Rules of Manhood - restricted information - no ladies

Peace

I'd say its been up before but here goes...


RULES OF MANHOOD

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master

b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

c. After wrecking your boss' car.

d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move

a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:

a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns.

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your Mates' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and we drew the short straw on that one).

13. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

14. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

15. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.

16. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

19. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

20. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

21. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

22. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

23. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

24. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

25. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

26. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! d. Nice Arse, are you a Sagittarius?

27. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

28. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

29. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

30. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

SoundWave

v good

Lucifer

very funny!!! :D:D

irishman_abroad

yup

gerire

Cant argue with any of that very good:cool:

[Iramus]

they do need postin every now and again. just to keep us on track:cool:

de5p0i1er

Very good, we should all keep these in mind.

Wolf

Thats right!

Sposs

the bible

Mac daddy

TRUE

Havelock

I like cats

But other than that funny

John2002

Brilliant, some of them could be adhered to a bit more though!

AdMMM

LOL

5 stars

Raz

How come no ladies have posted? I would have expected them to be drawn to this like moths to a flame. If it was Rules of Womanhood I know all the guys would be slandering them.
They must be scared

MarkR

Originally posted by Havelock
I like cats

But other than that funny

That reminds me!

> > How to determine if you're gay..
> >
> > 1. If you are over 30 and you have a washboard stomach, you are
> > gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys
> > and rather you've been sucking-off the boys and have spent the
> > rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the
> > Oprah diet
> >
> > 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaayming fag. A cat is like
> > a dog, but Gay: it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
> > itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
> > whines to be fed.
> > And just think about how you call a dog..."Killer, come here!
> > I said get your ass over here!" Now think about how you call a
> > cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums! Jeeezus, you're fit to
> > be framed, you're so gay.
> >
> > 3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby-pacifiers, or any
> > such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man
> > only sucks Bar-B-Q ribs, crab-claws, raw oysters, craw-fish
> > guts, pickled pigs feet, or titties. Anything else and you are
> > in training to suck El-Dicko and undeniably a fag.
> >
> > 4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss
> > in a parking lot, you're in a deep homosexual relationship. A
> > man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he
> > pleases.
> >
> > 5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high
> > hard one in the ****-chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black
> > (or with thick, wholesome milk) and full-aroma. A pussy-eating
> > man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim"
> > and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes
> > like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a dick
> > there too.
> >
> > 6. If you know more than six names of colours or four
> > different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out
> > free passes to your ass.
> > A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember
> > all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in
> > the MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA, and Nascar. If you
> > can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fresier" is you're
> > gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim,
> > you are faggadocious!
> > 7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget
> > it...you're hungry for the beef-dagger. A man only puts both
> > hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the
> > mother****er off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to
> > change the radio station, eat his hamburger, hold his beer,
> > finger the bi-atch in the passenger seat (whoever she happens to
> > be), or, if he's Latino, talk on his cell-phone.
> >
> > 8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere,
> > vous sonnez le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch
> > one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man.
> > Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man
> > is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion),
> > which is what happens to fags when they flame out too quickly.
> >
> > So follow the rules and beware

Mark

LoneGunM@n

Originally posted by Peace
You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Damn that's funny stuff

Kalina

Excellent stuff, I like the one about girls and sports! And the cat!!

skittishkitten

*snicker* Tis funny

Hey ! I NEVER said I was a LADY !!

Gordon

Heh, haven't seen the gay one - that's pretty hilarious, like the writing style.

Carbiens

LOL both of them were classics

im going to dig up another thread that this one reminded me of, anyone remember the "definit constants in life" or something like that

"every man has, at ine point in his life flushed the toilet before he finishes just to see if he can race the flush"

theres a few more priceless ones too

Pugsley

Some real classics there

AL][EN

LOL very good, :cool:

deff being sent round to all my mates