What makes an American an American

Vader

Americans stand out in the world as being the best. They're leaders of the free world, protectors of the west and all round good guys. So what have you to do to become one?

1) Have at least 4 flags -- one for inside your house, outside your house, on your car and one for special occassions. Anyone with less that 4 flags is a lefty spy, be warned.

2) Use cool words like guesstamate, pinko, islamofacist, commynazi to make your intelligence known. If this doesnt work try mispronouncing "data"

3) Support the president, be sure to say you voted for him, even if you didnt vote(dont worry nobody else did either)

4) Support the arts. Watch fine shows like "when building collapse" and "when things go boom"

5) Explain to locals when you go on hollidays how much happier they would be if they were an american

6) Explain any concerns foreigners might have about your foreign policy with "Your just jealous of our power", "Your an anti-american" or "Shut up or I'll squish you!"

7) Accept what the government tell you are official truths. They wouldn't lie to you, their the leaders of the free world!

8) Order freedom fries in McDonalds & CO. The french are a bunch of ingrateful wine-guzzling, cheese eating surrender monkeys! You think they'd thank us for savind them in WW1 & WW2 and in their war of independance!

9) Be democratic. Watch Fox news and read tabloids and then decide if you want to support Bush 100% or 51%

10) Keep telling yourself your free and equal. If anyone tells you Bush stole the election or that opression in America has simply taken on new more subtle forms. Ignore them and write a letter to your congressman asking for their arrest or if their a foreigner to invade their country. If you think we're opressive now, wait till we come and occupy your country!!

colinsky

what makes an american an american:

(1) born within the continental US or its protectorates.
(2) born to parent(s) who is(are) american citizen
(3) otherwise naturalized.

beyond that you're doing a bit of stereotyping.

weemcd

if you run a business, you need alot of insurence, and alot of advisers,consulatants, specialists who do little if any work.

if your stupid invent a job, people who run a business will employ you for advice.

misspronounce words, indeed data, but ve-he-cle, th-e, (giving words aditional sylables makes the words seem bigger and therefore, you seem smarter)

miss spelling words is also important, and inventing new more lenghty words adds to your "intelegece"

brive the biggest motherfukin truck you can find, make sure it takes up several lanes of traffic, it will keep you lookin safe and more emportantly rich!! who cares if you have children? you have a rho-bust veichle.

black people are african americans, even if they arent african or american.


all that will make you a regular "native american" even if you arent an indian!!!:)

Guy:Incognito

u also have to ask any irish people u encounter on your travels, if they have electrisity, computers, moblile fones r other pieces of technology ir eyerland.

Capt'n Midnight

that's what makes them what they are....

skittishkitten

American=Yank=Jerk

I will have you know I am NO DAMN YANKEE !! I LIVE IN THE SOUTH , THE CONFEDERATE STATES WILL RISE AGAIN !

Apparently the only ones with any sense so far ( besides myself ) is Colinsky

weemcd ..... you should check you post again ..... your giving the impression that you ARE an American since according to your own post we can't spell .....and that would include YOU as you don't seem to be able to either

Other than that .... I guess I should find myself a country to adopt me since I'm apparently NOT an American as I don't fit the standards that everyone else has listed for them *sigh*

skittishkitten

Originally posted by weemcd
if you run a business, you need alot of insurence, and alot of advisers,consulatants, specialists who do little if any work.

if your stupid invent a job, people who run a business will employ you for advice.

misspronounce words, indeed data, but ve-he-cle, th-e, (giving words aditional sylables makes the words seem bigger and therefore, you seem smarter)

miss spelling words is also important, and inventing new more lenghty words adds to your "intelegece"

brive the biggest motherfukin truck you can find, make sure it takes up several lanes of traffic, it will keep you lookin safe and more emportantly rich!! who cares if you have children? you have a rho-bust veichle.

black people are african americans, even if they arent african or american.


all that will make you a regular "native american" even if you arent an indian!!!:)

Just in case you do decide to change it .... so lets go point by point ......

1. Have my own business .... alot of insurance ( hazardous job - oilfield ) theres only two of us.

2. People don't have to pay me for advice , but get me angry and I'll give it freely

3. It's called an accent .... not even the north and south pronounce things the same way I'm redneck, southern belle , backwoods hick , we talk funny .....get over it.

4. mispronounce .....ve-hi-cle ... additional ...syllables ..... lengthy ... drive ....intellegence.... ( understand ? )

5. Boys will be boys ..... Big boys like big toys .... (read - big trucks ) compared to other places I take it ours are relatively cheap and easy to get ..... *shrugs*

6. Black people are the ones that choose the name "African Americans" as they didn't like being called coloured , blacks , or n*ggers . Native Americans choose to be called Native Americans since they WERE here first and Indians are from India . I'm not a Native American ....... I'm an American ..... a Heinz 57 if you wish , mongrel , whatever you choose to call me ...... I'm Irish, Scots, French , Swedish , German and just a touch of Cherokee . Oh yea ..... 100% B*tch .

Have I miss anything ?

DriftingRain

American=Yank=Jerk

tsk tsk tsk...I am also a southern gal in the U.S.!

I'm not a yank...I also can pronounce words very well thank you very much!

Have I miss anything ?

Ahahahahaha....I don't think you did hunie!

sceptre

Mmmm, slinky American chicks with suvven accents.

DriftingRain

Mmmm, slinky American chicks with suvven accents

Slinky ehhh???? AHahahahaha!:D

BlitzKrieg

lets try this one more time...


HUMOUR BOARD!!!


stereotyping allowed as long as it boarders on taste (i.e no blantent ur american u suck kinda system)



ladies chillax...


i liked the points (my uncle is living in america and he has 3 flags better buy him 1 more)

joseph brand

What we hate about America all stems from havin too much money, and I think some people are like that here and more are becoming like that, with expensive townhouses, Corrs on cd, luxury cars and matching shoes, ha ha.

Cushlawn in Tallaght(near me) is about 80% illiterate, or so, I was told by lady who did census there, she had to fill out forms for them. Ye think Americans are stoopid??

Oriel

Of course, if you're truely American, one of your parents/grandparents must be Irish. Galway/Cork will do nicely.
You get bonus points if it's your father...

skittishkitten

Originally posted by BlitzKrieg
lets try this one more time...


HUMOUR BOARD!!!


stereotyping allowed as long as it boarders on taste (i.e no blantent ur american u suck kinda system)



ladies chillax...


i liked the points (my uncle is living in america and he has 3 flags better buy him 1 more)

OOPS !! Sorry ..... just a little bit of American humour there that went right over your heads See a ways back we had this little fight amongst ourselves .....they called it the civil war. The north are the Yanks / Yankees and the South are Rebels / Johnny Rebs. No self respecting southerner would EVER allow themselves to be called a Yank / Yankee . Actually we're not quiet sure the war is really over ...... just postponed for a tad bit Hence the "taunt" that "THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN " ..... like I said American Humor .

Also I'm cool with the whole poking fun thing ...... but if you going to say we can't spell ..... PLEASE ..... be able to spell ...... kinda like the pot calling the kettle black don't you think But then it snowballed ..... what can I say I can be a bit passionate ....my bad

Anyhow ......ALL Cool ....... Tease away

Capt'n Midnight

I suppose it's one of the defining characteristics.

Especially "soundbytes"
"walk softly, carry a big stick"
2.5 hours of mumbling followed by "no more taxes"

and "moronic overgeneralisations"
No pain - No gain
If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem

and blatent misquotes
"what's good for XXX is good for america"
=What's good for america is good for General Motors

The constitution guarantees the right to carry arms ..
=It guarantees the right of THE milita (disbanded two centuries ago ...) to expose thier upper limbs..

BTW: It has been proven time and time again there are more stupid people in the USA than in any EU country... and also that most americans have more than the average number of legs.

Havelock

Damn, There're two Southern Belles on Boards.ie and no-one told me god-darn it? Why the heck not? Well hello there young ladies, I'd like to apologise on behalf of my fellow countrymen for their ignorance of your fine and delicate natures. I am sure they meant no offence. *swats Weemcd Stekelly Colinsky and Vader with his hat* We only ever mean to besmurch those Northern Yankees adn of course that Mr.Bush of yours, but we all know its not his fault he's been made the puppet of some Son-of-a-bitch Yankees. Awfully sorry again.

*Goes off to berate the offending parties about insulting Southerners*

Raz

Know a guy who went to the states and worked in an amusement park. While helping folk onto the different rides he'd say, "Mind your boll*x!", with friendly grin on his face. They didn't have a clue
Another guy I know was in New York and went around asking people directions to Pearl Harbour
He got a lot of (in you best NYC accent) "I think it's about 2 blocks that way."
he id come across one particularly bright new yorker who informed him it was in Hawaii. Cue the inevitable question, "Oh. So where's Hawaii??", "Well, if you go toward the docks ..."
PS no offense to any intelligent southern American ladies. We all know you have a far superior (sp?) intellect

Vader

I'm Irish, Scots, French , Swedish , German and just a touch of Cherokee . Oh yea ..... 100% B*tch .

Always with the focking irish-americans. There are 44 million irish americans, according to the latest cencus. Hmm. Only 4 million irish and 44 million Irish americans--- and 39 million of them are protestants. By any chance is it a great great grandmother from cork or athenry(pronounced - At. Henry.)

sceptre

Originally posted by DriftingRain
Slinky ehhh???? AHahahahaha!:D

Mmmmm, American chicks with suvven accents. I suppose you're not from Georgia? Say "apple pie"

Mmmm.

skittishkitten

Originally posted by Vader
Always with the focking irish-americans. There are 44 million irish americans, according to the latest cencus. Hmm. Only 4 million irish and 44 million Irish americans--- and 39 million of them are protestants. By any chance is it a great great grandmother from cork or athenry(pronounced - At. Henry.)

Like I'm suppose to know My bloodline is so mongrelized my Grannies couldn't even give me a clear telling of my "breeding" . There isn't a blueblood or half anything for several generations back. If I hadn't had to know for school then I probably wouldn't have known even that. I'm not claiming to be more or less of any one thing or another , probably have even more back there I don't know about. Basically I'm a little of this and a little of that ...But I'm all Southern and all American .

Maybe there are more "Irish Americans" than Irish simply because you fellas are so willing to bed the Americans lasses and we're such a fertile lot . :eek: Or maybe it's a sadistic strategy on the Irish part to take over the US :eek:

skittishkitten

Originally posted by sceptre
Mmmmm, American chicks with suvven accents. I suppose you're not from Georgia? Say "apple pie"

Mmmm.

Psssttt !! It's Georgia PEACH Georgia is famous for their peaches . And isn't she just a delicious one

de5p0i1er

Love 'em all.

Vader

Or maybe it's a sadistic strategy on the Irish part to take over the US

Irish imigrants built all the new york skyscappers and all the canals and railways of the british empire, just an interesting fact when you remember that the majority of our roads are so sh1t dont even compare to some third world standards

skittishkitten

Originally posted by Vader
Irish imigrants built all the new york skyscappers and all the canals and railways of the british empire, just an interesting fact when you remember that the majority of our roads are so sh1t dont even compare to some third world standards

/throws up hands ......

ISH ! Whatever !! I get it , you don't like us . Irish good, American Bad ...... Bad Bad Kitten .

May the Gods Bless you with all you deserve .

Havelock

Skittish: Who told you about the "maybe it's a sadistic strategy on the Irish part to take over the US" plan? *In dodgy German/Irish accent* "Ve 'ave ways of making you talk"
*Waggles finger*

We can't help loving you Southern American lasses, your all just so damn sexy. Its that attitude of don't mess with me and the whole confidence, plus alot you are mighty pretty too.

skittishkitten

And Vader ........before you take THAT wrong ........

I KNOW what the Irish immagrants did , it's American History , we had YEARS of it in school. But the IRISH are NOT the only people that came to this country to help settle it. WHY do you think I have such a diversified ancestory. Irish came to this country to make a better life for themselves as did everyone else that migrated to this country. DO NOT attempt to lecture me on my own countries history. I'm sorry that your country is not to your satisfaction , I'm sorry that my country is more prosperous , I'm sorry your so bitter. I WILL NOT get into a pissing and moaning contest with you on the humours board....... this will be the last I post in this thread ( and that AMERICAN PISSING ).

Now I will go find Drifting Rain and we will beat each other up for being Americans.

Hmmmmm....... wonder if there is any mud or jello around

Havelock

Raise's eyebrows. *goes to get camera*

SoundWave

i find those words amusing.... american history

The Beer Baron

An American

1. Eats 3 cheeseburgers a day with diet coke.

2. Owns at least 6 types of automatic firearms, 9 handguns, and keeps a fully-loaded Remington shotgun beside their bed and a Mack10 in their glove compartment. Meanwhile they complain about violence on TV and in video games.

3. Wonders why nobody else likes baseball.

4. Drives a 4x4 the size of a Humvee, or, if they're from Texas- drives a Humvee.

5. Complains because they can't drive their Humvee on Irish roads.

6. Sends their child to a therapist instead of smacking the brat upside the head.

7. Was an advocate of war in Iraq and Afghanistan but couldn't find it on an Atlas.

8. Spells colour as color and grey as gray- I could spend all day @ this.

9. Thinks Seinfeld is funny.

10. Thinks WTC jokes are in bad taste.

Capt'n Midnight

sense thereof deficient (in most cases - present company excluded)

"yo mamma's so fat - she use a boomerang to put on her belt"

Reducing spending on education in order to reduce the tax on petrol by 5% can be an election pledge !

BTW: Petrol here costs €85c per litre (4.55 litres in a IRE gallon)

Pints and gallons are the wrong size's
Tons are the wrong sizes (2240 LB's in a ton)

The use of three different lengths all of which are described as a foot (British foot / metric foot and I especially like the US gelogical survey foot - it's on all the maps for heights)

Only in America (and to an extent NI) is bad language considered worse than violence - TV movies have the naughty words edited out in case it might upset some people - but the scenes of people being executed and illegaly killed by the heros are left in ...

Are vigilanties held up a role model by TV/Film- despite the fact the in the real world they have the best legal system money can buy..

Vader

im sorry i scared skittishkitten away, I diddnt think americans had a problem with OTT patriotism!

weemcd

Anyone here know many funny american stand up comedians??
i cant think of too many, and i cant think of a sitcom, that makes me laugh apart from scrubs.

anyone here really hate american senses of humour???

Vader

black humour is kinda ok but i hate being politically correct. I know a lot of racist jokes and since I dont know anyone of their ethnic backround they're fine to tell to friends but id never post here or expect anyone living in a country as deversified as america to say

Dawg

Originally posted by weemcd
Anyone here know many funny american stand up comedians??

Doug Stanhope - Word of Mouth. Very funny, far from politically correct. Well worth a watch..

The Beer Baron

Anyone here know many funny american stand up comedians??

no- they're all Canadian.

SoundWave

not my joke but i feel it suits....


whats the difference between an American and a yoghurt?


The yoghurt is cultured.



* this is not my opinion.... its just a joke

Capt'n Midnight

Looking at american technology documenties you are constantly reminded that many americans do not realise there is another world out there..

It's all "the first" / "the biggest" and I going yawn.. "the russians /french/brits had one 5 years earlier or twice as big"

"The world series" - even the GAA don't have the cheak to do that

TV evangalests / Creationists ....

sceptre

Originally posted by weemcd
Anyone here know many funny american stand up comedians??

Lewis Black. Saw him in Kilkenny last year and I'd travel to hear the guy rant again.

Dom Irrera's pretty funny but Black is one of the funniest angry guys I've ever seen.

irishguy

american humour seems to be a bit strange [Supposedly futurama was canceled as most americans didnt get it, shame was a good program] and sorry to tell you the georgia accent isnt that sexy [sorry ladys] now cal ,utah or new mexico some of the girls that i have talked to from there sound sooooo sexy [most of them arent as i would find out later on that they are like 50 or 60] i work in a callcenter and get to talk to americans all day, wooh. just a general observation , there is a hell of a lot of americans that are illiterate [i know my spelling isnt that great, but i have dyslexia] and there loads on social welfare, now i have talked to a few thousand people from america [from every state] and this doesnt reflect the general population just the ones i talked to.but must say the vast majority are very polite and extremely gullible, they will buy anything [i am in tele sales if you havent guessed, working for a german company,based in ireland selling products for a british company to and american client, try explaining that to the americans] they will eat up any ****e you tell them

Ivan

Originally posted by irishguy
american humour seems to be a bit strange [Supposedly futurama was canceled as most americans didnt get it, shame was a good program]

Really? - I thought it got cancelled because it was crap.

/me shrugs.

Bill Hicks is/was a great american comic (at least I'm pretty sure he was a comic) although he was certainly under appreciated and I'd imagine even to this day americans arent that fond of him as he tends to point at americanisms, their stupidity and greed and say "HEY!, thats actually going on, isnt that hilarious?"

But he is pure genius, I'd recommend him to anyone.

irishguy

mabey not your cup of tea but it was going the way of the simpsons it was great, but you can never beet the simpsons they are just pure class pitty they are getting so bad the last few years

limpdd

Ye futurama was g8 until they canceled it :mad:
It was the same with "God the devil and Bob"---Class show:p

Havelock

Hicks was great, pay his humour live on.
Family Guy is one of the funnist things I have ever watched, and so politicially incorrect. Got cancled for being so bad.
Simpsons at one stage.
God, The Devil and Bob was fun but not as funny.

All other good comedian I've heard from that side of the water are Canadian.

Dancing_Priest

Another feature of All americans is that they fail to grasp the concept of irony , eh girls?:rolleyes:

Shiminay

Folks,
Much and all as I enjoy bashing America (and I do - if only they knew the world hated them - if only they knoew there was a world outside America), this is neither the time nor the place for it.

The jokes were funny, the bull that followed was not.

THIS IS THE HUMOUR BOARD PEOPLE!!!