Billy Connolly Classics

Spunog UIE

Things I hate about everybody....

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the

time....I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I

point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their arse to search the

entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV

and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat

it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of

course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found

it?

Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".

No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the

f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really

give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's

new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an

improvement, then there must have been something before it.


8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the

longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's

longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus

come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used

to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that

nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks

that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you

unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's

has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks.
Well

I'll

have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking McTosser.

14. When you involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you

alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be

off.


Gid

Capt'n Midnight

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/newreply.php?s=&action=newreply&postid=347944

Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.

sci0x

Billy Connolly's life lessons

Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.

Have lots of long lie-ins.

Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look f*cking great.

Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.

Never eat food that comes in a bucket.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.

Boo joggers.

Don't work out, work in.

Play the banjo.

Sleep with somebody you like.

Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.

Try to live in a place you like.

Marry somebody you like.

Try to do a job you like.

Never turn down an opportunity to shout "F*ck them all!" at the
top of your voice.

Avoid bigots of all descriptions.

Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to
sailors of old.....look forward to it.

Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.

Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.

Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.

Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.

If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.

Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "f*cks" in it.

Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.

Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.

Salute nobody.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Campaign against blue Smarties.

Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to be alive."