Weary

LegacyUser

Sorry about the previous post. Had to make sure that I could post unregg'd.

Anyways, I need some advice. A girl that I started seeing recently was raped when she was 14 (now older). We have spoken, cried and everything else besides about what happened and I really feel that it has a huge effect on a lot of things that she does and feels. Of course it does, she was raped as a kid FFS.

Where am I going with this? Oh yes, I need advice as I have tried to suggest to her to go and get some counselling, which she has almost point blank refused to do as she says that she is too ashamed to tell anyone what happened. She also has the typical "it was my fault feelings". Where I am having difficulty though, is I know exactly what she is going through. I was sexually assaulted as well and had to go for counselling. I really am drawing a blank as to how to get her to go and see someone, short of saying "Go and get yer head sorted out or we are finished".

That may sound rough, but for those not aware, when something like that happens to you, you can never properly connect with anyone or have a real relationship again until you have dealt with having been raped to the point where it doesn't hurt you anymore. This girl is the third girl that I have gone out with that has been raped, and I have always got to a point in such relationships where I can only offer so much support and after that it's up to them to pick up the baton and help themselves, which traditionally they never have. I dont want that to happen this time.

So, and please only people who have been in similar situations, any suggestions as to how I nicely prompt her to go get her head sorted out?

Ta.

Big Chief

ok im basing this on drug addictions and alcoholism as ive never had to deal with what you have personally.

If someone dosent want to help themselves then no matter how much effort you put in, if they arent fully commited to it then it isnt going to work.

i dont know if this would fit into the situation your in, suppose kinda it would, its about all i can offer anyway.

[edit - i take it you told her you went through something of the same nature when you were younger? ]

LegacyUser

Chief- I thought that would be the case. If you've been through the mill with alchohal and drug addicts then you can see where I am coming from in terms of the strain that it puts on whatever partner she has up to the point where she chooses to do something about it.

Maybe I should go "rights, thats me I am off" as the relationship is in it's ealy stages which might prompt her to go and do something. And yes, she knows what happened to Lil ol me.

MojoMaker

3 birds that have been raped?? A particularly unpleasant troll is this...

b3t4

Can't say I have alot of experience with situations like this. Having never being raped I can't offer my own insight into this.

However a friend of mine was sexual assaulted when they were younger. It toke a long time for them to go to see somebody. They say that if it wasn't for me then they wouldn't have ever concidered going to see someone.

Something that worked with my friend, I asked them to go see someone, once, and that if they didn't want to go back again that was fine by me. It's normally just a fear of the whole thing that puts a wall up in peoples mind. My friend went that one time and has been going since. This wasn't an over night thing and it toke weeks of talking about my experiences with counsellors to set my friends mind at ease and then they made that phone call.

Try to give her as much encouragement as you can. Say that you could go with her to the counsellor or something along those lines.

Try not to bring yourself down too much about this. Everyone has to live there own lives and sometimes it's unfortunate that you can't control what other people do.

Take Care,
A.

LegacyUser

Originally posted by MojoMaker
3 birds that have been raped?? A particularly unpleasant troll is this...

WTF are you on about there EXACTLY?

b3t4, I dont want to control what she does. I for one know the benefits of counselling as do you and how it gets you back into the groove of your life that you stepped out of at some point. It's difficult, as I said, because she places little importance on the subject so bringing it up is difficult.

Cheers though. As for being down, theres a depressed billy goat online here. A very very depressed billy goat.

Sposs

This girl is the third girl that I have gone out with that has been raped, and I have always got to a point in such relationships where I can only offer so much support and after that it's up to them to pick up the baton and help themselves, which traditionally they never have. I dont want that to happen this time.

This is a disturbing paragraph and singles you out as abit of a troll,where do you meet all these girls?is trying to help them something you enjoy?Tis a strange post

Doodee

Originally posted by Rather_NOT_ta
Chief- I thought that would be the case. If you've been through the mill with alchohal and drug addicts then you can see where I am coming from in terms of the strain that it puts on whatever partner she has up to the point where she chooses to do something about it.

Maybe I should go "rights, thats me I am off" as the relationship is in it's ealy stages which might prompt her to go and do something. And yes, she knows what happened to Lil ol me.

Nope, big mistake! if you really do care for her, then giving the person an ultimatum at such an early stage is just asking to be dumped. which maybe what you want.

TBH, if you are concerned then you should respect her decision not to goto counciling and should just talk to her when she feels the *NEED*.

otherwise, it looks like your dumping her upon the councilor so you dont have to deal with it.
yes what im saying is probably harsh but its what it looks like to me.

The girl is old enough to make her own mind up, and you should respect that, she will goto counciling when she feels the need, but theres no point in trying to force it upon her if you do really care for her that much.

$0.02

Big Chief

Originally posted by Rather_NOT_ta
Chief- I thought that would be the case. If you've been through the mill with alchohal and drug addicts then you can see where I am coming from in terms of the strain that it puts on whatever partner she has up to the point where she chooses to do something about it.

Maybe I should go "rights, thats me I am off" as the relationship is in it's ealy stages which might prompt her to go and do something. And yes, she knows what happened to Lil ol me.

i wasnt implying to give her ultimatiums or write her off.

The rest of what i was basically gonna say can be mostly summed up by doodee's post ^^

Gordon

To the trollsayers - a mate of mine was sexually abused when he was younger and it turns out that most of his girlfriends and lovers have been sexually abused when younger. It's not impossible for someone to have had relationships with three women that have been raped.

Anyway, back on topic etc.

The Sweeper

Originally posted by Sposs
This is a disturbing paragraph and singles you out as abit of a troll,where do you meet all these girls?is trying to help them something you enjoy?Tis a strange post

Sposs, don't assume that rape is unusual in Irish Society.

As of March 2003, the Irish Sex Offenders Register contained 338 names and was growing at an average of 20 per month.

There were almost 2,000 reported sexual offences in Ireland last year.

The Dublin rape crisis centre estimates that only around 30% of rape victims report the crime. If that statistic is even close to accurate that counts up to over six and a half thousand victims raped last year in Ireland.

The SAVI (Sexual Abuse and Violence in Ireland) report published by the rape crisis centre last year revealed the following:

One in five women reported experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood.

One in five women reported experiencing contact sexual asasult as adults

One in six men reported experiencing contact sexual abuse in childhood

So with odds like that, it's not only quite believeable that three of the relationships the original poster has had were with victims of rape or sexual assault, it's also likely that people you know personally have a secret that they may never share with you.

BrianD3

To the trollsayers - a mate of mine was sexually abused when he was younger and it turns out that most of his girlfriends and lovers have been sexually abused when younger.

I doubt this. Not saying it's impossible but it's *highly* improbable. It's very un PC to point this out of course. I'll probably be lynched for saying this but nowadays it seems every second person claims they were abused as a kid. It's almost trendy to claim you were abused "look at me I'm so messed up cause I was abused" I believe a lot of this is just attention seeking and looking for sympathy. Similar story with all those women who claim they were date raped I don't believe most of those claims either again a lot of it is attention seeking and looking for sympathy. We all know the sort of BS that goes on with women getting drunk, not remembering what they did and assuming that they were raped. Oh yeah while I'm at it I have a similar attitude to those who claim that they've "attempted suicide".

BrianD3

The Sweeper

Originally posted by BrianD3
We all know the sort of BS that goes on with women getting drunk, not remembering what they did and assuming that they were raped.

...no, no I don't think we all do in fact. I don't think we all know that sort of BS at all.

Perhaps you do. Perhaps you've had allegations of rape levied against you by a woman who was drunk at the time of your advances? Perhaps that's why you'd like salt and vinegar with that impressively huge chip on your shoulder?

Typedef

Originally posted by Rather_NOT_Ta


That may sound rough, but for those not aware, when something like that happens to you, you can never properly connect with anyone or have a real relationship again until you have dealt with having been raped to the point where it doesn't hurt you anymore. This girl is the third girl that I have gone out with that has been raped, and I have always got to a point in such relationships where I can only offer so much support and after that it's up to them to pick up the baton and help themselves, which traditionally they never have. I dont want that to happen this time.

I'm not trying to offend you in the least, but, I am going to be as unambiguous as a I can be.

You've broken up with (almost) three women, for the same reason... and you think it was the women, who had the problem?

I think it's you who has the problem to be honest, and it seems suspicous that given your own history, that you have broken up with three women for the reasons you just stated.

I'm not going to pat you on the back for being self righteous and holier then thou about what your girlfriend does with 'her life' ... let alone three such instances of preaching from you.

You can suggest a particular course of action to your friend/girlfriend, but to be honest, if you are pushing 'yet another' girl away and making such a (baton) issue out of your girlfriend's choices... then perhaps it is you, who needs to evaluate your reactions, to your girlfriend(s) past abuse.

Basically I think that having gone through three girlfriends and having this same argument, with them, is highly unusual.

Lots of men have been with women who have been raped, few, begin to forcefully insist that their girlfriends seek counselling for it.
Sure you should suggest that she report's it to the Gardai, so as to prevent some other unfortunate boy or girl being abused, but, I think it's entirely wrong to make a 'baton' as you put it, out of this girls problem, let alone, three of them.
That's suspicous, and not that I'm a psychologist, but, to me it seems as if you are putting some of your own issues onto the women you are with, something no doubt, everybody does to some extent or other.

So, I'd drop it, if I were you or else practice what you preach and go and see a councellor (again) and tell them how you've been with three women, and tried to insist they go for councelling for sexual abuse, because, while your girlfriend may need councelling... it sounds like you do too.

xx

Originally posted by Rather_NOT_Ta
This girl is the third girl that I have gone out with that has been raped, and I have always got to a point in such relationships where I can only offer so much support and after that it's up to them to pick up the baton and help themselves, which traditionally they never have

Hey man, third girl that you've gone out with thats been raped??? WTF??? Look, being honest, I think you should change your social circle and find someone else. Something like that is probably the hardest thing ever to get over YOURSELF. Trying to help someone else with it is a very very VERY tough job. Personally I think you're taking a lot on board here, mate. Give her some space to get to grips with it and maybe in a while, if she thinks she's coping with it, come back to her.
Without wanting to sound callous or sound like a total pr1ck, lifes too short for this. You've dealt with your 'experience' of it. You're not a councilor so trying to help someone else with it could end in either success (which is unlikely) or them getting worse (in all probability).
Move on man, but if she's on top of it after a while, give it a second go.

Victor

She is the only one capable of making the decision of going to councelling. Stand by her decision and while giving her the options, don't force her to go somewhere she doesn't want to or isn't ready to go to.

embee

Three people that you went out with were raped..... If that was me.... and I had random strangers telling me it was more than a little strange........ Id ask questions of myself. Like..... why am I drawn to people who are emotionally unstable? Those are questions Id want a professional to help me answer...... Rape is a complex and multi-dimensional issue.... it sounds to me in each of the cases of the three rape victims/girlfriends youve had that you have tried to push them/fix them/smother them with helpfulness.... but its not for me to be overly speculative..... but honestly Im a little disturbed that you have gone out with three of them in what seems to be a coincidence.........

Evil Phil

You've gone out with three girls who've been raped? When I first read that I thought, as a others have, Why the pattern? TBH, I think you've been sexually assaulted at some stage. If so you need to get therapy and to heal. Your GF will sort herself out when she's ready.

Nevyn

i thappens it could be that you unkowningly pick up on the signals of a person that has been though such an ordeal and that there is something about them that attracts you.

you cant make a person deal with things they feel they are not ready for.
They have to be ready to go to couselling
the rape crisses centre would be the best place to contact in reguards to appointments and referals to professionals

LegacyUser

OK a few things since you have all posted. Evil Phil, what bit of "I was sexually assaulted" in my first post did you not get enough to say "TBH, I think you've been sexually assaulted at some stage. If so you need to get therapy and to heal"? My healing is done and I have no issues with what happened me at all.

Thaed- as for picking up on someones signals, I know exactly where you are coming from, but these people came and found me not the other way round. I havnt actively saught anyone in 7 years.

Typie- no offense caused at all. Baton was used purely for desciptive purposes rather than a representation of the issue. I havn't dumped them in the past because they were raped, fúck no, I'm not that insensitive, but FFS whats wrong with wanting a normal relationship considering the last two were fúcked? Thats the rub. TBH very very honest, I am really Weary (hence the title of the post) dealing with partners issues when they are repeatedly thrown up by the same cause and they dont do fúck all about them.

Take an example- if any of you had a friend with a problem, any problem, and they batter on about this problem and get really fúcked up about it, then they fúck you up about it, and then they refuse to do anything about it, how long would it take for them to píss you off? Take your answer then and multiply by three to see where I am coming from.

Lastly, Typie I already considered your last suggestion. I for one find it difficuly to dissasociate myself from a partners problems, and yes perhaps I do need a hand in doing so. Having said that, the relationship is only a few months old so my thinking is "Why go to the trouble when it could go belly up for a different reason anyway?"

Oh and for those who have said "I cant believe/I doubt you went out with three people who have been raped" its not the sort of thing you find out on a first date. It happens when your emotionally invloved when it's a bit late to find a quick exit.

b3t4

Originally posted by Rather_NOT_Ta
but FFS whats wrong with wanting a normal relationship considering the last two were fúcked? Thats the rub. TBH very very honest, I am really Weary (hence the title of the post) dealing with partners issues when they are repeatedly thrown up by the same cause and they dont do fúck all about them.

Tell *her* that. Tell her that you are weary. Tell her it's all getting too much. Tell her that you don't think you can cope with this. Tell her that is why you are asking her to go to a counsellor. Tell her whats going on.

My friendship had become more of a case of me being the counsellor and them being the patient. I can get very down at times and incapable of dealing with some other peoples pain so when I would feel like that I told my friend. I said "I can't deal with this at the moment. I am trying to deal with my own things" They understood and were gratefull to me that I was honest. I laid it out for them I told them that it would be better for both of us if they got professional help, the kind of help I couldn't provide. I made sure they knew I was still there for them, and that in no way did it mean that they couldnt talk to me anymore.

Rape and sexual assault is a really sensitive issue and it takes a long time for the person themselves to realise that they need that extra help. Just give her the time.

But please talk to the girl. She doesn't know how you feel right now. Relationships are a two way street and right now it sounds to me that you've got a one way system in operation.

Take Care,
A.

Typedef

Originally posted by Rather_NOT_Ta

Take an example- if any of you had a friend with a problem, any problem, and they batter on about this problem and get really fúcked up about it, then they fúck you up about it, and then they refuse to do anything about it, how long would it take for them to píss you off? Take your answer then and multiply by three to see where I am coming from.

Lastly, Typie I already considered your last suggestion. I for one find it difficuly to dissasociate myself from a partners problems, and yes perhaps I do need a hand in doing so. Having said that, the relationship is only a few months old so my thinking is "Why go to the trouble when it could go belly up for a different reason anyway?"

To be honest, if said chick is constantly harping on about it and not doing anything about it, then yes, you probably have every right to take the course of action you have suggested.

Not knowning the ins and outs of the previous two situations, I won't comment. In this instance, yes, if it is an issue that 'she' keeps bringing to the for and expecting you to deal with it, (when you are too close to the situation) then, perhaps it is in fact ultimatum time.

If your batting average is somewhere around about the 40 mark, then, it wouldn't actually be that unusal to have been with three raped women, I'd say about 1-2 in ten women would share that kind of information with their lovers.

If such information was not the cause of the pervious two break-ups, then I don't honestly think it's your doing and if it was the cause of the previous two breakups then I'd advise avoiding the topic where possible.

Basically.
I guess it comes down to your own tolerance level for whatever level of agro (this) girl is causing over this topic.
I still maintain, if it is three women, dumped for the same reason, then it seems like you have a large hand in the ending, else if the two previous 'happened' to have been raped, but that wasn't directly the reason you broke up, then yes, I think you have a stronger case to make, for ... suggesting, your chick goes to see a councellor.

LegacyUser

B3T4 and Types, thanks. Had a very long conversation about it last night, and while no resolve in place, bad feeling removed.

As regards one way street B3T4, its normally on the opposite side actually. I am quite open about my feelings, and its not like I say "off with you to a councillor, but I cant tell you why I want you to". Previous relationships have suffered as the only response I usually get to my honesty is immaturity, flying off the handle, sobbing fits and "how could you say that you fúcker". Once that starts, it's adios.

Cheers again.

Evil Phil

Originally posted by Rather_NOT_Ta
OK a few things since you have all posted. Evil Phil, what bit of "I was sexually assaulted" in my first post did you not get enough to say "TBH, I think you've been sexually assaulted at some stage. If so you need to get therapy and to heal"? My healing is done and I have no issues with what happened me at all.

Ok sorry, missed that bit. I was too eager trying to help thats all. I apologise.

LegacyUser

Look, I know it's really hard on you that this has happened so frequently, but what you need to do is sit the girl down and tell her that you aren't in love with her or you don't want to be with her. Do not say it's because of what happened to her, but do try and convince her to see someone.

I was raped when i was younger, and it's had a negative effect on trusting men / boys and unfortunately most of them weren't really nice to me and abused me in some way themselves, both mental and physical.

I've been single for over a year but i've been dealing with my issues and when i meet someone i like i plan on being me, without any clouds hanging over me.