Il Porcupino Nil Sodomy Est

superconor

So, does anyone have the (attempted) words to the hedgehog can never be buggered?
i seem to recall
"and even a giraffe may, of course, as long as you had, a ladder of sorts.."
but thats about it im afraid (that i can remember)

echomadman

Found on http://world.std.com/~mam/filks/Hedgehog.html

* Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day [see note]
when he heard a great shriek from the neighboring stall.
Said he to poor Ham, who was hugging his loins,
"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can't be buggered at all."
Chorus (repeat after each verse): [p. 87]
Roll them all over and turn them around,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The sheep is a classic, as well you may find,
the llama's all right if he isn't too tall,
the donkey's a danger for standing behind,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You may pounce on the cat as he walks by his lone, [Kipling]
the mole has a hole into which you can crawl,
you must blindfold the basilisk or turn into stone,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The sow is a darling, so slick and so tight,
to cuddle and kiss as you lie next the wall,
but she don't chew the cud, so you'd better not bite,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The squirrel requires the climbing of trees,
which puts you at risk of a slip and a fall.
The dog's man's best friend if you don't mind the fleas,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.


* You can do it with a frog in a puddle or pool,
though you might catch a cold in your whatchamacall-
it, or with a giraffe if you stand on a stool, [p.48]
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The rhino is often... reluctant... to flirt;
the termite's a challenge because he's so small
you might wash him away with your very first squirt;
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The bonobo monkey --
Will someone please tell the Librarian I'm not talking about him?
He's in the last verse. -- Thank you!
The bonobo monkey is willing to hump:
he'll do all his friends, both the large and the small,
and he'll do it to you if you show him your rump,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* The humans are out, if you value your life:
it's incest, my son, since we're relatives all...
unless you'd make love to your very own wife!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* I don't recommend that you tackle the skunk.
I did once myself, I'm ashamed to recall;
I must have been EXtr'ordinARily drunk!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The kangaroo's pocket can carry your tool
though her kick may propel you clean over the wall.
The platypus lurks in the muck of his pool
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The camel is likely to spit in your face,
but don't take it bad, for it ain't personAL:
he simply detests the entire human race,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

As a friend to the children, commend me the Yak; [H. Belloc]
he's perfect to start them on when they are small,
for they cannot slip off of his very broad back,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

You can take a wild ride on a wild catamount
if your ears can stand up to his wild caterwaul.
You can poke your own fist, but that really don't count,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Take care when you lift up the elephant's tail
or beware of the fate that else may befall:
if you pick the wrong end you could wind up impaled!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

To futter the bat you must take to the air.
She'll flutter her wings and go into a stall
and pitch you off into God-only-knows-where,
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* (Verse 17) [p.51]
The billygoat's habits, though pungent and weird,
you've got to accept if it's him that you'd ball:
he don't use cologne, he just cums in his beard,
and the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

The guinea pig's timid, and brainless to boot,
he's worse than no use in a ruckus or brawl,
but you can't pass him up 'cause he's so bloody cute!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

* (Last verse) [deliberately]
You can bugger a whale if you're willing to swim
or an ORanguTANG if you hang from a limb;
or make time with a snail if you slow... to... a... crawl..., [p.315]
... but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Final chorus

Chowley

What the hell is the hedgehog can never be buggered.?

MarVeL

It's a favourite discworld drinking song, particularily of Gyttha Ogg

Chowley

OH the WITCHES ah well.

Nevyn

ah wonderfull song. i swear it is a lifes ambition of mine to finished that damned song in one rendiation while standing atop a pub table after a wee drop of scrumble

Nevyn

hmm anyone seen the words for
" the wizzards staff has a knob on the end ? "

echomadman

Found on http://www.lammermoor.com/nannyogg/wizard.html

A wizard's staff has a knob on the end
It never will buckle, it never will bend
He cherishes it, and he calls it his friend,
and he frequently takes it in hand.

A wizard's staff is the source of his power.
He checks up on it every hour on the hour
And he's never surprised when it turns to a flower --
The fairest throughout all the land.

The staff of a wizard with honour is crowned.
Without it a wizard will rarely be found.
'Tis big and its round and weighs three to the pound
And without it he's truly unmanned.

The staff of a wizard can do mighty deeds.
It protects him from harm and attends to his needs,
Provides him with banquets upon which he feeds
And potions on which he gets canned.

Whenever a wizard is lonely or sad,
Or feeling dejected, or puzzled, or mad,
He turns to his staff, and things don't seem so bad --
By it he is never trepanned.

The staff of a wizard is dear to his heart
The source and the succour of his magic art.
They travel together, are never apart,
A relationship few understand.

A wizard is rarely of heroic build
Were it not for his staff, he would surely be killed.
By demons or monsters his blood would be spilled
All over the pitiless sand.

A wizard in thought, word, and deed should be chaste
If he is not, he's considered disgraced.
Although in his dreams he is often embraced
By ladies both lissom and tanned.

The staff of a wizard is polished with care.
He anoints it with spices and unguents rare,
Bedecks it with silver and jewels most fair,
And on feast days he has it japanned.

* A wizard when young has a staff that is small.
It's puny and weak, ineffective withal.
It grows with his power until it stands tall
As his fame and his glory expand.

*The staff of a wizard can hold many spells
For finding lost objects or dowsing new wells
For banishing demons to bottomless hells
Or bringing them back on demand.

A wizard's staff can do manifold tricks
To puzzle the nobles and fuddle the hicks
It rescues the wizard from many a fix --
It is totally at his command.

*When a wizard is old, and is starting to fade
He looks on his staff that with cunning he made
The crown of his life and the tool of his trade
And together they make their last stand.


Based on hints from Terry Pratchett in various books. Usually performed by Nanny Ogg.
* These three verses appear on the CD From The Discworld with music by Dave Greenslade.

Nevyn

THANK YOU

EdBanger

Now all we need is the secret Recipie for Nanny Oggs Apple Scrumble and we can have a VERY Drunk rendition of these songs.

echomadman

apples, well mostly apples

Sarky

I'm sure it would be much appreciated if someone brought the lyrics to a future Boards Beers...

Nevyn

Hell yes

that can soooooooooooo
be aranged