss, but I'm good in the air"
Portsmouth are being predicted to stay in the premership for three seasons. Autumn,Winter,Spring

England manager Sven Goran Eriksson told David Beckham that he was thinking about playing him in the next England friendly but may pull him off at half time. "Fantastic" said David I usually only get an orange!

Phil Thompson went to the Liverpool Xmas party last season dressed as a pumpkin. Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.

Glen Hoddle was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way, you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

A Little Welsh lad is practicing his free kicks at Derby. He has one of those portable walls which he moves around to change the angle so he can shoot from different areas of the field. He takes 50 kicks at goal, everyone finds the back of the net. George Burley is watching in the stands and walks down to talk to the young man. "How old are you son?" asks the hair dying County Boss "13" Replies the young fellow. "Well I am very impressed with your shooting" continues the raven headed manager, "and I must say if you continue in this vein of form, when you get older you may be good enough to play for the Derby 1st team" "Fcuk
off" said our hero "it's bad enough being Welsh"

David James is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of Upton Park and throws himself down in front of a number 9 bus. Luckily, it passes under him.

A Bolton fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Bolton have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. "That's amazing," says the barman. "What does he do when they win?" The Bolton Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies: "I dunno.... I've only had the dog for eight months."

Shortly before his demise, Glenn Roeder was caught speeding on his way to Upton Park. "I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

The Fire brigade phones Glen Hoddle in the early hours of Sunday morning... "Mr Hoddle sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!" "The cups man! Save the cups!" cries Glenn. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a lightbulb? None,
they're all happy living in the shadows.

Why do Liverpool fans put team stickers on their cars?
So they can park in the handicapped spots

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow
White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a
voice Shoutsout "Liverpool are good enough to win the League." Snow
White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

Apparently, Gerard Houllier offered to send the Liverpool squad on an
all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to
Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

A bloke goes into the John Lennon Airport and manages to eventually get
into the departure lounge where his flight home is being called. All
around him there are overturned tables, smashed windows, computer
terminals broken, upturned chairs and crowd control barriers lying on
the floor. "Christ, what's happened here?" he asks one of the ground
crew. "Oh yeah...", he replies "Absolutely hopeless .... we had the
Liverpool players in here this morning filming the new Nike ad".