jokes of the week.

earthworm_jim

prolly seen em before but these ones made me smile


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One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day,
so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house.
Supe: -Hey Spidey, lets go get a burger and a beer-
Spidey: No can do Supe. I've got a problem with my web shooter. Can't fight
crime tomorrow without it.
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up.
Supe: Hey, Batman- Let's go get a burger and a beer
Batman: -Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed
today. Can't fight crime tomorrow without it.
Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies when he
flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his Supervision does he see, but none other than Wonder Woman, lying on the deck,spread-eagled and
stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: They've always said I'm faster than
a speeding bullet and I've always wondered what she'd be like with all her
Wonder powers. So he zzoooooommms down and does her in a flash, and is gone
before anyone can notice.
All of sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, -What was that?
Then the Invisible Man gets off her and replies, -I don't know but it hurt
like hell.
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NEWSFLASH:

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Last night the home of Paula Yates was raided by Sheffield Police department after a tip-off. They found cocaine, magic mushrooms and anabolic steroids - but they couldn't find the other little girl.
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PARROT ADJUSTMENT:

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David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a
minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
David's extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my
behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

Slosh

Best I got this week....

In a sleepy town in Central Scotland, Jimmy and his
childhood sweetheart Morag, are wed. In the Honeymoon bed,
Morag lays down the law:

"Now that we are wed, I have one rule. If you are ever
unfaithful to me I'll chop your bits off!!"

Years pass peacefully, until one day Morag returns home to
find Jimmy in bed with another woman. True to her word, she
runs out to the garden and returns with a set of garden
sheers and exacts her revenge. Still gripping the severed
giblets, she leaps into her car and flees.

She speeds through the village, swerving from left to right
in her rage. This attracts the attention of two local
coppers, Kyle and Shamus, who take off in pursuit. Seeing
them in her rear view mirror, Morag panics, winds down the
window and hurls out the evidence, which thumps with a
bloody splat on the copper's windshield.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" swears Bill, "Did you see the
size of the dick on that fly?"