"I like you as a friend and want to sleep with you"

azezil

A guy i've been kinda seeing lately told me it wouldn't be fair to start a relationship with me because he still loves his ex and believes he's the person he's going to spend the rest of his life with, which is fine, i got that impression anyway so now i know where i stand. However his ex lives in the States and he has 'needs'.

I find myself torn, i am attracted to the guy and i haven’t had much sex with guys, this could be an opportunity for me to gain confidence and become more comfortable with having gay sex.

Can one have a meaningful friendship with a 'fuck buddy'? I put friendship before all else, i enjoy his company but if we started having casual sex would it change things?

LegacyUser

azezil,

To be brutally honest, i'd go find someone else and tell the guy to sort out yer man in the states.
my head would be telling me that.
do you know the guy well enough to think that a bit of fun every now and then wouldn't harm your friendship?

you are too good ( ) and too funny to allow your head to be wrecked by something like this and you should have no problem finding a friend who you are attracted to and wants to be your more stable long term buddy kind of thing.

That advice assumes that you like the guy (who has asked for his "needs" to be fulfilled) a lot.

p.s i don't know you i've just seen you around in here

Pigman II

Sex buddies is fine while the sex is coming. The problems occurs when it stops and you have to get back to being straight-out 'friends' again.

At this point (despite only originally getting into it for 'kixx's' etc) you end up missing it and start to resent the other person (despite being their friend) for not giving it (or for perhap not appearing to miss it as much as you do).

So whilst I'm not au fait on the whole guy-guy dynamic I'd imagine it's pretty much the same. If you're gonna get into it then I'd suggest you get yourself another partner before he cuts off the supply. Of course what that means is that he'll now probably ending up feeling the resentment you've just avoided. And the circle continues .....

Beruthiel

i am attracted to the guy

just physically? Or are you mentally attracted too? azezil, it sounds to me like you run the risk of getting hurt here if you fall for him. By the way he’s talking, he’ll never be yours. I personally wouldn’t do it because of that, but maybe you can take ir or leave it? Can you?

i haven’t had much sex with guys

really??!!

I thought you were getting some every other week!

vibe666

I can't really give you any advise from a gay perspective, but i don't know if that's what you need anyway.

if it was me and a girl was telling me what this guy is telling you, I'd have to think hard about it. on the surface it sounds like a great plan, you get all the sex with none of the responsibility.

on the downside though, you obviously feel something for this guy or you wouldn't even be asking would you?

the question is if it goes on like that for say 6 months with you just sleeping together will you be able to give him up if and when the time comes?

are you even happy with the 'no strings' thing?

if you are thinking that once you have your foot in the door he'll fall in love with you then I'm sorry to say you're probably wrong, cos if he's holding out for this guy in the states then he's really hung up on him, and those things are hard to get rid off. do you really want to play second fiddle to someone else kn owing that sooner or later he's gonna drop you for them?

sorry to sound miserable, but I've never been good at the casual sex thing and have ended up falling in love with almost every girl i have ever slept with.

if you think you can handle it then go for it, but be careful and try not to get burnt.

good luck.;)

azezil

Everything that's been said has been churning around in my head all morning.

Yes i do like him beyond the physical, i like most things about him.

"Friends who kiss", i've tried that and it didn't work out for me, however we've been doing it for weeks and i was really enjoying it, i do think that much i can do with him. The issue of sex just came up last night, and NO I DON'T HAVE FREQUENT SEX WITH RANDOM STRANGERS, i only have sex with guys i care about! (my rep is totally undeserved ).

One part of me is thinking 'no way, i don't have many gay friends and its fun how it is now' but another part is thinking 'yeahey sex' lol

Many gay guys would say sex isn't such a big deal, more like a recreational activity. I dunno how i feel about that.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by azezil
Yes i do like him beyond the physical, i like most things about him

well there ya go then honey!
me thinks you'll be in for a lot of hurt in the future

the never ending tug of war between the heart and mind!

answer this then:
can you handle it when it all goes pear shaped?

LegacyUser

Originally posted by azezil

One part of me is thinking 'no way, i don't have many gay friends and its fun how it is now' but another part is thinking 'yeahey sex' lol

You'd be better off leaving it the way it is then. 'cause once you start the Balls rolling, thats it, you'll run into all the trouble thats been said above.
Thats a certainty and you will get hurt.

You do not deserve that, and besides the azezil thats there now is the one your friends on here want to keep see'ing. ( perish the thought )

azezil

No i don't want to go through all that again, deep down i knew the answer all along i just needed it reinforced.

azezil

I think i need a hug

Beruthiel

Originally posted by azezil
No i don't want to go through all that again, deep down i knew the answer all along i just needed it reinforced.

consider it reinforced!

*hug*

Runfree

Originally posted by azezil
I think i need a hug

*hug*

btw is this not more of a GLB Issue. Might get better advise there.

skittishkitten

*HUG*

Sorry Azezil But I think they are right

Nevyn

Originally posted by Runfree
*hug*

btw is this not more of a GLB Issue. Might get better advise there.

why does it the gender of the people involved in this matter ? I dont think so.

If you think you are going to have/aquire serious feelings for this guy and you know that there is no way that he can feel the same way you will end up being used.

There are those ocassions were even if the sex would be damned good the complcations are not worth it and when the glow fades your feelings will still hurt.

So Az aviod temptation

ixoy

Originally posted by azezil
No i don't want to go through all that again, deep down i knew the answer all along i just needed it reinforced.

Reinforced again! Guys who are still mooning over their exes are best avoided, from any relationship POV, until their heads are cleared. I've found that out the difficult way too.

Keep your head clear, if you can, and distract yourself with something else. Shiny things sometimes work well...

[Edit] Sympatheitc hug also! That's the second received from me since Thursday - I must be getting soft... [/Edit]

Typedef

Yeah you know az you're probably right.

Respect yourself... even if you are dying for it.

Kell

Originally posted by Thaed
why does it the gender of the people involved in this matter ? I dont think so.

Here here. I have a friend involved in the most fúcked up relationship involving her friend actually living with her ex and all sorts of strange fúcked up feelings floating about.

***, I wouldnt continue/start sleeping with him if he still has issues over his ex. Treat him as a damn good friend, even a friend you snog, but keep the sex out of it for yer own sake.

As someone else said, your too nice a bloke to have yer head wrecked like this.

Kell offers hug, and also facial licking. Az likes that you know.

K-

xx

Originally posted by azezil
A guy i've been kinda seeing lately told me it wouldn't be fair to start a relationship with me because he still loves his ex and believes he's the person he's going to spend the rest of his life with, which is fine, i got that impression anyway so now i know where i stand. However his ex lives in the States and he has 'needs'.

I find myself torn, i am attracted to the guy and i haven’t had much sex with guys, this could be an opportunity for me to gain confidence and become more comfortable with having gay sex.

Can one have a meaningful friendship with a 'fuck buddy'? I put friendship before all else, i enjoy his company but if we started having casual sex would it change things?

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong here Azezil, but from my experience most gay men just have fcuk buddies and nothing else. The average gay relationship lasts about a week and then its onto the next random punter. I've never ever seen any long lasting gay relationships amongst young guys - the longer relationships seem to exist with men who are over the 30 year old mark.
I'm not gay myself, but this is what I have seen/heard/witnessed amongst the gay guys I know. Anyway, thats getting away from the subject.
If you want my opinion, however, I reckon you should go ahead with it, as long as you are both comfortable with it. Just remember, this guys american beau could appear at any time and that means you have to hit the showers early, per se. If you could handle that, and he's cool with taking yer friendship a bit further, then go for it.

memphis

Hi Azezil,

I'm probably one of the last people you want to hear advice from, but here goes...............!!!!!

It sounds to me that yor stuck between a rock and a hard place. From what you've been telling us, I believe that you have had your fun, enjoyed it, etc, and now are having doubts about the extent of the relationship between you and this guy.

I hate to say it but I believe this buddy is using you. You will get hurt. If he is waiting around for his American pal to reappear (and it sounds he is still quite keen on him) then he is not worth loosing sleep over. You should move on.

Personally I think this guy can't be trusted. Perhaps you should try talking to him, tell him how yo feel about him, if he doesn't feel the same way about you, end the recreational sex and sh!t and just move on.

This is advice coming from an old friend. I know we've had our differences, and I was a right A-hole at one point, but its up to you what you do in the end, I just hope you make the right decision.

Memphis

hedgetrimmer

Hey azezil

Tomme, it seems like the turmoil that you are experiencing now suggests that if you did go ahead with the sexual element of your friendship, there could be emotional difficulties for you. That is to say, if you didn;t percieve it as a "problem" now it mgiht be okay, but they fact that it is problematic would onyl mena, IMO, that sex would just become a further complicating factor.

I mean, you have the answer inside you...you just need to let go of your desires and fears in your mind and the answer will present itself.

Failing that, come over to Belgium to visit me and I'll bring you to Amsterdam. Only been here a few weeks, but tis getting lonely

*hugs*

Trojan

In general, for male-female relationships, talk about "being friends" means "I like you but I'm not attracted to you".

So in this case, I think it means "I like you some, and want to use you for sex".

(Maybe it's not true for mano a mano.)

You happy with that?

swiss

azezil, to me this whole 'sleep with him' dilemma could be just you testing yourself. I know you only sleep with guys you like, so I suspect you like him more than you're letting on here. My advice is forget it, I know that might be difficult especially if you see him a lot, but the alternative is a lot of grief when things go pear shaped.

this could be an opportunity for me to gain confidence and become more comfortable with having gay sex.

Curious. I would have thought that you were the last person who would have to become more comfortable with gay sex. I'm not saying you're promiscuous or anything, but you've always seemed comfortable with that aspect of gay life. Anyway, while 'fuck buddies' have a purpose you're not going to have any kind of meaningful relationship based on pure sex, and that won't do your confidence any good at all.

You'll find someone you like who will give you the time and energy you deserve. Just be patient.

Typedef

Yeah stand up for yourself man.

Definately don't let some twat treat you like dirt, just because it suits him.

Take it from me, two months after you finish with him... you'd be asking yourself ("What did I ever see in the self-centered jerk?"), and you'd be right too. The only thing slightly appealing about him is the challenge, other then that... you have yourself a selfish asshole, who wants to use and abuse you... and expects you to be ok with that too boot...... cause, then you'd be cool right? Giving him exactly what he wanted.... that'd make you cool huh?

Leave selfish people to be with those who they seek to please (exclusively).... themselves.
Don't waste your time on someone who's just out to satisfy themself and not you.... if the relationship is based around his selfishness, the sex probably would be too...

Same goes for selfish women. Waste of your life...

So what's in it for you?

Answer : Nothing.

azezil

I'm over him, the fact that he isn't txting any where near as often since i told him i'm not interested in being fuck buddies helped there!

He seemed like a nice guy, i wish it had worked out but i'm not going to dwell on it

azezil

Originally posted by swiss
Curious. I would have thought that you were the last person who would have to become more comfortable with gay sex.

I've nothing against gay sex, i'm just a little shy in bed cause i'm inexperienced

xx

Originally posted by azezil
I've nothing against gay sex, i'm just a little shy in bed cause i'm inexperienced

Ya closet Heterosexual, ya

uRbaN

it would be messy no pun intended......dont sh!t on your oen doorstep