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The G.A.A.

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  • 28-06-2003 12:12am
    #1
    Okie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 651 ✭✭✭


    The “Who’s Who” of G.A.A. Positions

    GOALIE: Must have 'Great Goalmouth Presence'.....which is secret code for being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees diving was at a Ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of control, with numerous casualties.

    RIGHT CORNER BACK: The quiet man of the line-up, he seems to escape the jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and are afraid of hidden depths. An unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage. His only contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.

    FULL BACK: First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene Epoch. Nicknamed sledge like "Yer man outta U2". Will get a nose bleed if he passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a great hit the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.

    LEFT HALF BACK: Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and has been known to disappear up corner forwards arses for days on end. An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other teams young and absurdly fast super star in the making.

    RIGHT HALF BACK: Just out of minors, this boyo is sadly not going to get anywhere near the senior team.....and yet hasn't missed a training session since early 1989. His selection is basically the managers way of saying that he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if your not down training we're not going to give you a game".

    CENTRE BACK: Disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior manager at A.G.M. and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does of playing Hamlet in Carnegie Hall. Hasn't been junior training all year and is still guaranteed his spot on the team.

    LEFT HALF BACK: County U-16 star, great white hope for the entire club. At about 5foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the game to the opposition'....secret code for “don’t pass it to anyone unless your life is in serious danger”

    MIDFIELDER: Chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside the oppositions half. Well liked character because he always gets his round in at the post match piss up.

    MIDFIELDER: The full backs older brother, who sports a rather strange looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something. Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats 5 dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.

    RIGHT HALF FORWARD: Quietly spoken business man who hails from the village but
    is living in Dublin. Drives a flash car. Lads who live in the pub in the time don’t know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollix in national school"

    CENTRE FORWARD: Third of the set of brothers that includes the full back and the midfielder. He’s the target of all the brothers clearances......ALL of them! Probably the local A.I. man or something....by the way that’s not the A.I. in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.

    LEFT HALF FORWARD: Utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free taker. Tries to avoid open play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is basically the teams’ only source of points.

    RIGHT CORNER FORWARD: Happily married man who hasn’t played football since he was
    12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly. Gauranteed to bag a goal or two and in the process, gain himself some ridiculous nickname like "Schillaci" or something.

    FULL FORWARD: Hasn’t scored since the end of the war but is the captain of the team and an all out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his complete inability to find the target is "He's a good man to bust up the play". Doesn’t feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood....not his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the opposition. Only at junior B will the full forward and full back play the game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on how the team plays whatsoever.

    LEFT CORNER FORWARD: The village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring and a
    seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within 5minutes of the throw in. plays the foreign game with the town 5miles down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the virtue of his youngest daughter......


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