Pooing at work

the Guru

HOW TO BARRY AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all
kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.
As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable.
For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...


> > > CROP DUSTING
> > > When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smellis not in
> > > your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came
> > > from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has
> > > been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

> > > FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and
check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and
come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

> > > ESCAPEE
> > > A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop
> > > in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
> > > If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
> > Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the
> > urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
> > uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
> > feel uneasy.
> > >
> > > JAILBREAK
> > > When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a
> > machine gun pace. This is
> > > usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If
> > this should happen,
> > > do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
> > left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

> > > COURTESY FLUSH
> > > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
> > hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up
> > the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

> > > WALK OF SHAME
> > > Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
> > you have just
> > stunk
> > > up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
> > moment if someone walks
> > > in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
> > that the smell
> > does
> > > not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
> > FLUSH.
> > >
> > > OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
> > > A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it.
> > You will often see
> > > an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a
> > newspaper or
> > magazine
> > > under his or her arm. Always look around the office
> > for the Out Of The
> > > Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
> > >
> > > THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
> > > A group of co-workers who band together to ensure
> > emergency pooing goes
> > > off without incident. This group can help you to
> > monitor the whereabouts
> > > of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
> > >
> > > SAFE HAVENS
> > > A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
> > you can least
> > > expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of
> > the opposite sex.
> > > This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex
> > entering the bathroom.
> >
> > >
> > > TURD BURGLAR
> > > Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall>
> > and tries to force
> > > the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> > vulnerable moments
> > > that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this
> > occurs, remain in the
> > > stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
> > avoid all
> > > uncomfortable eye contact.
> > >
> > > CAMO-COUGH
> > > A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the
> > bathroom that you
> > are
> > > in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
> > or to alert
> > > potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used
> > inconjunction with an
> > > ASTAIRE.
> > >
> > > ASTAIRE
> > > A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd
> > Burglars that you
> > > are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that
> > the stall is
> > > occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
> > immediately so the
> > > pooer can poo in peace.
> > >
> > > WATERMELON
> > > A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the
> > toilet water. This is
> > > also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a
> > Watermelon coming on, create
> > > a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
> > >
> > > HAVANA OMELETTE
> > > A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud
> > splashes in the toilet
> > > water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using
> > Camo-Cough with an
> > > Astaire.
> > >
> > > UNCLE TED
> > > A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
> > Could spend extended
> > > lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
> > the pot. An Uncle Ted
> > > makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
> > you should always
> > > wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
> > you as well as the
> > > other bathroom attendees.

DaithiSurfer

Brilliant.
Some extra advice though.

Have all your dumps at work.
The benefits are two fold.
Not only do you get free toilet paper
but you get paid well for having a crap.

Creamy Goodness

haha

Tyrrial

i know exactly what they mean... EXACTLY

SoundWave

there is one missing.... the aul SOFTEN THE BLOW - the great art of layin down a few sheets before you drop one. -nobody hears a thing-

DaithiSurfer

THE NEST

The nest of paper on the toilet seat so you dont catch anything.

Kappar

Some very valuable advice there kids.

Mac daddy

Originally posted by SoundWave
there is one missing.... the aul SOFTEN THE BLOW - the great art of layin down a few sheets before you drop one. -nobody hears a thing-

LOL loads of paper needed or it will splash hard and wet your ass:eek:
Or when you have to fart and there are people standing around you just cough cough a few times let it slip out unnoticed

nahdoic

Or when you have to fart and there are people standing around you just cough cough a few times let it slip out unnoticed

They notice.

DaithiSurfer

Yeah, but you can pretend to urseld thay noone noticed.

John2002

> > > COURTESY FLUSH
> > > The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo
> > hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up
> > the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Brilliant! A friend of mine gave me this actual advice before.

Sposs

Originally posted by the Guru
HOW TO BARRY AT WORK

> >
> > >
> > > TURD BURGLAR
> > > Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall>
> > and tries to force
> > > the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
> > vulnerable moments

so true !!!

littleninja

lol the funniness goes on and on - toilet humour is great tee hee

bozzie

pooing rocks

John R

Originally posted by bozzie
pooing rocks

Ouch

Cheez

I use the "soften the blow" or if theres a wide bowl
an "inner-rim soften the blow" usually on the sharp incline
at the back of the loo cuz the water comes
from there and wil get rid of the residue
As i said it has to be a bowl of a certain * -> "hand picked" variety
and there must be obe of those toilet brush things to rid you of any unsightly extra residue which can build up to a crust over time

It also doesnt mention the "proud controlable" fart where its a long parp and as you were letting it out as gently as possible you realised you can control the parp frequncy to musical results!!!



*" "* -> just bolloks