Something I need some views on........

seamus

(Posting to PI....what am I doing...? )

I've got this mate......if anyone has read my journal you'll know who/what I'm on about. I've been best mates with him since I was 4 years old.

He was born with some defects, and so is a little slow academically. He also looks a little funny, but it's nothing serious, and certainly not vomit-inducing. I'll save you a family history, but his mother is a hypochondriac, manic-depressive, and so his upbringing wasn't great. She always regarded him as something of a failure, and his differences weren't something to be overcome, rather something to use as a means to get attention for herself, and so was less than sensitive around the subject. No attempt was ever made to get any kind of sympathetic schooling, and so he spent most of his time in school either sitting outside the headmaster's office, or failing exams.

He's far from stupid. He's the wittiest person I've ever known, and is a complete whiz with his hands. His family owns a well-known haulage company, and so he left school after the JC and pursued a FAS course as an apprentice mechanic. All his life, he's been told he was stupid, and so never has any confidence in himself. If he has anything to do, he's convinced he's going to fail, or mess up somehow. It's self-fulfilling, since I've never seen him undertake anything without saying "Meh, I'm gonna **** this up". Anyway, his final exams in the FÁs course, he passed all exams but one, a theory one. We pushed and pushed for him to go back and repeat it, but he wouldn't, afraid of failure again. So 6 years later, he's unqualified in anything, and been working in the same dead-end job. He works a 50-hour week for €20,000 a year, comes home, drinks 4 or 5 beers, and watches ****e TV. Then goes out and gets pissed drunk both Friday and Saturday, and the process begins again.

Except his job isn't dead-end. There's a few things he could do to try get a better position, but he just point blank refuses. He could try get a proper job within the family business, but again he just refuses. But he doesn't say "no", he comes up with an excuse. For everything. He could drive the trucks - "No, I don't like driving." "Why not?" "I just don't". All of his excuses are like this - no good reason, no attempt to think of a way around it, anything to make sure he doesn't have to change. Yet everyone else is changing. Most of his mates are now off with real jobs, fulltime girlfriends, or moved out of the area. He's alienated others through drunken behaviour.

Recently it's all going really really bad. His mum has never gotten on with her offspring. He has 4 older brothers. 3 of them are married and avoid visiting if at all possible. The other is a complete depressive, who has attempted suicide numerous times (not properly mind, more the attention-grabbing type), and has been in and out of St. John's. Recently he met and fell in love with an anorexic girl in St. John's who ended up dying and his mum was practically shouting from the rooftops because she wanted him to "marry a nice nurse". He attempted suicide again.
My mate has been branded a drug dealer, junkie, prostitute, pimp, homosexual, and everything else you could possibly call someone, by his own mother. He actually ignores her now, and any responses usually consist of "**** off", "No, **** off", or "Yes, **** off".
Last week, his Dad left and moved in with the depressive brother because she accused him of having an affair. The man is nearly 70 years old. The only time he leaves the house is to go to work, and for a few quiet pints on a Sunday afternoon.

So my mate is at the end of his tether. HIs mum has been sucking up to him the past two weeks, afraid he'll leave too, and so he's depressive. Last night, he was just slumped over the bar, just complaining. Like those sad old men you see in bars talking to themselves. It really disturbed me.

My advice to him was to move out. His excuse? "I can't afford it". I told him that's crap, since he spends €3,000 a year on car insurance when the car spends 90% of its time in the driveway, and another €100 a week on music, possibly his only real passion. He just shrugged.

So me and anyone else who regards him as a best mate is almost at the point of giving up. When he's drunk he's full of ambition, everything is a good idea. When he sobers up he forgets, and the cycle begins again. He complains and complains, but refuses to do anything about it. He even seems to listen to advice, but never takes up on it. He knows he's alcoholic. Doesn't care. "I'm gonna be dead in 10 years anyway", which is probably true, due to a congenital heart condition, but it doesn't mean he has to waste it away. He may not die for another 50 years.

Just venting really........opinions?

BigCon

Hmmmm, tough one. Other than trying to convince him that he's better that this, there's not really much else that you can do.
It might be sad, but at the end of the day it's his life and if he want's to piss it against a wall, then that's his choice. Unfortunatly, his upbringing probably accounts for most of his problem, but as I said before it's his life....

BigCon

Just read your journal - cool.
I know this guy is your best friend but from reading your journal he seems like a bit of a bollox, tbh...:(

daveg

Thats a tough situtation for you Seamus. My own thoughts would be you can bring a horse to water..... In other words all you can do is encourage him, be there for him, but there is only 1 person who can decide to change things and thats him. If you do that then you are a good mate. You can't live his life, he has to live it. I'd say carry on as you are and hope that he will do something to break the cycle.

BuffyBot

TBH the problem with people like this is that nothing changes until they realise it has to change...sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't

yellum

Not read your Journal yet Seamus but maybe the guy needs to be coaxed with the baby steps thingy.

Hound him into doing something that will reward him with something. Then make a bigger step and a bigger one. Build his confidence each step along the way.

I've personally experienced this with a guy that had some problems and its working for him.

Actually grandparents raised one of their grandkids because his mother could not look after him and all they said to him as he grew up was "you'll fail at that" "you're a loser like your father" "theres no hope for you" The kid was a very intelligent kid but ended up failing school, falling in with the wrong people, got mixed up in heroin, did jail a good few times and was dead by 30.

If you think you can help do, but there are some that are beyond redemption. Its still worth trying.