Those left behind

LegacyUser

ok, simple yes or no question,

would you continue living if you didn't want to so as not to hurt those who care about you,
I know it would hurt them a lot but they would get over it, everybody who loses someone eventually does, right !

Nevyn

if that is your only reason left then YES
it is reason enough and hopfully you will cling to it enough to get help,
so that you can make yourself and your life better to there are many other reasons.

http://www.aware.ie/
the do have a help line

Locall 1890 303 302 (24 Hours)

ARE YOU FEELING?:

* Anxious or Sad?
* Lacking in Energy?
* Overtired or Unable to Sleep?
* Your Thinking is Sluggish or Negative?
* A Lack of Interest in Food, Sex or Daily Events?
* You don't Value Yourself?
* Aches; Headaches, Chest or other pains?
* There is no point in Living?

If you feel you may be suffering from 5 or more of the above symptoms for a period of two weeks or more, you may be suffering from depression and should consult your GP. However, if you feel you need to talk to someone about it, Aware operates a Helpline providing non-directive counselling 24 hours a day, every day: 1890 303 302. Please ring if you are feeling depressed, need a listening ear or just want some information. Trained volunteers are here ready to take your call so please don't be afraid to pick up the phone. The Helpline has helped many people in the past and continues to do so every day, making it a vital and successful service.

Tusky

yes continue living...I guarantee things will get beter...no matter what situation your in or how bad you feel, in 5,10 20 years you'll look back and think , THANK **** I took that guy on boards advice, I love life...

Victor

If you have hurt soemone, then try to make amends or leave them alone - there is no reason for your implied suggestion of suicide. If you want, move away and start a new life.

Zombrex

Originally posted by Justwonderin
ok, simple yes or no question,

would you continue living if you didn't want to so as not to hurt those who care about you,
I know it would hurt them a lot but they would get over it, everybody who loses someone eventually does, right !

No they never get over it .. not if it is someone close

BTW Are you talking about suicide due to depression or are you talking about a DNR time situation where someone is very sick and wants to die and they let the person die?

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Justwonderin
ok, simple yes or no question,

would you continue living if you didn't want to so as not to hurt those who care about you

you have not stated your reasons, but assuming that is is because you are depressed, please go and get help! this could be just a small blip of depression in an otherwise happy life - you have no clue how things can turn out down the road! Please give it a go, talk to someone - exhaust all avenues of help before you do something there is no return from

The Samaritans - dial 1850-609090

AL][EN

Justwonderin

The simple answer is Yes its never that bad, i know a friend of mine went through something similar to your own prediciment thankfully she's fighting through it day by day and she's over the worst of it but im sure it must have gone through her head once or twice but taking your own life is NEVER worth it. i promise in time and with the right help it gets better,

take the guys (and gals) on boards advise, i did, and they helped me alot

both Thead and Beruthiel have given great advise id really suggest you think about it and take it,

i notice you mentioned "everybody who loses someone eventually does, right!" i didnt really know what you ment by that so i cant really comment about it

g'luck to you i hope it works out for you.

LegacyUser

Justwonderin

I will echo what was said above --

NO, THEY WILL NEVER "GET OVER" IT!

(I have had similar feelings, more than a few times, a long time ago, and I am in a family who was "left behind" by someone who felt they could not continue living.)

The people who love you, like you and care about you will be tormented until the day they die wondering, "why, why, why?!"

They will blame themselves for not being able to read your mind and know how much pain you are in.

Or they will blame themselves for not understanding that whatever is bothering you is very serious for you.

In 20 years they will wonder what you would be doing, who you'd be, if you were still around.

They will STILL miss you!

20 years on, they will still cry and get depressed because they didn't prevent it. But no one will see them crying. They will look like they are "over it."

They will wonder if other people who care about you blame them.

They will wonder if everyone who knew about you now thinks they were bad parents/brothers/sisters/friends/cousins/aunts/ uncles/grandparents/etc.

You obviously care about them a great deal, or you wouldn't have asked the question the way you did. If you care about them enough for them to be your only reason to continue living, it's obvious that they care for you, and that you know they care for you.

HANG IN THERE! Talk to someone ... anyone (friend, teacher, stranger, trusted clergy, AWARE, Samaritans).

I PROMISE: The way you feel about things right now WILL get better.

Tomorrow is always another chance.

Been There.

LegacyUser

Justwonderin

I will echo what was said above --

NO, THEY WILL NEVER "GET OVER" IT!

(I have had similar feelings, more than a few times, a long time ago, and I am in a family who was "left behind" by someone who felt they could not continue living.)

The people who love you, like you and care about you will be tormented until the day they die wondering, "why, why, why?!"

They will blame themselves for not being able to read your mind and know how much pain you are in.

Or they will blame themselves for not understanding that whatever is bothering you is very serious for you.

In 20 years they will wonder what you would be doing, who you'd be, if you were still around.

They will STILL miss you!

20 years on, they will still cry and get depressed because they didn't prevent it. But no one will see them crying. They will look like they are "over it."

They will wonder if other people who care about you blame them.

They will wonder if everyone who knew about you now thinks they were bad parents/brothers/sisters/friends/cousins/aunts/ uncles/grandparents/etc.

You obviously care about them a great deal, or you wouldn't have asked the question the way you did. If you care about them enough for them to be your only reason to continue living, it's obvious that they care for you, and that you know they care for you.

HANG IN THERE! Talk to someone ... anyone (friend, teacher, stranger, trusted clergy, AWARE, Samaritans).

I PROMISE: The way you feel about things right now WILL get better.

Tomorrow is always another chance.

Been There.

Paddy20

Been There,

I would just like too state. That I think your post above must be the most encouraging post that I have ever read on any forum on Boards.ie.

We could do with more people like you on Boards forums. I notice that you have posted as - a guest!. Why not register and stick around. You could save lives!..

All the best.

P.

Heresy

Being "left behind" is something I think we all feel at some stage in our lives.
We look at other peoples lives and see them going ahead in their quest to satisfy a raging ambition or whatever.
All I can say is, try and catch up. I understand that's incredibly difficult if your self esteem or general form is rock bottom.
Doing well in my studies and now in my career was a huge boost in beating the 'black dog'. It has to be said that life is undulating, being able to cope with the downs is something you'll gradually learn.

Dakeyras

Originally posted by Justwonderin
ok, simple yes or no question,
would you continue living if you didn't want to so as not to hurt those who care about you,
I know it would hurt them a lot but they would get over it, everybody who loses someone eventually does, right !

i don't think that it's a simple question in any way but if your looking for a simple answer then 'Yes, continue living' i hope you take some of the advice above and please do talk to someone about how you are feeling at the moment.

Things may seem to be getting on top of you at the moment but nothing in life stays the same and things are never actually as bad as you think they are. If you talk to someone about them, it can help you to realise that everything is not as bad as you first thought.

I can also only reiterate what 'Been There' has said and how true it is. There are many answers out there to what you may be feeling and suicide isn't one of them. For both the fact of your loved ones loss if you were gone and the life that you have in front of you. Right now there may not seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel but i promise you it is there, and you can find it.

LegacyUser

Appreciate the feedback guy's, though I'm not depressed, just find myself with nothing to live for and am 100% certain that things won't change, you'll prolly say thats not possible, but I just know. Thing is today is the 10 years later that Tusky was talkin about, I tried once before cause I knew this would be where I'd find myself, failed miserably cause I was only a young kid who didn't know over the counter painkillers just kill pain . But I thought it would kill me and it felt incredible, every worry you have or ever will have gone just like that,total peace of mind, have never felt that way again.
I don't want to walk down an empty corridor alone for 40 years with no joy along the way. I know what it would do to my family so it would have to be an 'accident' which shouldn't be too hard to arrange, they would get over that, specially with grandkids and nieces and nephews starting to arrive.
Just have to do something, am so tired of thinking about this, all day everyday, can't stop. I know it's not the answer but it is an answer. I was kinda hoping for a few no's from you but i suppose you couldn't really say that even if you felt that way.

WhiteWashMan

Originally posted by justwonderin
I'm not depressed,

really?

Sarky

Yes, it's an answer, but it's a pretty lousy answer to be honest.

Someone somewhere is happy you're alive. There's probably more than one, in fact.

And you'll only walk down a corridor alone for 40 years with no joy if you push people away and sulk all the time. Life is what you make it. Now go make something of it.

Originally posted by justwonderin
Appreciate the feedback guy's, though I'm not depressed, just find myself with nothing to live for and am 100% certain that things won't change, you'll prolly say thats not possible, but I just know.

With Respect.
someone has to say this.
You are depressed.
Go and get the help thats there, the numbers are at the top of your thread.

To say that you are 100% certain that things won't change is nonsense, they will.
You , yourself just have to make them change.

Why don't you post back with some of the reasons why you feel like doing what you say you want to do.
Give us some pointers from your life, causing you to feel like this (disguising enough of the details so as you cannot be recognised).
I've no crystal Ball here, but if you do that I reckon I'll predict there will be workable answers given here to make your life better.

mm

Paddy20

Justwunderin,

You know. Many people who have felt the way you apparently do, have found a new reason for living simply by considering the plight of others, rather than concentrating on how miserable and useless they themselves feel.

What, I am trying to get over too you is that if you look around at others in your circle. Can you think of anyone that needs help, then ask yourself honestly could you help that person, or someone else, maybe even someone you do not know.

Believe me if you reach out and give of yourself by showing you care for others in a positive way by doing it. You will find a new real reason for living. Many voluntary organisations need people to help others in despair, and very often the best people for this type of work, are those who have "Been there!" themselves. Think about it.

You have something too offer others and help society in general as well, while helping yourself .

Please consider what you are prepared to give. If you decide you are prepared to give of yourself, then to give of yourself to help someone else is the - greatest gift* - of all, and the unseen rewards are certainly worth living for! .

This world needs you in it more than you think. Do not throw your gifts away.

Paddy.

Dakeyras

Originally posted by Man
With Respect.
someone has to say this.
You are depressed.
Go and get the help thats there, the numbers are at the top of your thread.

Just have to agree with Man here and say that i think you are depressed as well. And along with attempting to talk to someone about how you feel you should also go see your GP. Depression is a medical condition and not just a state of mind and can be treated as such.

And, Just Wondering, if your thinking about this all day, everyday then you definetly need to talk about it to someone. Bottling it up inside is not healthy for yourself at all. 'A problem shared is a problem halved' as the old saying goes. And no it is not an answer of any kind, it is failing to find solutions to (what you see as) your problems that leads to your conclusion that it is an answer.

Again, please do talk to someone about how you feel and talk your way through it. You can get through this and things can and will change.

Beruthiel

Originally posted by justwonderin
Appreciate the feedback guy's, though I'm not depressed, just find myself with nothing to live for and am 100% certain that things won't change you'll prolly say thats not possible, but I just know


if there is one thing I am sure of in life, it's that you cannot be 100% certain of anything. You are depressed, so much so that you probably can't see the woods for the trees. When you are in that cycle of depression it is almost impossible to see the good in anything. You simply must see somebody who can help you see through this fog you are in right now.
I would be interested to know what has you in this state for so long now

I don't want to walk down an empty corridor alone for 40 years with no joy along the way

so do something about it, please see a professional, surely you owe yourself that much before doing something there is no return from

I know what it would do to my family so it would have to be an 'accident' which shouldn't be too hard to arrange, they would get over that, specially with grandkids and nieces and nephews starting to arrive

let me tell you right now, that if anything were ever to happen to my daughter, I would never get over it. I would spend the rest of my days existing, not living, and it would make no difference how many people were there to distract me. In fact these grandkids, nieces etc would only be there to remind me that my daughter is gone. Do you really think people can replace a son or daughter?
Your parents cannot replace you, there is only one you.
Any parent that loves their child, without exception, would give up their own life for their child to live, think about that, think about it really hard.

The Samaritans - dial 1850-609090
please call them today, you have nothing to loose and they are wonderful to talk to

Originally posted by Beruthiel

let me tell you right now, that if anything were ever to happen to my daughter, I would never get over it. I would spend the rest of my days existing, not living, and it would make no difference how many people were there to distract me. In fact these grandkids, nieces etc would only be there to remind me that my daughter is gone. Do you really think people can replace a son or daughter?
[/B]

Thats very true and puts the situation into perspective.
One thing I'd like to add though.
With bereavement, especially of a close sibbling, there is some sollice if they die of natural causes.
You have provided the best for them and you can look back on the happy times etc, and to a large extent while still hurting at times, you can move on.

When Suicide is involved, from what I've seen of people affected , it is a lot harder to move on.
There is always guilt, a hell for those closest left behind which is not worth it.
To the original poster, go and get the help, thats there, examine your life and let someone ( or us ) independently thrash out the reasons why what you think is wrong with your life, aint the big issue or hopelessness that you think it is

mm

DriftingRain

I tried once before cause I knew this would be where I'd find myself, failed miserably cause I was only a young kid who didn't know over the counter painkillers just kill pain

For the Boards.ie Session in Help.
1. Stop using the pain killers when your as depressed as you are
they will only make you feel worse. Get an anti-depressant.
2. CALL THE NUMBERS ABOVE. TheyCAN help you.
3. You have me and the rest of this boards.ie crew behind you.
Please live your life. As Sarky said, You have to get out there
and make it better. NO ONE is gonna make it better for you.

~DR~

Victor

I haven't written all of this as consisely as this before and all the details aren't here, but here goes.

The first relation I lost to death was my paternal grandmother (both grandfathers died young). I was about 11 at the time and it did not really mean anything to me, as we were not close. I did not appreciate it at the time, but apparently, it made a huge difference on my father (who had been surrogate “father” to my aunts after his father died when he was 15)

Then when I was 19, my other grandmother died (age 96) and while not close, she was closer than the other grandmother. I didn't really feel that bad about it. Well not until I was out on a date and we went to see "My Girl" (the films you go to see when you want a woman :rolleyes:) and I broke down after the film

one of the main characters dies

.

Then in the space of a year when I was 22-23 an aunt and uncle died, both in their mid-40s and both very heavy smokers (I’m not sure of actual cause of death, but I think it was lung cancer and hear attack respectively). There was less of an age difference between my eldest brother and my uncle and my eldest and youngest brothers. When I hugged my cousin after the funeral, it was literally like hugging a child, despite her being 18.

When I was 26, one of the (semi-retired) partners at work died (prostrate cancer), he was 78 and had a fair innings in life. He, while not my “grandfather”, had been the only ever such “paternal” character I had ever known. Experienced enough to know where I would go wrong, but wise enough to let me make enough of my own mistakes. For three weeks I walked around in a daze – three cars hit me in that period. I moved on, but my boss didn’t, he spent the next two years “burying” his father, sorting out the estate, looking after his elderly mother …. the list goes on. My boss (son of the deceased) later told me of how his mother still mourns the death of his sisters, who died at about age 3. That was in about 1957.

Two years later, one of my friends (age 26) died from epilepsy – he just collapsed on his bed and choked to death – his housemates found him the next day. He always knew it was going to get him, he just did not know when. He was South African and the family could not travel so I had to do the funeral arrangements. And while I did my best for the funeral arrangements, sorting out all the other stuff bank accounts, life insurance, personal papers was just too much.

Months later I would think to myself “Hmmm, lets go for a pints after work with Anton” … then it would take a few seconds to realise Anton is not there anymore. For months, I buried my self in work doing 60-hour weeks and trying to make everything perfect, even if it was not my responsibility. I started taking on things my boss couldn’t handle because of family stuff. Things got better, work was going well, I was making money and a name for myself, and my goddaughter (my fourth niece) was born. Things felt good.

Then I was in a relatively minor car accident (back seat passenger in a taxi, other car ran a red light). This completely derailed me. Well, that is the analogy I use, I was a speeding train and with the barest nudge, it sent me off the straight and safe tracks into a metaphorical wreck. Inside a few weeks, I decided to quit my job and become a terrorist (I didn’t in the end), I was going to take a few weeks to clear my desk. I lasted a day and a half before walking out. A week later one of my boss’ clients came to me and offered me a job with a 30% pay increase. I took it, but lasted only 6 months. I did various bits and pieces but became more and more depressed and more and more likely to either go to the beach or stay in bed, than do some work. At the same time, my flatmate was not keeping up to date with his rent (he still hasn’t sorted it) and Mr. Mastercard started covering things – mostly his half of the rent. Cheques from clients started to get slow, so I just gave up.

Then that February, my goddaughter died (cot death - SIDS – Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, no reason, they just die, just like that, didn’t wake up one morning). My brother sent me a text message to contact him urgently, as he had bad news. I would not talk to my family for two days, knowing there was something wrong, but not what was wrong. I could barely attend the morgue where she was. For the memorial service, I sat outside on the steps despondent. At the funeral I refused to carry the coffin - in my thinking it was a “conspiracy” – that I was not going to take part in. I ran away from the cemetery afterwards.

I became more and more isolated and was eventually diagnosed with depression, I was put on medication and while this worked in part, it didn’t solve the associated anxiety. Then I got myself arrested for taking a hammer to a builder’s van parked outside my home (I had asked the guy nicely to move it). I even called the Garda myself. I knew the Garda who answered the call and she could only laugh at me (I’ve learned my lesson – run away next time). Cost me a grand in compensation (most expensive 12 seconds in my life) and no end of worry to the local Garda sergeant. Subsequent builder’s in the neighbourhood have been quite compliant in their parking.

18 months later (3 years after accident) I am still a screwball. I do sod all work (all voluntary), spam boards at least 5 days a week (post count nearing WWM's) and am on two different medications, one as an anti-depressant the other anti-anxiety. However things are gradually looking better, I have not attacked anything in a good two months now (taxi driver ran a red light that was so pregnant it was on it’s way to Holles Street).

Have I thought about suicide, yes I have. But I know it isn’t a solution. It does not get back at the a**holes who hurt me. It does not bring back the dead. Moreover, it will only cause more pain for people who already have enough of it in their lives.

lordsippa

... Let me guess... you're lonely? You don't want help? You're not depressed but damned bored?

Well here's some advice - DO SOMETHING. It doesn't matter what. If you're willing to kill yourself then just do some crazy shít, life on the edge shít. Don't do it to die, just do it to do something crazy. Get a drug addiction. Try EVERYTHING. If you've nothing to lose then why not?

Yeah, this may not be the most caring productive answer, but it's my opinion. I've been there... not down, just lacking a reason to bother. I got better. But that doesn't mean I don't get what you're on about. Doesn't mean things WILL get better for you too. In fairness they probably will, but who knows?

Anyway, to completely compact my advice it's basically to change your life. Do new things. Go to Egypt penniless and try to raid a pyramid. Now THAT'D be a fun way to go out. Just give life a chance. It can be a good laugh at times.

lordsippa

Oh, incidentally, Victor man... that sounds awful. But it's good to see you're starting to cope. Trust me, just sit back and look at the night sky and it all suddenly becomes worth it... just because. No reason. It just is. Life is only the little moments where you feel happy for no reason. Those are the only moments you ever need, and the only i bother to remember.

Sorry if this isn't making much sense... I'm tired so thoughts are coming out a bit oddly.

LegacyUser

Ok, you will probably laugh at me for this, tell me how foolish I am and how it's no big deal etc.Theres just me, always was, never had any semblence of a relationship with another human of any kind, through school, college and now work. Why, don't really know, I'm not an ogre or anything, just never happened, maybe I was too sensitive and after a couple of rejections didn't try, then you find yourself avoiding people lest they find out you don't have any friends and make fun of you. Fifteen years fly by and you find yourself living an empty meaningless life.
I know it must seem trivial to you all and if we swapped places you'd be doing fine in a week but I'm not you, don't have your experiences behind me, don't have anything behind me, yes I know life is what you make of it and I know it's all my

fault but it's so easy to just say get off your ass and go do something about it while at the same time be the people who would jump at the opportunity to take the piss out of someone in my position. If I could just get off my ass and do something about it I would, but it's not always that easy, I have nothing in common with you, I'm a blank sheet and even the thought of giving it a go fills me with fear, fear of rejection, of the unknown, of humiliation.
I'm not depressed, just despondent and really lonely, I want someone to care about and someone to care about me and I can't do anything about it or see it ever happening, I'm stuck so tight a bomb wouldn't shift me. I have tried but it ended really badly more than once and the people involved never see you in the same light again, you just get one go with most people it seems.
So my life has passed me by and I'm left working 9 to 5 and getting drunk alone over the weekend, lots of fun (not) but not a whole lifes worth. I'm not looking for answers I know what the answer is but can't do anything about it. Lately I'll be doing something or just walking down the road and I'll stop and just sit there, for hours, because I'm just not going anywhere so what the hell is the point. I've nothing to take my mind off all these thoughts so I usually just work myself into black moods all the time. Pain works, hard to ponder on how your life is going so badly when you are in serious pain so I'm hurting myself a lot these days, which I know is really stupid and if things did ever change anyone I got close to would probably be scared off by all the scars.
I do want to be happy, have fun and look forward to good times and yes, go do something about it, but if I was the type of person who could go do something about it then I wouldn't be writing this now. I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not

and it's beyond me. I wish it wasn't, I know what a terrible waste it is to quit but it does seem like a real option and at least worth considering, because a lifetimes worth of loneliness, regret and just plain misery is not.
I know this is all self pitying drivel and I'm probably abusing this board by posting it so I'll leave it, Thx for the advice

though, will consider !

Beruthiel

justwonderin
send me a PM I want to talk to you

Paddy20

Justwunderin,

PM me as well. I need to talk to you. Or if you feel that you do not want too do that and you have an e-mail account, can you e-mail the details to:- paddymac87@hotmail.com

Can I also ask you to, at least re-read my original post to you on this thread.

Then consider whether or not you would really like to talk to someone who has [Been there!].

You have nothing too lose, have you ?...

P.

18 months later (3 years after accident) I am still a screwball. I do sod all work (all voluntary), spam boards at least 5 days a week (post count nearing WWM's) and am on two different medications, one as an anti-depressant the other anti-anxiety. However things are gradually looking better, I have not attacked anything in a good two months now (taxi driver ran a red light that was so pregnant it was on it’s way to Holles Street).

Victor : I feel humbled, from reading your post .
{lightening up the mood a little} To be honest, and I mean this, I haven't came across a post from you yet thats struck me as not needing to be there {mood lightened slightly}

Justwonderin : As Beruthial wants to talk to you, Do get in touch with her as again from observing, these boards, theres a great sense of humour there! And a Grandmotherly gift with the advice! { theres all my brownie points gone now... ... after I said, a while back I misread one of Beruthial's posts as saying Born 1983 instead of posts 1983 }
Whoops I meant a Grand ie a Great motherly talent for advice giving

And thats half the battle you know,as I said before, making sure the majority of the company you keep makes you laugh and vice versa.

good Luck!

mm

Beruthiel

Originally posted by Man
As Beruthial wants to talk to you, Do get in touch with her as again from observing, these boards, theres a great sense of humour there! And a Grandmotherly gift with the advice! { theres all my brownie points gone now... ... after I said, a while back I misread one of Beruthial's posts as saying Born 1983 instead of posts 1983 }
Whoops I meant a Grand ie a Great motherly talent for advice giving

I got as far as reading Grandmother and was about to virtually slap you across the head! I do not wish to be one of those for many years to come!!! However you wriggled your way out of it, so I’ll be letting you off this time

yyaarrr

Crucifix

I always want to help on this type of threads, but i never know what to say.
Other people have suggested "do something", which is never as easy as sounds, but just try and think of any hobbies or interests you have and immerse yourself in them. My life is full of music, because it is basically my only hobby. If you can find something like that it can be enough to keep you going, and possibly a window of social oppertunity.
Good luck to you sir.

Raz

Hi Just Wonderin, I guess you can see from the replies that people are at the very least interested in you and a lot, dare I say it, actually care. Hell, I like you already and that's only 3 posts you've made (or was it 4??).
To have found this place to vent your feelings you must have come around a couple of times before actually posting so you may know of The Boards Beer events. You've already met people here who think you're a sound guy and like you so you won't really have to go through the social introductory phase if you go to a Boards Beer event.
In the interveening time I would suggest this,

Originally posted by Crucifix
just try and think of any hobbies or interests you have and immerse yourself in them.
...
If you can find something like that it can be enough to keep you going, and possibly a window of social oppertunity.

Surely there was something that you've done in your life that you thought "This is brilliant!". Not necessarily a hobby but maybe a subject you did in school or a job you worked at a short while.
People live for the realationships in there lives mainly but you can spend an awful lot of time being very happy by doing something you love. And it's in doing things that we love that we make the best relationships in our lives.
I'm a former Roller-blader. It was absolutely cool trying to do all the different tricks and stuff, and it's something I'm going to do more of in my life, and I made some interesting friends doing it too!
Relationships don't form because you decide you want it, they form because they just do. Somebody will come along, be it guy or girl, friends or more than, and maybe they just won't leave you alone, maybe you won't leave them alone, maybe you'll never talk but love each others company.
But to have that happen you must be in a situation where it can happen.
Do things to interact with people, even if you think you're just wasting time. Somebody will come along and they'll light things up and you won't be able to explain it.
The only thing that can stop this from happening is you not trying, and killing yourself is not trying.
Life is short. You'll only get to see each season 80 times if you're lucky. I've seen 22 of each season so far, I've lived about a quarter of my life. It didn't take that long!! We die too soon as it is to think about shortening it.

Come back to us and continue talking. Personally I'd like to read you're opinions on all the topics on boards. I think you'd be an asset to this community, and I think you'd fit in here. So please come back and stay.
Raz.