The story so far

Ivan

I had a dream last night.

Its the same dream I've had on and off for 2 years. A group of about 20-30 younger boys stand around me and laugh. To this day I still dont know whats so funny, but there is obviously something someone is not telling me.

I wake up.

I'm covered in sweat and I've kicked my bed clothes onto the ground. I look around scared and disappointed again. I've just relived some of my most horrific experiences of when I was in secondary school.

Let me start from the begining.

I cant take a joke at my expense. I'll be the first to admit it. I can give it but I cant take it. Humour with me as the butt really gets under my skin. Ask almost anyone who knows me, they'll agree.

I think at least, thats where it all stemmed from, but who knows.

Kids can be harsh, they say. They are always looking for the person who's different in some way to make fun of them. Its the highlight of the day. Thats normal, I guess. I accept that. It always bothered me that it should be me.

I never realised I had a problem till I was playing soccer outside on the basketball courts at lunch, when people took it in turns to kick the ball at me.

Now I have never been exactly a small person, at least for as long as I can remember. So I naturally assumed that I should just proceed to beat people up till they stopped calling me names. Sometimes that worked. Ah who am I kidding that didnt work.

what I'm thinking of involved a guy from my class calling me names to most peoples delight, as we headed into one of our classes.

I snapped. I really remember losing complete control and I dived for him. I punched him and kicked him until he fell to the floor and then I started punching and kicking him some more. When the teacher finally saw what was going on and sent both of us to the office I proceed to kick him some more. In the end I think I was dragged off of him.

When the principal pushed us, we both revealed the truth. As a result it was felt that it was perfectly to punish both of us equally. They felt suspension should be on the cards. To my mothers defence, she battled like a champ for me. In the end with the junior cert so close they let us both go with a slap on the wrist. But I didnt care either way, the truth was revealed, the bullying would stop.

And it did, for a time. I moved into transition year after my junior cert. For most people its an excuse for dossing, a chance to explore their future careers or whatever. For me? It was a safe haven from the relentless name calling.

When i moved into 5th year with the next batch of 5th years, I though finally. No one here knows the old names for me. I would get on fine. And for a time at least, I did.

But a new bully appeared. Not from my class but from 3rd class.

I laughed. He can call me names all he wants, but as soon as he pisses me off, thats it. I'm going for the juggalar, metaphorically speaking of course

But somehow, I dont know there really must be alot of people who dislike me I guess, he managed to whip up a "mob" of supporters.

Fair enough a group of 4-5 I could take. I'd target them individually after school and try to "scare" them into submission. But a group of 20-30? WTF?!

I went to my mother and principal, hoping to avoid the situation that arose around my junior cert (this was around my leaving cert, oh the irony).

But my mother seemed unimpressed, she just told me that my leaving cert was nearly over and that once it was I'd never have to see them again.

I dont remember what my principal said but I seem to remember thinking that he must have thought that I was an attention seeker or something.

So I trundled on, each day a greater torture than the next. After a short time I stopped playing soccer on the basketball courts, hoping that would end it. But it didnt, they followed me. They seemed convinced that I should live out my secondary school live in misery.

When they followed me up to my next class after lunch one day, with a bottle of water. I truly expected my friends to help me out. But they all stood back and tried to avoid eye contact.

Towards the end I would go out of my way to avoid going to class, even school. I started having "mishaps" before school every day. I think in the end I missed something like 29 days of the last month of the school year.

To this day I still avoid going to town as much as possible. Even those people who had nothing to do with it make me angry.

Its hard for me to picture something that would unite an entire secondary school (or at least most of it) against one clumsy looking fool.

But to this day I'm convinced if it had of gone on much longer I would have been one of those statistics you see in the news papers of some random kid who went into school with his dads shotgun one day and proceeded to gun down several unsuspecting people in school.

Melodramatic? Perhaps, perhaps not. Hopefully I'll never have to make that decision.

At the moment? Well I still cant take a "slagging" and god knows I "whine" alot about it. But if people realised how close I came to murder on a mass school I think they would avoid me alot more.

Hell its not the slagging, thats not fair. I think its just that when it really, I mean REALLY counted I expected my friends to support me and they didnt. Now I just see other people who would appear to be my "friends" slag me and it just seems the same thing. I dont know.

If I believed in suicide, I really think I would have ended it along time ago.

That said, I dont want sympathy, I want closure.

In my dreams I relive the same events over and over, but in some I act differently. In one I proceed to beat off a group of other kids from another school who were threatening the group and they accept me. In another I go to each of their houses and murder them in their sleep. In yet another I call in "investigaters" who follow me around and finally agree that yes, there is a problem.

I'm pretty sure this is the root to most of my problems.

I dont get on with my family.

I dont get on with my friends.

Every time someone pisses me off, they have no idea how close they come to being beaten to an inch of their lives.

Its not the event thats torturing me, its the fact that it went unresolved.


For what its worth, I did very badly in my leaving cert despite getting damn good results in my mocks.

Funny, I feel so much better after sharing this with a bunch of complete strangers.

Silent Grape

okay im really sorry to be another 'why dont you try counselling' person, but seriously 'why dont u try counselling'? hee hee, sorrry.

seriously though, it gives you a place to get rid of all that anger and frustration in a safe place, without harming anybody, and u always have someone rooting for you.

i know whats its like to have close friends desert you at the crucial moments, but they were young and immature and so on. Now that schools over (if uve just left?) what about making a whole new start, new friends, new life new opportunities? i know it sounds really cheesy but life after school really is that!

and schooldays ARE NOT the best days of your life, collegedays are!

its obvious you've been through a lot, maybe talking to someone like a counsellor would help, bullying is one of the biggest reasons people kill themselves and is probably the bigggest factor in depression in young people.

it seems like uve reached a cross roads in your life, and having the extra suport from a counsellor or a group might really help!

sorry for rambling on!

good luck
mia x

Silverfish

I clicked 'Post Reply' before I even thought about what I'm going to say here.

I had this. I was bullied right throughout primary school, right up to kids spitting on me in the playground.
The teachers saw all this, and did nothing.

So I went to a secondary school where I knew no-one, and none of the kids from my primary school went. And it started again, over different things. I think I had about two friends in secondary school.

It was in my third year in secondary school I realised that they were getting what they wanted from me, which is an extreme reaction.

Nothing annoys these people more than if you just look at them and laugh along or else, laugh and do that derogatory shake of the head thing as if to say 'jesus, you're a sad case, aren't you' back at them.

Never, ever freak out at them. Thats what they're looking for.

People only target things that they see as weaker in other people to make themselves seem better.

The most recent time this happened to me was at the boards beer. One guy there knew me better than anyone ever, and proceeded to slag me off about something that he knew I was self conscious about, in front of people I felt insecure around because of this, and also, my current boyfriend.

I lost the plot. He has no idea how close he came to being glassed. And I am not violent at all.

It all ends much quicker if you just smile and nod and walk away. Or just shrug and smile and say 'Yep! Sure!!'.

I get slagged about my height, I know I'm small, I've been small for 26 years FFS, and I have heard every joke its possible to make about it, and it pisses me off when people slag me about it, thinking because its the first time they've said it to me, its the first time I've heard it. I now just do a mock yawn and turn away.

But if your friends are slagging you off, and they know you don't like it, and they're continually doing it anyway, I suggest - and just a suggestion - you either
a) Get new friends
or
b) Say it to them

I had one friend who constantly puts me down, only in the company of other people. I got annoyed one night, and calmly and quietly, when she slagged me about something, said 'Yeah, why do you say that?' 'No really, why do you say that?' 'Does it make you feel better to have said that?' I didn't yell, and I waited for an answer. She kept laughing it off, and I kept asking until she realised this was a Serious Situation.

She never, ever slagged me again.

But do be careful how you react, going off on one can only draw attention to it, and draw other people's attention to it, so you have a wider base of people who know how annoyed it makes you, and oh boy are there a lot of people out there who think they are real wits - 'C'mere lads, wait til you see how mad I can make yer man there, amn't I gas altogether'

Don't react. Stay calm. Keep eye contact. Try to maintain, if not a smile, a semblance of one. They'll eventually shut up and feck off.

Then, what YOU have to do, is try and work out why you let what other people spew out of their mouths bother you.
People talk an awful amount of crap, and only use about .003% of their brain. Why should you let that affect you?

Your opinion of you is the one that matters, really matters, not theirs. FFS, you aren't going to know these people forever, people come and go.

hedgetrimmer

I, too, have been a victim of bullying throughout my school years, and a similar unpleasant situation from home source (not immediate family, thankfully), and I can relate fully to your fear of going out into groups of people or places where you will be "seen". I have sought counselling, which to be honest, didn;t do much, but that's more my own disposition.

I wnet regularly to a wonderful lady who taught me meditation and did accupuncutre on me, and that worked a world of good, though the underlying thing is still there, I can work on it every day and am genuinely happy.

The point is, this is all realted to your self confidence, obviously, which is what a bully seeks to divest you of, that they make themselves feel better.

The first thing to accept is that you have done nothing wrong. Though snapping like that may not have been the best thing to have done, it is in the past now.

Th problem is with the bully. Although you know that, accepting it is a different matter. Counselling per say didn;t work for me, but it is a wonderful way of getting in touch with the residue bullying has left.

I suggest you try it, as you a re focussed on closure, you will walk in and have a definite objective in mind, which does help. And yes, it does have an effect on most other aspect of your life.

As a fellow "survivor" please feel free to post me off list if you want to talk further. I am some experience counselling (my parents are trained counsellors and I have done a course), but I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF A COUNSELLOR. That said, sometime sit's nice to have a strange ear.

Above all else, remember, this stage will pass.
C