Are dogs the new cats?

Karl Hungus

Sorry to the mods, but that fecking thread needed a lampooning so badly, it makes baby Jesus soil himself.

Get a life, you repressed metrosexuals, and girl-power crazy feminists!

ColinM

Knew what it was about before I clicked to view, but I just had to see how ironic you could be.
And what do I find? Nothing!
Get lampooning you total pussy cat.

JustHalf

Nah. I know I'm going to be labelled a bigot for saying this, but dogs are still dumb eejits.

ColinM

Sorry for the cross-post, guys, but if you think JustHalf's opinion is controversial, I really think you should check out this post. It is clear that the author harbours a very real and fundamental dislike for dogs of the canine variety. His post just makes me mad for so many reasons... I mean the nerve of this guy! Not only does he seem to have it in for dogs, but he has the temerity to come on these boards and casually admit to breaking into people's houses in the same post! Yes, he actually admits to criminal activity in as blasé a manner as I have ever seen.

I think the government needs to get tough on crime.

At least if this character liked dogs I could consider that he may have some redeeming qualities. But no! He has the audacity to express a quite vitriolic dislike for these wonderful animals, who have remained faithful over the years to being man's best friend - through no fault of their own.

I think this guy needs to be locked up and the key thrown away.

Having said that though, his site is really cool!

Nevyn

Dogs dog what how dare you dogs will never be the new cats, they are clearly and toatlly inferior to cats.

sceptre

Originally posted by ColinM
It is clear that the author harbours a very real and fundamental dislike for dogs of the canine variety.

Boo. Dogs of the canine variety are my favourite dogs. Way better than those feline and equine dogs.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Boston

Originally posted by Thaed
Dogs dog what how dare you dogs will never be the new cats, they are clearly and toatlly inferior to cats.

shouldn't you be making babies ?

simu

The title of this thread really made me laugh! Thanks!

Relations between men and women is an interesting topic but unfortunately, after a few pages, such threads tend to start going round in ever-narrowing circles, reaching extreme levels of nit-picking and pointless semantics.

Ivan

Pffft, blatant rip off.

Get your own thread.

Nevyn

Originally posted by Boston
shouldn't you be making babies ?

Nope I have had my quota of two, one of each gender thank you. One to replace me and their father on this earth.
Heavens forbid anyone accuse me of contributing to the problem of over population on this planet, not that being pregnant wasn’t fun but postnatal depression sucks.

SO no more gestating for me thank you
Not that pretending to try conceive another can’t be fun but well that depends...

Oh yeah cats, dame clever critter and canny to boot, and Merc if you really think that only difference between a pet and a Lady Ur not........................
Ok nevermind if at Ur age you have not figured out the difference anything I will say will make an impact.

Sarky

Cats will only be your friend until the invention of a paw operable tin opener.

Dogs are loyal. They're not dumb. No, sorry, they're not. They can at least learn from their mistakes, which is more than I can say for arrogant cats. As a result of contnually trying to get into my house in spite of all the barriers and jugs of water I could manage, I have invented the sport of kittenpunting. Points are awarded for distance, height, and cunning stunts (my personal favourite is the 540 arse-spin).And they keep coming back. A dog would learn his lesson the first time, and not be so foolish again.

I think I've made my point.

And no, no cats were harmed in the writing of this post.

(unfortunately)

ColinM

Originally appearing in Ivan's sig
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because your all the same.

And I laugh because your signature is a hackneyed cliché, and you couldn't even spell it correctly.

Sorry, but sometimes I need to be cruel (not to mind pedantic) when I'm attempting to be funny. I would feel pretty guilty about making fun of you, especially because I think you are probably a thoroughly nice guy Ivan, but I am an elitist, and I have decided that I'm not going to hide that fact any more.

And you're right Sarky. Cats are evil creatures who are only out for themselves. All of them.

A cat used to live in the same apartment as I did. I used to be so nice to that cat. I mean - I used to stroke that pussy as much as it wanted, any time it presented itself on my lap. If I didn't stroke it enough, it would lash out at me and scratch the epidermis off me. If it wanted to indicate that it had had enough stroking, it would - without warning - turn into a vicious ball of fury and hiss and spit fire at me, in addition to attempting to remove my face with its claws.

Indeed, it was a struggle to try to prevent that pussy from going near my face. At night, no matter how securely I closed my bedroom door and barricaded it with heavy objects, that pussy still managed to find a way into my bedroom. Every morning without fail, I would wake to find the pussy sitting firmly on my face. It would dig its claws into the sides of my head, and if I tried to move, it would sink them further into my temples, sometimes drawing blood.

Fortunately, this story has a happy ending. I knew that the cat had declared war, and that there could be only one winner. He and I both plotted to kill each other for quite some time. Its natural advantages were stealth and viciousness. Mine were size, and cunning. I realised that I would have to make it look like suicide, as the pussy belonged to my then girlfriend, and she was very attached to it (Of course the cat always behaved idyllically in front of her).

Gradually, I formulated a plan. Often, even after inflicting the most severe damage to my face, the cat would still not be satisfied. If I ever managed to pry the pussy from my face and throw it a safe distance away from me, it would immediately pick itself up and run at me with the intention of continuing to attack my face with extreme prejudice. I had noticed on prior occasions that I could misdirect it by using the "toreador" approach. I discovered that I could neatly side-step his attacks by holding a jacket out in front of me and swiping it away very quickly when the cat made a lunge for it. Once I had realised how to take advantage of this observation, the cat's fate was sealed.

After a totally unprovoked and particularly violent attack on me, I managed eventually to pry the pussy from my face and throw it a few feet away from me. I made a run for my bedroom, grabbing my jacket on the way. As usual, the pussy chased me, and I allowed it to catch me at the bedroom window. Smiling, I held my jacket up to the window. As expected, the cat made a leap towards it, claws extended. With a dextrous flip, I swished the jacket away at the last millisecond.

Now they say a cat always lands on its feet. That may be so, but it's pretty academic when you're living on the 27th floor.

skittishkitten

Originally posted by sceptre
Boo. Dogs of the canine variety are my favourite dogs. Way better than those feline and equine dogs.

:eek: :eek: :eek: Better than equine dogs ?? Naaaaaaaaaaa ! Never gonna happen . Equines Rule !!!!!!!!!! But be that as it may ......... a cat is a cat is a cat and no cat would EVER want to be a DOG !

MEOW !

skittishkitten

Originally posted by ColinM


Indeed, it was a struggle to try to prevent that pussy from going near my face. At night, no matter how securely I closed my bedroom door, and barricade it with heavy objects, that pussy still managed to find a way into my bedroom.

Me thinks I'm beginning to see your problem

ColinM

I think I have seen from your previous posts that you are an american lass, skittishkitten. Is this right?
I also take it from your handle that you probably like cats. Do you have any cats?

Lukin Black

Originally posted by ColinM
Cats are evil creatures who are only out for themselves. All of them.

Too right. They're parasites, they just look for what they want, and move on to the next 'host' when they're bored with you/realise you're not gonna comply.

Loved the story. 27th floor

Catsmokinpot

yeah dogs are getting lazy just like cats the feckin freeloaders hey! lets give dogs an ultimatum either do something usefull or P1ss off

Sarky

But dogs help keep cats away...:)

And make genuine friends.

seanos

Orignal Waffle From ColinM

So...you managed to outwit a cat; and it took you how long ?

It's not something I'd advertise freely; a cat used and abused you, till eventually you managed to copy a Wiley Coyote-style plan to get him squished.

Well congratulations, man overcomes beast - well, cat at least

ColinM

Originally posted by Lukin Black
Loved the story. 27th floor

Thanks, Lukin. It's clear you have excellent taste.

skittishkitten

Originally posted by ColinM
I think I have seen from your previous posts that you are an american lass, skittishkitten. Is this right?
I also take it from your handle that you probably like cats. Do you have any cats?

American .... yes , that would be me I do like cats ..... but have a special affinity for the large cats ( lions, tigers , cougars ect. ect. ect. )

Do I HAVE cats .....not unless you count the wild ones roaming around ..... Bobcat that's been eating my guineas and a cougar that tried to eat my equine friends. Apparently they were young cats and won't be making THAT mistake again.

Have I EVER had cats , yes , they were great , we get on well , we're very alike in nature .

But as for now my DOGS won't allow me to have cats , seems they have a strong dislike for them . But if I could have I would , and NO I'm not getting rid of the dogs , we've been family for much to long , so no cats for me.

ColinM

Ok SkittishKitten, well I am glad you have a lot experience with cats because I think you may be able to offer an informed opinion on my theory regarding the cat that displayed an extreme vendetta towards me.

My theory is that the cat felt that it was competing with me for my girlfriend's affections (which was probably true) and was therefore extremely jealous.

As I said, even though I tried to be nice to that cat, it used to act very violently towards me (and totally undeservedly in my opinion). I was very nice to it - I mean, I used to feed and pet it but it just became so irascible for no apparent reason. Did any boyfriend of yours ever receive similar treatment from your cat? Even if he was nice to it? I mean - did he ever feed or stroke your pussy?

skittishkitten

Originally posted by ColinM

My theory is that the cat felt that it was competing with me for my girlfriend's affections (which was probably true) and was therefore extremely jealous.

Did any boyfriend of yours ever receive similar treatment from your cat? Even if he was nice to it? I mean - did he ever feed or stroke your pussy?

Jealous ? Yes I would say the cat is - extremely . My cats never had anything to do with my man basically steered clear of him. Now the one dog I had wasn't to pleased with him , anytime we wrestled it was "Scrappy" to the rescue My Horse wasn't real fond of him either, but tolerated him as he usually had food or was about to get food , so he was to be tolerated.

Did he ever feed or stroke my pussy ? Not as often as the pussy would like

I also had a girlfriend that said "ALL dogs loved her , she never met one she didn't get on with" ..... well seems she has now .... my current dog tried to eat her face for her , she wasn't very impressed with our "dominance struggles"

Ivan

Originally posted by ColinM

Sorry, but sometimes I need to be cruel (not to mind pedantic) when I'm attempting to be funny.

You failed on all counts.

Originally posted by ColinM

because I think you are probably a thoroughly nice guy Ivan

Thanks.

Originally posted by ColinM

but I am an elitist

Seems you have just proved my "hackneyed clichéd" sig true.
I've seen and met people like you all my life.

Consider yourself one of the in crowd*

* please take note of the attached sarcasm.



Once again, congratulates Angel on the thoroughly inventive and original thread. :ninja:

DeVore

Thread locked.
AW banned for a week for not realising this is Humanities, not Lampoonities.

DeV.

ColinM

You forgot to lock it, Devore. Hurry up and lock it will you so it doesn't get tainted by someone posting something unfunny on it (myself included).

I see you have now fixed your sig Ivan. Good man. You're the same as everyone else who thinks that phrase distinguishes them from members of the elite masses like myself.

MiCr0

its been a long time since i locked a thread.........