pooey friends (is a long one)

LegacyUser

hello, i have a problem.

i may as well just get to the point without giving my life history etc etc. i had two best friends, one was a girl, one was a boy. the boy fancied me quite a bit (im 19 by the way) and the girl and me were really good friends, but oftenhad rows and such,as you do.

ANYWAY, i was raped, told my girl friend about it, she freaked and became all distant and crappy for months. she was only 17, so fair enough, she cudnt handle it. i, however, had to handle it all on my own,which wasnt fun.

anyway so she eventually gave me a big apology and all was well, then i told my male friend about what happend and he was completly not able to deal with it and was aking me why i was telling him, that he wasnt a counsellor, it was AWFUL! well i eventually got over that . all this time i was thinking, these people arnt as fantastic friends as you like to think they are, but i kept brushing those thoughts away.

eventually things with my male friend got better and we slept together on one drunken night. HUGE mistake. it had been the first time since the rape and i felt absolutely terrible. he treated me very roughy because he didnt have a clue what he was doing, awful experience.

then i got a new boyfriend and everything was fantstic. unfortualtely i suffer from depression and self harm quite a bit. my female friend knew all about this.

after i did the leaving i became very depressed and suicidal. i rang my girl friend about 20 times in one night, but she wouldnt pick up. it went on like this for about a week, i wasnt being wierd and crazy, she knew i really needed to speak to her from my messages and voicemails i left her. i now know that she was avoiding me because these 'issues' are too much for her fragile little immature brain, but howandever, my paranoia grew and in the end i attempted suicide.

she came into hospital, all crying and whatnot, then told me she'd always be there for me amid other lovely to hear things. alll in front of my parents, who thought she was an angel.

my male friend reacted surprisingly well, he visited me in hosp, then when i came out, promtly dissapeared. (literally, to the west)

i then went to john of gods for three weeks, where my female friend came to see me once. she cancelled seeing me a good few other times and contacted me about once a week. it was a pretty terrible time, and if i didnt have my boyfriend with me it would have been so much worse. when she did visit me she acted like she had all this insight into mental illness, but really shes just full of bull ****.

anyway to cut a very long story short, i had a few more depression related problems at the end of last summer, and i needed to talk to her.

i called her a cupla times and messaged her, just sayin that i needed a chat etc etc. she never got back to me for weeks. she then kept brushing me off saying she was too busy. she wasnt busy enough to miss going out with MY friends to the pub and not asking me though?!

in the mean time college started which is scary enough as it is without friendship troubles!

it was really hurtful, especially as she knew she was one of the few people i trusted enough to talk about my problems to.
anyway, on my birthday (in november, i had been wanted to have a simple chat since late august) i called her to have it out with her properly.

she told me then that we wernt good friends, never had been, that nothing is her fault, that she didint do anything wrong. then she informed me that all that stuff about being there for me and everything wasnt true, she only said it to me because'at the time it was more important (to her) that (I) was getting better' please. how noble! not.

so i havent talked to her since, which makes me incredibly sad a lot of the time. thats she didjtn think i was a worthwhile friend just makes it worse,. i was disposable. i dont talk to my male friend either. ithe two of them have become good friends which is making it even more unearable!

if i cud just cut them out of my life it wud be a little better, but all have mutual friends. every time im going out to see any of them, my stomach is in a knot and im a nervous wreck in case either of them are there. my other friends dont understand why she has this power over me and they arnt trying to help. they think im fine, ive told them im not, but it doesnt seem to matter.

im sorry this is such a long boring post, but i really need help. im seeing a counsellor whivh is helping, but i want to be able to go out without fearing that they're going to be there. i want to be confident and not crumple into a crying heap at the end of a night if i do see either of them. i dont have any friends who dont know them (especially the girl) so its really difficult.

please cud u give me advice about how to get over this and let go of all my anger and frustration. sometimes i get so angry i throw things or self harm, which makes me angrier. please can anybody help? im in a terrible state.

thanx

Nevyn

when you were in John og Gods were you not given a referal for
couselling or a doctor ?

did you make an apointment to talk to them?
If you didnt I think you should NOW.

If you didnt get a referal ring up John of Gods and ask to speak to the doctor you were under make and appointment with him or her or get an referal of them for some one.

You are at the stage where you are reaching out for help but we can help . So get in touch with some one who can.

WhiteWashMan

2 things to say about that.
first is get some new friends......

the second thing is going to sound really really weird, but.....

go out and get really really drunk.
start talking to someone.
tell them absolutely everything while you are both absolutely shít faced. you get to heave everything off your chest in one go to some absolute stranger. youd be surprised at how good you feel after it. after all, its not the letting people know that makes you feel better, its the feeling that someone has listened and you have got things straighter in your own mind.
so tell someone who doesnt actually cre, but is drunk enough to listen for hours.
i know, sounds silly, but i am serious.

Drunk pirate

^^^^^^^

He knows^^^

LegacyUser

thanku for ur replies, john of gods treated me really badly, no refferalls, no follow up appts,no phone calls. twas really bad.
anyway i am goin to a counsellor and its great but i still, after nearly a year havent let go of all this crap. its so confusing and complicated. i was never told the doctor name who was 'looking after me'. i have a draught made of a complaint letter so im considering sending that sometime soon.

new friends is def on the 'to do' list.

x

pickarooney

Send the letter. Then send two more, one to each of your ex-friends. It's not important that they anwer back, nor even that they read them, but writing it all down is the best alternative if they're not going to listen to you in person.

Mercury_Tilt

This post has been deleted.

Zukustious

Christ what's with this crap that your friends don't understand you and that they won't help you with your depression?

Hmm.... your friend won't return your constant calls for help late at night, and you claim it is because her fragile little immature brain can't cope with your issues? Come on! You call her twenty times in a night complaining about your problems, well here's why she won't return them: She's bound to have her own pain to deal with, everyone does, and it doesn't help if you keep bringing her down by telling your problems. She's not a bloody therapist! She isn't there to help you if you feel like killing yourself cause the bottom line is we all feel like that sometimes!

You said she kept brushing you off saying she was too busy but had time to go out and have fun in the pub. She obviously didn't wan't to hear what you had to complain to her about. No one wants to be brought down by someone else's story of woe because they all have to learn to deal with their own and this becomes very hard to do when someone else wants to push their pain on someone else.

You're other friends won't help you? How often do you give them trained theraputic advice because it's not wise to talk to a depressed person, a truly depressed person, when you're not qualified to give such advice. It can often lead to more harm than good. If you want to talk about deep suicidal or depressive issues talk to a therapist or the samaritans. That's what they're there for.

To help with your anger I believe that you might want to take a meditation course or something. This will help bring your mind to peace, and make you less of an attention mongrel.

[/rant]

PiE

You're talking bullshit Zukustious. Go away.

I don't know if she's honestly looking for help or just looking for attention but what I do know is that a real friend WOULD answer the phone 20 times a night if necessary. Apart from that, I got the impression that she rang 20 times but the friend never answered, which is even worse.

Fuck 'um. They're not even worth the effort of writing a letter to. And the other "friends" who won't listen to you aren't worth shit either. You're in college, make some new friends. Not everyone out there is so up their own arses as to ignore a friend asking for help.

CivilServant

I have to agree with whitewashman, it's so absolutely time to get new friends. And you've already done some counselling because you came in here and let everything out, now someone else knows what you feel. And that must be relieving at some emotional level, but I do think that some of it is self pity.

It's better to sort yourself out than expect to get emotional support from your old friends. In the past they clearly think they were being helpful but you didn't feel as though they were. So what's left there for you. If you think that making things up with them will be better then think again. It's like hanging around people that don't like u for the rest of ur life and who wants that.

That's where new friends come in. You can build up your self esteem and have a laugh with your new friends. Forget about your old friends and move on.

Caffine

a few years ago a female friend of mine i knew back then had the same sort of probs, various ppl had attempted to rape her 3 times since she was 11, she was constantly cutting herself and hiding it from her dad

i started talking to her when she was in the worst stage of it, she told me about cutting herself first few weeks i knew her then one night i was tlaking to her on icq and she was in bits, her best friends dad had tried to rape her the night before. thats when she told me about the other times

i talked to her all the time, if she needed to get something off her chest i was always there, we would ring each other etc and often talked till 3-4am, she eventually stopped cutting herself and was a lot better, she actually one night said i problly saved her life, since then we kinda grew apart but u get the idea

this happend when i was 17 or so, she was 15, im 19 now and a better person because of meeting ppl like this

im really sorry your friends didnt take it well, but iv gone through it with quite a few friends, cousins and family members and iv never taken it badly

i myself have had bad times and have 1-2 friends i can count on when i need, im sure u can find someone that would be there for u

look for some new friends, i know it isnt easy but its for the best, if u are really bad and think it would help go to a counseller, i know a load of ppl that have gone and it helped them, but have to want the help before it will work

your post actuall brought back alot of old memorys and feelings, best of luck, hope every thing works out for u

if u ever need to talk to someone that wont take anything u say badly or the wrong way my email is eck_caffine@hotmail.com

gl

b3t4

Loopers,

By the way you are no where near loopers. Your a human being who is reacting just about the same as anyone else who was faced with all this. You have been through an awful lot, more than most. Be proud and hold your head high that you are still here.

You are trying to cope and just havent found the right ways yet. Harming yourself will not help in the long run. You are stronger than you realise. You can cope without hurting you, You can be good to you. People hurt other people, the world is like this and people are only people. Everyone has their faults and good points. You miss your friends because you remember the good points, there is nothing wrong with that. But them as friends is wrong for you. They dont give you the support you deserve and need. Find people that will. It may seem like you are completely alone but you aren't. There are many other people out there who have been faced with the same horrible experience you have. Try finding out if there is some sort of group for victims of rape. You would be able to talk to people who are having the same experiences you are.

I resorted to the same sort of stuff you have to cope with some issues I had, self-harm, suicide attempts. But these are what really helped in the long run, writing helped, talking helped, bashing a pillow against a wall helped hugely (really recommend this one).

Remember your life is yours and yours alone. You control it, you make it better, you cope with it, you talk about it. Now start living and dont let anyone else take that right away from you.

Best wishes,
A.

Typedef

You need to learn to be self sufficient, quite seriously.

Depending on your friends to do (n) is simply no good, if said person can't fulfill the role you expect of them in your life ™.

Thus you need to learn to rely on yourself and no-one else.

To be honest, you are putting too much emotional import onto this friend of yours and evidently said person, feels a little freaked out, so, really what you should do, is back off.

I understand that you felt in need, however, just because that girl is your friend, doesn't necessarily make your problems her probelms by extension.

The girl isn't obliged to be your friend, she is your friend by choice, so when you put too great an obligation of friendship onto her, one that is extraneous to most friendships, it is quite understandable that she rails against it.

Just don't worry about this girl and don't get tense about her, it is, in the final analysis, not important to you or how you live your life.

In conclusion if you can't be happy, just being yourself on your own without any validation from others, then how do you expect other people to be happy with you?

Just chill and let whatever happens on your friend front happen. Your friend has a life too you know, and ultimately it's her's to do with as she wishes.

The Corinthian

How often did you look for your friends to discuss your problems? Your friend, who left ‘for the west’, do you feel he should not have left - changed his plans and remained to support you? Do you discuss their problems often? Ever?

Your friends are people, just like anyone else, and when confronted with the problems (especially if confronted on a regular basis) of someone else, it is natural that they would begin to feel it too much for them. Most people are like that though, so to rely upon friends for that level of emotional support is a bad idea. So I really would not blame them for this.

You sound as if you are attempting to find closure on your experiences by talking to others in hope of divining an answer. Professional counselling and therapy is how you should achieve this as one’s peers seldom have the objectivity, experience or vocation to realistically help you.

Caffine

Originally posted by Typedef
You need to learn to be self sufficient, quite seriously.

Depending on your friends to do (n) is simply no good, if said person can't fulfill the role you expect of them in your life ™.

Thus you need to learn to rely on yourself and no-one else.

To be honest, you are putting too much emotional import onto this friend of yours and evidently said person, feels a little freaked out, so, really what you should do, is back off.

im with u on the fact some ppl just cant handle it and might get freaked

but i couldnt disagree more with the relying only on yourself bit

NOONE should go through anything like that alone, theres a few exceptions of course, but the majority of ppl need support in times like this.

id be the first person to admit that if i didnt have some friends to rely on things might have turned out a lot differnt, im one of the ppl that need support at times.

iv got 2 friends i can count on for anything, and they can count on me, iv been lucky that the only ppl iv trusted to rely on were very good choices.

unfortunatly the 2 loopers picked wernt so good, she shouldnt just give up on finding friends that can handle it, should just be very sure about it before saying anything

since she tried tlaking about it in the first place id guess she needs to talk about it and problly shouldnt keep it bottled up

LegacyUser

thanx for all your replies.

i am going to counselling, and this has helped a lot with the ****ty family problems i have.

and yes i am slightly self pitying! and why shouldnt i be! ive put up a strong front for years. im constantly trying to please and keep everyone happy. id do anything for these two friends, absolutely anything, because i loved them very much.

i can understand ppl not being able to deal with this sort of thing, its fine. it isnt fine if someone acts and says that they can deal with it,tells me that they'll alwaysbe there, and then promptly isnt there.

my male friend dissapeard on a whim, two days after i attempted suicide. a little much dont you think?

if he had explained to me, its all a little much, i cant handle it, i need a break etc etc, FINE, but he jusr fuked off without word.

i do understand that others might find it all a little wierd. but not telling me, respecting me and being honest with me about it is just low.

i know now that i have to depend on myself A LOT more and a lot less on other people. but i dont understand why my two best friends couldnt be honest with me and tell me f they were freaked, and tell me if it was all too much for them, that wouldve been hurtful but it wouldve been honest and all this resentment wouldnt be around still.

i am always the ear for people to lean on. the two of them used to warble on all night about their little problems and i would be delighted to listen, of course, because then i felt valued and loved and so on.

this female friend visited me once when i was in john of gods. i dont think expecting more than one hour long visit is putting too much of an obligation of friendship on her?

it was that one particular night when i called her many times. she knew i was suicidal but didnt feel the need to answer. on the night i attempted suicide she told me that she was having a bad day too because she missed a bus or something to do with a bus.

it just shows how little she understood me or tried to understand me. i am too soft hearted when it comes to helping other people, and not soft hearted enough when it comes to helping me.

i just want to be able to go out without having the threat of her being there haning over my head.

i am not moaning on and complaining here, i just wanted to get the facts out. the main thing is when i do see them, i want to be okay with it. because i doubt that they're even half as nwevous as i am when i go out.

thanku all for your replies. i really appreciate it.

x

LegacyUser

i was thinking about sending the two of them lettters, my counsellor thinks its a good idea though. not angry or bitchy letters, just explaining how i feel clearly and why certain things that happened hurt and so on.

what do you think of the idea?
and thankyou for suggesting it, whoever did!

im very scared that if i do send a letter(i wouldnt bother with the male friend) that id get a negative/angry response and the situation would be worse because by writing this letter i wouldve awoken a lot of emotions.

because this girl HAS to be right about everything. apologies are rarely seen, even when she's clearly in the wrong.

tbh im scared of the power she has over me. and why??!!! she's just another human, who isnt even that remarkable and im SCARED if her! its ridiculous! GRRR!


sorry! whups! very big rant there,

x

Gordon

I think it's a great idea. It doesn't matter how they take it, what matters is that you have said your piece without physical body bound. It is a very clear thing to write what you think as opposed to say what you think whilst being in the middle of her/his reactions as you speak.

If you awake a lot of emotions it can only be a good thing in the long run. Our emotions are at large what drives us as human/animal beings. The very fact that these people were friends may indeed mean that they are meant in some way to be close to you, no matter how they may be towards you right now.

It may provoke their own deep feelings and may release their core beliefs towards you but if they do - it is something that you may have to read/see/digest. As their core beliefs may just have something that will make you understand, just as your beliefs will most definately have something/s that will make them understand about you and about the way of life that attains to you (and at the end of the day - all human beings).

One suggestion, however, is to write what you want without a want for a reply (as suggested). As your want for a reply is not the issue at hand, the issue is to release your thoughts into their world, the fact that they were your friends means that it is acceptable to show them your thoughts. I think.

Good luck if you decide to do it. May I also recommend that you show your councellor the letters before sending however. And I think that you should write a letter, if you are to do it, to your male friend also.

CivilServant

If you do decide to write letters it should be done solely for your own benefit as an emotional catharsis. Get all your emotions out on paper without having any rebuttal to your points, to the way you feel or the way you think they think you should feel.

Sorta like long standing grudges and apologies you do it because you want to get past that aggro, hurt or silence.

stonebruise

Loopers,

I know you are seeing a counsellor & that is exactly what you need to be doing. Very wise. But have you thought about (or has the counsellor mentioned) going to a rape victim group of some sort? There must be some in your area.

What I noticed in your posts is that you still seem confused that this friend doesn't understand. I think it is very important for you to realize that NOONE, other than another rape victim, will ever understand the trauma of it.

Another thing I noticed is that many of the posters are telling you to "take charge of your life" - as in "find new friends", stop depending on others etc. Rape is something that takes all your power away - it isn't a "victim complex", it is the real and horrible thing. Your *power* was taken and getting it back is a very tricky thing, but you can do it. You are smart, and obviously very kind, and you'll do fine. Do NOT let people tell you you are just looking for sympathy or whatever. You DESERVE sympathy and it does not mean you have become self-indulgent or that you are no longer able to care about other people. Sometimes you have to take care of YOU first, as in do NOT feel guilty about the fact that you are struggling through this. You'll go back to being a great friend to other people when you finally find some healing from this.

And don't let the length of time since the rape cause you to think you oughta be "better" by now. It takes a long time.

It probably does seem impossible to find new friends when you are not really able to just kick back and be your old self yet. That is why I thought you might consider a support group, relationships with a few women who will KNOW what you mean when you try to talk about it.

Whatever you do, DO NOT try this suicide gig, ever ever again. Not for real and not as a plea for help. You have soooooo many good days ahead. They are just hiding a bit now, but they ARE there.

Best of luck, and you will be in my prayers, you have my promise on that.

RopeDrink

Your post is to the point and not full of self pity or looking for pity.

What, like mine was Merc? :cool:

Looper, talking to people helps yes, but don't forget to communicate to yourself also and figure things out in your own mind. Otherwise you'll run off feedback from others with no real concern for yourself which is a path I took - Everyone had suggestions for me at one stage, and like a sheep I just trotted along and carried out things with no real thought - It didn't help whatsoever, because I wasn't really doing it for myself, I was doing it because It was suggested.

I've attempted suicide myself... Obviously it is the losers choice, and a very selfish one, but I chose it because after all was said and done I felt it was the only one left... But it never is. Think of no-one but yourself here, and decide what you want to do. Heed advice, but don't just run at it because it looks all pretty and colourful and sounds as if it'll work for you. Certain things work for some (Like councilling for instance) but not for all...

Think (or write) deep about everything, and I mean everything. The family problems, the issue with friends etc Get things into perspective until you are comfortable with it and can deal with it in your own mind and then you can focus on any steps you want to take to deal with everything.

LegacyUser

thnks for that advice ropedrink, tis gud advice, . i need to stop doing everything so i fit in with other people. i needto 'find myself' or whatever that means. i think i need my own, uncompromising identity. how to get that though......

anyway, cheers somuch for all your replies and kind words. i feel a lot better about the whole thing.

since i last posted my boyfriend told me (in the middle of a HUGE argument) that he was tired and felt drained by me constantly going on about how crap these people were to me. i feel awful about it. but at least he told me. all is well now, as far as i know.

thanks again

xx